He half thought he was dreaming when he felt the hand grasp his shoulder. The vinyl of the hospital recliner had adhered itself to the exposed skin of his palms and forearms creating a faint ripping sound as he startled awake. By force of habit he looked first at Bae, his body still and his vitals kept steady by the continued work of machines. Adam Gold's frown deepened as it always did when he noted the lack of change. The words he had been preparing to tell Belle he wasn't ready to change shifts died on his tongue when a pair of familiar green eyes looked into his.
"What are you doing here?" He hissed as the interloper gingerly sat himself on the edge of Bae's bed.
"I read about the accident in the papers, Laddie. Did you really expect me to stay away?" Malcolm Gold's words were quiet but somehow his heartfelt incredulity filled the room. The man himself had visibly aged and diminished, his face a little thinner and his skin more sallow.
"You managed to do that for every other major event in my lifetime, why should this be any different." Each syllable was a battle for control, he thought every tear had been spent since his son had been placed on life support. The presence of his long estranged father was testing him. He stood on shaking legs, "We should take this down the hall."
"You sure about that m'boy? That leg doesn't look fit enough to stand on, let alone walk-"
Gold cut the older man off, "I'm learning to get by with the cane well enough and I have things to say to you that I don't wish to say in front of Baden." He delivered the words with a sneer, silently daring Malcolm to say a word about the boy being unable to hear.
"That might be for the best, Laddie, you lead the way."
They reached the deserted waiting room too soon for Gold's liking. If circumstances were anywhere near normal he wouldn't have lowered himself into yet another vinyl covered chair, wouldn't have displayed any vulnerability whatsoever. "What are you doing here?" Gold asked flatly. "I've not seen you in twenty eight years, why show up now?"
"Laddie, I was never cut out for being a father. I was too much of a child when you came along and if I had kept you anything could have happened to you. Sending you to live with Ruth and Imogene was the best for all of us." The decades hadn't changed the hypnotic cadence of Malcolm's voice, Gold was reminded of the bedtime stories he used to tell infrequently. Promises of a brighter future where they could eat cake all day and fly high above the treetops. Gold was nearly a teenager before he realized his papa had been stoned off his ass during those recitals.
"You abandoned me so you could go off and play Peter Pan, don't pretend giving me to the aunts was some kind of parenting decision. You were running from a dealer and I slowed you down." Gold's voice rose a pitch higher than he would have liked. "Did you even spare me a second thought after you scarpered? Did you think of me at all?"
"Of course I did, son. I was a very weak and a very selfish man for a long time, but even if I lived forever I could never forget my little Laddie." There was a pleading tone in Malcolm's voice that he had heard often enough in his own voice over the last three months. "Your Aunty Ruth used to send me snippets from time to time. Announcements for your graduation, a letter saying you'd made it into law school. A picture and a newspaper clipping when you married Milah. Has she been to see your boy?"
Gold's mind was still spinning from learning Ruth had kept in touch with Malcolm, he nodded absently. "She and her new man were in. Blaming me for the crash, said that I ripped her heart out by not relenting on the custody ruling. She walked out when he was five and had the gall to ask for visitations after he turned fourteen. Belle nearly-" Gold paused, "Does it surprise you that I married a woman that would walk out on her son? Why would she do something like that? And then to act as if it were my fault." He'd still been in his own hospital bed then, recovering from one of the operations to repair his crushed ankle.
"Pardon my language Laddie, but it sounds like you and the boy were well shot of the bint. Was that your new wife asleep on the sofa?"
"Aye, that was Belle. She's been..." Gold didn't want to speak of Belle in front of Malcolm, but he'd opened up about so much more than he'd planned already the words tumbled from his mouth without heed. "I couldn't have made it through any of this without her. She didn't leave his side when I was having my operations, between the two of us he hasn't been left alone since the accident. I don't think she even remembers what her own bed feels like. She's more of a mother than-" Gold stopped suddenly, his eyes narrowed. "What the bloody hell are you doing here? If you need money, fine I'll write a cheque but I've enough to deal with right now with out the addition of you!"
"I don't want your money Adam, I swear boy I'm just here for you." Gold knew the word were false but he allowed him to continue anyway, too tired from his brief outburst and natural exhaustion to fight anymore. "I've hit rock bottom many times, Laddie. More times than a man should. I've been in and out of rehab clinics and jails, but I found something Adam and it gave me the strength I needed to quit."
"And what's that? Did you find religion?" Gold spat.
