A/N: As usual, my thanks to Broadwayfreak for the excellent beta work.
Elizabeth needs a good breakdown. This is written post 2.21 describing Henry's return from Pakistan. I want to see everything fixed, so I fixed it. (Hint, hint, writing department. Fix it. Get on that. Make it better.)
Leave me a review and let me know what you think! Reviews motivate me to write more.
Elizabeth got a text from Russell. "Henry's on his way home, safe and sound. Landed at Andrews five minutes ago." She was working at her desk in the office, and the kids were all in their rooms or watching TV in the family room.
She breathed a sigh of relief. She had spent so much time focusing on the crisis of Pakistan's nukes she hadn't had time to dwell on her emotions about Henry being missing along with the rest of Murphy Station. With the knowledge that her husband was coming home, she realized how much tension she had been holding in. She could feel in her chest that she was going to cry when she saw him. The tears were starting to leak, but she knew the floodgates would open up when Henry's presence made the whole situation real.
When he was missing, she could almost convince herself that Henry was just really busy. Seeing him again would acknowledge what he had gone through. She knew Russell would have told her if he had any injuries they hadn't heard about before, but she was still worried. Henry had had so much trouble recently. This could break him. The worry only made Elizabeth more frantic. This could break their relationship. She had spent weeks walking on eggshells around her husband, but the dam was ready to break. She needed to let Henry support her. If she could have controlled her emotions, she might have tried to maintain her composure. But she couldn't. It wasn't up to her anymore. She was at her emotional limit. Her emotions were rebelling against her mind. Being collected wasn't an option anymore. A surge of powerful emotions that had been too long repressed was ready to burst forth from the confines of her meticulously crafted exterior. That exterior couldn't bear the weight of her job as well as her damaged relationship indefinitely.
Henry had had a lot of time to think during the trip back to the States. He could recognize that he had put Elizabeth in an impossible situation, and she had dealt with it amazingly well. Realizing how difficult this had all been for his wife made him want to do better. He knew she needed more support than he had been giving her.
There had been moments he wasn't sure if he'd make it out of Pakistan alive. He had made a promise to himself that if he did, he would do better. He had to stop running away from his own problems to recognize that his wife was hurting just like he was. She would need a chance to relax. He would take her out to burgers and bowling, for a start, and give her a chance to be herself without having to make sure he was okay.
Henry walked in the door, only to be practically attacked by his wife. She threw herself into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. He could feel her hot tears falling against his shoulder.
"I'm here, baby. Breathe." Offering her reassurance came second nature to him, particularly when he was returning from such a life-threatening situation. He wasn't surprised she was upset like this.
"I'm fine. I just need to be with you. Give me a minute." She managed through her tears. Her whole body trembled with the force of her emotion.
Henry knew Elizabeth needed to let go. She needed the chance to cry in his arms. He owed her this.
The kids came running to the door at the sound of their father entering the house.
"Dad!" They all called out in unison. When they saw their parents, though, they stopped short.
"Is Mom okay? Dad?" They hadn't seen their mother this unraveled before.
"She's fine. She'll be fine. She's stressed, and she needs a chance to release that. Don't worry." He gave them a reassuring smile, holding his wife up around his waist. "Could you give us a few minutes, though? I'll come up and talk to you in a bit."
The kids nodded and left their parents alone still standing in the entryway.
Henry was still holding his wife tightly in his arms. She was hiding her tears in his shirt. She hadn't wanted her kids to see her break down. She wasn't ashamed, and at that moment, she didn't really care who saw her, anyway. Even so, she wanted to keep this moment private.
"Let's go sit down, babe." Henry moved into the family room and sat on the sofa with her still clutching him tightly. "Talk to me, baby. What's going on?"
"I missed you so much. I need you... I need you, Henry." She couldn't look him in the face. As much as she had missed seeing his face, she wasn't sure she wanted him to see her so vulnerable.
"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." He rubbed her back gently.
"Don't leave me." Her tears were coming so thickly now she was barely understandable.
"Shhh, baby. It's all okay. I'm here. I'm here." He rested his chin on the top of her head. Elizabeth felt surrounded by him, and that calmed her.
"I'm so scared." Her voice trembled. Where she was normally so strong and sure of herself, her voice betrayed the pain and tears she had been holding in for months now.
