иαмe: Not Seen
αuтнoя: Sofie MB
мαиgαkα/αиiмe owиeя:Not me.
ωαяиiиgs: Slight AU, I am using the movie's ending, instead of Raito killing L, first goes Raito and then L Change The World comes into play (:.
яαтe: M for later chapters, language, homosexual interaction, etc.
ωoяds iи cнαpтeя: 2,740 words
Not Seen
Chapter 1
My dark eyes were fixated on the dark brown wooden vessel that was to hold the love of my life for at least a few days until the incineration came. I knew that was the way he wanted it, he had told me, he wanted me to take his ashes the day he died and set them free, a small amount back at Whammy's -in the garden and in his room he said- some more here in Japan, and he wanted the rest of it to be kept in a box, a box we had made together, he wanted that box to be taken on a plain, and from that plain, he wanted those ashes to be thrown. Where? I had asked, "I don't care. Your favorite place would be suitable, perhaps." He had answered.
I wasn't sure of how I would go on without him, and I still am not. Whenever I closed my eyes I saw him, I saw those big rounded dark brown eyes staring back at me. Sometimes they were affectionate, some others they seemed sad, happy, or even seemed to swiftly undress me.
My eyes were still looking down. I didn't walk up to him; I don't think it would have been right, at least not in that moment. Not for me. I just sat there; I remembered being there for Raito-kun's funeral. How did I detest him, none of this would've happened if it wasn't for him.
'If only he were here, he would tell me to not get my emotions on the way.' I let a tear slip right through my shell, a shell I had built in this last few days. I never tried hiding my feelings until he came. I would've been crying ever since I heard about his death if it had been someone else, maybe if it had been Yagami-shishio I would have most likely cried a river, but not with L. He had been too important for me, so important that I couldn't cry, I would feel guilty afterwards, knowing it was the last thing he wanted me to do.
"Don't cry…"
"It bothers me."
I could hear his voice over and over repeating how much it had bothered him whenever I let a tear fall, but I couldn't help it. "If you feel like you really can't hold it, then cry. It isn't healthy to lock all of your feelings." I gave a sad chuckle, "Look who's talking." I remembered throwing back at him.
I looked up and saw the dark coffin once again, almost welcoming, almost as if it was calling me, screaming my name, pleading for me to go. And so I did; I stood up on my wobbly legs and walked up to the front of the room.
My heart's beating grew faster with each step I gave, by the time there was once step left to get there I could barely breathe. I took a deep breathe, and kept walking.
I stared marveled. He was so beautiful. His skin seemed paler than usual; he truly looked almost like an angel in those white robes he wore. He had told me that he wanted to die with the clothes he wore everyday, "It won't feel right if I'm dressed differently. It wouldn't be me." I couldn't agree more.
I smiled as I remembered those days when I had forced him to wear something else, he had looked weird at first, we both though so, but he looked so beautiful, at least to me.
I sank on my knees, drowning in a bittersweet sea of tears, forgetting everything around me but him, feeling the weight of sadness on my shoulders, pushing me down on the floor, restraining me from moving, not allowing me to breathe through the rain of tears.
I felt a strong hand press itself on my shoulder and I couldn't help but to jump in surprise. Can't they tell I want -need- to be alone? I can't face them yet, explanations are the first part of it all I'm sure. It's not right, not just yet. Give me time to think, and maybe one day we'll be able to speak.
"Matsuda…" My grip on the border of the coffin only grew stronger; I could even feel my fingers starting to hurt. I was kneeling in front of the dark brown vassal that held perfectly onto my man, yes, my man.
"Go away…" I muttered, pleaded. My heart was twisting, doing yoga, breaking, disappearing, I needed him, I just needed him. "Please just go away." I heard a sigh from behind me and felt strong hands once again on my body, but they didn't stop on my shoulder, they continued further down and grabbed me tightly, pulling me, taking me away from the last scene I had to remember him.
I didn't have enough strength to fight him, at least not at the moment. I was pleased with at least being able to yell. "Let me go… I need to be with him…" I sobbed as I was harshly thrown into the black car that brought me so many memories back, so many of them.
I gave up, something I never did, something I had learnt to not do over the time, something I knew never brought anything good, but somehow I also knew it was the best thing I had done in that dark day, that gray day, full of tears and memories.
