They all looked at me. Terrified. I breathed heavily. Almost to a growl. "Raph?" she questioned.
"She" was Ana, my oldest brother's girl friend, and probably my future sister in law. We called each other brother and sister anyway. (This fact was the same for Don and Mikey as well.) Ana was the one person...well mutant, in my life that never ticked me off. She always had a way of calming me down, she never pushed my buttons...well unless we were both in a joking manner, and she never seemed be afraid of me...unlike my brothers who didn't necessarily fear me. They just has a healthy respect of what I could do. With Ana, it was the other way around. I had a healthy respect for her and what she could do to me.
But tonight however, when I looked into her gentle, green eyes staring up at me, I saw fear. I looked down at her. She was in tears. She looked so confused and scared. My tense body relaxed itself as I filled with regret at what I had done. I turned my gaze to my two brothers holding my third brother in their hands. Leo looked up at me despite the pain I had caused him emotionally and physically. He cried softly. Donnie and Mikey held him tightly but gentle, staring at me with the same painful gaze. This was fear. The respect was gone. It was hard, cold, painful horror in their eyes.
I turned to Ana again. She had gotten herself on her feet. She held her bloody arm that had been slit open with a ninja star. She shook with pain and exhaustion. I wanted to help her, I wanted to pick her up and take her home to rest and heal, but when I reached my hand out to do so, she backed up in terror. I backed off and looked at my bloodstained hands. I scared myself. Ana then slowly inched her way over to stand by Donnie, still clenching her arm.
They all looked at me like they didn't know me. Tears started to creep into my eyes. My family had never looked at me that way before. But I couldn't blame them. Quite frankly, they had a right to do so. I didn't know myself anymore. What I had become was a monster. Something I swore I would never become on the inside. I couldn't help my outer appearance but, I promised myself I would never let the monstrous form take me over completely. That promise had started to break two months ago and I was too blind by fear to see it. Now its too late. It was shattered.
I looked down at my bloody hands once again. "What did I just do?!" I whispered to myself. My gaze returned to the painful eyes of my family.
"Guys I….I'm….I wish I could-...man, I just want-"
"Leave Raph." Ana stated quietly, but stern.
"W-What?" I hesitated. It took a second for those words to sink in but when they did, it felt like a flaming arrow shot right through my chest.
"Leave." She said again. "Go home. Go to your new master. I'm sure he'll be proud of what you've done." She stood proud trying to block out any emotion despite the tears pouring out of her eyes. You could tell she didn't want to do it. She didn't want to send me away.
"...Ana I-" "She said 'LEAVE' Raph!" Mikey interrupted. He had never yelled at me with such anger before. "Mikey I'm-..." I tried to apologize. But he looked at me so angrily through painful tears that I couldn't finish. "Donnie?" I looked at my brown eyed brother, who I noticed had taken off his purple mask and wrapped it around Leo's gushing, red arm. "Donnie I-" but again I spoke with no purpose. Don and soft spirit turned his face away from me and closed his eyes which poured more tears out. He didn't say a word, just sobbed as softly and quietly as he could.
"Just go…" Ana spoke softly again. I looked in her stern yet horrified eyes and then my glaced traveled to my, now unconscious, older brother. Leo looked so pitiful. He was bleeding horribly and was bruised so much so that I swear every inch of his body had a tint of black and blue. I could see his heavy breaths. Seeing such a horrible sight, and knowing I was responsible for it, pushed me off the edge. Tears streamed down my face. I couldn't help it. I was terrified of myself. I didn't want to see them anymore. I couldn't bear it. I wanted to get away from everyone now. So thats what I did.
I slowly backed up from them and then turned around and bolted. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I got about seven skyscrapers away and turned around to look at them. They all had their backs turned and walked shakily towards home. Mikey now had Leo hauled on his back and held him with the rest of the strength he had and Don had picked the extremely weak Ana up from her shaky legs and cradled her gently in his bruised arms.
Despite their pain, they all looked so full of courage. I wish to ends of the earth that I had the bravery they had….well have.
Tears still poured out of my burning eyes as I turned away in shame and continued the route to Shredder's lair.
I arrived about ten minutes later and climbed through the secret, broken window. I flipped onto my knees and bowed my head low in his presents as I wiped away my tears quickly. Shredder then sat up in his "throne" and spoke proudly.
