Forever Waiting
A slender red-haired woman stood over the counter, silently washing the dishes. Not that there were many to wash, since it was just her in the house. Laying the wet utensils on the side to dry, she returned to the living room of the comfortable flat she was living in and turned on the TV. It wasn't that she wanted to watch it; rather, the silence in the room was deafening and she needed some sort of diversion to distract her from the fact that he wasn't here.
A heavy sigh escaped her lips as she collapsed onto a nearby chair. Stray papers, unmatched pen caps, and a variety of rubber bands and hairpins cluttered the dining table as Kairi swept a good part of the desk clean to work on her laptop. The children at the elementary school she worked at had set up emails today for class, and she was supposed to check if they all sent a test email from their new accounts. Her eyes boggled at the sight of 56 unread messages. And she promised to reply to all of them. Great. Maybe she could write some sort of generic response and reply all...? Nah, there were some smart kids in class, and they'd probably immediately point it out in class tomorrow, which would destroy the respect she earned from the children.
Running a hand through her thick red mane, she sat up straight in her chair and set herself to work. Clicking on Reply to the first student—a bright girl named Xion—Kairi traced her memories of conversations with said girl for things she could talk about in the email. There was something about her pet dog, maybe she could mention that. And the fact that Xion loved seashells. There was also something going on between her and another blond kid named Roxas in the class, but figuring she was still a child, Kairi chose to leave that topic out. Let the childhood innocence live on while it can. Well, then what else was there to write about...
Ding dong...
Strangely, the doorbell rang. Who was it at an hour like this? The clock hanging over the fireplace mantle told the redhead that it was nearing 11:00pm. She hadn't ordered pizza, and Riku had the keys to the house. Besides that, people usually called beforehand to tell her they were coming over. And seeing that she hadn't received any such message today, her curiosity piqued as she approached the door.
"Coming," she called out softly, approaching the door handle and twisting it to pull open the door. She frowned upon failing to catch sight of any personage, but curiously glanced at the bouquet of flowers lying on the doorsteps. She'd received flowers from many a "Secret Admirer" before (most of them were from boys in her class, which was very cute) but none of them were wilted flowers.
Suddenly, a voice echoed in the air. "Blizzara!"
A gush of cold wind rushed towards Kairi's direction, and her Keyblade instantly materialized in her hands out of self-defense. She covered her eyes with her hands while recoiling instinctively. After a moment of silence, she hesitantly opened her eyes and stared at the sight before her. The previously wilted flowers were now glowing a vibrant blue, an aquatic hue that seemed to hypnotize its viewers. Kairi's hand reached out to touch it but then drew back out of caution.
A light chuckle. The sound made the hairs on Kairi's neck stand up. It was the infuriating, mocking type of laughter that made you want to punch whoever laughed. Unfortunately, before she could pinpoint the location of said individual, another batch of flowers dropped from...well, seemingly what was the sky.
The voice spoke again. "Thundara!"
This time, an ear-piercing crack resonated throughout the air, making Kairi jump back and shrink to the ground in fear. Her fingers served as ineffective earplugs that barely kept out the terrifying sound. After another moment, Kairi looked up to see the new flowers now pulsing an electric yellow color. She could almost see lightning sparks leaping from petal to petal. The now incandescent flowers shined faintly in the night.
This time when the voice spoke, Kairi was slightly prepared. "Firaga!" She brought her hands to her eyes instinctively, protecting them from any possible smoke. The previous chill brought about by the light Blizzara spell was chased away by a searing heat seeping into Kairi's bones. The scorching air made it difficult-extremely hard-for her to catch her breath. Suddenly oxygen deprived, her eyes hazed over. Fortunately, her hands caught her torso before she collapsed onto the ground.
"Oh, shi—" The voice cut itself off as a figure came leaping down from above.
Kairi took a moment to recollect herself before looking up at the figure. The figure glossed over for a moment before becoming clearer. Familiar brown spikes, entrancing blue orbs, unblemished sun-kissed skin...was it really him? Could it really be him, after months of no contact, could it really be him coming back?
That one question continuously ran through her mind as she blacked out.
Her eyelids fluttered open, slowly taking in her surroundings. She was lying down, her eyes staring at the ceiling. Her room's ceiling. Correction: it was their room. At least it was supposed to be, though for recent nights she'd been the only occupant of the king-sized bed she was currently lying on.
Her memory immediately brought her back to the happenings before she'd fainted-she remembered seeing him, seeing him in all his glory, his familiar figure looming over her. Immediately, she sat right up and eyes darted around expectantly. The sudden motion caused her body to lurch for a moment, her eyesight temporarily going blurry. What was happening to her?
"Hakuna matata, means no worries, for the rest of your days..."
