of halos & wings
disclaimer: not mine.
Deep down, you've known.
That this is you and this is him.
And this is how it's meant to be.
-o-
It starts long before a fleeting glance.
Instead, it starts with a distance and the changes that Shirou-chan has suffered through, trying to help you piece your life together, trying to regain your bearings. And you don't know when it starts, but while you've always been aware of it, you've never been this conscious of it.
There's darkness and despair within the air he breathes, sadness and sombreness clinging to him like the shadows on his back.
He keeps himself to himself, and there's barely any reminder of the boy you used to know, addicted to watermelons and contained sweetness like toffee.
No matter how radiant you try to be, still his frost remains, the winter exterior unchanging.
But you continue to smile, in a vain hope that it will, that he will change.
He's done so much for you, and you want to repay the favour.
And then, one day, it changes. With a laidback set of footsteps, a sardonic remark that passes like the tease of rain; something happens beyond that tomboyish smirk, twinkling eyes, and a simple greeting… the girl makes Shirou-chan smile.
Something that you've been trying to do your entire life, she's managed to do in one encounter.
However faint, however slight, the smile is there.
And you know that he'll be watching her walk away long before the moment ever happens.
It's the first time that you meet Kurosaki Karin.
Already, you know that it won't be the last.
-o-
You see it happen before your very eyes.
Something so beautiful, something so lovely… that you can't bring yourself to stop it.
Their romance starts slow and tentative, butting heads and teasing comments; goofy apologies and gruff-sounding acceptances that are muffled by embarrassment; fiery tempers and unexpected laughter, seemingly infectious. It grows and blossoms and still you don't have the heart to tear it all apart.
You get it.
Really, you do.
And maybe it's only you that can see their unspoken attraction, unfolding like spring, and find it so blindingly obvious.
Because Kurosaki Karin makes Shirou-chan happy, happier than you ever have.
Part of you resents that, just a little bit.
Part of you wants it to be you, and not this girl who is also the sister of Kurosaki Ichigo, to be the one who holds Shirou-chan's heart.
Part of you wonders why you're clinging so tightly to fairytale dreams.
-o-
It's hard to hate her.
But it's easy to be infuriated with her.
Karin's lazy, laidback and mellow, wearing her heart on her sleeve, and that it makes sense for her to be part of Division Eight. And that's the side that Karin lets people see, the kind and caring side that comes with snarky banter and almost reckless determination. Because she's likable that way, slipping into a friendly rapport with the rest of the members of the Divisions; and when the mood takes her, she goes off in tangents, running with her ideas because she's young, like a breath of fresh grass.
And you can see there's more to her, there's depth in flesh and bone and spiritual reiatsu and everything in between.
There are flaws, but apparently, there's not enough for Shirou-chan to turn away from her.
… no matter what she says or does, you just can't hate her.
Karin's brave, stands up to her beliefs and rebuffs Kyouraku-taichou's advances by transferring them onto Ise Nanao. She looks out for other people, and there's so much warmth inside of her here that no wonder Shirou-chan is falling for her.
Their hands slip easily into each other, like they're meant to be; quiet smiles on their faces, oblivious as they chat to each other, trying to ignore the rising blush.
As much as it hurts you to admit, they look good together.
That's when you know that some things: idle thoughts that come from a dreamer's heart are, sometimes, just meant to be dreams.
More than anything, you want Shirou-chan to be happy.
-o-
You know that he's changed for the better. The subtle changes, the small steps taken, but you can see it so clearly like melting snow.
His smiles are more obvious, his presence more light-hearted, like he doesn't blame himself anymore—
(For not protecting you, for failing you when your heart was shattered by Aizen.)
—and it's because of Karin.
You know this.
When Shirou-chan's thoughts drift, and a soft smile spreads on his face, you know that his thoughts are of Karin.
Never you.
-o-
It's funny, because you give up the losing battle so easily that's its not funny at all but you can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it.
And it happens the minute Karin seeks you out personally with a bottle of sake and a request of his (and your) childhood.
"Hinamori-san," she begins, awkwardly finding the words, shifting from side to side. "Would you… do you… wanna get drunk with me?"
Maybe it's the invitation more than anything else. Maybe it's the twist in formality and informality. Or maybe it's just the sincerity in her.
But, for whatever reason, you say yes.
You stop chasing Shirou-chan's heart.
-o-
"Kanpai!"
Downing the seventh shot, you feel on top of the world and seconds away from hitting rock bottom.
"Ne, Hinamori-chan," Karin slurs, "I think you should see Toushirou. Stop hiding. Stop running."
"Mm?" And somehow, you can't help but resent that spark of hope made of pure fantasy flaring up before being crushed. "Why?"
"Because – because you're his friend, you're his childhood friend, dammit! And friends should be friends should be friends!" Empathetically, Karin nods, determined in her resolve; before she withdraws into her shell, a little shy with the next topic. Another sip of sake and the coyness is gone.
"What was he like, you know, when he was younger? Toushirou, I mean."
These are memories that she will never have; never know, and you always will.
Part of Shirou-chan will always be yours, where you can look back and smile.
And you can share them if you wish, or keep them to yourself, but after eight shots, you're past the superficial hatred, and denial can only last for so long.
They deserve this. Happiness.
You're tired of being an obstacle, tired of watching them dance around the subject of love and kisses, and you're tired of living in such a naïve world where dreams will only fall apart before your very eyes the longer you stay in the world of make believe, clashing with reality.
So you tell an anecdote, you tell Karin to kiss him.
You know that your heart hurts because you're so used to being selfish, so used to using Shirou-chan as a safety blanket to catch your fall.
But it's time to let go.
Because they need this.
You need this.
Because Shirou-chan's your friend, because Karin's your friend, and you don't want to lose them, don't want to hurt them any more.
-o-
Completely drunk and plastered, with cheesy grins and flushed faces, you find yourself with her at Shirou-chan's office, giggly.
And maybe it happens too quickly, too slowly, too right on time, but Karin reaches for her white-haired taichou and kisses him
Maybe it's just intoxication getting to him, but he doesn't resist, pulling Karin closer and breaking the ice, both wanting this to happen for far too long.
Random clapping can only last so long before toppling into unconsciousness.
-o-
The morning after is awful, and you can hear the teasing of Kyouraku-taichou before you open your eyes.
Karin mumbles a shut up and snuggles into Shirou-chan's embrace.
And somehow, you can't help but smile, and let it fade away, wondering if you'll find somebody like that, freeing you of a heavy burden, there to be support.
The envy is gone, but the care is not.
You trust Karin, and you know that they are supposed to be.
-o-
So this is you.
And this is him.
Fireworks explode in the air, celebration for his birthday.
And somewhere along the way, where you hold his hand and Karin holds his heart, you can only smile.