"Raphael. You have returned sooner than I expected. I assume they didn't put up much of a fight."
"Of course they didn't!" I looked up at him and raised my voice in anger. "They would never try to hurt me! Not even on their worst days when they're all ticked off at me!"
"Mmm. Just as thought. You have done well my apprentice. I have what I need. Now I need you to-"
"FORGET IT! This wasn't in the deal! You said if I join you, my family wouldn't get hurt! That was the deal!"
He stood up, frustrated. "No Raphael. The deal was more different than you think! And-"
"If its so different, tell me what it is! Refresh my memory!" I was now on my feet yelling.
He got to his feet and walked right in front of me. He bent down in my face and spoke. "You know very well what it is!" he hissed. "It is useless for me to repeat my self a third and fourth time... Stand by for my next instructions. Be expecting them within the next twenty-four hours."
"NO WAY! I'm out of he-" he struck out his blades, cutting me off. My stomach twisted and turned as I wait for his next words.
"If you leave, the deal is off. And you know that means." he spoke deeply, putting the points of the blades to me neck.
"H-hai s-sensei…" I hesitated in fear but not for my life.
"Good. You may rest now. I will see you in a matter of hours." Shredder put away his blades as he spoke and sat back down.
"Yes master Shredder…" I forced myself to say as I bowed and exited the room.
I walked down the hall till I reached my dorm. I open the creaky door and slammed it behind me. I kicked my bed side table which caused the lamp on top to crash onto the ground and shattered the light bulb. But I didn't give a crap.
"AHHH! WHY IS THE WORLD AGAINST ME?! WHY AM I HERE?!" I screamed into my rather large room as I flung my sais at the wall and threw a few of my other belongings around the room. My words echoed from wall to wall and then faded out.
I sat on my bed and rubbed my head with my hands. Because of my violent actions seconds before, a cardboard box fell off the top on my closet shelf that was pretty high up. Too high to be noticeable. It landed on its side which let the flaps open up the reveal what was inside. I looked up to see what had fallen out of place. I swear my heart stopped beating when I saw what had slipped out.
I walked over to the box and got on my knees to pick up my red mask that Master Splinter had made for me when I was just a kid. I held it gently in my hands as tears slowly started to form in my eyes again. My attention was then drawn to something else that fell out of the box. And when I saw it, I SOBBED!
It was a picture of my brothers, my sister, and I. All hugging eachother and smiling our brightest smiles. I wondered if we would ever be like that again. The picture was of our most recent mutation day. Our seventeenth one. It had happened six months ago already. So hard to believe. I held the picture as tears poured out of my eyes and stained the image. I put it close to my chest and looked in front of me where a mirror stood. Lightning flashed outside as it began to rain and lit up my room, revealing my reflection clearly. The black mask, stamped with the Foot Clan sign and tied around my head, startled me. The sight showed me a foolish, teenaged, mutant, turtle in the mirror that I didn't recognize anymore. My eyes grew wide at the unfamiliar sight.
"I really am a monster." I whispered to myself as I looked down at the tear stained picture again.
"How did I get to this point?... How did this happen?" I questioned into the empty room as if someone would answer. And then a memory of mine became so clear and bold in my mind.
When I was a kid and had just gotten my pet turtle, Spike, there was a time when I misplaced him. I was so scared and worried about him and I was so mad at myself for losing him. I asked my brothers if they had seen him and they all said they had not. I was worried out of my mind about him. I was freaking out and then, I ran into Master Splinter.
I remember his voice so gentle and clear. "What is troubling you my son?" he questioned.
"It's Spike Sensei! I can't find him anywhere!" I cried into his arms as he brought me into a hug.
He held me tight and then released to get down to my hight. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked deep into my eyes.
"My son," he spoke gently. "Whenever you lose sight of something, simply retrace your steps and you will find what you seek."
All the sudden a child like hope fill me up. Hey, what'd you expect? I was like...four. "Hai Sensei!" I chimed and ran off to think of the last time I saw Spike. I ended up finding him, in the kitchen, under the table, about ten minutes later. You can imagine how happy I was!...and how stupid I felt for overlooking an obvious place.
Those words replayed in my mind over and over. "My son, whenever you lose sight of something, simply retrace your steps and you will find what you seek." "Ok Raph." I whispered to myself. "Let's find some answers."