Stories Killed The Radio Stars

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Second Halloween episode of Thank You, Heavenly. And yes, it's better than the first one. You don't want to miss out on a good read!

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 5

Airdate: October 27, 2013

Title: Stories Killed The Radio Stars (Halloween episode)

Segway Segment: RoundTable ("Is breast cancer awareness becoming a problem now?")

Satire/Social Commentary: Distinguishing reality from fiction, alien invasion theories, Orson Welles' radio broadcast of War of the Worlds in 1938, folie a deux, censorship

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky notices all the Halloween decorations when he's walking in with Buster)

SPARKY: Buster, have you noticed what I've noticed?

BUSTER: Miranda Kerr is REALLY hot?

SPARKY: Eh, she's OK. But I'm talking about all the Halloween stuff this school is doing.

BUSTER: You got that right. Orange and black banners, balloons, fake cobwebs, pumpkins. They even got a real live skeleton.

SKULLY: Hey guys, do you know where the little skull's room is?

SPARKY: Down that way to your right, Skully.

SKULLY: Thanks.

(Skully heads to the boys' bathroom; long pause)

BUSTER: He scares me to some extent.

SPARKY: But seriously, we should get in on all this. I mean, there's more to do than just attend the Monster Mash.

BUSTER: Ah, the Monster Mash. iCarly Elementary School's first-ever Halloween party. I have to win the costume contest.

SPARKY: There's no way, pal. According to Wade, standard Halloween conventions dictate that the scariest costume wins. And nobody's going to be scarier than me.

BUSTER: Oh yeah? I'm going as Carrie White.

SPARKY: Why are you dressing as a girl?

BUSTER: I loved Chloe Grace Moretz's portrayal of her. And thank you for bringing gender equality back 50 years with your ignorant statement.

SPARKY: I just wanted to know why you were dressing as a girl.

BUSTER: What are you going as, Mr. Second-Rate Costume?

SPARKY: I'm going as Frankentist. Half-Frankenstein, half-dentist. Scary, huh?

BUSTER: It didn't work for Arthur and it sure as bloody Hell isn't going to work for you.

SPARKY: Oh, so you're saying I'm not scary?

BUSTER: Dude, My Little Pony is scarier than you.

(Sparky's disappointed face is quickly taken away by something he sees on the bulletin board)

BUSTER: What's the matter, Sparky?

SPARKY: Over there. A poem.

(Sparky and Buster walk over to the bulletin board)

SPARKY: Of course, Divine wrote it. I'm telling you, that kid is even better than Wade sometimes.

BUSTER: "The Crypt" by Divine Williams.

SPARKY: We have to top that. He made a Halloween poem, we can make a Halloween STORY.

BUSTER: What kind of story?

SPARKY: Something creepy. We can meet at my place tonight and write it, then read it tomorrow morning on our radio show.

BUSTER: That's a genius idea. Then WE'LL have the scariest writing in school.

(walking to class with Buster) SPARKY: Exactly. And on another note, don't joke about My Little Pony, man. Those bronies are scary as (bleep).

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

(Wade is eating when RK runs in with papers)

RK: WADE! WADE! WADE, WADE, WADE!

WADE: What is it, RK...

(RK accidentally shoves Wade to the floor with all his excitement)

WADE: I only have one question. Did you do that on purpose?

RK: 75% no. But this is important. Wade, bubby, baby, it's finally happened.

WADE: What's finally happened?

RK: You know how my parents sent me that telescope I've been fantasizing about day and night?

WADE: Yeah, the Junior Galileo telescope. Like on the commercial? "Be Like Galileo Even Though You'll Never Be Galileo."

RK: Exactly. Well, last night, I was just stargazing when I found this.

(RK shows Wade a picture he took from his telescope)

WADE: A weather balloon?

RK: No, a UFO. A real live one. I got three more pics just like it.

(Wade checks out the other pictures)

WADE: Are you sure it wasn't just a blimp?

RK: Wade, I'm telling you, the alien invasion has come at long last. And I'm going to be immortalized for finding out before anyone else could.

WADE: RK, do you know how many people say they saw a UFO year after year?

RK: I don't know. 40?

WADE: Way more than that. And when some idiot is stupid enough to believe them, their hopes are shattered when they found it was just a lie or some crackpot theory.

RK: Wade, do I look like a crackpot?

(long pause)

WADE: Yes. The point is, these pictures don't prove anything. It was probably just a weather balloon or something.

RK: You know, I would rather you just tell me you don't believe in aliens than just skirt around it.

WADE: I'm not. There's never been any concrete proof that aliens and flying saucers exist.

