For Always

by Abbeygirl11

What was Castle really thinking during the episode, "Always?" Focuses on the scenes where Castle tells Beckett he loves her, and the love scene at the end of the episode. The story also continues the love scene, illustrating what may have happened that night that we didn't get to see. The story is first person, from Castle's POV.

Title: For Always

Warnings: Non-graphic sex

Spoiler alert: Spoilers for the season four finale, "Always"

Author's Notes: At the time of writing this story, I had not started watching season 5 yet, as I had just finished watching season 4 on DVD. This story has no bearing on what is happening on season 5 right now, nor did I know how "After The Storm" had played out.

Disclaimer: Castle and it's characters do not belong to me, however, the story is mine all mine! : )

Thank you: I'd like to thank my beta readers Linda and Betty! Thanks for all your input! : )

For Always

She had called me and had asked me to come over. There had been a break in the case with with her mom. I stood staring at the door in front of me. I hesitated as I brought my right hand up to knock on the door, but brought it back down to my side. I did not know how much longer I could do this. Every time she started giving me signals that the wall was coming down, something happened. I felt like I was spinning out of control. I either needed to end it, or our relationship needed to move forward. I loved seeing her everyday and loved just being near her, but it hurt me to see her and to know that she had lied about not remembering the day of her shooting. To know that she knew that I loved her, but chose to do nothing about it. And knowing she was willing to throw her life away for this case, that it came before anything else in her life, was killing me. I couldn't watch her do it again.

I knew I looked as ragged and run down as I felt. This relationship, partnership, or whatever it was, was taking its toll on me. My brain was in denial mode once again. Maybe I could try and stop her once more from working on this case. Maybe my love would be enough for her. I thought about running, but instead I hesitantly and shakily brought my right hand back up and knocked on her apartment door.

She answered quickly, and smiled. "Hey," she said, swiftly walking back into the apartment as she went into a diatribe about how Esposito had found a key chain that was linked to the killer. It was connected to Eastway Car Rentals. I followed her into the apartment. We walked into the room where she had constructed her own murder board of her mom's death on a window, and she began to show me various aspects of it, while continuing to talk. The apartment was dimly lit. It was basic beige, with paintings hanging in different areas. It was a large apartment, as New York apartments went.

I knew I would have to start talking soon if I wanted to get her out of her mind-set.

"Kate," I said, trying to stop her. She continued to talk as if she hadn't even heard me.

"Kate!" I said again, harsher this time. She finally stopped.

"What's wrong?" She quipped, looking at me, almost out of breath. I walked past her, and then turning around, stood very close and stared at her. She turned and faced me.

Now that I had her full attention, I felt butterflies in my stomach. This case was why she had become a cop, telling her to stop was like telling a bird not to fly. I had to try, though. It was the only chance for her safety, and for our relationship.

I quickly regained my composure, and remained in eye contact with her. She was smiling. I cleared my throat and started tentatively. "You have to stop...this investigation. You have to stop."

Her smile became a little wider, as if she didn't understand the seriousness of my statement. "Castle, we already talked about this. I'm fine, I'm in control." I wasn't sure who she was trying to reassure more, me, or herself. And control? Kate Becket was not in control of this situation. She was tail-spinning out of control over this case, just like I was spinning out of control over my feelings for her.

"No," I began drawing out the word, "you're not. They are, and if you don't stop, they will kill you, Kate," I said, making my point known by staring at her intensely.

"What are you talking about?" She asked still smiling, but obviously confused.

I debated whether to tell her the truth or not. But before I could really think about it, the entire story started spilling out of me. "Before Montgomery went into that hangar, he sent a package to someone, someone he trusted," the smile faded away from her face, I continued anyway, "It contained information damaging to the person behind all this." I said quickly, turning around and pointing to her murder board."Montgomery was trying to protect you, but the package didn't arrive until after you'd been shot. Montgomery's friend struck a deal with them. If they left you alone the package and the information inside would never see the light of day, but they made one condition: you had to back off. And that's the reason you're alive, Kate, because you stopped." The realization of how close I was standing to her was beginning to overwhelm my senses. I could feel her breath on my face, smell her wonderful shampoo. It took everything I had to not just pull her into my arms. All I wanted was her, but she had to want it as much as I did. I forced myself back to reality.

