WHAT HURTS THE MOST
We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call, no way out.
—Tennessee Williams
PROLOGUE
With a feeling of electric shock ran down her spine, Alex Cabot snapped eyes open in her dark office. The shrill ringing coming from the ugly telephone, scared the hell out of her.
Jesus Holy Christ…
The luminous hands of her watch showed 3:25, though it even took her a couple seconds to figure out it was day or night.
Right, great, midnight call.
Sleeping at home always brought her nightmares filled with all kinds of horrible ways of her girlfriend being hurt and murdered, and tonight curling up in the small couch of her office, praying for some precious rest, she got this.
Exhaustion suddenly crawled up her body. Over a week, well, literally, it had been 11 days, since the last time she slept through a whole night.
Since, that night…
At the amazing night, she had her very first lesbian sex of her life. Well, honestly, there truly was some tiny cute awkwardness and nervousness between them, some silly drunk talking… but the unbelievable sympathy waving in the deepest ocean of their souls, had already been branded on her heart, which now only felt too bittersweet to recall. Though, they never got a chance to really talk about it. There never was a good time. She had to jump off the bed before sunrise, catching the early flight to L.A., and she got a perp named William Lewis to interrogate in the morning. The last thing she told her girlfriend before left her apartment, was just I'm gonna save it for seducing you, after the brunette, naked, half awake, sexy messy hair, asking for a goodbye kiss from the bed, the place they just explored each other's mysterious body in.
God…Why couldn't you just get your ass over and kiss her, telling her how much you love her, like a normal lover supposed to do?
No matter how hard she beat herself up with this, the anger and guilt chewing on her heart never lessened.
Only God knew how much Alex Cabot longed to know the brunette's feelings, about their love making, about her, about their future… But now she didn't even know if she was alive.
If she never worked in the force before, never knew the police work, the cops on this case would have told her in the first place that people who went missing for over 72 hours without any trace, would very likely turn out dead.
Hope could be such a bitch, she gradually learned. Some part of her fragile heart, kinda cruelly expected that one day she would get a phone call, told to identify body in the morgue.
Well, the cruelness, was also a relief, somehow.
Mentally and physically, the endless waiting was stabbing her a little bit deeper each day. And worse, when people talked about move-on, she was only thinking if there was a chance she could love someone else again, even she survived this hell.
Once a fish saw a real ocean, it would never lay eyes on the aquarium anymore. And the woman called Olivia Benson was the veritable ocean to her, or perhaps, the entire world was just an illusion only existed when the brunette being around with her. What was why this city felt so deserted and meaningless without her.
Rubbing her sore eyes, Alex heard her new professional voice. "Ferrari Trading. What can I do for you?"
"Alex?"
The voice got her wide awake right away. "…Cragen?"
Heart froze in her chest.
God... no…
With her breath holding, Cragen's words suddenly felt difficult to comprehend. All she heard was : "We got her… alive… hurry… hospital… might not gonna make it…"
She gripped tighter on the phone, as if preventing her softened knees from giving away.
"…Alex? Hello?"
Her voice came out oddly shakily. "Yeah. And... Elliot?"
"He… Mmmm…He…"
CHAPTER 1
AWAKE & AFRAID
- ( Three Days Later ) -
Alex shut her eyes in the bright morning sun-rays, while her hand stopped before the curtains fully closed, despite every cell of her being was literally dying for some alive light, despite there was barely heat in it.
She hated how much this ICU room smelt like death.
There was no sound, no movement, other than the heart-monitor beeping, the breathing machine rising and falling… And the rhythm they made, was really... hypnotic, which did nothing but setting free all her old, new, good and bad memories from every corner of her aching heart. And some of them kept replaying and replaying, until her mind automatically filled all the memory-blanks in every vivid way.
…
"…She was brutally hitting his head with the balled-up iron chain, while the guy was cuffed to the bed. And Stabler had stopped breathing for a while."
"She said anything?"
"Said? She did not even felt like human when we found her. She was just screaming, and smashing the vic's head…"
"Excuse me. You call the beast 'vic'? She is the victim here!"
"Man, I said smash, because that guy's head was… literally a squashed watermelon. You know what I'm saying? And she did that under the witness of the entire rescue team."
"You mean you guys were just watching?!"
"We were running down the spiral staircase! We even fired warning shots. But she wasn't there. That was a killing machine, or some wild, cruel lioness attacking a pile of meat! She just didn't hear, or didn't care… despite being naked, covered in blood, injuries… whatever… She was using her last bit of life to strike… she just didn't give a damn… Jesus…It was the most unbelievable, freaking crazy shit I've ever seen in my life!"
"She… did she resist when you subdued her?"
"She collapsed just before we got her."
"So… how does the evidence seem like, to the IAB, I mean. Any chance to try the insanity defense? Self-defense?"
"Look, Alex, I already said too much. We're even now. Sorry…"
"Ty! Please. She's one of you, a good cop! You know how things look like doesn't mean the truth. Please…"
"I don't know anything. All I know, is her vaginal epithelial cells also found on her dead partner's penis; her prints were all over the weapons; her teeth matched the bite wound on Lewis's carotid; and she smashed a man's face in front of the whole world…,"
"Her… what?!"
"I need to go. We never met, and you owe me now, Alex. Take care. I'm sorry."
