Every fear I swallow makes me small. I'm afraid I can't be devil and I'm scared to be divine.
This quote from Tarja's Song "Darkness" as inspired me to write this oneshot, featuring a very manipulative Voldemort and a broken Bellatrix. Enjoy!
"Please, please!" she whispered desperately at the cauldron standing in front of her. The purple liquid was bubbling languidly in its container and showed no sign of turning into the bright red it was supposed to become. It was her second failed attempt to brew the potion her master had designed and ordered her to produce. Tears were threatening to spill over onto her cheeks. Her master was going to be raging mad, she thought, he was going to punish her badly, this time. "Please, just work!" she whispered at the cauldron, staring into the potion and trying to change its color by will. Why did it not work? What had she done wrong this time? Why did she fail him again? She started shaking as she remembered her last punishment. And this time was going to be so much worse…
Of course it had to be her fault. It was impossible that her master had been mistaken in his design of this potion. He never erred. She went over the steps again and again in her head, but she could not remember if she had forgotten an ingredient, or miscounted the rounds she had to stir. However it did not matter if she knew her mistake or not. He would be equally furious both ways; for him, success was all that mattered.
She waited one whole day before visiting her master in order to confess her failure. To wait any longer she did not dare.
She walked through the undergrowth towards the small house deep in the woods. Her heart beat to her throat as she knocked at the door. The man she was so afraid of opened the door himself and smiled coldly at her.
She tried to swallow her fear and faced him, returning his smile with trembling lips.
"Good evening master", she said. He nodded an answer. She hesitated, waiting for his instructions. She did not dare one move without his approval.
The night surrounding them was eerily still and quiet. Everything seemed to wait on him, to expect his orders and to cower at his feet. He could feel her fear; he could taste it on his tongue. Slowly, savoring the taste, he licked his lips. "I have been expecting you. I hope you bring better news this time?!"
His menacing voice sent cold tremors down her back and she forced herself to raise her head as she said: "I beg your forgiveness, master. I could not fulfill the task, the potion is not ready." As soon as the words had left her lips she prepared herself for the onslaught. However, the expected pain did not hit her immediately. Instead her master asked: "Why did you fail, Bellatrix?"
"I don't know my Lord," she whispered, still almost cowering before him. "I must have made a mistake…"
"Yes you must have… Now I have to ask myself if you are even able to handle the tasks I give you. Maybe you are just not good enough for my service…"
"No, master, please-"
"Silence!" he growled, looking down at the woman kneeling at his feet, snarling at her in contempt. "You wanted to serve me, yet you cower before me in fear whenever we meet. Is it this you fear?" He asked, and at the same moment currents of agonizing pain raced along every nerve in her body, making her scream. "Why did you come to me when you are so afraid, woman?!"
"I don't know," she sobbed, scrambling to regain a more erect posture. "I adore you, my Lord."
"And yet you dare defy me repeatedly…"
"I don't mean to. I never mean to disappoint you, my Lord! I only wish to serve you!"
"Then serve, Bella! Serve! It seems you are no good for any other kind of service anymore…"
She knew what he meant, she could always tell by the sound of his voice.
"Where do you want me, master?" she asked quietly, looking down in shame.
"Oh where ever it pleases you, Bella." He smirked, enjoying her debasement.
With trembling fingers she opened her back cloak.
As she let him take her, she remembered how she had gotten into this position, how it had all started. She remembered how happy she should feel to have him inside her; after all, she had always wanted this…
She hadn't seen him for years, when everything had started, yet she could never forget him. Nothing had ever really happened between them, before that one night, but she still remembered every second with him.
She had still been a schoolgirl back then, inexperienced and insecure, when he approached her. A virgin. She had been so surprised that he would choose her, that he would pick her to talk to. They spent so much time together, and she did everything for him; whenever she saw him, her heartbeat increased and when he casually touched her, she felt like flying. It was the strongest kind of magic she felt when she was with him. Yet they never came too close. He never let anything happen, he always made it clear he was not interested in her, sending her crushing towards the ground again and again.
Later, she realized that he had been playing with her in the most cruel way; he had known exactly what to say, how to touch her to ignite hope within her once again, only to crush it seconds later with his careless words. She realized he must have enjoyed watching her suffer from her unrequited feelings towards him; he must have basked in her adoration while always keeping her at arms length, taking whatever she offered him without ever returning so much as a smile. He knew how to appeal to her emotions as well as to her bodily desires. Using this knowledge as power, he always left her burning, pretending he did not know how she felt and letting her fall deeper into her desperation. Soon, he was all she could think about, all that she craved. She would have given her soul to spend just one night with him, to have him return her feelings for just one day, but she never got the chance.
After time, she realized she would never get from him what she so craved. She realized he would never feel affection for her, and he would only let her suffer more. So she had to find a way out.
Forcing her feelings and her sadness into a dark corner in her mind, she started flirting with another man, one she knew she could seduce. Giving her virginity to this man, marrying him and always telling herself that she must be in love with him slowly let her to believe her own lies. She believed that she could be happy with him, that he was the right one for her and that she loved him. Never once did she allow herself to remember what she felt for the other one.
