I wrote the first part of this last year when I was highly emotional, and left it rotting in my hard drive. Found it again today and just decided: oh what the heck lets finish this.

This is non-ES compliant because there's no Sousuke (obviously) and I haven't had the time to really watch Free!ES yet, which is really sad but studies and graduation have to come first.

Warnings: breakdown!Makoto, unfaithful!Haru, weird grammar choices (I question my state of mind... really) and lack of beta (this is all word puke, trust me.)

Disclaimer: I do not own Free! Iwatobi Swimming Club or Free! Eternal Summer, they belong to Kyoto Animation. High Speed! and High Speed!2 belong to Ooji Kouji.

Note: This was cross-posted from Ao3! The formatting there is much better *grumbles* FANFICTION WHY.

Makoto didn't know where they went wrong. Maybe it was him, maybe it was Haru…

Or maybe it was Rin.

And it's illogical, since Makoto never thought he'd see the day his and Haru's relationship break apart – it never crossed his mind. He was sure it never crossed Haru's either. Long before this charade started, he and Haru were at one point best friends, having made a silent promise that they never overstep that boundary to anything else lying beyond.

He can no longer even remember who broke that promise first. It might have been him, or it might have been Haru. What he does remember – and know – clearly, is the fact that they started going backwards, becoming distant from each other, further and further away.

It wasn't in a physical manner, since they still attended the same university and they still ate lunch with Nagisa, Rei and Rin together while Makoto tried to keep up his usual caring and happy façade. But Makoto could tell that Haruka's attention was never on him anymore. Something had changed along the lines, and if Rin's constant staring at Haruka wasn't any indication, Makoto honestly didn't know what could make it more obvious.

He didn't hate Haruka for being distant with him and making him interpret his actions and looks. He'd been doing that for more than a decade after all, and he knew Haruka better than anyone – he was sure it applied to even Haruka himself, not to mention Rin. He could never hate Haru.

However, knowing that Haru was blatantly hiding something from him was disturbing, to say the least. Although Haruka was difficult to read to people who don't know him, Makoto knew Haruka, better than what Haruka himself was comfortable with sometimes – to Haruka it was both worrying and comforting at the same time, he had once admitted to Makoto – so Makoto also naturally know how to read Haruka's signs. The other had never tried to hide anything from Makoto up until now – there was no use in doing that since Makoto could read him like an open book anyways.

He'd be off happier not knowing – or acknowledging – the signs of Haruka hiding something from him. And knowing that Rin – of all people It just has to be him, it's always him – had something to do with it tore him apart even more.

To be honest, Makoto could not pinpoint a specific point in time where things started going downhill. It may have been during their first year of university – he didn't understand why Rin was attending a university when he should be dream chasing to get his desired Olympics medals anyways, but that didn't make much sense to Makoto either because he and Haru were happy.

Or, he thought bitterly, looking at Rin staring at Haruka, maybe that's when things really started spiraling out of control.

Haru himself was poking his grilled mackerel with his chopsticks, seemingly uninterested in anything else, but Makoto knew better. Between Nagisa and Rei's daily bickering, Rin's bored replies every once in a while and his own – now fake, nothing more than a mask – smiles, Haruka's nonchalant attitude stood out to him more than anything else, and it hurts. More so than Makoto forcing himself to put on a smile just to face Haru everyday.

He knew, Haru still cared for him. But it was no longer like before. They were no longer intimate.

Makoto liked it better when they were younger, when Haru still held his hand in a reassuring grip, telling him not with words but with actions that scream I'm here, I'll always be, offering Makoto comfort at his lowest.

Nowadays, when Haruka held his hand, it's as tight, but it didn't feel right to Makoto any longer. It felt like Haruka was going to break away from him at any second and Makoto will be very much left alone.

Which was ironic, really, since two years ago Haruka was the one who didn't want to be left alone.

And now, Haruka is leaving him for the very same person who had left him behind.

(For Haruka perhaps, it's always Rin. Just like how for Makoto, it's always Haruka.)