RK: Well, didn't you say that Earth can't be the only planet with life, relatively speaking?

WADE: Yeah, but what does that have to do with...

RK: And time travel hasn't been proven either, but you believe in that.

WADE: I'm more inclined to believe in traveling through time than believing in lifeforms that haven't been discovered yet.

RK: Wade, accept the fact that the alien invasion is coming. And Halloween is just three days away. That's probably where they're going to strike first.

WADE: Could you drop it? There's no alien invasion about to happen because your evidence is bogus. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go cry in the bathroom. Jaylynn being in New York and not here breaks my heart.

RK: I thought you were over Jaylynn.

WADE: She's my first love, the mourning doesn't just end.

(Wade heads to the bathroom, leaving RK at the table)

RK: That know-it-all jackass. I'm going to get concrete proof that aliens are invading.

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: OK. Now what are some things that scare you?

(Buster takes a second to think)

BUSTER: Jillian Michaels' face?

SPARKY: It's not that bad. Christina Cimorelli has the same face. You insult Jillian, you insult her too.

BUSTER: OK, scratch that. Whoopi Goldberg?

SPARKY: Whoa, I said things that scare you, not give you nightmares for life. But we should use that. The main character has a deformed face from the years of rage and mental abuse.

BUSTER: Nice. I was thinking we add some mystery to it also.

SPARKY: Like, Mary Shelley meets Agatha Christie?

BUSTER: With some Jackie Collins on the side.

SPARKY: OK, now we're cooking. Maybe nobody knows why this guy does what he does.

BUSTER: Why?

SPARKY: I was thinking you could come up with that.

BUSTER: I have to think?

(imitating a valley girl) SPARKY: Uh...ya.

BUSTER: Fine, just give me some time. I'll be in your room.

SPARKY: OK. Be back soon.

(long pause)

SPARKY: I really hope he isn't going to choke the chicken up there.

15-20 MINUTES LATER

SPARKY: OK, what is this kid doing that's taking so long? We have to read the story tomorrow morning.

(Sparky hears the theme song for Zoom)

SPARKY: Is that...what I think it is?

(Sparky opens his door to find Buster watching Zoom on his computer)

SPARKY: Buster, what the hell are you doing?

BUSTER: Watching Zoom, obviously. The 1999 one to be exact.

SPARKY: I know. Nobody gives a (bleep) about the 1972 Zoom. But why watch an old PBS show when we have a story to finish?

BUSTER: This show helps me think. Those kids are some of the smartest kids I've ever seen.

SPARKY: You say the same thing about my Trix box.

(Buster is laughing at the back of Sparky's Trix box)

SPARKY: Buster, every morning you come over here and spend five minutes busting a gut at that box of Trix. What's so funny?

BUSTER: It's just...no matter how many disguises that rabbit comes up with, he's never able to fool those kids. THEY'RE GENIUSES!

(Buster falls on the floor laughing, and Sparky simply leaves the kitchen)

SPARKY: Well, did you come up with anything good?

BUSTER: Yes, I did. I added to the story of that boy with the deformed face and came up with the rest of the storyline. Here.

(Sparky reads Buster's storyline idea)

SPARKY: This is great. It's creepy, unsettling, spine-tingling.

BUSTER: See? You can count on Buster Newman any day of the week. Now, you want to watch Caillou with me?

SPARKY: Hell no, I hate that stupid show!

(Sparky goes back downstairs)

BUSTER: Hey, I've never seen this one before. "Caillou Gets Cancer...Again."

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Radio Station

Seattle, Washington

(Testicular Sound Express, minus Jaylynn, is about to start their radio show)

SPARKY: Could we start our show with the scary story Buster and I wrote? You know, since Halloween is two days away?

WADE: Why not? We need to get in on the fun too before the Monster Mash.

(Wade realizes RK's staring at him with an "I told you so" look on his face)

WADE: Kid, why the (bleep) are you staring at me like that?

RK: I'm a year older than you! But that's not the point. Feast your eyes on THIS!

(Wade looks at RK's new pictures, which once again appear to have UFOs)

WADE: I don't get it, what am I feasting on?

RK: That!

WADE: What's that?

RK: Are you blind to the facts?

WADE: No, but I've always thought you were blind to sanity.

RK: That's an authentic UFO. On all these pictures. You wanted proof, so I'm giving you proof.

WADE: These are identical to the ones you showed me at lunch yesterday. I'm telling you, it's just a weather balloon.

RK: Oh yeah? I knew you wouldn't be able to face facts, so I took another picture of an object that's not the so-called "weather balloon." And according to my astronomy book, the folks at NASA say that it's very similar to alien spacecraft.