Henry's heart broke at the pain in her voice. He was responsible for a lot of that pain, and he needed to fix it.
"I know you're scared, baby. I'm sorry. I'm here now, I promise." He tried to offer her as much physical comfort as he could. He felt good at finally being able to hold her. In Pakistan, that was all he wanted. They hadn't simply held each other that way in so long. They needed this time to reconnect. Henry was sorry that he was only offering his wife this comfort now that she was in crisis.
Elizabeth was draped on top of her husband, and his strong arms were wrapped around her waist and upper back, holding her steady. His presence comforted her. There was a barrier between her and the outside world. She didn't feel in danger of slipping anymore. He held her body securely, and now she was sure he would protect her emotionally, too. That didn't change anything that had happened before, though. He had still ignored her and left her to pick up the pieces.
"You can't leave me alone like that. Not right now." She was scared, but a part of her was also angry.
"Okay. Deal. Agreed. No more leaving you to deal with everything on your own. I'm sorry. I've got you now. You're all mine, and I'm not gonna let you forget it." He started kissing her neck gently, tickling her with his stubble.
Elizabeth giggled in spite of herself. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me, babe. You deserve this. You should be able to take for granted that you've always got me right here next to you."
She snuggled closer to him, practically trying to hide herself from the world in his embrace.
"I'm just so worried I'm going to lose you." She said it quietly, as if she didn't want to hear it herself.
Henry mentally kicked himself and soothingly stroked his wife's hair. When he began to massage her neck, he felt her finally relax and melt into his body, the tension leaving hers. She had finally voiced her biggest fear. She had let him see her vulnerability.
"You've always got me. I promise."
Elizabeth allowed his words to soothe her. She needed to trust him. He held her head to his heart, and she took comfort in the steady beat she heard thumping against his chest.
When she didn't say anything after a few minutes, Henry realized just how emotionally exhausted she was.
"Alright, baby, it's time we get you up to bed. You need rest. You'll feel better after you sleep."
A momentary panic crossed Elizabeth's mind. "No!" She didn't want to sleep. Sleep meant nightmares and aching loneliness. She jerked up in Henry's arms.
"Hey! Calm down. It's okay." Henry clutched her tighter, trying to ward off her fear. "It's okay. You don't have to do anything. We're just talking." He was confused by her response.
Elizabeth realized how illogical her reaction had been. She deflated, feeling stupid.
"Sorry. I just don't want to wake up alone and find out this was all a dream."
Henry's heart ached. "It's not a dream, babe. I'll be right next to you when you wake up. Promise. You can trust me, okay?"
She nodded. She knew she needed sleep. Since Henry left, she hadn't been able to get more than a couple hours at a time. The loneliness crushed her every time she tried to relax like a physical weight pushing her down, drowning her.
"Have you been having trouble sleeping?" Henry wanted to know. He felt a little guilty, but more than that, he felt motivated to help her and be present for her as he hadn't been recently.
She could only nod and hide herself in his embrace again. It occurred to her that if she could keep her face buried in Henry's shoulder forever, so she never had to look at the world again, she would be fine with that. At least for tonight, she needed to retreat from the world completely.
"You need rest. You'll feel better. Come on, you can get ready for bed while I say goodnight to the kids."
She nodded silently, but couldn't stop clutching him long enough to stand up. After a minute, she said, "just a few more minutes?"
He looked down at her curled up in his arms. "A few more minutes? Why don't you want to go to bed? Hmm?"
"Just... Hold me like this a few more minutes."
"Baby, I'll hold you like this all night if you come up to bed and get some rest. I'm going to take you upstairs and get you all relaxed, and then I'm not going to let you go until you make me."
Truth be told, Elizabeth really was tired. Her eyes were drooping closed now that the adrenaline was wearing off. She considered it and said, "Okay. You can take me up to bed... I am awfully sleepy."
Henry kissed the top of her head lovingly. "That's my girl. Let's get you upstairs." He gathered her up and stood with her still held firmly in his arms and began to ascend the stairs.
Elizabeth clung tightly to him while he cradled her in his arms and murmured, "I'm not a girl."
Henry's heart swelled at her strength. They were going to make it. He was sure of it.