…
That was the conversation between her and an old friend who worked on Olivia's case. No matter how many times she tried to process everything, it still felt impossible to believe. She wondered, and was too scared to wonder what on earth the beast had done to the brunette in those 11 fucking days. What kind of ordeal had she been through could make her do things like that?
"Hey, blondie."
Nurse Natalie Hill's calling brought her back to the present.
"Visiting time is 3 p.m. You know that." In the bright light, her pale green eyes with those unusual tiny pupils, felt even creepier.
Tucking a strand hair behind her ear, Alex nodded. "I'm leaving. How's she doing? Any change?"
"You only left for, like, 6 hours, lady. And my shift just started five minutes ago. ... as her record said, no change."
"But Doctor Reed said he is reducing the painkiller dosage to wake her up."
"Give her some time, would ya? C'mon. Time to go, please."
Taking another look at her girlfriend lying in the hospital bed, whose face still shockingly bruised and pale, Alex gently touched one of her fingers, and bent down to her ear side. "Hey, you know what? Nurse Zombie Eyes just caught me, again. Yeah, she's really a pain in my ass now… I know… You have another dream and I'll be back... But if you feel like slept enough, please wake up to me, ok? I missed you… Bye, sweetheart."
"Come on." Zombie-Eyes tapped her foot on the floor impatiently.
"One last question. How's the injury on her back doing? She always lies on her back. So…"
"She can only lie on her back. Told you before. Broken collarbones and ribs, are more tricky."
"I mean, it could increase the risk of infections, right?"
"We are making every effort to prevent that. Though, to be honest, that is most likely to happen. That's why she's on high-dose antibiotics. Now, please leave. You're getting me into trouble."
"Ok, ok." Grabbing her purse, Alex walked to the door.
"What?" Zombie-Eyes' foot stopped tapping, as Alex suddenly froze in the middle of the room.
Mmmm…
With another barely audible moan coming from the bed, Alex turned around.
"Olivia?"
Her heart nearly stopped as she came to the bedside, meeting those beloved brown eyes. "Hey, Liv… Olivia. It's me. It's Alex. You heard me, didn't you?"
Those colorless lips cracked open, but no sound came out.
Zombie-Eyes ordered. "Call Doctor Reed." Rushing to the bedside. "Olivia, do not try to speak. You have a breath tube in your throat, ok? You're in the hospital."
The brunette looked confused.
"No, don't move." Zombie-Eyes stopped her patient's attempt. "You just woke up from 3 days' coma. You understand me? If you do, give me a blink."
It took her a moment, before her eyes blinked slowly.
Meeting the young nurse's smile, Alex suddenly felt those dead eyes weren't that annoying actually.
"Good. Now I'm gonna check on your lungs. If things go well, your doctor will take the tube out, so you can talk. Isn't that good? Well, my stethoscope might be a little cold, sorry for that. You ready?"
She got sleepy already.
Not sure it was a blink yes or her patient was just falling back into sleep, Zombie-Eyes gently pulled down the cover, exposing most of her upper body. "I need to loose your clothes a little bit, and get my hand underneath for a second, ok?"
As all the burn marks on her side neck exposed, followed by those dark, striking fingermarks, followed by heavy bandages and a clavicle-brace wrapping around both her shoulders and armpits… Alex felt her scalp got numb.
God...
That was when she found she had come to the doorway, standing with her back to the room. She could hear clearly every word the doc said to Olivia, as well as his every step of examination… though, she just couldn't take the images anymore.
She felt sick, sick and beyond angry.
Although none of these injuries was new to her: Open collarbones fractures, four ribs broken, vagina and anal tears, ripped nails, bruises, burnt, cuts… but seeing them with her own eyes was literally a whole new heart stabbing.
Suddenly she hoped that the beast hadn't died too quickly. Even she wished he hadn't died, so she could end him with her very bare hands.
"Miss Cabot? I think she's asking for you."
"Yes." Her choking tone surprised her, as she sniffed and wiped on the eyes.
"Hey, sleepy head." Alex came to the bedside. They had taken out the breath tube out, and put a nasal cannula in her nose. "How are you feeling?"
Olivia lifted her eyelids slowly. Her pupils shrank in the light. "A- Alex?" Her voice was so hoarse.
"Yes, yes, I'm right here. God, I miss your eyes so much... Welcome back, sweetheart. How are you feeling?" She smiled in tears, thumb caressing on her girl friend's palm so gently as if it was her treasure.
"What time.. is it?"
"It's...morning. You just had the longest sleep in your life. You know that?"
"I… sick?"
Alex's heart tightened. "No, honey, you're injured." And she watched those brown eyes closed.
Doctor Reed gently patted on Alex's arm. "It's normal. Her nerves need time to be fully functional. Don't worry. C'mon, let's get out. Looks like she could use some rest. And we'll run some tests later today."
"Ok. Can I have a word with you?"
"Sure."
Just as Alex raising up, she felt a slight squeeze on her hand. She squeezed back gently. "Sorry, Liv. I have to go now, but I'll be back in hours. Ok?"
The brunette reopened her eyes. "Please, could you turn on some light?"
"What?"
Looking back and forth between the sunny window and Olivia's face, Alex felt her blood froze.
(TBC)
How do you feel about this story? Yes, Olivia was blind. But it is just beginning. What the hell happened between EOA and the beast?
You guys want to Elliot to die or not?
Oh, and the aftermath... I'm afraid that Olivia will be in big trouble... like... prison?
Plz R & R!