(Wade takes one look at the picture)

WADE: This is a frisbee. Can I take a look at your astronomy book?

RK: Here. Read it and weep.

WADE: RK, this is Astronomy For Dangerous Retards. This junk is full of crackpot theories and brainwashed opinions.

RK: I knew it! I should've bought Astronomy For Average Retards.

(Wade gives RK a bored look)

BUSTER: Ooh, we're on the air!

SPARKY: OK, boys, let's go.

RK: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Adrenaline Overdrive Radio Show!

(whispering) WADE: That's not our group name.

RK: Yeah, but that's explicit.

SPARKY: And with Halloween in two days, we want to remind all the boys and girls here to attend the first-ever Monster Mash.

BUSTER: Come one, come all to the big party. There's going to be apple bobbing for charity, guess how much candy corn is in the jar for a prize, a haunted house, and the piece de resistance...the costume contest.

WADE: Should be a great one. Sparky and Buster would now like to start off the show with a scary story they wrote themselves.

BUSTER: It's called "The Knight From Hell."

SPARKY: Here we go. "There once was a kid named John who never had a happy Halloween. Every year, he dressed up like his favorite supervillains and TV show characters. But nobody knew he was supposed to be. And because of that, he got very little candy."

BUSTER: "He was bullied relentlessly by the popular kids, being called a 'freak' and a 'Satanic loser.' One Halloween, he was egged until the smell seeped into his hands for good. It was rotten and he smelled like a decapitated dog. He couldn't get the smell out of his system for years."

SPARKY: "His parents threw him out of the house one day, and when they did, he landed on his head and broke his neck. You could see John's spine sticking out of his neck like a twisted door handle."

BUSTER: "He was found by a scientist, who replaced his neck with steel and did a brain transplant on him. His brain was now just artificial intelligence."

SPARKY: "The scientist realized that on Halloween, John was like a ticking time bomb. He would destroy the scientist's laboratory once a year until one Halloween, the scientist couldn't take it anymore. He threw John out of his lab and told him never to come back."

BUSTER: "Using scientific intelligence beyond the capabilities of the average person, John created his very own knight costume. This brain power allowed him to make whatever he wanted. John's face had become permanently deformed from years of abuse and rage. That's the main reason he created the knight costume."

SPARKY: "Now 26 years old, John called himself The Knight From Hell. And he was out to kill the bullies who made his Halloweens miserable. He choked them until their skull was forcibly ripped out of their positions. Until their eyes were pulled out of their sockets. You could see numerous stab wounds slowly becoming infested by maggots, eating away the dead bullies' brains."

BUSTER: "In John's mind, if he couldn't get a true Halloween, he made sure no one else would. He was addicted to choking, stabbing, mutilating, castrating. He would make little kids cry then stick a knife straight down their brains until their eyeballs came off."

SPARKY: "He then went after the scientist, who was now 65 years old and afflicted with Lou Gehrig's disease. He wanted his former proxy son to pull the plug, but John instead choked him to death with barbed wire. John then took the scientist's body and burned it with gasoline. The entire lab would never be the same again."

BUSTER: "For 15 more years, The Knight From Hell haunted and tortured his victims. He would appear in their dreams and make them scream. John would then stop them from breathing and blood would crawl down their face...without even touching them. Instead of a knife, The Knight From Hell graduated to a sledgehammer, bashing the skulls of innocent souls. In total, about 160,000 people were killed by John. All because of his tortured childhood."

SPARKY: "John was rumored to have died in a car accident when he was taking one of his victims to a watery grave in the Atlantic Ocean. He swerved the car and he couldn't get out before it plunged into the sea. But every Halloween, his spirit arrives to take out more souls."

BUSTER: "Will your head become part of his collection this year? We'll see."

(extremely long pause)

RK: Boys and girls, we may have just heard the scariest Halloween story of all-time.

WADE: And for anybody panicking out there, we just want to let you know that this is purely fictitious. The Knight From Hell is not real, OK?

(within seconds, kids are panicking and causing a ruckus outside of the station)

BUSTER: I don't think they heard you.

WADE: Well, it's probably just them being a little uncomfortable. It'll pass.

(It appears to get worse, as kids are now screaming and hurting themselves to avoid the knight's wrath)

SPARKY: I don't think it's them being uncomfortable.

RK: Wow. Panic over a Halloween story AND an alien invasion? This is going to be the best Halloween ever!

(Wade angrily stares at RK)

(over loudspeakers) MS. RADWELL: Sparky MacDougal, Buster Newman, report to the principal's office immediately.

BUSTER: Oh, (bleep) my life.