Years into her marriage, she was thrust back into those sad years; One day, she saw the man who had made her suffer so much. He almost had not aged at all; he still looked as magnificent and attractive to her as he had back then. Immediately, she felt her memories breaking through the surface and taking her breath away. She stopped dead in her tracks and could not take her eyes off of him. After a moment he seemed to notice her stares, as he turned his head and looked at her. She saw recognition flutter in his eyes, followed by a sly half-smile as he turned back around and walked away. As he left her behind, she felt her whole world crushing down on her, her own temple of lies dissolving itself and leaving her naked and unprotected. This one-second of eye contact had stripped her of every ounce of confidence she had managed to build up over the years.
After this day she almost could not bear to look at her husband and to talk to him the way she had before. She knew she did not love him then, and there was no turning back.
She knew, if she had the chance to undo everything and live once more as her sixteen-year-old self, things would be different; she would do anything she could in order to get his attention. She would not let herself be played by him, she would not succumb to his wicked methods so easily. If she could get just one more chance she would make him respect her and treat her right. She knew she could have done it back then, if she had only known the things about men she knew today….
There was no such chance, though, so she had to find a way to fool herself once again. She tried to convince herself that she was still happy with her husband, that she never needed another man. Yet, whenever she almost succeeded in restoring her fortress of lies, she saw him again. He seemed to hover close to her and to sense her state of mind, always ready to destroy her sanity whenever she had finally put together the pieces.
One night, she met him at a ball she attended with her husband. Upon entering the room her eyes immediately caught his tall frame. She felt like she had been slapped and turned away quickly, trying to ignore his presence as she took a glass of champagne from a passing tray.
During the course of the evening, she emptied many more glasses in her desperate attempt to forget his presence while he always seemed to stand in her field of view.
Finally, when she could no longer stand being in the same room with him, she almost ran outside and passed the lawn as quickly as she could in order to reach the reassuring quiet of the woods.
Panting, she leaned against a tree, closing her eyes and trying to conjure an image of her husband, telling herself she should be happy that she was married to such a handsome man. However, her mind would not be deceived, this time. His picture was replaced by the burningly fresh image of the almost-stranger. Fighting with herself, she almost did not notice the set of arms slowly circling her waist. She flinched, startled, when she finally noticed. Immediately, her nostrils were filled with his delicious, intoxicating smell. She recognized him instantly, although she had not been near him for years. Nothing had changed at all. Her heartbeat increased and her stomach fluttered nervously as she realized how close they stood in the dark surrounding them. All her confidence was lost as all she only hoped for him to hold her a little longer.
"You are still as I remembered you, Bella." He said in the intimate tone he had always used, as if they had never been apart. His voice sent shivers down her spine; how she had missed this dark, full sound. How she had missed the heat of his body close to hers, the excitement she always felt near him. Suddenly she could not understand how she could have lived without him for so long. She had missed so much. Yet, in a corner of her mind, she noticed how quickly she was deteriorating into her old, helpless self, how her confidence to change the course of events if she could only relive her encounters with him vanished. She realized she had not really changed, that she had no chance of ever changing enough not to need him.
"Did you run from me?" he asked now, his voice as low and amused as ever. One hand was slowly caressing her stomach. She did not trust herself to answer him immediately. Instead, she turned her head slightly to see his face. He was looking at her calmly, as self-assured as ever. He knew he could do nothing wrong with her. She could read it on his face so clearly, that he knew just how much he controlled her and the thought scared her for a second. "Of course I ran from you!" she finally replied, fury laced in her shaking voice. "You know how I feel for you; you have always known, but you have ignored my feelings. You have played with me!"
"I have never played with you, dear Bella."
"Of course you have. We both know you have, and you have enjoyed it! You don't know how much you have hurt me, how long it has taken me to heal from you!"
"But it seems to me you have not healed at all, Bella." He murmured, his lips too close to he ear. "Do you even want to heal? Do you want me to leave right away and never return? Do you want to never feel what you feel now?" He asked as one of his hands travelled up her back and started caressing her neck in the same way he had always done back then. "Do you want to continue this empty life you have build around my absence?"
"My life is not empty! I was fine without you." Bellatrix said loudly, trying to convince herself.
"Oh but you weren't!" he chuckled. Then he said: "You know, I have not entirely forgotten about you either. I sometimes remember the time we spent together; I remember your soft voice, your skin beneath my fingers and your quiet sighs. I remember how sad you always were."
"You knew I was sad?"
"Of course I knew…"
"Why did you come back?"
"I have some unfinished business in the area."
"Why did you come back to me?"
"What makes you think I did?"
Bellatrix shrugged, gesturing to his hands. He chuckled again as he withdrew his hands, leaving her feel cold and abandoned without his touch.
"Maybe I did. Maybe I did not. Maybe I was curious to see if you had forgotten me, or if you could forgive me."
She knew she ought to be furious with him. She ought to run away. But she could not move a muscle as his gaze held hers captive. She only wished to feel his touch again, while at the same time despising herself for this wish.