"Ne, ne, Mako-chan! Don't you agree with me?" Nagisa's question interrupted his thoughts – and Makoto was glad for that, he didn't want to go around hating Rin now, although the redhead may be the reason for his and Haru's growing distance, but Rin was still his friend.

"Hm? Sorry?" He blinked, and saw both Rei and Nagisa staring at him with such ferocity he recoiled a bit towards Haruka's side.

"Mako-chan, you weren't listening were you?" The blonde pouted, and Makoto blinked, looking at Haruka for help. The other was still staring at his half-eaten lunch, but Makoto could pick out words like "mackerel", "karaage", "cutlet" and "better".

Oh, oh. So that was what Nagisa and Rei were quarreling about. He laughed sheepishly.

"I think they are all quite good, it depends on the occasion." Nagisa visibly deflated and Rei frowned and sighed.

"Makoto-senpai is way too nice." He remarked, and Makoto could not offer more than a small smile in reply to his statement.

If I'm 'way too nice', why won't Haru just turn his attention towards me..?

He immediately stopped that train of thought and nudged his boyfriend – could they really continue to call each other that at this point? – gently, noticing a flash of jealousy in Rin's eyes as he did that, and informing him that they had class to get to.

Haruka simply nodded and started packing up the leftovers of his lunch. Offering a wordless nod to Nagisa's – and Rei's, because Nagisa forced him to – cheerful farewell, Makoto did not miss the way Haruka met Rin's eyes. It was only for a fraction of a second, but what was scary for Makoto was that in that split-second, he couldn't read Haruka.

It was exactly what he had feared, that one day Haru'd be far away from him, that one day they didn't understand each other enough anymore to be able to read each other as well as they did when they were younger.

Maybe we're… maybe I'm doing this wrong, he thought as he gathered his books and closed his locker – with a bit more force than what was really necessary – maybe, just maybe…

Maybe it's time to actually talk to Haruka face to face and force the other to speak. He didn't want to do that because he knew how uncomfortable Haru was when it came to expressing himself in words, but Makoto wanted – he needed – answers and no one was going to offer it to him other than Haruka himself.

Separating in the hallway of their campus, Haruka offered him a nod and a squeeze of his hand before walking into his next class. They wouldn't see each other until after their classes ended for the day, although Makoto wanted answers now, he didn't want to make a scene in the middle of the campus where everyone could see. It'd just make Haruka clamp up even more and Makoto needed him to be relaxed.

So he'd wait. He'd waited almost ten years to be this close – well, no longer very close, really – to Haru, it couldn't hurt to wait for half a day more.

It seems that fate is being especially cruel to him. Makoto snorted at himself, feeling a bitter smile plaster itself on his face and refuse to leave. It's painful. Not just to smile but his heart is clenching and contorting in pain so excruciating, he didn't think Haruka could have made it any worse.

When he'd gone to Haruka's classroom to pick his boyfriend – it's such a mocking term now – up after class, he saw the person he'd expected.

As well as someone he did not.

Rin.

Makoto had tensed up, because Rin and Haruka were being unnaturally close to each other. And he had snuck closer to watch, only to hear something he completely hadn't expected.

"When are you going to break it off with him?" Makoto heard Rin first, before tensing as he realised that Rin was talking about him.

A pause, and Haruka gave a tentative reply. "It's… not that simple, Rin. I love him, but I - "

"So you don't love me? Then what is this," he watched as Rin gestured between the two of them, "for?"

"I love you too but it's complicated, damn it Rin!" Makoto hasn't heard this magnitude of emotions from Haru-chan in a long time, and while it made him happy that Haruka was still capable of loving Makoto – even when Makoto knew it's different from how couples loved each other but he's trying to not think about that – it hurt like no other that Haruka has admitted to loving Rin as well.

He really should've seen this coming. He had looked on in disappointment and despair as Rin pushed Haruka back onto the table and proceeded to smother – it looked like that to Makoto, at the very least – Haruka with kisses.

And what made him anguish was the fact that Haruka responded to those forceful kisses with an equal fervor.