SCENE 5

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Ms. Radwell's Office

Seattle, Washington

The dean, Mr. Borman, is in the office as well.

(long pause)

SPARKY: So...how are you two doing? Mr. Borman, you've been working out?

MS. RADWELL: You two DO realize why we called you in here, right?

BUSTER: You want to commend us on our incredible storytelling and writing skills?

MR. BORMAN: OK, I will admit, that was a pretty good story.

(Sparky and Buster are beaming)

MS. RADWELL: No, your little story has caused a disturbance in less than five minutes.

SPARKY: We didn't mean to do that. The story is fictitious. And those kids should know what's real and what's not.

MS. RADWELL: Be that as it may, there are many kids who truly believe The Knight From Hell is coming to kill them on Halloween.

BUSTER: That's their own fault! Why should we take responsibility for what a bunch of stupid kids think?

MR. BORMAN: 10 kids have already tried killing themselves by jumping off the roof.

BUSTER: Yeah, they TRIED. But did they die? No, they didn't.

SPARKY: Look, Radwell, Borman, with all due respect, we really have nothing to be blamed for. It's the kids' problem if they're taking what someone says literally.

MS. RADWELL: Well, it looks like you guys aren't understanding how serious this is. You're both banned from the Monster Mash.

SPARKY AND BUSTER: WHAT?!

MR. BORMAN: You heard the lady. We don't want to see either of you here on Halloween night.

(The oh-oh-ohhhhhhh-oh from the Big Time Rush theme song plays in the background as Sparky and Buster stare at each other, worried)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

JAYLYNN: Hi everybody. I'm Jaylynn here on Broadway attending the play A Night With Janis Joplin. Because of that, I don't have a major role in tonight's show.

RK: THEY DON'T CARE, JUST READ THE QUESTION!

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: When I get back to Seattle, so help me God I'll...

SPARKY: Jaylynn, I know RK put a little too much attitude on that, but we ARE a half-hour show.

JAYLYNN: OK. Welcome to another edition of RoundTable. The question is: "Is breast cancer awareness becoming a problem?" Buster, why don't we give you the floor first?

BUSTER: Me? Um, OK. Personally, I think breast cancer awareness is becoming a problem. I have no issue with supporting the fight against breast cancer. After all, it IS a serious disease. But it's not the only disease in the world. It seems like the media is glamorizing breast cancer awareness as something cool to support. No, it's not the cool thing and it shouldn't be the cool thing. My great-grandfather died from pancreatic cancer. There was no awareness month for that. The only company that tries to raise awareness for other diseases is MLB. At least they try to promote the fight against prostate cancer.

SPARKY: I don't have much to say because Buster pretty much said it, except for one thing. Cancer as a whole has taken over the media. 20-25 years ago, everybody was talking about AIDS. People still die from it today, but everybody focuses on cancer. Across the board, a lot of diseases are being ignored.

RK: This is why I don't like the media. They're making these diseases look old and unimportant. Breast cancer awareness is becoming a problem. Point blank. Some companies aren't even down for the cause. They're just down for the cash.

WADE: I really don't think it's a problem. Don't blame the media just because they want to shine a light on a serious life-threatening disease. Blame the companies for whoring themselves out for the media to focus on. In fact, blame everyone else for not doing enough to promote other diseases.

RK: So you really think that it's not the media's problem?

WADE: No, and I can prove it using the NBA as an example. There are several large-market teams in the league, right?

RK: Yeah, but what does that have to do with...

WADE: And the Lakers are one of the most recognizable teams in the NBA. Los Angeles is a large market and they have a successful history. When they were having a crappy season last year, what do you think the media focused on?

RK: The Clippers having a good season for once?

WADE: No, they focused on the Lakers and their crappy season. Why? Because of where they play and their history, the Lakers have successfully manipulated the media so that they can get attention whenever they want. Unless the Milwaukee Bucks have the best record in the Eastern Conference, they won't get any media attention. And even then, they still won't have the most. That's what these companies do. They make breast cancer look like the Holocaust of diseases and people will glom on to it. It's called capitalizing on the moment.

RK: So that's why Michael Jackson got his movie in 2009? Because the media capitalized on the moment?

WADE: Yeah. If he hadn't died and the media didn't explode for the next two months over it, there would be no movie. And that's why One Direction got This Is Us. They're one of the hottest acts in the world right now.

RK: Really? So is that why TLC got their movie and Taylor Swift doesn't have hers?

WADE: Hmmmmmm, you do present an interesting theory.

JAYLYNN: We'll be back in two weeks with more RoundTable.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Ms. Radwell's Office

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: Why are we being banned from the Monster Mash? Just because people are overreacting to a scary story?