"You know I could never hate you," she finally whispered, turning around to fully face him. She felt his calculating eyes rush over her body, appraising her.
"Oh but I know exactly how I could make you hate me, if I wished…" he smiled coldly. "I also know how I could make you fall for me with no return."
"But I already fell for you," she said sadly, helpless again.
"I know. But I can always make you feel more. I could even make you feel happy." The sure sound of his voice sent flames of desire cursing through her body. They were fueled by the audacious way his eyes raked over her body repeatedly. "You are very pretty, did you know that?" he asked.
"You never cared for my beauty," she replied.
"Maybe I do now. Let me see you, Bella." He whispered. "Let me really see you."
Her breath caught in her throat. He nodded at her, smilingly. "I know you have been dreaming about his for a long time, Bella. We both know you want this desperately. Seize the chance, it might be your only one."
She hesitated only for a split second before obeying. Her hands fluttered over her dress, her heart beat in frenzy as she undressed for him. Her body burned with helpless desire while his eyes followed her every move, looking at her approvingly. "You really are almost as pretty as they say," he murmured, and to her ears it sounded like the greatest compliment on earth. Deep down she knew she was being foolish and would soon regret everything, but there was no power strong enough to stop her at this moment. She had dreamed and wished and waited for this moment far too long. It felt surreal as his hands finally returned to her body. He touched her where he had never touched her before, he caressed her softly the way she had always dreamed he would. She felt like she was sixteen again, melting under his touch and burning with desperate desire. It was the first time she dared to touch him, and his skin felt heavenly beneath her fingers. She sighed quietly as he entered her. Never had she felt this fulfilled with a man inside her. Never had she felt such intense pleasure as when he started moving within her. She had never known her body would be able to feel this much at the same time. She rocked against him, taking him even deeper. His hands were everywhere on her body, his voice in her hear was the only thing she heard. She clung to him as if she were drowning, thrusting around helplessly, falling ever deeper into the dark sea of pleasure he was building up inside her. She could feel the heat of his body surrounding her, his strong arms holding her upright when her legs failed, his voice whispering, encouraging her to let go, to succumb to the force pulling her down into darkness. She moaned and screamed desperately as she finally let go and the wave came crushing over her, giving her release like never before. She felt him explode inside her biting down on her neck as he did, groaning silently.
He let go of her quickly, afterwards, carefully setting her down on the ground as her legs were still to weak to carry her. "I hope no one heard you." He said after a while. "You would be hard pressed for an explanation."
At the sound of his cruel words she felt like waking up from a dream. She looked up at him, fully dressed, while she lay naked on the ground, and never before had she realized how much power he held over her.
"Will this ever happen again?" She whispered.
"That depends; do you deserve it?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I am not rewarding you for nothing. I know what you can do, and I want you to do it for me."
"What are you talking about?" Bellatrix frowned and finally got up and redressed.
"I know you killed that Muggle. I know you can be deadly, and that is exactly what I need."
"No one knows that! How can you know?!"
"I know so much more than you think. I have eyes everywhere, Bella. I am so much more than you can ever imagine!"
"Who are you?" she whispered, dreading his reply.
"I am Lord Voldemort."
Bellatrix froze. She felt his juices running down her legs and cringed inwardly at the thought that she had slept with a monster, that she had dreamt of him, wished for this moment for so long.
"See, I told you I could destroy you, Bella," he said in the same soft voice he had used all evening. "I warned you I could hurt you more than you could imagine."
She was quiet for a long time while thoughts raced through her head and images floated along her closed eyes. Finally, she opened her eyes and said: "That changes nothing."
He laughed coldly. "I knew you would say that. You are not strong enough to stay away from me even now. I am a monster and I have defiled you and you still need to love me. You are so weak, Bella."
She shivered at the coldness in his voice, and even more so at the truth that lay in his words. Still, the moments they had experienced together did not lose any of their magic. As she looked at him he still looked as magnificent to her as he ever had. "You said you needed me," she finally said.
"Indeed. I know you are only weak with me, and I could use another killer in my service…"
"What if I get caught killing for you?"
"Just don't!"
"What if I get hurt?"
"You will be fixed."
"Why do you ask me?"
"Because I know how far you will go for me."
His look caused her stomach to flutter nervously once again, as she remembered what they had done not long ago.
He had been right. She really would do everything for him, she would go further than any of his other followers and she would never hesitate to fulfill an order from him.
It seemed she never fully realized what she was doing for him as she was focused on what he would do to her when she returned. The helplessness she felt at his touch never left, she never felt more secure however often he touched her, she always feared it might be the last time.
Even now, as he used her body to punish her in the same way he had used it to reward her in the past, the magic had not faded completely. She always returned to his side and still did his every bidding. In her eyes, he still could not fail, however cruelly he treated her. She had, indeed, gone further for him than anybody else; she had given her soul for him!
"You have one more try to finish this potion, Bella. Leave me now." He said coldly as he finally withdrew from her, spent. She nodded hastily.
"Thank you, master!" she said as she rearranged her robes. She bowed and hurried away, eager to fulfill the task once more. She knew it was her last chance not to lose him completely.
As always I am thankful for every review ;)