This my first ever fanfic and probably a load of rubbish but something bugged me about the ep "Something Wicked" when Dean blamed himself for the kiddies getting bumped off and I just got the urge. Not sure if it's slightly AU (hope not) as it assumes some kids actually died post Dean's first encounter with the Shtriga and I'm not 100 sure if any did. More chapters coming soon I just have to tweak. Hope it doesn't suck too much.

Update 1/4/07 I changed the format of this at the suggestion of a reviewer who said it was a bit hard to read. What can I say I'm a newbie. Hope this is better and thanks for the advice.

Fall to pieces

Chapter 1

Another job over and he's feeling pretty fried and somewhat drained. The wheel is hurting his hands and he wonders why until he realises it's actually him because he's gripping it so damn hard. His hands his jaw and his head all ache, he guesses from all the clenching, he supposes he should try and relax somewhat, otherwise someone might notice and start asking questions. Always with the questions. He can practically feel him looking at him, now and again quick sly little glances like as if he doesn't notice.

"Dude, I know I look hot in this shirt but can you quit ogling me, it's creeping me out."

He notices Sam shake his head, annoyed then look out of the window. Then some minutes later steals another glance. He wishes he would quit looking at him, just keep those eyes front on the road and off of him and just knock it off.

Sam can always read him like he just knows like he can see inside him. Psychic Boy. Smart ass. Geekboy with far too much brains. Everyone else falls for the act, the confidence the charm the cockiness, self assured bullshit but not Sam. Not Sammy. Although right now he wishes more than anything he could hide that shit from his brother because this wasn't helping and it wasn't going away and it would never feel better.

He'd wasted the thing, killed it. It can't take anyone else now no more kids, no more lives. And he's finally made it up to his brother for letting him down all those years go. No. He could never make up for that, not ever but at least it had been put right. It was dead, over.

Except for all those kids he couldn't save, the ones he'd failed because all he wanted to do was play on those stupid arcade games and get away from that room and his whiny little brother just for a few hours. He buried the guilt all this time because if you didn't it would eat you alive and he couldn't do his job that way, couldn't be the soldier his Dad wanted him to be. No, the only thing he could do was never let it happen again, never leave his brother, never ever leave him alone again.

He's a man now, all grown up and he's seen and done so many things, slept with so many girls and even fallen in love. Once. So many things that they would never do because he had robbed them of that in his failure to obey that one fucking order.

He'd been able to forget and carry on because if you don't actually see the faces of those you've killed its easier to forget, to pretend it never happened but seeing those kids in the hospital with their moms and dads and brothers and sisters, lost and desperate and dying with no hope and no answers, it had kicked him in the gut and left him on the floor gasping.

And of course there was Jessica. It was when he'd returned to the hospital alone after speaking with Hydecker – after Sam had worked out he was the Shtriga - and he'd noticed one of the kids wasn't in a coma - just admitted apparently after her parents had burst into her room to find her distressed and screaming not comatose like the others which made him curious and he remembers vividly how they'd made eye contact and everything inside him told him to keep walking but for some reason he'd ignored the voice in his head and approached the small, frail child lying in the hospital bed with her bright blue eyes and copper hair.

She'd smiled at him and he'd smiled back and he'd taken her tiny hand in his and asked her name. She'd said it was Jessica but that he could call her Jess because that's what her friends called her and it had pretty much broken his heart right there.

He'd asked her where her mom was and she'd told him that she'd gone to the bathroom but promised that she'd be back soon. He'd asked her if it hurt and she'd smiled and said that sometimes it did but not right now and that she tried not to cry because it upset her mom but sometimes she couldn't help it because it really, really hurt and he'd told her that she was very brave and reached down and pushed a strand of red hair off her pale forehead. She'd frowned then and asked him why he was so sad and he'd looked away realising that there was fluid filling up in his eyes. She'd taken his hand again and squeezed it telling him not to be sad because her mom had told her she would get well soon and so would all the other kids and that she just had to be brave and keep thinking good things.

A woman he assumed was her mother had shown up then her eyes all red and face blotchy after obviously having spent too long in the bathroom secretly crying her soul out for the daughter that she hoped more than anything wasn't going to end up like all the others dying in their sleep. He'd shook her hand and told her they were doing everything they could and gave her his best wishes before turning to Jess and giving her one last smile and a wink before getting the hell out of there before he threw his insides up in front of everyone.

He'd told Sam about Jess but managed to sound objective with just the right amount of sympathy and Sam had smiled and nodded and Dean had thought to himself that he wasn't fooling anyone. He found out later that shortly after him leaving she'd slipped into a coma and died that night and he remembered wishing that he'd never spoken to her and never made that connection which had almost torn him apart. After finding out later that the Shtriga was definitely Hydecker he'd figured that he'd - it had probably finished her off that night. Another thing which he believed was his fault.

He'd kept the rest hidden, almost. Sam had seen a little of what he was hiding but he'd hoped that would be the end of it but now he can feel his eyes drilling into him searching for the truth pushing out the lies and the facade and homing in on the very thing he wants to keep hidden safe and out of the light. It's suffocating and he's struggling to breath and he doesn't know he's doing it but he pulls the car over stumbles out and paces up and down and up and down trying to control his breathing, until finally resting on the hood, his arms clasped tightly round his stomach because maybe it will help hold him together. He's breathing heavily now eyes clamped shut trying to regain his equilibrium trying to stay focused and calm and not completely lose it in front of his baby brother.
"Dean?"
Sam is there standing close by, but not too close but right there asking, searching for something which he has no hope of finding. He takes a deep breath and finds his voice:

"Sam I swear to you, if you touch me I will put your ass on the floor."

He doesn't even know he's saying it until it's too late the words escaping and damaging the one thing he can trust and rely on. Too late. He hurts everyone he loves; it's in his makeup - just something he does. It's easier than saying how you really feel; easier than spilling your guts and risking everything just for the chance to receive comfort - comfort which he doesn't need or deserve anyway. He senses his brother back off slightly and realises that any chance he had of telling Sam the very things he so desperately needs to has vanished forever and there was no going back now. He curses softly as he feels a single tear trace a path down his cheek and hopes Sam doesn't see. He brushes it away and draws in one last breath before turning and getting back into the car where silence will continue and this will never be spoken of again.