My black hair tangled
As my own tangled thoughts,
I lie here alone,
Dreaming of one who has gone,
Who stroked my hair till it shone.
- Izumi Shikibu
A Memoir for You
Hijikata looked out of the door, watching the snow flakes float down and covering everything in blinding whiteness. It was a stark contrast to the darkness that has been his world ever since his death.
Death, the word so easily spoken, pushed past one's lips but the sorrow that it brings along would never be aptly described. The word that erases one's existence so effortlessly could bring the world crushing down on their loved ones who are still alive.
He pulled his winter haori around him but there was no warmth to be found, his world will never be warm again. Not without that smile that reminds him of spring, not without that voice that brings cheer and life into their blood soaked world.
How long has he been gone? He doesn't remember…but he remembers his gentle laugh, he remembers his little pranks that used to drive him mad with anger, he remembers how pale fingers would brush through his hair when they made love and how they skimmed across his skin and he remembers the starting of a soft echoing cough that signaled the onslaught of death on its way to claim another live.
It seems so long ago…does he know how much he misses him? The longing was unbearable, it was like his soul had left his body to follow someone that he could no longer grasp and he was hollow.
He looked across the room to the uniform hanging by the cabinet, soon he thought…soon. He let his hand wander absent mindedly to his nape and for a moment, he had forgotten that he had got a hair cut. He wonders how he would react if he was still alive and saw those beautiful inky strands no longer tied up in his customary ponytail and no longer there for him to run his fingers through to rub it with choji oil. He would pout no doubt and he would hear that melodious voice calling out his name in reprimand, always attached with that honorary –san behind his name as if they were just acquaintances instead of lovers.
But it didn't matter now…he was no longer here…Hijikata thought as he stood up to undressed and adorned the western uniform.
This is my last battle and just so to let you know, I'll be seeing you soon, Souji….