Another Mass Effect Kink Meme fill.
The prompt was: "Shepard and Kelly have a private counseling session that ends up with Shepard ranting about something completely absurd (like the batarian ketchup conspiracy theory)."
I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everybody just how unethical and right down creepy it is to date own therapist/patient. No matter how pansexual and alluring.
Kelly pressed several buttons to pull up an image on her datapad and turned it over so Shepard could see it.
"What is this, Commander?"
"Rorschach inkblot test," she said, shrugging. She felt like a smart-ass today.
Kelly sighed and rubbed her temple. "No, what do you see here," she tapped her finger at the top of the pad, indicating the picture.
"I see a Rorschach inkblot test. It's the second inkblot, you're doing them out of order." Yup, still feeling smart-assed!
"What," Kelly took a quick look at the picture. It was, indeed, the second one. Shepard could see the frustration welling in her already. "Never mind. Commander, if you know what this is, you know what the purpose is. Stop being difficult."
"You asked me what this is and I told you. Rorschach inkblot test," she said and waved her hand in the general direction of the pad. "Now if you'd ask what the picture depicts-"
"Fine!" Kelly snarled. "What does the picture depict, Commander?"
"Oh, that's easy. You should've started like this," Shepard said and stretched her lips in the most shit eating grin she could muster. "Two bears high-fiving."
Kelly huffed and noted something on her omni-tool. She clicked something on her pad and pulled up the first picture of the set. Shepard's obsessive-compulsive side was satisfied.
"What does this picture depict, Commander?"
She pretended to contemplate the picture. She already knew how it looked like, having seen it in every fucking psych eval forced into, ever.
"Two Pikachus riding a bomb. Very Kubrick," she supplied, smiling again.
Smile vanished when Kelly pulled up yet another picture. Fifth inkblot in the set.
"It's out of order again."
"It doesn't matter, Commander! Just tell me what this picture depicts," the yeoman sighed and rubbed her temple again.
"Garrus."
"Al right, I think we're done with inkblots. And how the hell does this look like Garrus anyway. It's clearly a bat."
"Not a bat!" Shepard smiled again, seeing the clear shot and taking it. Ah, it was always fun to mess with shrinks' heads. "BATMAN!" she yelled. "Garrus is Batman... In space! He completes the set. We already had Joker, that part's obvious. And Kasumi is clearly Catwoman, in her black catsuit. Miranda would fit too, but she doesn't have the acrobatics needed to pull it off. She's more of a Wonder Woman, but that's Justice League, not just Batman," she mused, intent on dragging Kelly through the gutter of her thoughts. "Zaeed's Harvey Dent, with the whole two face thing he's got going on. You could be Scarecrow, you know? But I think maybe Mordin fits better with all the crazy shit he does in his lab. Or maybe Flash? He's awfully fast..."
She kept talking about comic books and sipping her coffee, giving Kelly detailed history of Justice League of America, straight from Silver Age era up to modern times, reviewed her favourite books, complained about hatred directed at Aquaman.
She watched Kelly slump lower and lower in her chair, rubbing her temples and forehead more and more often, her eyes gaining that sickly gleam to them.
That's right, not gonna reveal anything! She learned that trick long ago. When in session, the shrink has to listen to everything you say. Just throw irrelevant mind farts at them, confuse the hell out of them and they'll learn to leave you alone forever after.
"OK, stop, stop!" Kelly finally exclaimed and sighed, yet again. "Just tell me, how are you feeling?"
"Stupid. Idiotic. Idiosyncratic," Kelly was a Jungian. Just another way to mess with her. "I feel fine, Kelly. And I think our hour is up," she smiled her best innocent smile.
The yeoman visibly relaxed and dragged herself up from the chair.
"I'll talk to you later, Commander," she said and fled in a hurry, clutching her head.
Shepard caught her later on a surveillance feed. She was asking Chakwas for migraine advice.