"How do you know all this?" She asked me in a confused voice. I knew she wasn't going to like the answer. I looked down, my palms sweaty. I avoided eye contact. I knew what she was going to think once I confided everything.

"In order for it to work, someone had to make sure you weren't pursuing it." My voice was soft, and I finally looked in her beautiful eyes once again. I couldn't read her facial expression: mad, shocked, hurt? Maybe a little of all three.

She whispered, "Are you a part of this?" The shock and hurt coming through clearly in her voice.

I quickly responded so she would understand why I was involved. "I was just trying to keep you safe." Even I could hear the pleading tone in my voice.

Beckett turned around and walked into the study of her apartment. "Oh, God, here we go again," I thought. Would she ever forgive me? Maybe I should have told her everything from the beginning. However, it probably would have made her continue to investigate, instead of deterring her. I followed her into the study, but kept my distance. She walked all the way to the opposite side of the room and stopped in front of a large painting that covered the entire wall, and turned and faced me. She was angry, that much was obvious.

"By lying to me about the most important thing in my life?" She sounded like she was about to cry. I wanted to sigh, or scream, and either run to her, or run away. But I didn't. I stayed where I was and answered her question.

"That lie was the only thing protecting you," I said sternly. She needed to understand that.

"Castle, I didn't need protection, I needed a lead, and you sat on it for a year," She took a step closer to me, and then said, "Now who is this person, how do I find him?" She was looking directly into my eyes. She wanted an answer, but I didn't even have an answer. I didn't know who he was. That was the way Montgomery had wanted it.

Looking down and without thinking, I flippantly said, "He's a voice on the phone, a shadow in the parking garage." When I finally did look up, I saw that she was looking at me with shock and surprise on her face. She was silent for a moment before she began.

"You met with him?" She paused for a second, disbelief showing on her face. "How do you know he's not behind my mom's murder, how do you know that he's not involved, and how the hell could you do this?" She yelled at me with so much disdain in her voice. I hardly hesitated before I spoke again. It was now or never. I could never find the right time, and I never would, so this was it.

I looked her straight in the eye, and desperately said, "Because I love you," I hesitated before continuing, but then decided to just get it all out. "But you know that already, don't you? You've known for about a year."

It was obvious I had thrown her off by saying that. She wasn't expecting that. It took her a moment to compose herself, but when she spoke, it was with anger in her voice.

"Are you kidding me, you're actually bringing this up right now after you told me that you just betrayed me?" Her voice was full of vinegar. Not exactly the response I'd hoped for, but what did I really expect?

"Kate, listen to me," I continued, but she cut me off, walking closer to me.

"Listen to you?" she began angrily, "Why should I listen to you? How am I even supposed to trust anything that you say?" She asked hotly. The words cut through me, broke my heart into a million pieces. And then I felt the anger. After everything we'd been through, after all the times I had her back, and I wasn't even a cop, and she had the audacity to ask that? I lost it, that was the last straw.

"How are you... Because of everything we've been through together!" I yelled. Everything came tumbling out after that. All my frustration over our relationship, all my love, everything. I couldn't hold back anymore. I didn't care if she didn't think this was the right time, because for me, it was the only time. I still was yelling when I began again. "Four years, I've been right here!" I exclaimed, pointing at the ground to make my point, "Four years waiting for you to open your eyes to see that I'm right here! And I'm more than a partner." My voice softened after that, but I continued. I could feel the tears beginning to fill my eyes before I even spoke my next sentence. Crying was very unlike me, but I was beyond frustrated and hurt. I couldn't help it.

"Every morning I bring you a cup of coffee just so that I can see a smile on your face, because I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I've ever met. And I love you, Kate, and if that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this," I ended in a whisper. I was emotionally exhausted. I just wanted to this be over, one way or another.

"If I care about you, Castle," She started, moving closer to me. For a moment, I thought she was going to profess her love for me, too. How wrong I was. "You cut a deal for my life like I was some kind of a child. My life, mine. You don't get to decide," She ended irately.

I began without even thinking. "You keep going like this, they're gonna decide. They're gonna come for you, Kate," I said in a very stern voice, looking at her with such an intense expression I felt like my head would explode. Obviously nothing I was saying was getting through to her.

