A/N: Okay so sue me, I haven't updated any of my ongoing projects... I will I swear! But first a birthday present, co-authored by the birthday girl, my mom! I wrote the ending bit by myself. So this will be a sporadically updated series of one shots (like my Hojo series, only not as frequent nor as long). So give a shout to xLadyxLibertyx

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII and the lyrics at the end are from "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane. Lucy is my pseudosibling since we're both my mother's children. And Kamui is all mine.

Lucy: Age 7

"Dad-dy! Dad-dy!!" Lucy Valentine ran into the front room of Valentine Hall frantically waving a piece of paper over her head. "DAD-DY!!"

"Sweetheart? What is it? Are you okay? Is something wrong?" Sephiroth ran into the mansion's large entryway, half-alarmed. Lucy was certainly excited about something. She looked all right. Must not be bad, hurt, or crying, or any of the other multitude of things that could be wrong.

"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!!" Sephiroth scooped his daughter up in his arms and placed her on his hip. She was just home from school. Where was Tessa anyway. "Today our teacher told us that every week, every week, every week we have to write a report about a person we know, and I don't know who to do!"

Sephiroth leaned back surprised at his daughter's announcement. Children had to write, what? Budget reports? After-action reports? Personnel reports? These were just some of the reports with which he was familiar. None of these seemed to be what she was talking about though. "All right, what does that mean, Lucy?"

"Daddy! Weren't you listening?!"

Lucy was starting to cry. Sephiroth leaned even further back. He could rarely cope with tears, especially not his daughter's, especially when she was burying her face in his shoulder! All right, try again. "Lucy dear, what kind of report do you have to write?" There, that should clear matters up.

"A report about a person we know, and I don't know who to do…" Lucy again buried her face in his shoulder, wiping her tears on his shirt. Well, at least he was wearing a knit cotton shirt, black of course, for a changed. His black leather coat just wasn't good at absorbing water. "Nyah, nyah, nyah."

"So you have to write a story about a person?" Sephiroth had learned to read Lucy bedtime stories. A story was something he was familiar with.

"No, it's a report!"

"Yes, I gathered that much. Not a story. Hm."

Just then Tessa came in from the garage.

"Mom-my! Mom-my!! MOM-MY!! Daddy doesn't get it!"

"Sweetheart… Here." Tessa set her bags on the floor by her feet and reached to take her daughter from her husband. "Now, you were telling me in the car what you needed to do for school. Tell me again now, okay?"

"You, you don't remember?!"

"Of course, I do, honey, but I just remember it was a report about someone. How long does it have to be? Who does it need to be about?"

"Him! It has to be about Daddy!"

Dead silence.

Cccccccccccccc

Zack knew Lucy would be on the roof. Something about roofs just appealed to his niece. When she was unhappy she always ran away to the roof. Maybe they were just taller than Sephiroth. Maybe they kept her out from under Tessa's feet. Anyway, she'd left the door to the roof open. That meant she really wanted someone to come after her. If she'd closed it, then she wouldn't be in a mood to talk to anyone, much less him.

"Hey, kiddo."

"Hey." Lucy sat with her arms wrapped behind her legs and her head against her knees, but she looked up at him. "Did Mom send you up here?"

"Nah, came on my own. My niece senses were tingling."

A smile flickered across Lucy's face. Uncle Zack had the funniest senses sometimes. Not like Daddy's. His were just weird. "Un-cle Zack! Don't kid me. Did you hear about my homework from Mommy?"

"What homework is this?"

"Un-cle Zack! It's the report about somebody I know."

"Any idea who you're gonna do?"

"The teacher said she'd like a report about Daddy!"

"Hm. Any particular thing about Seph?"

"Well, she did say stuff that we don't know about Daddy."

"Whoo, tabloid stuff! Come on, kiddo, I'll help you write the report!"

"Yay!"

Cccccccc

Several days later, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" Lucy came running into the entry hall waving a piece of paper frantically over her head.

"Yes, sweetheart, what is it?"

"See my report! See! See!"

"Well," Sephiroth took the paper from his daughter's hand and stared at it. His stare turned to a glare as he read the paper. Zack! "Sweetheart, did Uncle Zack help you write this?"

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Good hunh?!"

"Yes, sweetie, very good. Would you go find Uncle Zack for me?"

"Okay!"

"And Auntie Kami, too." He felt the compulsive need to kill something!

Cccccccccccc

Kamui leaned back against the floor. She'd hidden out under the stairs to the basement of Valentine Manor to get a little piece and quiet. Verdot had done well to teach her to hack into data systems, Shin-Ra's network was child's play. No wonder Verdot and Tseng were the gods of information. Though Zack wasn't hard to sneak a paper from for a few minutes. "When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead. And the white knight is talking backwards..."

Her fingers folded a chocobo out of a piece of paper, written in a nice non cursive font. Her inner prankster got the better of her and she'd posted Lucy's report on the Shin-Ra forums under her fake account.

My Daddy by Lucy Valentine

My daddy is the best there is. His name is Sephiroth and he runs SOLDIER. His best friend is Uncle Zack, and he's married to Mommy, Dr. Romera from the science department. He has a younger sister in the Turks, but they don't like each other much. Daddy really likes his swords, he likes really sparkly things. I think he keeps a stack of shiny things behind the couch, because Mommy can never find things. He also really likes candy and chocolate, even though Mommy doesn't let him have that much, she says it's not good for him. He also uses this really smelly shampoo that's supposed to be made just for him. He also has a funny cowlick in the mornings, that he always gets really mad at.

Daddy's job at Shin-Ra is really important, because SOLDIER does lots of fighting. He likes to yell at people when he's at work, and he fights at work sometimes too. He doesn't like Mr. Shin-Ra, course he does work for him, so I bet it's because he gets in trouble a lot. But Uncle Zack says he works hard, but one time when there was a fire drill, Uncle Zack says that Daddy had coffee come out of his nose and he got it on Mr. Shin-Ra's suit! I guess stuff like that happens to him too. I really love my daddy, he's the best.

Kamui shut down the computer as she continued to hum the song that she had been singing earlier. "And the Red Queen's 'Off with her head'. Remember what the dormouse said…"