"As a matter of fact, I have. I've been clean for twelve years and a youth pastor for seven. You can scoff if you like m'boy, but I'm making a difference. There's no greater power than belief, Laddie."
"So that's what you want? To convert me? To tell me that everything will work out perfectly if I change my ways and have faith?"
"No, son, I'm afraid I'm not. You see, there is something you need to be told and I don't think there's anyone else in your life that will be brave to say it." Malcolm drew in a steadying breath. He looked older than a man in his late sixties, Gold couldn't decide if it was from his life of addiction or if he was genuinely concerned. "It's been three months, Adam, and that boy hasn't improved. You need to think about letting go."
No one had dared speak those words to Gold, most of the hospital staff either felt too sorry for Baden or to intimidated by Gold's demeanor to so much as catch his eye. Doctor Whale had been understanding about their circumstances, he'd paid an exorbitant amount of money to bring the specialist in because of his own background with his brother. Whale cautioned Belle and Gold that his brother Gerhart's brain damage been substantial, but he had come out of a coma after an eighteen month wait. The doctor emphasized the frustration and expense of the vigil and the hospital bills, but it was more than obvious that the man had no regrets about the choices he made. Gold would have traded every penny, every hour of sleep, every moment left in his life to see his boys eyes flutter open. Letting go was not an option.
"We're done here." The words were a snarl. "Leave."
"What your doing isn't fair to that boy, Adam, keeping his body going while the rest of him has already moved on. It isn't fair to you or that wife of yours either, your running yourselves into the ground. And for what, Laddie? The boy's nothing more than a doll made of flesh and bones. Would Baden want this for you? Would he want what you've done to him?"
"Don't say his name!" Gold hissed. "You've never laid eyes on my son until today. How dare you try to tell how to make decisions as a father?"
"Adam, you should know better than anyone that holding on too long will get you nothing but hurt. That look you're wearing right now, it's the same one you had when you were a kid always waiting for me to get my act together." Malcolm bowed his head shaking it slightly. "You never get over seeing a look like that on your child's face."
"Did it occur to you that I look this way because you're here?" How did he know which buttons to press?
"Laddie, I noticed it while you were still sleeping in the chair beside his bed." Malcolm lifted his chin and searched his son's face. "You're living under a burden no man should have to suffer through son. I don't know how much more of it you can take."
It was on the tip of Gold's tongue to ask if raising him had proved to be too much of a burden, but his father's words had brought too many feelings to the forefront of his mind. "It 's like he's disappeared. Like he's fallen down a rabbit hole and I can't bring him back. I can't follow. I don't know how to help him and I can't do anything else until I have. The only time I feel any peace at all is when Belle's reading to him, for a short while I can pretend she's helping him with his homework or even that he's a little boy hearing his bedtime stories again." He was dangerously close to losing control, but the words kept coming. "I wish it had been me. I should be in that bed right now, not my boy. Bae's so much better than I could ever hope to be. He's brave and so clever, he could be anything."
"You do understand, Adam, that you're not the one lying in that bed. No amount of wishing or hoping can change that. You're a survivor, Laddie, you always have been. You've done what you can for the boy, now you need to start living again." Malcolm's eyes were dry, but shadowed. His once sharp gaze was dimmer and more yellow, but no less intense. Gold looked away.
"I'm not you! I can't just forget and start life without my son!" The tears Gold had been holding in began leaking out. If he could run there would be no power on Earth that could keep him in the waiting room. He would try anyway if he wasn't certain he would collapse upon standing.
"You're nothing like me, m'boy. You're a better father and a better man. You deserve a better hand than you've been dealt, but believe me someday you can be happy again. I know you don't want to hear it son, but a part of that is burying your past. You can't move forward stuck living this nightmare day in and day out." Malcolm paused to clasp one of Gold's hands in his own. "You can't honor Baden's memory while you have him laid out like Snow White. Life isn't a fairy tale, Laddie, you know that better than most. You're stronger than you think son. You can grieve and then you can heal. You have a wife who loves you, she might even give you more children someday-" He paused waiting to be cut off. "Laddie you can move on with your life. You can even use this tragedy to help others. I'm sure Baden would want to save lives instead existing in suspended animation."
Gold's voice was a strangled whisper, "I dinnae know what I would do without him. All I've ever had is my boy. If I lost him I would truly turn to dust."
"That's not true, Laddie. You have to believe in yourself. You need to believe that you are enough to live for." Gold hadn't been enough for Malcolm as a boy. He couldn't imagine why he was saying he was enough now. "You've been so strong for him, now you need to be strong enough for yourself and your wife."
