It was an ordinary day in Ikebukuro except for the fact that a giant guy in a costume was destroying the city. Izaya was doing a thing with Celty's head and pretending it was Shizu chan when Namie suddenly barged in. He shrieked and punted the head across the room while zipping his pants. "What are you doing in my house you she-devil!?"
"...I work here, you weirdo." Said the she-devil who wanted to fuck her teenage brother. She casually started to make tea ."So did you notice the giant monster terrorizing the city?"
"What?" Izaya looked out the window. He was so absorbed by what he was doing to the head that he failed to notice the sweet sounds of the creature knocking down buildings, the army shooting it with missiles, the screams of the people as they were crushed by debris and giant feet and badly aimed missiles, and different people taking pictures of it with their cell phones.
Mikado and Anri were on a bench, watching the chaos unfold.
"So, should we be evacuating or something?" Mikado asked.
"I am a hermaphrodite." Anri replied and then she slapped him in the face with her dick.
"But whyyyyyyy?" the boy cried plaintively as he clutched his face and writhed in agony. But Anri just flew away.
"Holy fecal matter! Rita Repulsa sent a giant guy in a costume to destroy the city!1" Izaya summarized the plot and then jumped out the window and landed on Mikado.
"Yeees...alone at last." Namie pulled out a picture of her brother. "Oh Seiji, I love you so much. 'I love you too nee-san'" she said in a deeper voice while shaking the picture. "'I don't know why I ever saw anything in that stupid, slutty, severed head. You're way hotter than her! Make love to me, nee-san!' I will, Seiji!" she kissed the picture. Unbeknownst to her, Seiji was one of the people stepped on by the monster. Also Mika was standing next to him and died too.
"Ow...why did I do that? Oh hi Mikado."
"..."
"You okay?"
He twitched. Izaya decided to take this as a sign that he was just fine and ran to where the monster was. Then he morphed into the Black Ranger so he could kung fu it. Also Shizuo and Varona were there. Shizuo was so turned on by Izaya in spandex that he jizzed his pants.
"Senpai are you ok? Why did you jizz your pants?" the Russian girl asked with her stupid whore face.
"Because I love him!"
"But he's a troll that likes to tell little girls to kill themselves and he framed you for murder and had a little girl try to kill you." the russian girl said like an evil bitch that wanted to kill the yaoi.
"Stop trying to seduce him with your lies you evil bitch! You just want to kill the yaoi!" Izaya kung fued her with his kung fu. He did a lot of flips and made a lot of bad puns. But she was too good at the kung fu for Simon had taught her the art of kung fu so that she could defend the yaoi from evil and vaginas. But her vagina became greedy and she turned away from his teachings and tried to hog all the bishies to herself.
Realizing the wench couldn't be killed by kung fu, Izaya got in his Thunderzord and killed her, then he found Namie and Akane and killed them too. "I did it! I saved the day, Shizu chan!" He jumped out of the Thunderzord and they ran towards each other in slow motion. Romantic music started to play from somewhere. They kissed passionateyl while the lighting and camera angle were dramatic, and debris from the bad sfx monster still rampaging through the city rained down on them.
Anri had flown to the moon. "Who the h are you?!" Rita Repulsa asked and started to attack her but the sexy meganekko futanari punched her in the face before she could do anything. "This is for Mika, bitch!" she said like a cool person before she cut Rita's head off with her magic katana. She shoved the head up Lord Zedd's butt and then stabbed him. Then Anri planted the explosives and set the timers. Her work done, she put on some cool shades and flew back to Earth while the moon exploded behind her.
A few days later, Simon was advertising his sushi even though most of the city was destroyed and big chunks of the moon were raining down on the world. He noticed Anri walking by, looking sad and also sexy.
"Anri! What wrong? You should eat sushi! Sushi will make you happy and make penis big!"
"I already have a big penis, but ok." They went inside and she ordered her sushi.
"Are you sad about moon exploding?" the black Russian sushiman asked her.