Her ears picked up an unfamiliar tune ringing through the air. Regaining her focus, she took caution while getting off the bed and setting her feet on the ground. She tiptoed quietly towards the half-opened door and gently pushed it open. Curiously, she peeked a head out of the room.
From her position, she could see him. It was him. She still couldn't believe it. Same untamed brown hair, same wide broad shoulders, same...it was her same love. He hadn't changed. Though she hadn't seen him for four months, he still looked the same and managed to stir up the same feelings at the bottom of her stomach.
He was singing the unfamiliar tune while mixing something in a saucer pan. Her eyes widened; could he cook? She remembered the last time he'd offered to help in the kitchen, he'd almost managed to burn down the whole place. Alright, maybe not that dramatic...but the boy couldn't cook for his life.
Worriedly, she wobbled forward only to get caught up by herself and trip over something on the floor. And so down she went, making a rather noticeable sound. It attracted the attention of the unsuspecting brown-haired chef, who in a split second immediately dropped the items in his hands and rushed over to the commotion.
"Kairi! Kairi, you okay?"
His voice...oh, it still sounded the same. She'd yearned to hear his voice for months, and finally she could. As his childhood friend, she could confidently say that his voice had never changed. It was always that rushed, childish, and slightly high-pitched (for a guy) voice that escaped his lips. Right now, it was laced with a hint of concern and anxiety. God, how long she'd wanted to hear him call her name.
"Kairi! Kairi?"
"...Sora?"
Her voice even startled herself. She hadn't...thought in her mind to speak his name. It was as if her lips had moved instinctively on their own. She raised her head to look at the sight of her man, the love of her life. And the very sight of him made her tense muscles relax.
"You scared me, Kairi. I thought you fainted again..."
There was so much going through her mind right now, so many emotions riveting through her veins. Obviously, there was joy—joy that her beloved was back in her arms after a four-month unannounced absence. Finally, she could hold him in her arms, hear his familiar voice, take in his handsome features, feel the touch of his calloused fingers on her...
"I missed you." She was pretty sure she'd cut him off from rambling about God-knows-what, but at the moment she didn't really care. All she wanted him to know was her pent-up feelings, those emotions stored at the bottom of her heart for the past four months. He didn't know what it was like, going through the days without his presence.
Sora smiled tenderly. "I missed you too."
Suddenly, unsuspecting emotions took over: sorrow, relief, anxiety, all bundled together and attacking the physically vulnerable redhead. Unable to control herself, the floodgates opened and fresh tears streamed out of her wide eyes. This sent the brown-haired Keyblade wielder in front of her into a panic as his hands reached towards her cheeks to wipe away the tears. "Kairi, don't cry! You know I hate seeing you cry!" he exclaimed.
That made her choke up. His comforting words only made her tear up even more. She didn't need him guilt-tripping her now, though she knew perfectly well he hadn't meant to guilt-trip her. He was just that type of person who always spoke his mind, who was always so forthright and direct with his thoughts.
She didn't want to make him hate her (or hate himself for making her cry, he'd insist), but everything was too much. Too many things were running through her mind. Sora's return, Sora's absence, the emails she still had to respond to, Xion's favorite color, whatever Sora had been trying to cook, Sora's smile, Sora, Sora...
So why was she crying? She herself didn't even know.
"Kairi?" Sora spoke hesitantly after awhile. "Kairi, you okay now?"
She cleared her throat, trying to regain her voice. "I—I'm f—fine," she blubbered. She couldn't speak anything else as her throat clamped up.
"Anyone can tell you're far from fine, Kairi," Sora said. He frowned, that adorable pout gracing his immaculate features. She wanted to reach out with her hands and pinch his cheeks until he smiled again, but she couldn't summon the energy to lift her hands and do so.
"J—just gim—gimme a home—ment," she spluttered. Her hands cupped her mouth, trying to stop herself from sobbing. Maybe if she held her breath, that'd help. Taking a deep breath of oxygen, she held it in her lungs. One...two...three...
Finally unable to survive without oxygen, she let out a breath. Fortunately, most of the tears and her ridiculous hiccupping had stopped. She turned towards Sora with a thin smile. "See? I'm fine now."
Sora was still frowning-slash-pouting. "Kairi, why were you crying?" he asked, his voice ever so considerate, always thinking for others.
She paused for a moment and really thought about his question. Why did she cry? Now that she thought about it, when was the last time she'd cried like this, so openly, leaving herself vulnerable to attack? Months ago. And why was that? Because someone wasn't here to protect her, to hold her while she cried, to rub her back soothingly and whisper sweet nothings to her ear until she eventually fell into a dreamless sleep.
Her violet eyes rested on the still curious boy squatting in front of her. Yes, it was his fault.
"You," she stated evenly. "You're the reason why I cried." Her voice was cold and indifferent, as if accusing a stranger of murder.