In spite of himself, Gold took heart. "Maybe tomorrow Belle and I could try sleeping at home. Maybe we should take a step back. I can wait forever for him, but maybe I need to continue being the man he always knew." He forced himself to look into Malcolm's eyes. "I'm not ready to forgive you, but for what it's worth I'm grateful for this talk."
Whatever Gold had expected of his father it was not the coolness he saw in the yellowed stare. "Do you really think you're doing right by the boy by keeping him hooked up to the machines? He's gone, Adam! But his story doesn't have to end in that cave you've been storing him in. Wouldn't Bae want to save lives? There are people out there that can be cured, Laddie, if they had tissue or organs."
"Yourself included?" Gold asked quietly. "That's why you're here isn't it? I should have known. Gods I should have known. This was never about me was it? What is it? You've never had a heart so I can't imagine you needing one of those."
"Quiet down Laddie, I never said anything of the sort. I only meant-" Malcolm's confidence was shaken.
His attempts to soothe were wasted on Gold.
"Stop calling me that! I want the truth. Are you ill? Are you here because you need something of my son's to keep yourself alive?" He roared. " Answer me damn you."
"Adam, be reasonable. What you say is true, I'm going to need a liver. But that's not the only reason I'm here. You and that boy are my own flesh and blood. I would never-" His desperation was palpable.
"Oh yes you would. You would have had me give up on my own son, you would end his life to prolong your own." Gold had worked himself into a fairly impressive rage, somehow he found himself standing toe to toe with his father his anger making him tower over the larger man. "And I was actually listening to you. I was letting you go on talking. I wonder how long I would have lasted until I was dancing to your tune as well."
"Adam please, your son's life is over. I'm in my sixties, I have another decade or two left in me at least. I'll die without your help, he's my grandson we'd be a near perfect match." This was no practiced speech, the truth just spilled from his mouth. Finally the truth.
"Shut up!" If he hadn't let his guard down he wouldn't have gotten hurt again.
"The boy is as good as dead anyway!" Malcolm all but whined.
"Shut the hell up!" He bellowed. "Stay away from my son, stay away from me. Crawl back to whatever rat trap you came from."
Malcolm sneered, "Leaving you will be no challenge. You're the same sniveling wee brat you always were, tears streaming down your face and piss running down your legs because you were a weak little coward."
Gold was scarcely aware of himself as Malcolm left the room. For a moment or two he stood in a daze, but adrenaline soon kicked in. Without any knowledge of how he hobbled over he began pounding his tennis ball tipped cane into the coffee machine. He might have been at it for minutes or hours before a pair of small hands wrapped around his forearm.
"Adam, please stop." Her voice centered him, he lowered the now bent and twisted aluminum stick. "Dove is with Bae right now, but I think he needs his papa more. Let's take a moment to calm down before we go see him."
"What's Dove doing here?" Gold panted, sinking into the hated vinyl chair once more. "Belle something's happened-"
"Darling I know, that is I know part of the what happened. I woke up and noticed you were gone, I tried to find you and heard shouting from the hall. I called Dove in to escort that man from the premisses, I thought he would be more discreet than the hospital security staff." Belle squeezed his hand. "So that was your father?"
Gold nodded tightly, his hand were trembling in hers. Belle stood, "Adam, I want you to lean on me. We're going to go see Bae."
He made no move to stand. "Did you hear what he wanted? He tried to talk me into- He wanted me to-" Gold shook his head trying to focus. "Can we set out here for a moment, Belle? I can't stand to look at those damned machines right now."
"I understand, sweetheart." Belle balanced herself on the edge of his chair so she could message the back of his neck. "That evil blonde nurse wanted to throw you out too and Leroy wanted you to destroy the cola machine near his janitor's closet. I think it's a testimonial to who holds the real power at Storybrooke General."
Gold almost smirked, "Yes. I do. Except for where it really matters."
"Do you remember what I told you after the accident, when we first found out Bae might not wake up? I said we would never stop fighting for him. And we won't, you know we won't."
"How can I fight for him when I can't do anything? I feel so weak and powerless. How is this different from giving up?"
"For one thing we need to come to terms with the fact that it's not up to us. We can't wake him up by spending money or making wishes." Belle carded her fingers through his hair hoping the touch was comforting him.
"Right now all we can do is wait and believe in Bae. Darling, he wants to come back to us as much as we want him to. You know how determined he can be. We have to have faith that he'll fight his way back."
His choked sob nearly broke Belle's heart. "I love you."
She wrapped her arms around his shaking frame as best as she could. "I love you too, Adam."