When they had found him, he had felt their pity burning into him. When they had found him, he was surprised none of them had told him how stupid he had been. Going off on his own, splitting up with JJ. It had been a stupid move and had nearly risked him his life.
When they had found Spencer Reid, the members of the BAU had all been immensely relieved that they had found their youngest member alive. But Spencer Reid did not understand this. His mind was clouded with the effects of dilaudid and the need to use again.
The vials he had taken off the corpse of his abuser, Tobias Hankel, had been in the waistband of his underwear. He couldn't have taken a chance of them being found on his person. It was a smart move, despite how dumb it was indulge in the forced upon habit. An ambulance had been called. No one found the vials.
The plane ride home was horrific for Spencer. He spent most of the air time in the bathroom. He couldn't sleep and he didn't have a syringe for the dilaudid. No one had questioned the choice. They all gave him space, assuming that Reid was just working through what had happened to him.
They had all been rattled by the experience.
When they had landed, Hotch provided Spencer with a ride home. It was during that ride that Aaron told Reid to take as much time as he needed off. Spencer told him that he would. They parted ways. It had all seemed almost dreamlike to Spencer then.
Of course, that had been a five days ago.
Spencer was still processing. The nights had been plagued with horrific nightmares so far, each time ending in Reid shooting up for relief. Everytime he shut his eyes, he saw Tobias there. A man who had killed him only to bring him back to life to kill him again. It was eating Spencer alive.
But the dilaudid helped. It helped push the thoughts of Tobias away, helped to silence Tobias's voice.
Reid pulled the needle out of his arm and trashed it. Sighing with relief, he exited his bathroom and clambered back into his bed. He felt better that day. Only a few hours ago, he had been in Las Vegas, visiting with his mother. It was the first time he had been home since the night he had been rescued.
Spending time with his mother had been nice. He had acquired a few more vials of dilaudid fairly easy there and had had time to think about what he was going to do. Not to mention that his mother enjoyed having his company. Tomorrow he would go back to work. The idea of lazing about his own house terrified Spencer. He had to be busy. Even though the drugs helped, Reid still needed to be busy so that his mind would not catch up with him.
For within Spencer's brain, there was a civil war. A portion of his mind knew what he was. A drug addict. Someone who needed help but was too scared to seek it, therefore they turned to drugs. Another portion of his mind was in complete denial. This portion claimed that Spencer was fine. A little shaken up, but just fine. The drugs helped push the bad thoughts away and once the bad thoughts went away completely he could stop taking dilaudid.
The last portion of his mind was bitter. Bitter towards himself for being so stupid, for allowing himself to become a drug addict. For allowing himself to be caught by an unsub. Bitter towards his teammates for not finding him soon enough. He had died in that little shack. He had died on that floor and if it hadn't been for the very man who had killed him in the first place, his life would still be a whisper in the wind.
This last portion was the one that scared him the most. The one that Spencer did his utmost to hide from. This was where the nightmares came from, the conflicting emotions and thoughts, even at times the voice and sight of Tobias Hankel.
A heavy sigh escaped Spencer. For a moment, he wondered when Tobias Hankel would leave him alone. The man was already dead, yet he lived on, in Reid's own mind. Yes, Spencer would return to work tomorrow. He needed a distraction. With his decision made and his mind dulled, Spencer shut his eyes and fell into a fitful sleep.
The next morning, Reid tried to return to his normal routine. Get up, get dressed, use the restroom. When he was in the bathroom, he shot up. Deciding that he could last the work day without another fix, Spencer stashed one vial into his go bag, just in case. Once that was finished, Reid left his apartment and got onto the subway.
It was a short trip and Spencer was feeling good. He felt normal. It was great. Getting off the train, Reid stopped by a frequented cafe where he ordered a blueberry muffin and a large coffee. Muffin and coffee in hand, Spencer walked the rest of the way to the Quantico building.
The muffin tasted amazing. Perhaps it was just the mood he was in, but nonetheless, the muffin was probably the best muffin he had ever eaten. By the time the elevator doors opened with an electronic ding, Spencer had polished off the muffin and was now working on his coffee. Stepping out of the mechanical box, Reid realized that he was early. He had been following his morning routine to a tee. Walking into the bullpen, beelining for his desk, Reid knew that only Gideon and Hotch would be here. The others wouldn't be in for another half hour.
A slight creeping sensation of dread deflated Reid's good mood for a fraction of a second. Shrugging the feeling off, Spencer sat down at his desk and took off his satchel. He stashed his go bag underneath the desk and began sifting through the files that he had left there. The coffee felt good in him and the prospect of work ahead of him almost excited him. Spencer felt great.
Finishing up the files he had left untouched, Reid decided he'd let Hotchner know of his return. Taking a deep breath, Spencer stood up and walked up to Aaron's office. Peeking in through the window, Reid saw Hotch bent over his desk working through paperwork. It was now or never. Hotch would find out sooner or later, and Reid wanted to get back to work now. He knocked on the door.