"I know that. You are a very capable woman. But right now, you don't need to be so fiercely independent. Let me take care of you for tonight, okay? You don't need to prove your strength to me. I just want you to relax and get some rest. You can be strong and independent tomorrow, if you want, but right now, let's take refuge in our circle of two." He smiled at their little joke, hoping he could lighten the mood.
By this time, they had reached their bedroom. Henry laid her gently on his side of the bed. She smiled up at him with tired eyes and nodded. She would let her guard down tonight. After everything, she needed this. They needed to reconnect, and Henry needed the chance to show her that she didn't always have to be the one to hold their relationship together.
He went to the dresser and pulled out some pajamas for her.
"Not those ones. Give me some of yours." Elizabeth still wanted to sleep in his clothes, even if he was back now. His shirts felt softer and less restrictive. She wanted his presence to surround her tonight. She wanted to dance in it and bathe in the joy of their reunion.
Henry smiled. His nighttime wardrobe was as big as hers, if only because he had to have enough pajamas for her, too. He got the requested articles and handed them to her. He sat down next to her, offering her a quick kiss to the forehead.
"You get changed, and I'll be right back. I'm just going to go hug the kids."
Elizabeth nodded and watched Henry leave the room. He was back home, and that was all she needed at the moment. Pakistan could fail, and Russia could have a hundred new warheads, but all she needed now was his comfy T-shirt against her skin and his strong arms wrapped around her body.
When he came back into the bedroom, Henry found his wife curled around his pillow. He changed and got ready for bed and then sat down on the bed beside Elizabeth. She was inhaling his scent from the pillow. He knew she had done that during his deployment, and it hit him that she was just as afraid now that he wouldn't come back to her as she had been when she had been a newly married twenty-something whose husband was deployed for months at a time.
"Alright, babe. Give me my pillow back." He gently disentangled it from her hold. She let him take it, and he lay down, opening his arms to her. She nestled gratefully into his embrace, hiding her face in the pocket of air between his neck and pillow. Henry's hands began a slow massage of her back and shoulders. His touch began to unravel the knots of tension in her sore muscles.
"Forget about the rest of the world. For tonight, it's just you and me." Henry's chest rumbled as he spoke, and Elizabeth couldn't help a few tears of relief working their way out.
"Don't leave me like that again." She knew she couldn't keep him from ever being separated from her, but she needed him to assure her that she wouldn't have to go through a separation that difficult.
"I'm not going anywhere, baby." He began to rub her back gently, giving her a chance to release all of her pent up tension and emotions, confident that they were truly together and alone. No external threats could reach them here. "You get some rest. I love you."
He was lying with his body flush with hers in bed. It was reassuring for him to feel her heart beating in her chest against his own. The pressure of her against him soothed him. He had felt relief at seeing the helicopter meant to lift Murphy Station out of Pakistan, and he had further relaxed once they had landed at Andrews. Yet it was only Elizabeth's presence that fully calmed the flighty feeling of fear that still clawed at his stomach. He realized what he was truly afraid of was losing her. He had held her at arm's length because he felt that their jobs were pushing them apart. If he pushed her away himself, he could still maintain control of the situation.
Henry could recognize now that that approach wouldn't work, and it was ultimately detrimental to both of them. It might be difficult, but he would need to ensure that he did everything he could to maintain his relationship with Elizabeth. She needed him, and he needed her. That was the only way they were going to make it; together.
Elizabeth nodded against his chest. She finally felt like she could trust him. There was something in his presence now that assured her he was sincere and capable of being her partner again. She needed him to offer her refuge and shelter, and here he was, just as solid and sure as he could be.
"I'll be fine as long as I've got you. Just don't run off tonight." Don't run off ever, okay?
"I'm staying right here, babe. Trust me. Now close your eyes. You're safe." I'm here to stay. Promise.
If I love you all my days
Would it be so strange
If it stood in sharp contrast
To all the bad news
Swirling round
We can take in just so much
We forget to touch
Then we pause for a moment
In the eye of the storm
There is calm
Let me be your shelter
You can come and rest
Let me be your shelter
You can come and rest in me
In the time that we have now
We are learning how
To seek sanctuary
Wherever we are
In this love
-emma's revolution "Shelter"