"Let them come. They sent Coonan and he is dead, they sent Lockwood and he is dead. And I am still here, Castle. I am ready!" She exclaimed emphatically. She walked past me. I couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth. She was obsessed. Nothing was going to stop her, even the thought of her own death. I turned around and faced her.

"Ready for what? To die for your cause? This isn't a murder investigation anymore, Kate, they've turned it into a war," I said trying to get her to see the point. She finally turned around and faced me.

"If they want a war, then I will bring them a war...straight to their doorsteps," She said, with conviction. She made sure I understood that this was her decision and that she was going to stick to it.

I felt defeated. I had poured my heart out to her, and she hadn't even listened. All I wanted was for her to be safe. I couldn't keep her safe anymore, she was in too deep. She had made her choice. It wasn't me, it was this investigation. I couldn't do it anymore. I had told myself things either needed to end, or move forward. Things were not moving forward, and until this case was solved, they never would. I couldn't be a part of her life anymore. I had to tear myself away. If I didn't do it now, I would never do it. I loved her so much, but this was the...end.

"Well, I guess there's just nothing I can say," I began tentatively, looking her right in the eye. This was going to be one of the hardest things I had ever done. I began in a soft tone.

"So, okay, um...Yeah, you're right, Kate, it's your life. Throw it away if you want, but I'm not gonna stick around and watch you, so this is um," over I said to myself, say the word. Over. I began again, "Over...I'm done," I said as I turned around and walked away. I didn't look back. I knew I couldn't.

The days blurred into one another. I kept myself busy so I didn't think about Beckett. I stayed away not only from Beckett, but from the precinct as well. I felt bad for not saying goodbye to Esposito and Ryan, but I had to move on. Before I knew it, it was Alexis's graduation day. I was happy and sad at the same time. I was so proud of Alexis. She had worked so hard, and had so many accomplishments under her belt. Heck, she was valedictorian of her class. She amazed me. But at the same time, she was my little girl, and she was growing up. She was starting college, and although she had decided on Columbia, and would be closer, she would still not be here everyday, like she was now. I called mother again, letting her know not only were we going to be late for Alexis's speech, but also for the whole graduation.

I walked into my apartment alone after Alexis's graduation. I knew I had a big smile on my face. The phone rang, and I saw that it was Alexis. I picked up the phone to hear her checking in on me, to make sure I would be okay by myself for the night. I reassured her I would be and demanded that she have fun. When we got off the phone, I walked over to the lamp in the living room, and put her 2012 tassel that I was carrying, on the top knob, proudly displaying my daughter's achievement. I was in a good mood, I was happy. Alexis's speech had been amazing. It had touched me, and made me think. Made me think about things that I wiped from my mind. That was my daughter.

My cell phone rang again, and I figured it was Alexis calling me back to tell me more news. However, when I looked at the picture that flashed across the screen, I saw that it was not Alexis, it was her. I watched the phone ring two more times, and picked it up and hit ignore. I put the phone back down, staring at it for a heartbreaking moment. In order to move on, and fully remove Beckett from my life, I couldn't have any contact with her, I told myself. She had made her choice, which had forced me to make mine. The hurt came rushing back in an instant, and I felt as if I had been punched in the chest. She was probably calling to ask me to come back and help her on the case. Nope, not gonna happen this time. That thought made my heart ache.

I picked up a remote, and turned on the touch computer screen, where I had constructed Beckett's shooting board, which was akin to a murder board. I walked over to it. Her face popped up on the screen, and sent a sharp jolt of pain through my entire body. I stared at it for a moment, and then touched her face on the screen. The rest of the board popped up. I stared at it sadly, and then touched the file name at the bottom, entitled, Beckett. I slowly slid it over to the recycle bin, and poof the entire file was gone. It was as if I was deleting Beckett from my life. I guess in essence I was. This time she had hurt me beyond anything that I could have imagined. I had poured my soul out to her, and she had acted like it meant nothing, like our four years together meant nothing to her. I was done. I had to move on. I felt like I was trying to convince myself of that fact.

Just then I heard a knock at the door. It brought me out of my reverie. I had no clue who it was, but I made an attempt to smile, to hide the melancholy look I knew I had on my face. By the time I got to the door, I had a fake smile on my face. I opened the door, and when I saw who it was, my smile faded. How was I ever going to get on with my life, if she continued to seek contact? The hurt and anger shot through me like a bullet. It was evidenced in my voice when I spoke.