Aaron looked up and for a moment his facial expression was one of surprise. But Hotchner was not known for his expressions. As quickly as the surprise came, it was replaced by Aaron's typical stoic mask. He motioned for Reid to enter, which he did of course
"Reid, I didn't expect you back so soon," Hotchner greeted him.
"You did say take as long as I needed, and five days is enough for me," Reid responded.
He sounded genuine due to his mood. In this moment, Spencer even believed himself. That he was over Tobias, over dilaudid, and over what had happened to him.
"Are you sure?" Hotch frowned, "Because no one on the team would think less of you if you wanted to take more time. What you went through-"
Spencer didn't want his day to be ruined.
"What happened to me is in the past," Reid interrupted him, "I went to see my mom for five days and I feel great today. I'm ready to go back to work."
The tension in Aaron's jaw told Reid that he had raised a red flag with his comment. But he wasn't going to apologize to his boss. He wasn't a child and he could look after himself.
"Alright, when JJ gets in, grab some paperwork from her," Hotch said after a moment.
"Thank you," said Reid before exiting Hotchner's office.
Going back to his own desk, Reid didn't notice Gideon staring at him. It wasn't as if Spencer would have gathered anything from the senior profiler's face. Burying himself in the little paperwork he had left unfinished, the half hour before the rest of the team flew by, Spencer barely noticing.
The first to arrive was Emily Prentiss.
"Reid?" she frowned, setting down a to-go coffee mug onto her desk.
"Good morning, Emily," Reid responded with a faltering smile.
Without his team members around, Reid had been able to pretend that nothing new had happened to him. That he was still the same old Reid… the same old Reid. The phrase made his stomach churn, made him itch for another fix despite still riding the euphoric effects of the fix he'd had only an hour or two prior.
But with his friends now streaming into work, Spencer realized that they were going to treat him differently. They were going to want to know how he's doing, if he needed more time off, if he needed any help. They were going to treat him like a child. Well, Spencer Reid was not a child. And he would prove that he wasn't.
"I assumed you'd be off for a little bit longer," Prentiss said as she sat down, "How've you been?"
"Fine," Reid answered, "I went to visit my mom in Las Vegas, which was nice."
"Oh, you're mom lives in Las Vegas?" Prentiss seemed impressed.
"Yes, in fact, I grew up there," Reid informed her.
"Oh, well aren't you a fancy man," Prentiss grinned.
Reid returned her smile. The interaction hadn't gone as bad as he had anticipated. In fact, Reid felt that Prentiss was not treating him differently at all. Maybe things wouldn't be as bad as he had thought they would be.
JJ and Garcia were the next to arrive. Spencer heard their conversation flowing out as the elevator doors parted. He felt relieved when he heard Garcia bid adieu to JJ, promptly making her way back to her queendom. The longer he could prevent Garcia from knowing he was here, the better. She and Morgan worried him the most. They would certainly treat Reid differently now. Wouldn't they?
"Spence? What are you doing back in this place?" JJ cut through his thoughts.
He looked up to see her face etched with concern.
"I just wanted to get back to work," Reid answered, "The American Institute of Stress actually pointed out that 46% of workplace stress was due to the workload one has, so the less time I take off, the less stress I'll eventually have."
The statistic felt clunky in his mouth. As if he himself was wearing a Reid shaped mask. As if Spencer was impersonating himself.
"Ha, well if that's the case, I'm surprised the whole team isn't complaining about stress daily," Prentiss laughed.
It sounded hollow to Reid. His mood was dipping.
"We do have a stressful job," JJ agreed, a smile on her lips, "Well, I'll go to my office and grab the paperwork you've missed. It isn't much, though."
"Thanks, JJ," Reid told her.
"No problem," she beamed before heading to her office.
Reid gulped down the rest of his coffee. He felt Prentiss sneaking looks at him but he decided to ignore it. He wouldn't allow his mood to turn sour.
The last member of the BAU team arrived seven minutes and thirty one seconds after JJ had place a thin stack of folders onto Spencer's desk. Derek Morgan swaggered into the bullpen and stopped short upon seeing Reid at his desk. Reid could feel the look Morgan was giving him.
Suddenly, he was regretting his decision to come back to work. Reid wanted to hide underneath his desk, hide away from Morgan's judgement. It never came, however. Morgan said good morning to him and Prentiss, before sitting down at his desk. He and Prentiss exchanged a few stories about their yesterday evenings.
It almost made Reid uncomfortable. The bitter voice that floated inside of his brain was telling him that he shouldn't have expected anything different. These were the same people who let him die in a rancid smelling shack. Reid shut his eyes, trying to shove the thought away. Deciding that it would be a good time to see Garcia, Spencer stood up and made his way to her room. He knocked on the door.
"Come in!" Penelope called out in near sing-song.
Reid pushed the door open. Penelope turned around and immediately stood up upon seeing who it was.
"Reid? Oh my goodness, you should not be here! Why are you here?" Garcia's voice was sweet and loud.
She rushed over to Reid, frowning at him for a brief moment before a smile took over once more.
"I just was ready to come back to work," Reid answered her question.