"What's gotten into you?"
I didn't look at him, it was almost humiliating. I curled up against the car's door, my forehead pressed against the frozen glass. I didn't open my eyes when my boss pulled me towards him, screaming at me, demanding an explanation. "I quit."
He stopped, trying to take in my cold words. I didn't bother to pronounce them clearly, it was barely a whisper, but I knew it was enough for him. "W- What?" What? He had heard me, didn't he? "Why?" He breathed. It somehow didn't sound like he was asking, I was sure he knew the answer. Why? More like why is it that you are asking me?
"You don't need a reason."
He pushed me against the door, angry, confused, and not exactly pleased. I looked up. He wasn't looking at me, he either had his eyes closed or was looking down with his eyes barely open. Either way, he wasn't looking at me, and that was good. "Yes I do, as your bo-"
He stopped, maybe he realized his mistake before I did, hell, I didn't even realized he stopped talking for a few seconds only to start again, with startling words. "I am your friend."
I looked up again, he was looking at me. "I am your friend, we are your friends, and we need to know what it is that has gotten into you. I really don't understand. Why did you break like that?" He stopped for a few seconds, giving me time to think I guess. "What ever may be happening inside of that head of yours is certainly not something that you need to tell me, but we need to know, what's wrong with you?"
I smiled, and it was a rather bitter smile. "No, I am not alright. The love of my life just died. What do you expect me to do? Jump around laughing?"
By the time he was done processing what I had just said, I was long gone, walking down a wet path that lead to my apartment, a path that lead to the beginning of my death.
--
--
--
--
Almost a year earlier.
I stared at the bright sun shining above me; it was a bright rainy day. I really loved those days, I've always have. I gave a bitter smile as I realized that the weather seemed to match my mood and felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket and a familiar tune fill the air. "Moshi moshi?"
"Ah! Aizawa-san!" I made a harsh halt on my walking and began running back to the HQ as I was yelled through the phone; once again I had lost the track of time. I can't understand why it is that it still happens to me.
I opened the door and smiled inwardly, once again bitterness filling my inside; I knew what was coming next. I felt stares on me, everyone's eyes fixated on my body. I bit my lip and sat down at my side of the 'table'. I opened my notebook and tried to ignore the stares that were still on me. As I took some notes I heard a heavy sigh and heard people starting to move, most likely going back to work.
I kept writing down random things I thought about, forgetting about the actual paperwork that just kept pilling itself more and more. There were so many things I felt like I needed to think about, but I didn't want to think about them back at home, I just wouldn't work.
Whenever I have a problem, especially of this kind, I tend to think about everything I need to think about when I'm outside. When I'm at home, my world seems to darken, I don't know what's up with my apartment, but it really makes me sad when I'm around there. I would get a new place if I could, but it seems impossible with the amount of money I get per month.
I sighed. I leaned back on my chair, stretching my back. Even though hours had passed, I could still feel a pair of eyes on me, but I chose to ignore them. I don't think I ever went through depression, aside from that one time of course. Not even in my teenager years.
A hand abruptly snatched my notebook away from me and started going through it, I ignored the yelling that my good friend Aizawa-san threw at me. "Sorry." He stopped, he looked at me indignantly, "Sorry? You say you're sorry?! In three days you've done nothing but to take stupid notes about nothing! This is a real case! A murderer is still out there taking the lives of innocent people just because you are here pitying yourself about I don't know what the fuck and taking this damn notes! If you're not going to be doing anything then just get the fuck out of here!"
I don't know why, but even though his words stung, I didn't mind it, I truly didn't. "Whatever."
I stood up taking my notebook with me along with some of the paperwork I had been 'working' on and sat down on a couch, as far as I could sit from Aizawa-san as I could. Right now I am not sure of what I was thinking, but I am aware that in that time I was feeling numb, apathetic, like I was truly there for nothing. I remember feeling his words sting against my heart and my brain, but somehow that one time they didn't sink in, they stayed lingering, merely trying to go in.
"You little-!" Anger was obvious in his voice. The voice that stopped him was like a feather breaking through a piece of glass. It seemed to penetrate the air, break through it and be embraced by my ears, never wanting to let go of such soft voice.
