Sunrise over the tango factory: Hey hey guys! I know I've still not finished 'Til it's gone' but I've still not got over my incredibly debilitating bout of writers block. So I decided to write this…hope you like. Feedback adored!
Peace out!
P.s Set sometime around series 4...

The blonde's breathing became increasingly frantic as she tore through the undergrowth, branches scratching her face and arms as she stumbled in semi darkness.

A blood curdling howl filled the air, she stopped dead in her tracks and shivered as the abrupt silence enclosed her like a cage. Her D-cup cleavage heaved with every breath she took.

Then…

A rustling of leavesforced her heart to make a desperate bid for freedom via her throat before silence once again descended on the pitch-black woods. The forebodingly full moon failed to illuminated the horrors that lurked within the dense foliage.

The blonde's eyes darted left before wheeling round to the right. She heard the snapping of twigs behind her and a putrid stench of hot breath filled the air.

Slowly, she turned round…. her blue eyes widened in horror and her perfectly glossed mouth let out a high pitched scream as the mutant blood sucking werewolf inched closer and closer…

A satisfied smile spread across it's moistened lips before it unhinged its jaw, showing rows of razor-sharp teeth.

The blonde brought her manicured hands up to her mouth as the werewolf launched it forwards, jaws snapping and eyes gleaming at the prospect of dinner.

Just at that moment-

"By god, d'you ever stop watching this rubbish?"

Lister rolled his eyes before grabbing a handful of popcorn. "It's a classic," he protested, half choking on his snack.

Rimmer sneered, "Yes…. by your standards," he glanced at the now paused vid screen on which the blonde was a fraction away from being eaten. "All horror movies are stupid anyway" he sniffed.

"Why?" asked Lister, frowning

"Take her for a example" said Rimmer nodding at the screen "They go out looking for a mutant, blood sucking werewolf, and what does she wear…her tightest top, her shortest skirt and her highest heels…has she never heard of appropiate dress?" he paused "and what about that other guy, the one with the wonky goatee. It was his stupid fault she's on her own anyway"

"Rimmer, he died, that weren't his own fault!" objected Lister,

"It was! He said 'don't worry it's dead' and it wasn't. It's common knowledge that you never say things like 'don't worry, it can't get through the door' or 'relax, we'll be safe locked in here' because sods law is it can get through the door and you aren't safe. That smarmy git would have been better saying 'yep, it's alive alright' because then the very opposite would have happened, the creature would turn out to be dead then he and the blonde bimbo could go off and shag each other silly…"

He looked towards Lister hoping for agreement, but all he got was a strange look.

"Any more tips from the 'Rimmer book of how to avoid death in horror movies'? Or is that your lot for the evening?"

Rimmer smirked "Never run when you're being chased!" he said, clicking at Lister.

"What should I do, walk? Saunter? Tap dance perhaps?" said Lister sarcastically.

Rimmer forced a smile "No, hide…that way you can wait till whatever is chasing you has got bored and gone off to gnaw on the remnants of your associates…"

"Nice" shuddered Lister. Sometimes, Rimmer was just too creepy.

"You laugh now, but you'll thank me when you're legging it down some darkened passage way and you spot some convienietly placed dustbins which you can cower behind…"

"Yeah, that's the point Rimmer, there probably won't be a time in my near future when I'm running away from something that wants to kill me!" said Lister.

It was at that point that Kryten's voice echoed down the corridor. "Sirs?"

"In here, Krytes" called Lister,

"Ah, sirs. There's a likely looking derelict nearby, just wondered if you think we should go and have a look…"

"Why wouldn't we?" asked Rimmer, crossing his arms menacingly, he hadn't it whenever the bog bot suggested doing anything. It should be Rimsy giving the orders, but no…. they'd all rather listen to the marigold wearing Mechanoid!

Kryten's face became anxious. "This derlict was not picked up by the scanners, it is a purpose built Government ship that no-one was meant to know about. It's covered in sound deflecting tiles meaning it is virtually indictable to passing spacecraft…"

"Well what could be on there that needs to hidden so badly?" mused Lister.

"An unrealised Cheeky Girls album?" guessed Rimmer "It was shot into the space so no one would have to suffer it!"

"I think it's something far far worse then a collection of songs produced by two Transylvanians who are so scrawny they make a stick insect look obese...I think whatever was in that craft is dangerous…"

"Any life signs?" asked Lister, intrigued by this spacecraft that wasn't supposed to exist.

"I'm not sure," said Kryten, heaving his shoulders up to his ears before letting them drop again.

"Excellent" barked Rimmer "Fan-smegging-bloody-tastic. You're about as clear as park pond at times… and yet, oddly enough; we've got to go with what you say…whether it's right or not! That's dictatorship for you!"

Kryten blinked "actually, sir. I was unable to detect life signs due to ships design. Government craft are often involved in undercover operations, so it must appear as if no-one is onboard to anyone who has the immense luck to come across it…"

Rimmer's face sagged with disappointment "ah" was all that his ashamed vocal chords could manage.

"Well, nothing to stop us taking is look is there?" said Lister, jumping down from his bunk and dusting the bits of popcorn from his shirt.

"Are you sure, sir?" asked Kryten "don't you want finish watching your film first?"

Lister looked towards the vid screen, "nah, not tonight…Rimmer's really put me off horror movies…"

Rimmer mouth open and closed whilst his brain hurriedly searched though the brimming over'Insults' file at the front of hismind (easy access).

"Let's grab the Cat and check it out" said Lister, tugging on his jacket and walking out of his quarters, followed by Kryten.

Just as they'd left, Rimmer's brain raced forward, waving the newly found insult round and round "got it" it wheezed.

Rimmer's eyes blinked as he noticed the lack of insultee. His brain slumped forward dejectedly "I don't know" it sighed "I spend all my time rushing here and there, finding insults, recalling forgotten memoires, remebering all sorts of junk...and what thanks do I get…none…not a sausage. Smeg all that's what I get! Would it be so much trouble to get a 'thank you card' every now and then?"

It was at that point Rimmer managed to shut his brain up, he smoothed down his hair before running after the other two, safe in the knowledge he had the whole length of the corridor to think of a hideously offensive, hurtful insult to get back at Lister…