This brought back the frown.
"Oh no, Einstein, you went through hell, and I refuse to believe that five days off is enough time to recover from hell," Garcia told him.
"I'm really fine, Garcia," Reid lied.
Penelope gave him a good hard stare before wrapping him up in a hug. Spencer didn't return the favor, he just stood there and allowed himself to be hugged. He found himself almost spilling everything to Penelope right then and there, but he refrained. No one could know.
"Oh, sugar cakes, I'm glad to see you back," Garcia said as she pulled away, "It's been so lonely without you. I mean, talking to Morgan all the time gets so boring, but don't tell him. He may be the spice, but you're definitely the rice to the whole meal."
Spencer had no idea what Garcia meant by that.
"Thanks," he ventured, assuming that it was some sort of compliment.
"So, tell me how you are," Garcia demanded, sitting down in her chair.
"I'm great," lied Spencer again, "I'm feeling a lot better after my absence. I visited my mom, which was a nice change of pace."
"Aw, that's so sweet," Garcia cooed, "I'm sure your mom really liked that. Did you do anything else fun in Las Vegas?"
In a relative way of speaking, yes, Spencer had purchased vials of dilaudid relatively cheap and that had been fun. He had fed his slowly growing drug addiction, which in a sense was fun for him because it lessened the pain.
"Not really," Reid replied, "I just wanted to spend some time with my mom, so that's all I really did and it was enough fun for me."
"Well, at least you had fun visiting your mom. I'm super duper happy to hear that you're doing okay," Garcia gushed, "But know that if you ever need to talk about anything, anything at all, I am like 1000% always ready to talk, so just call me any time, I'm always free except when I'm not."
"Thank you, Garcia, I'll keep that in mind," Reid assured her.
The rest of the morning went by smoothly. It was one of those dog days, when there wasn't any case invitations so the team just caught up on paperwork and the like. Reid had a little more to do than Prentiss or Morgan due to his five day absence but he really didn't mind.
Then the afternoon crawled by. Paperwork kept him busy. Despite this, he could feel the craving deep in the pit of his stomach. Calling to him. But he couldn't let Tobias or the drugs take work away from him. They were already trying to take his mind. The afternoon rolled into the evening and soon it was time to go home.
The day had been a good one. Spencer gathered his things, ready to go home and take a shower. In the back of his mind, he was also ready to sleep because that meant another fix.
"Hey, Reid, Prentiss, Garcia, and I are going to try out that new Mexican place down the street for dinner, wanna come?" Morgan offered as he too gathered up his things.
"It's supposed to be really good," added Prentiss.
"No, I have some reading I'd like to finish tonight," Reid lied.
"Oh," Morgan looked almost dejected, "Well, that's okay. Maybe the next time we have a lunch break, we can go."
The phrasing puzzled Spencer for half a second.
"Sure," Reid nodded.
He decided to take the stairs. Hearing Prentiss and Morgan talk while they waited for Garcia to join them made Spencer feel left out. It was a ridiculous notion of course, they had invited him along and he had turned them down. But part of Reid did feel left out, and not because of the restaurant.
Being the genius that he was, he had never really had the chance to fit in. At school, he had been too young and too smart to make friends with the kids. At home, he had been more or less the adult. And now at work. Things were different at work. Gideon had seen to that.
Gideon had made time for Reid, had provided him with the father figure he never had. It was thanks to Gideon that people took Spencer seriously in his field and even within the team. Reid had never said that he loved Gideon, even to himself, but his emotions were that of love and respect. Jason was the father Reid had never had, after all.
For a moment, the thoughts of Gideon were pleasant ones, as usual, just like normal. But then the memory of Gideon's voice on that video message came to him. Telling him that he could survive what had happened to him. Then the memory of pain, of fear, of death. Of the blissful moments when Tobias shot him up with dilaudid. The sickening feeling of knowing he had chosen someone to die, in a roundabout way.
"Pick one who lives," Tobias had said. Reid had picked.
It was too much. Reid sat down onto the concrete floor of the stairwell. He was two flights away from being out of the building. The memory of digging his own grave. Panic rose like pile in his throat. He hadn't known if Hotch had figured out his message. He hadn't known that they were coming to save him. All he had known was the imminent threat of a second death.
"Please," he said aloud, "I just want it to be over with."
"It helps," Tobias's disembodied voice whispered into Spencer's ear.
Yes, it did help. But not here. Reid stood up and made his way down the last two flights. He exited the building and headed for the subway. It was not crowded but it was not empty. Spencer stood the whole ride. Exit the train. Exit the station. Walk the few blocks between the station to his apartment complex.
He was home.
Shutting the door behind him, Spencer leaned back against the wood and rummaged through his go bag until he found the vial he had packed that morning. Then he found the syringe. With what he needed in hand, he discarded the bag to the floor.
It felt better, once he had slipped the needle into his vein and had pressed down onto the plunger. The memories faded and he took deep breathes. Sliding to the floor, Reid just breathed. In and out. For a while. It felt better when he was high.