A.N I have been writing so much Asshole-John and Sam-the-Brat in the past few days that I just had to let them have a good moment to make up for it :)

It always struck me as strange that the one person that would know exactly what Sam was going through with Jess never really talked to him about it... I know the title isn't great, but it's forgivable, right? :)

This takes place pretty soon after dead man's Blood. A short exchange between John and Sam. Don't own either of them and am obviously not making any money of them either.

O

...And Being Winchesters...

Being Winchesters, the truce didn't last long.

And when it broke, being Winchesters, it ended up with the door slamming. Just not for good this time.

But it may have been the fearful memory of the night that it was for good, that drove John out to the porch some minutes later, looking for his younger son. He sat down quietly next to Sam, and for a while the two only gazed out over the half empty motel parking lot.

"Dad, I can't be in the back seat on this one." Sam's voice was quiet but determined, not trying to aggrivate but merely stating a fact. "I have to be in on this hunt, really in it. It has to be mine, too. I know this is big, and I know it's dangerous, but I have to. You of all people should be able to understand that."

John's breath caught in the back of his throat, but he tried not to show how the last sentence had struck him. We probably have more in common than just about anybody.

For another long while they just stared out over the cars, gleaming in the afternoon sun.

"I'm so sorry Sammy." The words were spoken quietly and, as Sam glanced over at his father, John's face was immobile, his gaze fixed in front of him. It was almost like he hadn't spoken at all. But then he continued, still not looking at his son. "All I wanted to do was to keep you safe, you and your brother. I should have been able to make the monsters go away like Dads do. I wish I had been able to make it all go away, for you. I'm sorry I couldn't." He hesitated for a second, then added. "I'm sorry I didn't."

John had known for a while. That that thing hadn't come after Sam's girlfriend because he was a hunter. That he was marked, because of what the demon did to him as a baby, not because of what John had made him into later. Somehow, that didn't make any of this any less wrong. Looking at the son that was now so much like himself, John wished he resembled anyone else.

"Dad. Does it ever go away?"

"What?" John was momentarily confused, still thinking about monsters.

"The pain. Missing her every day, feeling like you're gonna die every time you accidentally let yourself think about her." Sam glued his eyes to the ground in front of him. "Can you ever think about mom without it hurting?"

For a while it seemed as if John wouldn't answer, but then, very quietly, he did. "No."

He put his hand on the back of Sam's neck. "But it also feels good to think about her. The look that she got on her face every time she picked you up, or Dean. How she looked standing in the sun outside her office, waiting for me to pick her up. The sound of her voice."

The older man stopped short. He never spoke of Mary to the boys, not about the way he felt for her. But he pushed through the sudden wave of panic that assaulted him, Sam needed to know. "The pain doesn't go away. Not completely. But the love doesn't, either."

John let his hand rest still on his son's neck as he felt small tremors shaking his broad shoulders.

Being a Winchester, he didn't pull his baby boy into a hug or try to wipe his tears away. But he kept his hand resting still and calm as the younger man slowly pulled himself together.

And, being a Winchester, Sam knew the full vale of the gesture.

O