Cold. All she knew was cold. Small white flakes clouded her vision; glistening walls of ice covered everything she once cared about. A perpetual numbness had settled in her limbs until even her bones were so cold she could swear they groaned in protest at her every move. Was her heart still beating? She thought so. But it was no use to her now. The dull thuds in her chest seemed far away to her; the only sound that reached her was a faint humming, blending all voices and sounds into an ongoing white noise that didn't relent even when she slept.
Heart. That which once kept her warm, not only by the pumping of her blood, but by the constantly radiating love she always felt. She used to have so much love in her, so much warmth, enough to share with everyone and still have some left for herself. Now, all she had was the cold. She hardly recognized them anymore, those she had loved. That was a lie. She would always recognize them. Ai, pale and quiet in a corner of the common room, an almost hungry expression on her beautiful face. Sam, walking and talking and very much sober. Will darting past in the corridors, almost always followed by a giggling group of girls.
She thought one or two of them tried to talk to her at times, but she shut herself down when they got near her; made herself so achingly cold that she was sure her tears would freeze on her cheeks if she cried (which she never did). Eventually they must have given up on her like everyone else had, like she'd always known they would. Were they happy without her? They seemed to be. They went on with their lives, smiling and talking and laughing like nothing had ever changed. They didn't need her.
She made herself stop looking for them, eyes glazing over until everything was a white haze. Days passed and nights fell, but it was all the same to her, the only distinction being made by the bright glare of the sun or the russet glow of the fires in the dorms. She tried to warm herself on them, but it was no use. The cold had seeped so deep into her core that she doubted she would ever warm back up, even if she jumped into the fire like she sometimes considered doing. She wondered what would happen to her if she tried – if she would burn up to smoke and ashes, maybe get a chance at a rebirth; or if she would merely melt down to a pool of ice water and quench even that last source of heat. Maybe then, in those final moments when the embers sizzled under her form, she could be warm again, filled with the familiar glow she used to carry within her. The faint flame that now only flickered in her chest whenever she got hold of a memory, however short and faded, burning bright once more.
When she finally stepped into the lake, she didn't even feel the cold. It was no match for the barren wasteland that now resided within her very soul – the icy water felt like mere air brushing past her skin. Deeper and deeper she dove, and the longer she stayed in, the better she started feeling. Something was waking up inside her. And as the water flowed through and around her small pale form, she remembered once more those she had loved – their smiling faces looking down at hers, their arms securely around her, their eyes filled with love, so much love.. She could finally feel again.