FIRST OFF! THANK YOU TO NAMELESS REVIEWER PERSON WHO SUPPLIED ME WITH THIS WONDEROUS IDEA WHICH HAD A PARTIAL INFLUENCE ON THIS STORY! Also Kittabus Kattabus was my mother's cat who died seven years ago after an 18 year long love-hate relationship. That's pretty much all I have for an author's note on this one. Short and simple. READ IT!
Those of you who thought that Breda had just jumped off the face of the Earth were just wrong. All this time he had been planning his retaliation against the "SATANIC DOG MENACE" as he so cutely put it. After teaming up with the Raccoon Mafia, *cough*BAD IDEA*cough*, he found what dogs hated worse…
THEIR EXACT OPPOSITES…
TORMENTORS OF THE DOGS' MINDS…
YOU GUESSED IT…
Cats. Cute. Furry. And adorable. YOU JUST WANT TO SQUEEZE THEM!
As the stray cat population went up so did Breda's army. He currently sat on top of a dumpster in what he claimed as his alley ("THIS IS MAH ALLEY BITCHES!") a few blocks for Central HQ, stroking his newly grown 'Castaway' beard and the general of his pussy army whom he so lovingly named General Kittabus Kattabus.
"General how are my precious' getting along?" He asked the patchwork Calico perched upon his head.
The cat just purred and jumped off his head.
Breda looked at the cat, "That bad huh?" He stroked his beard again, "THIS CALLS FOR PUSSY ARMY PLAN BETA!"
As if the world knew about his plan, Alphonse, who had just come back from Xing, came whistling and strolling down the street. Breda jumped in front of Alphonse, grabbed him, and threw against the wall of the alley.
As Al was in within mid-reach of his rape whistle, he noticed the man behind the mop of hair, "Mr. Breda?"
Breda let go of him and jumped back, gaining an amount of sanity, "Yeees Alphonse, it is I."
"Lieutenant Breda what happened to you?" Al said walking towards Breda concerned.
Breda started pacing back and forth yelling, "IT WAS THAT DOG AND IT'S OWNER THE GUN TOTING HARPIE!"
"You mean the lieutenant? But she's so nice." Al said thinking how he had to visit the gun to- I mean nice lieutenant.
"SHE LOCKED ME IN A ROOM WITH THAT MONSTER! Granted I puked on her shoes… BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" He was shaking Al by the collar.
"You threw up on the lieutenant's shoes?"
"I NEED YOUR HELP!" He yelled and could've sworn he heard Al mutter 'I can tell…'
"Well what do you need me for?"
"MY ARMY OF PUSSIES!"
'O.o'
"YES MY PUSSY ARMY!"
"Mr. Breda I think you need a different kind of help…" Al said backing away.
"BEAR WITH ME! Listen to my plan!" Breda said grabbing Al's collar and dragging him to his base of operations, *cough*THE DUMPSTER*cough*, to tell Al his plan.
Once in the dumpster Al was face to face with a bout a dozen cats, all breeds and sizes. He looked over to Breda who was smiling manically at him, "So Alphonse what do you think?"
"I think you've lost your mind!" Alphonse screamed inside his head. But being the gentle younger brother of the infamous hot tempered shorter than Fuery, Edward Elric, Alphonse just bring himself to say such a thing. Instead, "I think you've got quite the army Mr. Breda."
Breda nodded, "Now let me tell you about my plan…"
"Oh bother…." Was what went through the young alchemist's mind.
And so Breda and Alphonse were standing in front of the alley waiting for a certain someone. Breda was clad in his tinfoil armor that Al had humbly refused.
Sure enough Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye came walking down the street with her little companion Black Hayate. Her mind was currently focused elsewhere, *cough*MUSTANG!*cough*, so she didn't notice the strange homeless man, cuter than a button boy, and small cat army who were across the street.
Breda mounted his steed, a mop from a nearby restaurant, and looked at Alphonse (who was assured that this was a terrible idea). He got a glazed look in his eyes and shouted, "TONIGHT MY PUSSIES, WE RIDE!"
That random appalling outburst broke Riza from her reverie and she directed her gaze to the strange homeless man, cuter than a button boy, and small cat army who were across the street, "What the hell… Breda? Alphonse?"
Suddenly Breda, Alphonse, and the small cat army came charging forward. But something was odd…
The army was charging…
In slow motion.
Riza was as baffled as the lieutenant could get, which wasn't much, until Alphonse at her, "IT'S FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT!"
Riza face palmed multiple times, wishing these idiots were Barry. At least she could keep him at bay for a short while.
As if the universe wanted to prove a point, she turned when she heard, "YOO HOO! SWEETIE!"
If having a strange homeless man, cuter than a button boy, and small cat army charge at you in slow motion wasn't annoying enough, she now had to deal with her stalker barreling at her full speed.
"Son. Of. A Bitch!" Hawkeye wasn't one to curse often but she would count this as a special occasion.
That exact moment is when at cat flew by her head. She turned and saw that they were stopped in the middle of the street and now had started throwing the cats at her. And if that wasn't enough Barry had grabbed her and pulled her into a bear hug, crushing her into his metal body.
So to summarize this moment: She was being crushed by a walking tin can and being assaulted by flying puddy tats.
And she was getting more pissed by the second. And a pissed Riza Hawkeye was not a happy Riza Hawkeye.
She pushed away from Barry and grabbed her gun out of her purse, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE DAMMIT!"
"PLEASE LIEUTENANT DON'T SHOOT!" Alphonse ran up to her, "HE DRAGGED ME INTO THIS! I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE'D DO TO ME IF I DIDN'T DO WHAT HE SAID!"
"I'd probably rape you." Heymans deadpanned.
Even Barry looked at him like he was insane, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Barry asked in a serious tone.
"LONG LIVE CATS!" Breda yelled throwing his hands in the air.
Riza almost gained a form of respect for Barry's outrage until, "AT LEAST ALL I DO IS CHOP PEOPLE UP!" The respect immediately disappeared.
No one noticed that Colonel Mustang could see the entire scene from his office in HQ. He briefly considered running to his lovely lieutenant's rescue, but when he saw her draw her gun the thought quickly vanished.
"What are ya looking at Colonel?" Havoc asked.
"An extremely odd scene…" He said rubbing his chin.
"Can't be as weird as what I found last week." He commented pointing a thumb at Sergeant Fuery, who's twitching still hadn't stopped.
Mustang watched as Alphonse started rubbing against HIS lieutenant's leg, probably begging for mercy. Just as Mustang was about to answer Havoc, Breda's cat army suddenly turned on him, scratching him repeatedly. Mustang burst out laughing. Karma certainly was a bitch.
"MY EYES! KITTABUS WHY HAVE YOU TURNED ON ME? HOW COULD YOU?" Breda screamed as he tried to dislodge the calico's claw from his eyelid.
Barry had ran off saying something about even he wasn't this insane. Al had given upon pleading for his life and took off in the other direction, promptly bought a ticket for Xing, and was never seen again.
Hawkeye had gotten bored of watching the fiasco started walking away, "See you at work on Monday." she said then muttered, "Freak." under her breath.
Breda had removed the cats and found out that even when he closed his eyes, he still saw light. Yes today made it seem as if karma just liked kicking his fat ass. He struck a pose and vowed, "MONDAY WILL BE BETTER! …If only I could get rid of that damn dog."
He did not shave off his beard. FOR IT WAS MACHO.
I know. I know. This sucked and I rushed through the ending. BUT YET AGAIN THANK YOU NAMELESS REVEWER. If you have any more ideas I would be more than happy to her them!