For a few moments she stood in the hallway, alone, unsure if she should do what she had intended when she stepped up to this particular wall. It was something that already she knew deep down exactly what she was going to find, yet morbid curiosity was winning her over.
Stepping through the wall into his quarters it surprised her to find them empty. She frowned, he had not been anywhere else on the ship, she had been convinced he would be here.
A wave of emotion hit her at that moment, as she realized there was one place she hadn't checked.
Her own quarters.
Passing through his room and stepping into her own she found him, sitting on her chair, staring blankly out into space.
And in that moment her heart broke.
His face was blank, unmoving, but his eyes showed a pain she wasn't sure she would be able to bear herself, if it was her in his shoes.
Instinct made her reach out to touch his shoulder, to comfort him, as she had back on the planet – but it was to no avail. No matter how much she willed herself to be able to interact with people she was nothing more than a ghost.
'Chakotay, I'm right here, please, I'm not dead,' she whispered, feeling tears hitting the back of her eyes. 'I will find my way back to you, I promise.'
She tried to fight them back as she kneeled in front of him on the floor, looking up at his eyes. They were damp, unblinking, his mind somewhere else completely. She wanted to reach out and wipe the moisture from his cheeks but she knew there was no point.
'I'm sorry, Chakotay,' she found herself saying.
'Kathryn,' he whispered.
She froze, her eyes wider. 'Chakotay can you hear me?'
His eyes dropped to the floor. He wasn't speaking to her, he was speaking in memory of her.
'I'm sorry I've failed you, I couldn't protect you,' he whispered. 'And I don't know how to do any of this without you. To be a captain, to bring our people home, to hold them together as a family without you here to be our strength. To be my strength.
He took a deep breath, his gaze shifting back to the stars beyond the window in front of him.
'I don't even know how to get out of bed and stand up without you, let alone do anything more.'
'You can do this, Chakotay, you can,' she whispered. 'I know you can't hear me but you have stood up in the face of death before and you have carried on. That's who you are.'
Suddenly he stood up, surprising her, and she did the same as she watched him walk towards the window.
'I don't know if you can hear me, Kathryn, I don't know what kind of afterlife you believe in, or perhaps it's something I just need to say it for myself, but I need you to know…'
She frozen behind him, watching his reflection as he spoke.
'Don't say it, Chakotay, I'm not dead, I'm right here…'
But she could hear the weakness in her own voice. Maybe she didn't mean that anymore, or maybe she wanted him to say the words.
Perhaps she just knew there was no way for her to actually stop him at this point.
'Tuvok to Commander Chakotay.'
She felt every bit of tension relieve in her body as Chakotay reached for his commbadge.
'Yes Tuvok.'
She watches as he headed for the door, leaving the moment and her chance to finally hear him say the words and she was surprised to feel more disappointed than she did relieved.
The shuttle shook as it took off, her hands tightening around the base of her seat as they did.
She felt fingers lightly brush her hand and looked up to see Chakotay smiling back at her.
'I'm just a little nervous after…'
'I understand,' he said, placing his hand firmly on hers and wrapping his fingers around it, removing her grip from the chair. 'I'm glad you're alive.'
He squeezed her hand as he said it. She felt the tears fighting to come out again and instead forced a smile back at him, squeezing his hand in return.
'Me too,' she whispered.
They sat in silence for a moment and he turned his attention back to Tuvok and the Doctor. Her gaze remained on him. Had it all been in her head? Had everything that had happened been her feelings projected onto him?
As they left the atmosphere she felt him loosen his grip on her hand and instinctively she tightened hers.
Surprised he turned his attention back to her.
'Everything okay, Kathryn?' he asked quietly.
'Just….don't let go.'
And she wasn't sure if she meant her hand or of everything.
He analysed the situation for a moment, letting his gaze drop to their intertwined hands and then back up at her face. Then he smiled, his comforting, natural, gorgeous smile and she could sense that he had understood
'I won't. Not ever,' he whispered, squeezing her hand again.
'Do you think it was all in your head?' he asked, the silence of Lake George surrounding them.
'I was trying to figure that out,' she looked up at the sky. 'Whether he was manipulating my version of you all based on my views or if he could actually see into all of us. There were…moments…I'm not so sure I would have imagined happening. Although perhaps they're just desires buried so deep I haven't even acknowledged them myself.'
She didn't turn to make eye contact with him, she knew better. In fact, she wasn't entirely sure why she was sharing this sentiment with him at all. Surely he was about to ask more questions, delve deeper into exactly what it was she was talking about and then she didn't know how to answer him.
'Perhaps sometimes it takes a near death experience to understand what we truly want,' he said simply.
And she felt his hand brush against hers, a simple pinkie finger placed on top of her own. It could have as easily been an accident as it could have been intentional, yet neither of them made move to separate the miniscule amount of contact.
'I just don't think I'm ready for that yet,' she admitted.
Now she felt his questioning eyes on her and she looked over at him.
'For what?' he asked, quietly.
His voice was deep, filled with some mixture of concern and lust and hope and she hated that she was even letting the line blur to this point.
'Why did you bring me that flower?' she asked.
He seemed to struggle finding the words, then after a few moments he smiled softly. 'I didn't know how to tell you with words what it meant to me that you were alive, handing you a flower seemed like the easier option.'
'Thank you.'
'It was nothing…'
'For keeping me alive, for fighting for me while I figured out what was going on in my head. For, even in my deepest subconscious, being the one person who refused to give up on me…'
'Just promise me one thing?'
To her surprise he reached out and took her hand, clasped it with both of his and held it up so it was closer to his face. To his lips.
'That depends what it is,' she laughed, suddenly nervous.
'Never die in my arms again,' he said, very serious, his grip tightening on her hand. 'I don't think I can handle holding you in my arms and crying, thinking I've lost you all alone in the dark. I….that…I can't Kathryn. If that means that I shouldn't be your First Office then so be it, but I have never been so afraid in my life.'
And suddenly all nervousness, all hint of laughter was gone from her demeanor. She didn't even protest as he lightly kissed her hand before dropping it back between them.
'Oh Chakotay…you know I can't promise that,' she whispered, reaching out and touching his face with her spare hand. 'But I would never want anyone else as my First Officer. You're the finest First Officer anyone could ever ask for, and I don't know what I would do without you. I don't know if I would have made it through if you weren't the one holding me in that moment. You brought me back. And that's why I need you.'
The warning bells seemed to go off in both their minds at the same time and they both dropped their hands, releasing their touch on each other. But not their gazes.
'Good, then we have an understanding. You try not to die and when you've failed me, I'll make sure you come back to life.'
The broad smile that cracked his face as he said it warmed her insides.
'Deal.'