By Kari Raines @ TrekGirl2000@netscape.net
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Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah. No money. No gain. Toys belong to our man George. Please don't sue.
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"In the middle of the journey of our life I came to myself in a dark wood where the straight way was lost. Ah! how hard a thing it is to tell what a wild, and rough, and stubborn wood this was, which in my thought renews the fear!" --Dante's DIVINE COMEDY: "Inferno"
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Sometimes I lie in the darkness--dreaming dreams of the past. The dreams haunt me; shatter my nerves. Because in these dreams, I see what I could have been. I shudder at the image of my own face--cold, blank, with dead eyes that could eat your soul if they stared too long. My face is deathly pale and gaunt, but my mouth forms a bloodless smile.
I try to scream, but it catches in my throat. Oh Sith, this isn't me.
But it is. I see my image smile back at myself--a cold, unfeeling smile that sends chills throughout my body that starts at my scalp and travels down my spine. No, I scream. But I can't scream, can I?
Suddenly, another face appears next to mine. But this face is shadowed by a dark hood. I can only make out the pale skin that is as cold as my own. His gnarled hand closes on my shoulder, and once again, I scream a wordless scream as the cold chills pass through my body in riveting waves. I feel only coldness at his touch.
"Palpatine."
The name--the unspeakable name--fills me with dread as it filters through my consciousness. I have to turn away. Every instinct of my being tells me to flee, but I'm faced with only blackness. Everywhere I turn seems to be an endless void of darkness. And suddenly, I realize that this is the blackness of my soul. It surrounds me; envelops me. I cannot escape it.
"Do not run from it, Mara Jade. It is your destiny."
Abruptly, I sat up in bed, the only sounds in the room those of my heart beating against my chest and my own labored breathing. I glanced around at my surroundings, disoriented and unable to remember my own whereabouts.
No Palpatine. No distorted image of myself.
There was only Luke, my husband, curled up by my side. I can make out his profile via the starlight that filtered through the high windows above. Sensing my unease, Luke abruptly woke up. "Mara?" he asked groggily, reaching for me.
I complied, leaning into his muscled chest as he wrapped his arms protectively around my trembling body. "Just a nightmare," I told him, not wanting to discuss it.
I wasn't fooling this Jedi Master for a second. Damn you, Skywalker. "All right, all right." I sighed, looking up at his worried face. "I had a vision of myself. Of what I might have become if I had never met you. Like HIM."
There. I said it. He should be satisfied now, right?
"Mara," he said, forcing me to look at him, "he's dead. He can never hurt you again."
"I know that," I snapped. Immediately, I regretted it. "Luke, if I had never met you. Or if I had been allowed to go with you on Jabba's barge that day . . ."
"We wouldn't be here now, together," Luke said, wrapping his arms around me more tightly.
"YOU wouldn't be here now. Dammit, Luke. I would have killed you. I wanted to kill you. And if I had, I would be like that monster I saw in my vision."
I could feel him now struggling to find some way to comfort me; to assure me, but he simply didn't know how. Oh, well. Not his fault. I studied his face carefully now, thinking back to the time I had first met him. It had been five years after the Emperor's death. I had wandered around the galaxy aimlessly, my hate the only thing driving me on. And I thrived on that hate--the hate for this man who now held me in his arms.
He spoke now, softly, but clearly. "The only thing I can say to you is that it's over. You didn't succeed in your mission at Jabba's Palace, Palpatine is dead, and we're together. You're a good person, Mara. I know you don't see that, Mara, but you will. Just ask my niece--she adores you."
I laughed lightly then. "Jaina would adore anyone who allowed her to fly their ship."
I could feel Luke's smile--warm and gentle. "True enough." He turned me around to face him, showering kisses on my eyes and lips and cheeks. As always, I giggled hysterically. (ME, giggle!)
And as we finally settled down and drifted off to sleep, no other nightmares or visions came to me. This, I believe, is because I now know that I am safe with Luke. He doesn't care about my past or might-have-beens. He cares only of me and my happiness.
That is why, I realized, that this is the only thing that matters. This is reality.
All other possibilities are irrelevant.