BUSTER: Yeah, we've been planning for this party for weeks!

MS. RADWELL: I'm sorry but you guys are making this school unsafe for the kids and you don't seem to care.

SPARKY: We DO care. We're the students! We want to be in a safe learning environment too. But this is just not right.

MR. BORMAN: Look, guys, we understand the story wasn't real. But not every kid at this school is as mature as you guys.

(Sparky is angry, while Buster has a straight face)

MR. BORMAN: When I look at you two, and I look at RK, Wade, and Jaylynn, I don't see five fourth-graders. I see five adults. Your brains are very developed for kids your age.

BUSTER: Funny, my psychiatrist said the same thing. Then he started laughing for some odd reason.

(Sparky widens his eyes at that statement)

MS. RADWELL: Look, you two may not have wanted to cause any harm, but that's just how things go. You can't always have it your way.

SPARKY: This is probably how Ad-Rock felt at the 1999 VMAs.

(Sparky is imagining himself as Ad-Rock at the event)

SPARKY: So, yeah, Woodstock a couple weeks ago. The sexual assaults and rapes are no joke. It made me sad because we're not doing enough. Girls and women need to be protected at our shows. I'm going to go leave with Kathleen before you all kill me, good night, everybody.

BUSTER: Cheer up. At least we still have the radio show.

MS. RADWELL: That might not be the best idea.

(long pause)

BUSTER: WHAT?!

MS. RADWELL: We're considering removing you two from your show for a while. This incident has also made us think about toning down what's said on your show.

SPARKY: So now you're going to censor RK, Wade, and Jaylynn too? What are we supposed to do free period?

MS. RADWELL: Well, what did you have before the radio show?

SPARKY: I don't know, just study hall. What did you have, Buster?

(gulping in fear) BUSTER: Urban beautification art. AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

(Buster imagines himself in the class again, painting a glass of pink lemonade)

MS. HAYNES: Nice work, Buster. Except the lemonade is a little too pink. And the lemon garnish isn't necessary.

(Buster looks at his painting, and has an annoyed face)

Back to reality.

BUSTER: The lemon garnish WAS necessary.

(Radwell, Borman, and Sparky look at Buster confused)

SPARKY: What?

BUSTER: Don't put me back in that class, Ms. Radwell! It's more irrelevant than P-Star's career!

MR. BORMAN: Who's P-Star?

BUSTER: I don't know, she had one hit six years ago. On kids radio stations.

SPARKY: Yeah, don't take us off the radio show! And please un-ban us from the Monster Mash! We don't deserve it!

MR. BORMAN: Look, guys, it's Halloween in two days. Stay home, go trick-or-treating, have a Mike & Ike's.

(long pause)

BUSTER: Who eats Mike & Ike's anymore?

SPARKY: We can't go trick-or-treating because almost every kid in town is going to be at some Halloween party. The streets will be empty all night long.

MS. RADWELL: Well, try to think of something. I'm sorry, boys, but sometimes you have to make do with what you have.

(Sparky and Buster angrily stare at each other)

SCENE 7

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

WADE: Why did you call me over here? I was on FaceTime with Amber Montana.

RK: That chick from The Haunted Hathaways?

WADE: Yeah.

RK: Oh, she is FINE. But there are more important things than that. Come with me.

(The two are now upstairs on the balcony of RK's room)

RK: You wanted proof, so I got you proof. LEGITIMATE proof.

WADE: Ryan Kennedy Jennings, for the last (bleep) time, there is no alien...

(Wade sees a UFO on the telescope)

WADE: Invasion coming? That's a UFO? That's a UFO!

RK: See, I told you. And according to you, standard Halloween conventions dictate that an event of this caliber and at this time must happen on Halloween.

WADE: You're right. RK, I've been doubting your skills to prove me wrong for years. But you did it. You found a UFO. The aliens ARE coming! (picks up poster promoting the Monster Mash) We have to act fast. The Monster Mash is in two days. Everyone we know will be there. We have to save them!

RK: About that "aliens are coming" thing, say it again.

WADE: The aliens ARE coming!

RK: Louder!

WADE: THE ALIENS ARE COMING!

RK: LOUDER!

WADE: THE ALIENS ARE COMING!

KG: DAMMIT! BECAUSE OF YOU TWO, I DROPPED THE SOAP! YOU'RE LUCKY THIS ISN'T PRISON!

(long pause)

WADE: Come on, we have to get going!

SCENE 8

Party City

Interior Aisle 7: Halloween Sale!

Seattle, Washington

RK: I don't get it, Wade. We shouldn't be attacking the aliens when they come. We should be greeting them and trying to make friends with them.