Anri avoided eye contact. She couldn't tell anyone that she was the one who blew up the moon. "I'm just a little lonely. Mika died, I don't even know where Masaomi is, Akabayashi got arrested for child molestation, Celty's brethren came and took her back to her home planet so she wouldn't die in the impending moonpocalypse, and Mikado's in the hospital for getting dick-slapped, but they don't know if he'll survive."
"Sorry to hear that. He is nice boy."
"Yeah, he is." The hermaphrodite started to cry. She hadn't meant to slap him that hard. Sometimes she couldn't control her own penile strength.
A meteoroid fell through the roof, landing a few feet away from them.
"You know what I really wish I could do before the moon kills us all? Beat the crap out of Izaya Orihara. I almost did, once, but I didn't, and I've regretted it ever since."
"I punched him one time. It was fun."
"You're so lucky! I have an idea. We should find him and just gang up on him and kick the shit out of him!"
And so the unlikely duo decided to find the black ranger and kick his ass. For doom was nigh.
Shizuo and Izaya had just had a romantic dinner and now the sexy not-bartender led his new boyfriend to the hotel room. There were rose petals everywhere and candles and lube. Shizuo put on a sultry Iron Maiden song. "Oh Shizu-chan, you're so romantic." Izaya said with big sparkly eyes. Shizuo pushed him down onto the bed and they started to make out. Then they took off their clothes. Izaya bent over and showed his beloved his bum. "Pop my butt cherry, Shizu-chan~~~!"
The fake blonde lubed up his lover's back door and then started to do sex to him. But Shizuo was too strong and the only people whose bodies could withstand the wrath of his mighty genitalia were Simon and Anri; maybe Celty, but she doesn't have a head so that'd be kind of weird. Every bone in Izaya's body snapped and his organs all exploded and came out his mouth and butt and eyes. He was spraying an insane amount of blood all over the place.
"NOOO! I fucked you too hard!"
"It's ok, my love," Izaya gurgled through his intestines that were coming out of his mouth. He tried to caress his bf's face but his arms fell off. "You must live on. Shizu-chan." He made a dramatic dying sound and died.
"IZAAAAYAAAAA WHYYYYYYY?"
Anri dicked in the blood spattered door. "Where's Izaya?"
"I fucked him to death!"
"No! Now I'll never get my chance to kick his ass!"
"There is a way." said Simon. "We could open the portal. But need a sacrifice."
"All right. Bye, Shizuo." They left Shizuo to cry over his lover's mangled corpse.
A few minutes later, Shinra heard someone knocking on his door. "Celty you came back for me!" He opened it but it was just Anri and Simon. "Dammit. What are you guys doing here?"
"Sorry." Anri stabbed him in the chest. Simon used Shinra's lifeblood to draw a pentagram and placed his body in the center. Then he recited the words to open the portal to hell. They ran in and punched the guards in the face.
Izaya was in a tiny room with a tv. But there was no remote, so it was always on Fox News. His chair was too hard and he couldn't turn the air conditioner off no matter how cold he got, and someone upstairs was perpetually moving furniture around. The only food was room temperature, unseasoned potatoes. It was torture.
Suddenly Anri cut a big hole in the wall with Saika and dick punched Izaya. She then kicked him repeatedly in the torso and face.
"Why are you kicking me?!" Izaya cried.
"Because you're an asshole." Anri answered as she kicked him even harder. Then Simon came in and started to kick him too.
"Haven't I been through enough today?! I just want to watch the Disney channel!" He was sobbing and peeing himself now but they kept going because it was fun. After a few minutes Simon checked his watch.
"We must leave now or die."
Anri kicked Izaya one last time and followed Simon back to the quickly shrinking portal. They jumped through it dramatically and they were back in Shinra's apartment. They figured they should leave before the police arrived so Simon went back to Russia Sushi and Anri went back to Shizuo's hotel room to comfort the grieving widow, in the butt, with her penis.