"Beckett, what do you want?" I asked harshly.

"You," she said, without hesitating.

Not exactly what I was expecting, and it confused me. I didn't know what she meant. She made it very clear exactly what she meant as she pushed through the door, and into my apartment, right into my arms, kissing me. It all happened so fast, and I couldn't downshift that fast from hurt and anger to this, although my body immediately wanted to. She felt my reluctance, and stopped kissing me. Placing her hands on my shoulders, she put her forehead to mine and then touched my face.

"I'm so sorry, Castle, I'm so sorry," She began, and I could feel her body begin to shake as she began to cry, "I'm so sorry." She tried to kiss me again, but I pushed her away, more harshly than I had intended. However, she willingly backed away. We looked at each other for a moment. Did she think she could just burst in here like this, kiss me, tell me she wanted me and think that would make everything okay? My mind didn't work that way. However, my mind and body were conflicted. My brain needed to know exactly what was going on, but my body wanted to hold her and show her how much I loved her. But I didn't move toward her, I kept my distance.

I had to know what had happened, why she had come here. Something had to trigger all this, and I needed to make sure it wasn't just a fly-by-night thing. I needed more than that from her. This was all I had ever wanted, and part of me still wanted to just give in, but my pain wouldn't let me. I stared at her for a moment. It was only just now that I noticed she was soaked to the bone. She also had two tears on her face, one trailing down each cheek. I wanted to reach out and wipe them away, but stood my ground.

"What happened?" I practically whispered.

She looked down, then looked back up at me. "He got away, and I didn't 't care," She whispered. At first I thought she was going to say that he had gotten away and she needed my help. I had been ready to tell her no, and to leave. But that wasn't what she had said at all. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. She was looking at me intensely, and then she continued.

"I almost died, and all I could think about was you," She said, shaking her head, as if she couldn't believe she didn't have this realization sooner. "I just want you," She whispered. She came closer to me, and tried to kiss me again, but I still had reservations, and didn't kiss her back. I kept her at bay. Had this not happened to her, would she have come around? Once the smoke cleared, would she start working the case again, and forget about me? On the other hand, looking death in the face could change a person and their priorities. Maybe this was what she needed to really see that she was ready for this, that she couldn't hold that wall around her heart forever, that she really did love me. She reached up and touched my face gently. It felt so good, so right, and my pain and anger began to dissipate. I knew I wasn't going to be able to stay strong for much longer, with her right here, offering herself to me.

There was a crack of thunder, and lightening shone through the window. That was when I saw it in her eyes. Everything she was saying was the truth. She really hadn't cared that her shooter had gotten away, she wanted me as much as I wanted her. I couldn't hold back anymore. I went to her, pushed her back into the door, closing it in the process. Two years of loving her, yearning for her, and wanting her, all came out. I kissed her passionately and hungrily, and she returned the passion. I couldn't get enough of her taste, and her smell. Her lips weren't enough, so I leaned down and kissed her neck, she grasped my back in the throes of passion. It was better than I had ever dreamed of, and I had dreamed of this moment over and over. Our breathing became heavy. I started kissing her chest, then thought of the scar on her chest. The scar that had pushed us apart, but also brought us together. I needed to see it, to touch it. To know that it was real, that she was real. I reached down and unbuttoned her shirt. And there it was, staring at me, taunting me. I stared at it, and I put the back of my hand over it to feel it. I could feel the roundness of the scar, the bumps of the scar. She was here, she was alive. She put her hand over mine, as if in complete realization of why I needed to touch her in that way. She brought her other hand up to my face and caressed it gently.

We began kissing again, and although it was passionate, it was more gentle, not just yearning and want anymore. Love. Our love was shinning through. We both smiled at each other in the middle of kissing. This felt so right to me. She felt so right to me. She was my dream come true. She reached down and grabbed my hand, smiling. I stared at her in disbelief; this was really happening, and I knew what she wanted when she grabbed my hand, where she wanted to lead me. She bit her lip, still holding my hand, and started leading me into the bedroom.

