Silver Tangled in Brown
Raine Sage sat up alone in the Renegade base, clutching her head in her hands. So much had happened in the last few hours. Kratos had betrayed them, Colette had lost the final shreds of her humanity, and they had been rescued by the most unlikely of saviors—the Renegades. Raine felt like she was drowning in all of these sudden realizations and devastating events. She got the feeling that the Renegades weren't as benevolent as they claimed, Desians or not. In any event, there was little she could do about them until Lloyd recovered a little more.
As for Colette, Raine had prepared herself for this. She had known all along that the golden little girl she had watched grow from a giggling toddler into a strong young woman would not survive this journey. But still, she was not prepared to live with her empty shell as a constant reminder of her sacrifice. And for what? Raine was not certain that they had done the right thing by stopping Kratos from taking Colette. Maybe it would have been better if Yggdrasil had killed us all. Then at least Sylvarant would be saved, Raine thought. The idea left her feeling both painfully guilty and eerily hollow. She ran her fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp as if she could work out all of the negative thoughts with the pressure of her hands. Then, she would be able to sleep soundly for the first time in months.
Instead, her mind turned to Kratos, the man that had both helped them—and the angel that had betrayed them. What bothered her most was not the betrayal, but the fact that she could not hate him. Maybe it was because of what he told her that night, and maybe because of vague feelings she didn't like to admit to having. Instead, all of the ill-feelings were focused in on herself, for lying to Lloyd, for letting Colette go through with the ritual, and for failing to sort through the pieces of Kratos Aurion in time.
He had known too much—about the seals, about the journey, about Summon Spirits, about Exspheres. She had tried one last time in Hima to crack the endlessly complicated puzzle that he presented—and even the revelations that had come from that conversation had spawned even more confusion in Raine's already muddled thoughts.
"Lloyd truly cares for her," Raine said, gazing after the two teenagers as they made the short trek up the mountain path.
"So it seems," Kratos replied, his voice tight.
"I wonder if I should have told him about Colette. It seems too cruel to let him think that this is just like any other night."
"Would he have the strength to let her go if you did?"
"I wonder—would it really be a show of strength to watch the most important person in the world to him die? Or would it require more strength to attempt to break this cycle of sacrifice?"
"Hmph. I do not have an answer for you, though it is something that I have thought of often. What is it that Lloyd told Genis? Only fools believe they know right from wrong."
"He does say some astounding things sometimes."
"Heh," Kratos breathed, his mouth quirking into a smile.
"What is it?"
"Nothing. I…knew someone very much like that once. He is very much like her." Raine knew this was her chance to test her theory—and she may never have another. And yet, she hesitated slightly before she spoke. If she were wrong, there would be no way to take back the statement.
"Do you mean Lloyd's mother?" Raine said, feigning confidence in her supposition.
"What did you say?" Kratos said, his body tensing suddenly. Yes, Raine thought. She had toyed with the idea for some time, and had been almost certain since their battle with Kvar.
"You are Lloyd's father, are you not?" Kratos growled softly, grinding his teeth.
"I suppose there is no use in telling you otherwise?"
"Not really," Raine replied, and Kratos turned away, hiding his face in his hair.
"How long have you known?"
"I've had my suspicions for a long time. Little things at first, like the way Noishe follows you and the tone in your voice when you talk to Lloyd, or the way you stand over him while you are on watch. And well…"
"Well what?" he asked, a surprising hint of amusement coloring his voice.
"The two of you look incredibly alike."
"Do we? Anna used to say that all the time." He closed his eyes then, breathing deeply. For one wild moment, she wanted to reach out and brush back his hair, to tell him that it was alright. She let the moment pass, however, as she had the other moments that had put their faces close and her heart jumping. This was not the time or the place, or most likely the man for such things.
"I didn't really know until the Asgard Ranch. You…"
"I let my emotions get the better of me," Kratos finished.
"It's what makes you human." Raine said simply.
"Still, it should never have happened. I apologize."
"In light of what is happening to Colette, I think we should celebrate whatever shreds of humanity that we can cling to in these dark times, even when it doesn't seem to reflect the best parts of us."
"And yet, you are not human."
"Perhaps I should use more universal terminology, but I can't think of any right now. I suppose if I spent more time with elves I wouldn't use words like humanity so much."
"You are not an elf either," Kratos said flatly. This time it was Raine's turn to sigh and turn away.
"I had a feeling you knew. Thank you for not telling the others."
"It would have served no purpose. And I should thank you for not telling Lloyd about our relationship."
"It is not for me to tell. Though, I am surprised that you have not. When are you planning to do so?"
"I am not."
"Surely you aren't going to make up excuses to keep following him after this is all over. You will have to tell him eventually."
"I doubt I will be seeing much of Lloyd after tomorrow," Kratos said, his voice layered with sadness.
"If you just told him, I'm sure he would want to remain close to you. He looks up to you, you know."
"It's more complicated than that." Raine saw his hands tighten into fists, and he closed his eyes in frustration. It was strange—Raine knew that only a few months ago she would never have been able to see the change in his body language, but in that moment, it was clear as day. "Forgive me. I need some time to think."
"It's no problem. I should at least try to sleep, anyway," Raine said, turning to go.
"Wait," Kratos said, grabbing her hand suddenly. Raine looked up into his eyes as he gripped her hand. "Look after Lloyd for me. Make sure he is safe."
"D-don't worry," Raine stammered, startled by the closeness of Kratos' face to her own. "I always look after my students."
"Good," Kratos replied, but he did not let go of her hand. A chilly wind swept through Raine's hair, tangling the ends of her silver-white locks with Kratos's dark, reddish brown hair as they held their position. "Raine, I want you to know…I wish you the best. And look after yourself, too. Lloyd is lucky to have someone like you as his teacher."
Those were the last words Kratos said to Raine. It was also the last time he looked her in the eye—he had turned away after that, and Raine had left him to his thoughts. It was hard for her to believe that all of this had happened only last night. Now, Kratos was gone, a traitor. She cursed her lack of insight, even though she knew that she could never have imagined something like this. And even though he had lied to them for months, she knew she would keep her word and keep his fatherhood a secret. Lloyd did not need to be burdened with that knowledge.
She wondered if her own confused feelings for Kratos had something to do with her failure to understand their companion. The moments on their journey when felt something for that mysterious mercenary suddenly flashed through her mind. They were moments of closeness, characteristic half-smiles shot in her direction, times when he cocked his head to the side in surprise and admiration, and the look in his eyes as he gripped her hand in Hima. She wondered if she would have let herself fall into his arms all of the times that she had wanted to, would it have been different? Would he have returned to Cruxis? Would she have been able to decipher his actions in time?
No, Raine thought fiercely. She was just being silly now. Of course he would not have betrayed Cruxis for her—if his own son was not enough, certainly a superficial relationship with a woman he just met would not be enough. And any increased romantic feelings would have only clouded her observations, not enhanced them.
Suddenly, she heard Sheena snore loudly from the bed next to hers, and Raine decided it was time to get some sleep of her own. She drifted off to sleep with a tight knot in her stomach and the image of Kratos' hair tangled in her own against the dusty backdrop of Hima frozen in her thoughts.