CASTIEL'S Owner's Guide and Manual
Summary: Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a CASTIEL model. This manual includes everything you need to know about assembling and owning a CASTIEL model.
Author's Note: Yes, I wrote Supernatural fanfiction, and not only that, but something light-hearted. Shocking. I don't own Supernatural, and the Owner's Guide idea was started a long time ago on by Theresa Green, and I don't own that idea either. Supernatural is not my normal fandom and attempts at humor is not what I normally write, but this was an idea that just had to be written.
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a CASTIEL! In order to obtain top performance from your Angel of the Lord, please follow the procedures below.
Your CASTIEL should arrive fully assembled. Currently, there is only one CASTIEL edition.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: CASTIEL (also known as Cas, Mr. Comatose, Huggy Bear, Clarence, Little Tree-Topper, etc.)
Species: Angel of the Lord
Manufacturers: Supernatural, INC.
Date of Manufacture: Unknown
Age: CASTIEL is confirmed to be older than both dirt and dinosaurs, but we are currently unable to pinpoint an exact age. (Just know that he is much, much, much older than you.)
Appearance: In human vessel, CASTIEL units are of medium height, slightly lean, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
ACCESSORIES
1 HOLY TAX ACCOUNTANT outfit (of special import is the TRENCH COAT accessory)
1 ANGEL BLADE
1 GET OUT OF DEATH FREE CARD (Personally authorized by God)
ASSEMBLY
Your CASTIEL unit will be shipped fully assembled. In order to activate your CASTIEL unit, remove from crate and place face-up on the floor. Your CASTIEL unite will self-activate within 24 hours. WARNING: We strongly suggest that you begin the activation procedures in a room without any glass or electronic screens that you feel strongly attached to, as CASTIEL activation will include the breaking of glass. We also suggest that you leave the room where CASTIEL activation is taking place for approximately 24 hours, since flying glass may cause injury. We are not responsible for injuries obtained from activating your CASTIEL unit.
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your CASTIEL is user-friendly and has been designed to respond to voice controls. Please state your instructions clearly. Your CASTIEL unit knows all current world languages, and is a great way to practice your foreign languages. (He is also capable in Enochian, but we are operating under the assumption that you will not know this language.)
USES
Your CASTIEL unit is efficient and is useful for many situations. While CASTIEL's functions are not limited to these, we have found that many people enjoy these special CASTIEL functions:
SOLDIER:
Your CASTIEL unit has millennia of combat experiences and is a skilled fighter. He has a working knowledge of most weaponry, with special skills in the Angel Blade.
PROTECTOR/BODYGUARD
CASTIEL makes an ideal bodyguard. While being proficient in the weapons mentioned above, he is also manufactured with the ability to smite demons and can heal human injuries.
COUNSELOR
While not licensed for professional counseling, your CASTIEL unit is a skilled listener. CASTIEL is known to be a good keeper of secrets, and will not betray your trust.
TIME TRAVELER
All CASTIEL units have the ability to time travel, though time traveling takes a lot of energy from your CASTIEL unit and we recommend you only do it at a maximum of once every five years. We are not responsible for any time loops or events that occur while time traveling.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
You will find that your CASTIEL's compatibility with other models shifts depending on the current mode setting. While on "Heaven's Soldier" mode, he will be compatible with most Angel models, SAM, and DEAN models. He will be incompatible with LUCIFIER models and URIEL models. While in "Team Free Will" mode, CASTIEL will be incompatible with most angel models and may cause any ANGEL models in "Heaven's Soldier" mode bodily harm. He will be highly compatible with SAM, DEAN, and BOBBY models. In " Heaven's Civil-War" mode, CASTIEL will be incompatible with most models except CROWLEY mode. We highly suggest taping this mode into a permanent OFF function, as the natural outcome of a CASTIEL model in this mode is utter destruction and death to many, many models. We also advise that under no circumstance is a CASTIEL model allowed to interact with a CROWLEY model. In "Broken-Angel" mode, CASTIEL will be slightly unbalanced and unwilling to fight, but handy in awkward situations as a source of constant amusement. In this mode, he will also be quite fond of board games and be highly compatible (at least he thinks so) with the DEMON MEG models.
PRECAUTIONS
Do not expose your CASTIEL to White Castle burgers, Holy oils, lewd materials, or alcohol.
CLEANING
Your CASTIEL unit is well-programmed to have a taste for good hygiene and will need little assistance. However, in the event that you use your CASTIEL unit is used in a function such as SOLDIER or BODYGUARD and blood ends up on CASTIEL's trench coat, it is imperative that you have the coat cleaned immediately and properly, as it is one of CASTIEL'S most valued possessions. The trench coat is DRY-CLEAN only.
CARE
As an Angel of the Lord, your CASTIEL unit is programmed to be highly independent and needs little care. CASTIEL units do not have a necessity for human needs such as sleep or food, though your CASTIEL unit will enjoy a treat in the form of a burger on occasion. As long as your CASTIEL unit's wardrobe is kept clean, you should find your CASTIEL unit to be satisfied with his level of care and maintenance.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My CASTIEL unit is unable to properly communicate! He doesn't understand my jokes, constantly says the wrong thing. . . I can't take him anywhere!
A: Your CASTIEL unit has probably not acclimated to the human life quite yet. As a wavelength of celestial intent, CASTIEL will not understand slang, jokes, or most human language. Over time, CASTIEL will acquire these abilities. If you would like to speed up the process, having your CASTIEL in "Team Free Will" mode may aid the process slightly.
Q: My CASTIEL unit keeps drinking all the alcohol in the house, and I worry about the state of his liver.
A: While we advise owners to keep all alcohol under a padlock in order to seal it away from CASTIEL models, as an Angel of the Lord, CASTIEL is more immune to the effects of alcohol than humans. While drinking an entire liquor store may inebriate him and damage his liver, anything under that is unlikely to cause him any type of harm at all.
Q: All my CASTIEL unit wants to do is play board games, and I can't take it anymore!
A: Your CASTIEL unit is probably in the "Broken Angel" mode. This is easily fixed by putting him in any other mode – we suggest the "Team Free Will" mode. This should instantly fix your problem as your CASTIEL unit will have no penchant for board games in any other mode.
Q: My CASTIEL unit is trapped in a ring of Holy oil! How do I get him out?
A: Anyway you would put out a normal fire will suffice for helping a CASTIEL unit escape Holy Oil. Just try and be as quick as possible, as CASTIEL units, like most angel units, do not like being trapped in the Holy Oil ring.
Q: My CASTIEL unit is in TEAM FREE WILL mode and said he carved something on my ribs. All I know is that it was painful! What did my CASTIEL unit do, and are my ribs all right?
A: Your CASTIEL unit is simply exhibiting his natural protectiveness of the humans in his charge. He carved Ennochian sigils on your ribs, and as such, you are now hidden from all angels. While your doctors may be confused if you ever need a chest X-ray, you should have no other ill effects from having the markings on your ribs.
LIFESPAN AND WARRANTY
While we cannot guarantee a specific lifespan for a CASTIEL unit, you will find that under the proper conditions, your CASTIEL unit will outlive you. However, in the event of armed combat between the forces of Heaven and Hell, your CASTIEL unit may suffer a fatal injury, though this can be remedied by using the GET OUT OF DEATH FREE card. Because of the nature of CASTIEL unit' involvements in forces of the supernatural, we issue no guarantees or warranties on CASTIEL units.
For any inquiries, comments, or complaints, please email us at angelsofthelord or call 1-800-ANGELUNITS.