Disclaimer – I do not nor will I ever own Supernatural. Just playing around for fun.
Author Notes – This story is dedicated to CHAILYN for being the wonderful person that she is and for showing me the amazing possibilities of Castiel-fanfiction. She even gave me the idea for this fic!
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Consequence Of Failure
Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself.
– Ausonius
"You are doing it wrong."
Dean spun around at the voice, gun aimed before he had time to think, and came face to face with Castiel standing calmly in the centre of the room. He stared at him for a second, willing his heart to calm down and hating himself for showing the angel his surprise, before the gun lowered once again and got tucked down in to his waistband.
"What, exactly, am I doing wrong?"
"Everything," the angel responded.
Dean sneered. "Yeah, ok, good to know. Care to be more specific?"
Castiel looked at him with so much intensity that Dean felt his skin crawl before he turned away and slowly walked over to the small desk standing in the corner of the motel-room. His head was bent low as his fingers traced invisible patterns over the smooth surface.
"I believed in you," he whispered finally and Dean took an involuntarily step forward to hear him. "I knew that I had failed and that there was nothing more that I could do, but then I saw you." He looked up and met Dean's confused gaze and for the first time Dean noticed the sadness in the angels eyes. "You held him close and promised to always keep him safe, and I believed in you." He looked away again, watched as his own fingers traced over the journal – John's journal – lying on the desk. "But you are doing it wrong," he said again.
Dean frowned, tried to make sense of the conversation but feeling like he was two-steps behind at every turn. "What do you mean, you failed?" he said and noticed with surprise that Castiel's hand shock before he pressed his palm flat against the wood.
"I was supposed to look out for him – to protect him – but I failed," the angel whispered. "I was his guardian but still I could not prevent evil from taking him. I could not stop Azazel from tainting him."
"Wait, wait," Dean said and looked at Castiel with a mix of confusion and disbelieve. "You're talking about Sam?"
Castiel sighed and turned fully to face the desk, both his hands pressed against the wood and head bent even lower. "I failed him," he said.
Dean stared at him with wide eyes, his thoughts running a thousand miles per hour but seemingly running in circles because they all centred around one thing. "You were his guardian-angel."
Dean could see a small twitch in Castiel's lips but there was no humour in his voice when he said, "Yes, I suppose you could have called me that."
"But . . ." Dean started but then shock his head. "Then how . . ?"
A small wind suddenly blew through the room making Castiel's coat whip in the wind as his hands clench together on the desk, but just as suddenly as it started it stopped again. "I failed him," he repeated and Dean could here the barely controlled anger in his voice as he spun around to face him again. "And now you are doing it wrong."
And Dean could see that the sadness he had seen in Castiel's eyes earlier had gone and was now replaced by such rage that he had to take a step back. The angels jaw was so tense that Dean was surprised that he did not crack his teeth and his hands were fisted so hard his knuckles had turned white.
"I don't understand," he said, taking another step back as his fingers automatically sought out and fingered the gun in his waistband again.
Castiel hissed, lips drawn up and teeth showing. "I believed in you," he snarled. "I believed that even if I had failed him you would always stand by his side and protect him. I believed that you would do everything in your power to make sure that evil did not get a tighter grasp on him."
"Of course I would!" Dean yelled, anger starting to boil in him to at the implication that he did not protect his brother. "I'm doing everything I fucking can to make him stop using his powers, to make him realise how dangerous it is."
Castiel snarled as the ground suddenly started to shake. "You are doing it wrong!"
"Yeah?" Dean yelled and took as step forward, not caring that the ground was shaking under his feet or that he was face to face with a raging angel. "Well, fuck you! I'm doing everything that I can to keep him safe and you have no fucking right to come here and lecture me, you son-of-a-bitch!"
In the blink of an eye Dean was pressed against the wall with Castiel's hand around his throat and his face only inches from his own. They stared in to each others eyes with enough venom to make most people shake in fear but they were both to angry to back down.
After several long seconds Castiel suddenly seemed to deflate with a weary sigh and slowly backed away. Dean watched him carefully as he sat down on the desk and ran a hand through his dark hair.
"After Sam I said that I would never act as a protector again," he said at last. "My failure to Sam had hurt me more then you will ever understand and I did not wish to expose myself to the risk of it happening again with another." He sighed and met Dean's gaze again. "But then you died," he said and Dean felt a shiver run down his spine at the horrible memories that flooded his mind. "You died and Sam was all alone. When I heard of my Father's plans I was quick to offer my help." He shock his head as a humourless smile crossed his lips. "I thought that if I could not protect Sam myself then the least I could do to repay my debt was to help you – his big brother who had once promised to always keep him safe."
"So you saved me to do what?" Dean asked. "Save Sam?"
"Yes," the angel answered.
"So, what?" Dean said with a frown. "The only reason I'm still alive – or alive again I guess – is because you failed Sammy when you let the Yellow-Eyed-fucker bleed in his mouth and now you think you've repaid your debt to him?"
"No," Castiel said and gave Dean the most honest look he had ever seen on the angels face. "You are alive because my Father said so. I was just the one to drag you out because I believed that you could save Sam even after my failure." He sighed. "And my debt will never be repayed."
Dean looked sideway at Sam's neatly made bed and bit his lip. "And where does that leave me?"
Castiel, for the first time, gave a real smile even though it barely curved his lips. "Right here."
Dean glared at the bed, unable to face the angel as he tried to take in all the new information he had got. "Thanks. Very helpful."
The smile dropped from Castiel's lips as his voice turned serious again. "But you are still doing it wrong."
"Yeah, you've said that," Deans said and cast his glare in the angel's direction before he turned away again. "But you still haven't told me what, exactly, I'm doing wrong."
"Saving Sam," Castiel answered simply and met Deans gaze straight on as he looked up.
"Then what should I do?" he asked. "What is it that I'm doing wrong?"
Castiel sighed and the sadness returned to his eyes. "I can not tell you," he said. "I am not his guardian any more, you are, and because of that I am not allowed to tell you what I know."
Dean sneered. "You want me to save my brother but you won't tell me how, even if you fucking know how?"
"You have to figure it out on your own," Castiel said, "and you have to do it soon. Time is moving fast and you need to hurry before it is too late."
Dean looked at Sam's bed again and could not help but to wish that Sam could have had a normal apple-pie life. His little brother, if anyone, deserved it.
"Can't you tell me anything else?" he asked and looked towards Castiel.
The desk stood empty by the wall and Dean was once again alone.
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