WADE: RK, I know you're only nine years old, but you can't be so naive. We don't know what we're dealing with here. These aliens probably have intelligence and technology that's beyond our capabilities.

RK: So why are we here at Party City?

WADE: Because there's only one team you can call for this kind of job: Ghostbusters. Ta-da!

(Wade pulls out two Ghostbusters costumes, complete with positively-charged slime guns)

RK: There is no chance in Hell I'm dressing up as Ghostbusters.

WADE: RK, I'm trying to maximize our chances of success here. By dressing up as Ghostbusters, we have the upper hand against the aliens. Everyone knows that if humans are ready to strike against extraterrestrials, there's no stopping them.

RK: But we're Ghostbusters. They take out GHOSTS, not aliens.

WADE: Then we're the Alienbusters. Now, let me check for helmets.

(to the camera)

RK: One thing you should know about Wade is that nothing will stop him from doing what needs to be done. When faced with a task, he'll risk everything to complete it. Even at the expense of others who think he's stealing their shine.

WADE: RK, stop talking to yourself and get on line! These aliens are going to get a serious fight!

RK: See what I mean?

(The white clerk looks at Wade, disgusted)

WADE: What? Just because I'm black, you don't think I can pay for these costumes? You know, you racist idiots have a lot of nerve doing the things you do. You want to beat me up for my race? Go ahead, it's happened once. This isn't Barneys, and we're not in New York, so don't get any funny ideas, you (bleep) bastard!

(long pause)

CLERK: I was just going to tell you your fly is down.

RK: I was going to tell him the same thing.

(Wade zips up his jeans)

WADE: I don't know why I keep forgetting that. And sorry, sir. Please don't arrest me. Like I said, this isn't Barneys!

(The clerk rolls his eyes)

SCENE 9

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: I can't believe this. We're being punished because of some stupid folie a deux.

BUSTER: Folie a deux? What's that?

SPARKY: Folie a deux is what happens when a stupid or irrational idea is passed around from person to person. It's like an illness for idiots.

BUSTER: This is so stupid. Not only are we banned from the Monster Mash and in danger of being taken off the radio show, but they're going to censor RK, Wade, and Jaylynn? What kind of school do we go to?

SPARKY: The kind of school where kids don't understand what's real and what's not.

BUSTER: Wait, has this kind of thing happened before?

SPARKY: Actually, it has. In 1938, a man named Orson Welles did a radio broadcast of War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells. You know, that book about an alien invasion? (Buster nods) Apparently, his storytelling was so good, it made a lot of people think that there was a real alien invasion happening.

BUSTER: So I guess we're the modern-day Orson Welles.

SPARKY: Yeah. If you split Orson Welles in two.

BUSTER: I want to go to the party!

SPARKY: I know, Buster. But it's out of our hands now. What can we do? Create a costume of The Knight From Hell with Wade's help, sneak into the Monster Mash, win the costume contest, then dramatically reveal it's us at which point we'll make an impassioned social commentary speech?

(Sparky and Buster think, then say "HELL YEAH!" at the same time and high-five)

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

("Enter Sandman" by Metallica playing in the background)

It is now the evening of October 30. Sparky, Buster, and Wade create a costume of The Knight From Hell for the Monster Mash. The helmet and armor are black with red tint instead of silver. The sword is covered with fake blood and there is a skull on the center of the chain mail. At certain points, Buster will get chased/attacked by Wade for goofing off and/or disrupting the project.

BUSTER: Best (bleep) Halloween costume ever.

SCENE 11

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway (Halloween morning)

Seattle, Washington

BUSTER: So, do you think the costume's safe to walk around in?

SPARKY: Definitely. Wade came to my house this morning and gave it a test run. It should work just fine.

ASHLEY: I really hope The Knight From Hell doesn't come to the Monster Mash tonight.

MAKAYLA: I heard he died years ago...but I guess anything's possible...

ASHLEY: Why do you take such long pauses like that?

MAKAYLA: I smoke a lot of weed.

ASHLEY: Like The Knight From Hell! I heard he loved to smoke pot.

MAKAYLA: Oh yeah, he did...

(Sparky overhears the conversation and slams his head in a locker)

BUSTER: You OK, Sparky?

SPARKY: This is exactly why we have to sneak into the party tonight.

SCENE 12

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room (Halloween night)

Seattle, Washington

RK is polishing his gun. He's already in his Ghostbusters gear.

RK: I don't know why Wade feels the need to steal my shine. He didn't beg his parents for the telescope, I did. He didn't spend days on end stargazing and studying astronomy, I did. And he didn't find that UFO, I did. If he attacks the aliens, he'll scare them. And Mars will never invite Earth to their fancy schmancy cocktail parties where they...drink wine with dinner and talk about what expensive colleges their kids are going to.