Makoto had forced his eyes shut and fled immediately after because he could not bear to stay there. Emotions rushing through him like the waves of the ocean he hated and feared so much; waves of disappointment, anguish, and most of all – betrayal.

He tried to forget what he saw, but even when his eyes were closed he could see that scene replaying in his head over and over. Obviously he did not see the spiraling progress between his two friends – for maybe Haruka was just a best friend and nothing more and he could no longer determine just where he and Rin really stood in terms of their relationship – and his dash had led him to probably the second most painful place – anywhere but where Haru is right now – to be at that moment.

The pool.

Which led him to his current situation. He sucked in a breath, and hated the way it came out like a desperate and weak gasp. Reality finally catching up to him, feeling weak and overwhelmed by the fact that he had just seen Haruka – his Haru-chan no longer – cheating on him with Rin of all people, his knees gave out mercilessly.

He heaved another breath that sounded like a dry sob, for Makoto did not cry – perhaps if it were someone else he would've shed tears but this was Haru and so the pain went so much deeper than that crying simply didn't suffice – because somewhere in him he knows, he always knew, that Rin would one day replace Makoto's current position in Haru's heart.

Maybe Makoto just wasn't cut out for that position in the first place. Maybe he and Haruka were both fools for trying.

But Makoto had believed. He had tried to hope so badly that perhaps he and Haru-chan – Haruka, he didn't think he could even stand to refer to the other by his endearment right now – could be something.

Or, they could have been.

But they weren't.

He didn't know how long he spend, just kneeling by the poolside, palms pushing against the rough edges of the tiles so harshly he thought they were going to bleed or at least leave permanent marks.

Just like his heart.

Haru–Haruka was there in their shared dorm room when he returned. Makoto honestly didn't know how he hadn't spot it before – the other's eyes were now distant, probably have been for a long time.

The other had apparently just finished a shower – probably to cover up evidence of his activities with Rin – and was drying his hair when Makoto entered, closing the door with a soft click.

Blue eyes gave his messy hair and disheveled appearance a once over, and met his dull green. The owners of said – beautiful – eyes tensed, and Makoto wondered if Haruka finally realised that there is no hiding anything any longer because Makoto knows.

They were both silent.

The air was never this tense between the two of them. It made Makoto even more desperate because things were never like this.

It's all Rin's fault, Makoto could hear something in him insist, but logic snubbed that thought immediately. It's Haruka's, too.

It could even be mine. I shouldn't have hoped for all this in the first place.

Haruka broke the silence first. "So, where were you? I was looking for you."

He couldn't stop the uplift of a corner of his lips, and he thinks about how sardonic he must look right now.

"You weren't."

"Excuse me?" Just like Haruka to run from what's in front of him.

"You were with Rin." He paused, and then continued carefully. "I saw you two."

There's the silence again, accompanied by a sharp stillness that was extremely painful.

This admission will change everything, he mused, but isn't everything already off status quo from the start?

"Oh." Haruka replied, and looked away from him, biting his lips. His hands fell to his side, clenching and unclenching.

Makoto simply found all these excruciating to watch.

"We should stop this, Haruka." He watched as the shorter male tensed at those words.

"What?"

"I mean, let's break up."

And those were the words that sealed their fate.

Haruka didn't understand how things became this way. Makoto was supposed to be the love of his life – after all, hadn't the other stuck with him through everything? – and they were supposed to be happy.

But, for some reason, they weren't.

I know you still love me, but we can't escape the fact that I'm not enough for you.

There will be a Haruka side (because I feel the need to justify his actions so that you guys don't hate him too much), he has a reason alright? Please don't hate him (or me) for making poor Makoto suffer.

I'm not sure when I'm going to finish the Haruka chapter but it's probably not any time soon. I haven't even had the time to watch Eternal Summer... and the amount of prompts I have for Free! is amazing...

Expect it (and any revision of this chapter) in december, when I'm done with my IB final exams. Wish me luck!

P.S. The quote is an edit from Haruki Murakami's South of the Border, West of the Sun. For those who read the book, you'll know that the original wording is "I think", but we all know that Makoto knows Haruka better than that. So I just had to butcher sensei's words.