I followed her, like a loyal dog following its owner. Once we were in the bedroom, she let go of my hand, and walked to the bed. She turned around and looked at me with a sexy smile, and got onto the bed, sitting on her knees. She patted the bed, silently asking me to join her. The lights were already off, and I kept them that way. I joined her on the bed, sitting in the same position. I stared at her for a moment, almost feeling as if this were a dream, and then began kissing her passionately. I couldn't help it. Now that she was here, and wanted this and me, I couldn't get enough of her. Her taste and smell filled my senses. It was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life.

Suddenly, however, my doubts came back though. I couldn't do this if it were just a one night thing, and she would change her mind. This was different than the one night stands I was "famous" for. I was hopelessly and deeply in love with this woman. More so than any woman I had ever loved, even my ex-wives. I had never felt like this before. Doing this, making love to Kate, would put me in so deep, I'd never be able to dig my way back out. If this wasn't for real, I couldn't put myself in this position. It's funny, it was Beckett who had been protecting herself for the last year, building the wall around heart. And it was me, waiting for this moment, wanting it more than anything. Now it was here, and the tables had turned. Kate wanted it, and I was the reluctant one.

Our kissing became more passionate, which caused my brain to become foggy, and my body was starting to respond automatically. We needed to talk before I lost my mind completely. It would break the moment, I knew, but it was what I needed. I backed away from her a bit and looked deeply into her eyes.

"Kate," I whispered, "We need..."

She cut me off, and put her finger to my lips, touching my face with her other hand. "Shhh," She whispered. "There will be plenty of time for talking," she said and kissed my lips, causing my brain to turn to mush.

She went on, whispering, "I need to feel you tonight, Castle," she continued to caress my face, "I need to feel that you will love me no matter what, I need to feel that this is real, that we are real," She stopped, her eyes pleading with me. That was all I needed to hear. Tonight was tonight, and we would deal with anything else together, in the future. I needed to feel her so desperately, and know that this was real, too. My need to show her how much I loved her was beyond anything I could ever control, and I couldn't wait any longer.

I pulled her to me, and began kissing her lips, running my hands through her hair. I pushed her down on the bed gently, and positioned myself above her. I stared at her beauty for a moment, and touched her lips, nose and eyes with my fingers. She smiled and moaned softly at my touch. I began to kiss her gently on the lips, on her neck, her chest. I removed each article of her clothing one by one, and explored each part of her beautiful body with my hands and lips. She helped me remove my clothing, and I loved every minute of it. I showed her how much I loved over and over again, by taking care of her. She groaned and arched her back each time, showing me that this was exactly what she wanted and needed.

I could hardly contain myself, this was finally happening. I kept touching her body, feeling every inch of it. I didn't think that this was ever going to happen. It was almost as if I had to continue reminding myself that this wasn't a dream, it was real. Every time I touched her body, she moaned softly. I ran my fingers through her hair, staring at her beautiful face.

She then pushed me over on my back, and started caressing my body with her fingers, so softly. It set my body on fire, and I couldn't help but groan. She ran her fingers through my hair, kissed my lips, my neck and my chest. She began taking care of me, bringing me to the point of ecstasy so many times, but stopping right before. It almost drove me to the point of insanity, but I loved it. She was amazing with her hands, and mouth. I had never felt anything like it in my entire life.

Finally my need became so great, that I didn't have any choice but to fulfill it. I pushed her on her back. She welcomed me inside of her. It was the most amazing feeling I had ever experienced. And Kate Beckett knew exactly how to handle a man. She knew exactly what she was doing. I may have been a man hopelessly in love, but I was still a man. When I couldn't hold out any longer, I exploded inside of her. My whole body was on fire, and I groaned, saying her name over and over again. I felt her body join mine in ecstasy. And she said my name, running her fingers through my hair.

So this was what it felt like to make love to someone, not just have sex. This is what it felt like to be one with someone, and be in total unity. I was so amazed that I could have this type of experience with another human being. It was like nothing I had ever experienced in my entire life. I stared down at her, and then let my eyes roam over her entire body. She was so very beautiful. I didn't think I would ever be able to get enough of her in any way. She smiled and stared at me, and then pulled me down on top of her. I willingly went, and felt her naked body underneath mine. She had finally come to me, she wanted me as much as I wanted her. And not just sexually, in every way possible. I sighed, contented, and happy I had the house to myself, so that this could happen. That night we fell asleep in each other's arms, and for that very moment, I was truly happy. Happier than I had ever been.