(KG comes in dressed as Hip Hop Harry)

(imitating Hip Hop Harry) KG: EVERYBODY, DO THE HARRY! I'M HIP HOP HARRY, AND I'M NEXT!

(long pause)

RK: Dude, why the (bleep) do you do this stuff?

KG: It's not my fault. I wanted to be The Undertaker for Halloween but there was a mix-up at the dry cleaners.

RK: So what happened?

KG: I was given the guy's address, I drove there, and I found out he liked the Undertaker costume even more than the Hip Hop Harry one. So I'm stuck with it. Oh yeah, I heard aliens are going to invade Seattle tonight.

RK: You bet your ass they are. But Wade and I are going to exterminate those extraterrestrials.

KG: How is that possible? You guys are Ghostbusters.

RK: I know. But Wade said that it's possible this slime can work on the aliens. And how can you see in that thing?

KG: Years of practice, bro. Also, there's something in here that allows me to see.

RK: Oh.

(Wade opens the door)

WADE: Who's ready to destroy some aliens? Hip Hop Harry!

(Wade kicks KG in the ribs)

KG: OW, DAMMIT! WADE, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

WADE: Shut up, Harry. I never liked you. Round 2 will happen any time you're ready. RK, we have to be on guard at all times. No fun tonight.

RK: But it's the first-ever Monster Mash!

WADE: I know, but it's for the good of the planet. We'll be immortalized for discovering a UFO, uncovering an invasion plot, AND taking out the aliens all at once.

RK: Well, I can't argue with that. Let's go!

WADE: Oh, and for standard Halloween conventions, we have to refer to each other by our costumes. I'm Dan Aykroyd, you're Bill Murray.

RK: I DON'T WANT TO BE BILL (BLEEP) MURRAY!

WADE: Well, do you want to be Ernie Hudson? Because not even Ernie Hudson wants to be Ernie Hudson.

(long pause)

RK: No.

WADE: Good, then you're Bill Murray.

SCENE 13

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Freddie Benson Gymnasium

Seattle, Washington

("Rest In Peace" by Jim Johnston playing over the loudspeakers)

(Sparky and Buster have arrived in their Knight From Hell costume for the Monster Mash)

BUSTER: Hey, why do you get to control the knight?

SPARKY: Because I drive 24/7 and you don't own a car?

BUSTER: Good point. At least I can modify my voice on this thing. (using a Darth Vader-type voice) Behold, mortals! I bring you...Buster Newman!

SPARKY: Buster, stop playing with that thing. We have to blend in and lay low until the costume contest.

BUSTER: Fine, pushy.

ASHLEY: Wow, this is a great costume.

BUSTER: Thank you, little girl. I see it that you're supposed to be a...

ASHLEY: I'm Two-Face. You know, that guy with half a normal face and half a disfigured one?

BUSTER: Yes, that was my first guess but I was afraid I would be wrong. Time for us to get some punch now.

ASHLEY: Us? Isn't there just one of you?

SPARKY: Buster, we have to get to the punch bowl before she blows our cover. When she's not lazy, Ashley can be sharper than vodka with lime.

BUSTER: Must head for the punching area to drink beverage.

ASHLEY: OK? See ya.

SPARKY: Thank God Ashley didn't figure us out.

BUSTER: A toast to that, my friend.

SPARKY: How in the world are you supposed to grab things with this? Hang on, I think I got it.

(Sparky is able to maneuver two cups, but unfortunately spills some on Mr. Borman)

BUSTER: Sorry, sir.

MR. BORMAN: Never seen a costume like that. When you're my age, you find out everything about the world.

LATER ON...

("Calling All The Monsters" by China Anne McClain playing over the loudspeakers)

SPARKY: It's almost time for the costume contest. And according to Wade, standard Halloween conventions dictate that the flashiest costume wins.

BUSTER: I thought it was the scariest.

SPARKY: Well, bonus for us.

WADE: Have you seen anything all night?

RK: Nothing yet. And the party's almost over.

WADE: Don't worry. The night's still young. The aliens are probably invading another area of the city.

RK: Oh man, we're too late. Innocent lives might be at stake and we're missing all the fun.

MS. RADWELL: Boys and girls, gather around the stage. It's time to announce the winners of the costume contest.

BUSTER: We have to win first place. Only they get to make a speech.

SPARKY: And we will. I can feel it in my gut.

MR. BORMAN: For third place, the winner is...Manny Santos for his Frankentist costume.

SPARKY: He took my thing? HE TOOK MY (BLEEP) THING!