"Aizawa-san," were the words the voice sternly pronounced. He looked at me and then back at the prying people around the room. "It's late, I'm sure we can all see there is something intriguing Matsuda-san's mind, I'm sure he didn't mean it like that. I think it's enough for tonight, please feel free to retire for the night and go home to have some rest." As Ryuusaki said that everyone seemed to get the fact that he wanted everyone to leave and gathered as much as they thought they needed after they left, muttering their 'good night's none of them for me.
Raito-kun seemed to have realized even before he finished his speech and was out the moment he finished.
As the room was emptied I nervously gathered my stuff and placed it back on my seat. Before I could do much I heard something on my side and turned around only to fall on my back. Black eyes were staring at me, right in front of me. Naturally my first reaction was to jump, hence why I fell down.
"Matsuda-san. I apologize but I have been observing you lately and I have noticed a change in the pattern." I looked up at him confused, pattern? What did he mean by that? Almost as if he had seen right through me he continued, "You see, when you arrive you always smile and then prepare coffee, always offering me some, naturally I got curious when you, instead of doing that, didn't even seem to think about coffee, then again, as it is to be guessed, it is normal for someone who has coffee every morning to not want some one morning, so I let it slip."
He had been leaning on me, but as he stopped talking he stood little straighter and walked back to his chair, pouring himself some coffee and throwing some more dozens of sugar cubes in it. "After that you normally get to work and often stop to see if you can help anyone in anything; most of the time they don't. But then again, since a few days ago, I've noticed that you barely do any of your work and when someone tells you they do not need any of you aid, you bit our lip in something that is, if I am not mistaken, frustration or perhaps exasperation."
I just stared at him. "Not only that, but also the color of your eyes gave changed."
"huh?" I interrupted, he was about to take a sip of his sugar with coffee but stopped when he heard the sound emitted from me. He looked at me and placed his cup down, "When I first met you, you seemed quiet exited when a squirrel decided to cross your mind. But now, you don't seem to even care when someone screams at you, even though you usually looked sad when that happened."
"Why do you care?" I couldn't believe I had pronounced those words, I never defended myself, and it wasn't something I would deny, I never did so, I only gave my opinion when I was asked to or when I felt like I should do so.
"I find no reason to not be honest with you, so I shall try to express myself as honestly as I can," He stood up and walked up to me. I looked at him; I haven't realized that we were pretty much the same height. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me on the couch –what a strength this thin boy had! – His eyes were fixated on mine, and I could feel they wouldn't let go for a while.
"You are interesting." His eyes were wider than usual, a crooked smile plastered on his face. "I never had to deal with a man of your age that is happy all the time, works hard and smiles as often as his muscles allow him to. Not until you arrived that is. Then again, what makes you even more interesting is the fact that, from being like that, you suddenly took a swift change to being apathetic and depressed."
I was left without words; I certainly was not expecting that, he was certainly a blunt person.
"I am looking forward to help you go back to that loud self of yours." His smile seemed to have widened as he walked back to his chair. "If you desire to speak with me, you know where to find me."
"Goodbye now."
I saw him leave through the door after he turned off the lights, leaving the computers on.
I smiled, so he had truly seen right through me. He seemed to have been the only one to say something about it. I'm sure others thought that it was only me being childish or something.
"Bye…" I muttered, barely something above a whisper. That night, I dreamt about those big brown eyes that would be haunting me for over a year, that night I was seen by none other than L, that night I actually met the love of my life.
I am sorry to those few stalker/readers I have. I know I should be updating either Larger Than Life Itself or d o n ' t s p e a k, but this truly has captivated me. I noticed the lack of MatsuL fanfiction. Oh yeah, as you may see not only am I fucked up but also my fanfiction is (:. The other day I was getting, 'exited', to use a pretty word, by thinking about RaitoL and then LRaito but I got bored and began thinking about another possible pairing for L. I tried with Raito's father but it didn't really work, I didn't want a heterosexual pairing so I literally scratched Misa –hence my maniac laugh- so I thought about Matsuda. So here it is(: It will have a rather sad ending, because you could say that it ends in the beginning. Damn, I'm sure you guys do get that :S well I have a lot of homework and I would really finish it before something bad happens to me.
Soffieeh MB