BUSTER: Careful, Sparky.

MS. RADWELL: For second place, the winners are...RK Jennings and Wade Saltalamacchia for their Alienbusters costume.

TRAVIS: Wait, but they're Ghostbusters.

WADE: Shut up, Travis.

TRAVIS: OK, that's cool. Treat a brother like that, I got you.

MR. BORMAN: And the first place winner is...The black-and-red knight guy!

SPARKY: We did it! We did it!

BUSTER: Guess I'll accept the award.

SPARKY: No, I want to!

BUSTER: No, I'm going to!

SPARKY: I have to begin the speech!

BUSTER: Why can't I begin the speech?

SPARKY: Because I have something snappy to say!

BUSTER: Let go of it!

SPARKY: No, you let go!

SKULLY: That sounds like them Sparky and Buster fellas.

MALIK: And the sex in there is WICKED.

(Travis confusingly stares at Malik)

MS. RADWELL: Sparky, Buster, get out right now!

MR. BORMAN: Yeah, show's over.

(Sparky removes the front of the costume)

SPARKY: Fine, we'll get out. But not without our speech.

BUSTER: Yeah, we're taking the floor.

TASANYA: What are you two supposed to be?

SPARKY: I'm Cory Matthews from Boy Meets World. And he's Carrie White. The Chloe Grace Moretz version.

TASANYA: He shouldn't do Carrie again.

BUSTER: Yeah, I realized that after adjusting my B-cups.

SPARKY: We snuck into the Monster Mash and made this costume. And why? Because we were banned for our story. Because some kids panicked and thought The Knight From Hell was really coming. Well, it wasn't. It's fiction. Get over it.

MALIK: That story was creepy as (bleep).

BUSTER: Yeah, well, that's what good storytellers do. It seems like everybody is so worked up by Halloween they can't distinguish reality and fiction anymore. Stop taking things so seriously. At the end of the day, it's just a story. Don't cry just because Twilight didn't end the way you wanted it to.

SPARKY: Yeah, guys, this is the 21st century. We all should know that not everything is what it appears to be. Don't kill yourselves over a scary story. It's not 1938 anymore.

BUSTER: And they were going to take us off our radio show!

RK: They were? I had no idea.

WADE: Me neither.

SPARKY: It doesn't matter what we supposedly caused. Everyone is accountable for their own life. Don't silence us because what we do might offend some people. You don't want your kids getting hurt? Then keep them away from the inappropriate stuff and stop blaming the damn source for something you should've prevented from the beginning!

(clapping)

MR. BORMAN: That was a nice speech, boys.

MS. RADWELL: Yeah, there's nothing we can really say except give you guys an apology. We went a little too far punishing you two. Taking the party and the radio show away from you was not right. We're sorry for overreacting and making you think you don't have a voice. Because you do. We love hearing what you and your friends have to say.

MR. BORMAN: In life, you're going to offend people. You just have to learn how to handle it. Sorry boys.

SPARKY: It's alright, guys.

BUSTER: You know, in everything we went through, this WAS the best Halloween ever.

SPARKY: It certainly was, buddy.

Outside the school...

RK: Great. The aliens decided not to show up tonight.

WADE: Maybe we scared 'em away, huh?

RK: Yeah, maybe we did!

KG: RK, here!

WADE: Hip Hop Harry!

KG: I'm not Hip Hop Harry, you numbskulled jackass!

RK: KG, what are you doing here?

KG: To give you this. It's a very important part of the telescope.

(What KG has is a mushroom-shaped piece with a red top)

RK: How do you know?

KG: I tripped on it during my party and looked it up. It turns out that without this thing, you'll get all the wrong readings.

RK: What about the alien invasion?

KG: There never was one. Turns out it was just a weather balloon.

RK: Wait, if you thought beforehand a UFO was coming, why were you so nonchalant about it?

KG: I don't know. Guess I just had a feeling aliens weren't invading after all. See you at home!

(long pause while KG runs back home)

RK: Well, I'll be an uncle's monkey. Looks like there was no alien invasion. Oh well. At least I had fun tonight. How about you?

(long pause)

WADE: You made me spend money on these damn costumes only to find out it was just a weather balloon like I first said?!

RK: Well, are we cool, we good?

WADE: Yeah. After I slime you into next week, you son of a bitch!

(RK starts screaming while Wade chases after him with the slime gun; "Ghostbusters Rap" by Run-DMC can be heard in the background)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Thriller" by Michael Jackson playing in the end credits)

©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

SEE YOU AGAIN ON NOVEMBER 10 WITH TWO NEW BACK-TO-BACK EPISODES