"What?" Sora squealed. "What did I do?" he asked, his eyes shining with honesty. She could tell he sincerely wanted to know what he'd done wrong.
The bottom of her lip quivered as she suppressed the urge to break into tears once more. His ignorance ignited a spark at the pit of her stomach. "You chose to take a vacation four months ago without even informing me beforehand!"
Sora's features immediately fell upon hearing the accusation. Though Kairi wanted to immediately withdraw her words just to keep that frown off his face, the anger bubbling in her abdomen was seeking for a venting outlet. And so she let it all out.
"Why is it always like this? Why is it that you're never here? Do you know how hard it is for me? Do you know what it feels like to wake up in the morning to a cold and empty bed, thinking about the warmth that had been in it the previous night and realizing that it's gone? Do you know how it feels?"
"Kairi—"
The more she spoke, the more hysteric she became. "No! You don't! And why? Because it's always you leaving! I'm always the one who has to wake up in the morning and find herself abandoned in this lonely house. I'm the one who has to order takeout every evening and tell the guy to cross out your portion since you're not gonna be home. I have to explain to the kids why Mister Sora can't come play with them these days because he's busy with work outside the islands! And I have to lie in bed alone, for at least two hours, before I fall asleep, terrorized by nightmares and ghastly images of what could be happening to you! Me! Me! Why is it always me, Sora? Have you ever thought about me?"
"Kairi, you know when the King has a mission, I can't just refuse it—"
"That's no excuse! Do you have any idea of the agony that curls up in your intestines? The type of pain that you want to wash away with anything—alcohol, drugs, sex—but can't, because you know that'd go against his morals?" She then paused and barked a bitter laugh. "And then you realize how pathetic you are, still clinging on to the very thing that'd caused you sorrow in the first place."
"But Kairi, the other worlds, they need someone to save them too—"
"I'm sick and tired of listening to this 'other worlds' crap! When will you realize that besides saving the world, you also have me to care for?"
A long, lengthy pause, as both their minds whirled with thoughts and words they wanted to say.
Suddenly, everything was so clear to Kairi. The reason for these mysterious absences.
"Kairi—"
"There's someone else, isn't there?" Her voice was as deadly as it could get.
"What?" Shock flashed through his eyes, and it might've been her imagination but Kairi swore she saw fear as well. "What are you talking about, Kairi?"
"You're seeing someone else, aren't you? There's another girl you visit every time you go on these supposed 'missions for the king.'" She even made the appropriate bunny ears for the quotation marks.
"Kairi, you know you're the only girl I'll ever love." His sweet words sent her hopeless romantic half swooning, but her anger kept her outer front in check.
"That explains it. Why you're always so eager to leave even after you come back. Why you never contact me while you're away. Why you insist on me not coming along on these adventures."
"Kairi." The tone of his voice changed from concern to what she sensed was patronization. "You know I would never, ever love another girl, much less cheat on you. When have I been eager to leave after coming back? That's just your imagination. I can't exactly contact you from another world, can I? And I've told you before: this is dangerous. I don't want you getting hurt, so that's why I don't bring you along."
"But that's the only explanation!" Kairi protested, though slowly breaking down. "That's...the only explanation..." She knew her argument was weak, but it was the only way she could justify her anger at him. Thinking so made it so much easier to hate him. Otherwise, she could only hate herself for getting mad at him for no reason.
"Kairi." The patronizing tone was gone and replaced by one of immeasurable love. "Kairi, look at me." His hands positioned themselves on her chin and forced her to look him in the eye. Ocean blue locked onto indigo violet, as the two lovers found themselves lost in the other's gaze.
"I love you," he stated, as if that was all he needed to say to clear up the situation. It took her mind a moment to process what he'd said, and before she knew it, he was leaning in for a kiss. Her mind immediately reverted into panic mode. Drawing back, she used her arms and all the force in her to push the stronger brunet away.
"No!" she exclaimed. "You can't just come back and expect me to let you off the hook with an 'I love you' and some really hot sex!"
A grin crept onto his face. "We haven't even kissed yet, and you're thinking of sex? Why, honey, all you had to do was ask."
Kairi's cheeks flushed a bright red. "Don't think you can change the topic so easily." She took a moment to get a grip of herself, remembering her previous emotions and thoughts.
Recollected, she looked at him calmly, almost apathetically. "Sora, it needs to change."
His features softened again. "What needs to change?"
Kairi gestured at the two of them. "This. Our relationship. It...it isn't working."
He frowned. "We're making it work. I know we both have busy lives, but we've been doing it, haven't we? It's worked for five years."
"It's never worked, Sora," Kairi said with a bitter smile. "It was just us never wanting to point out that it's always been falling apart."
"But Kairi!" Sora protested. "Are you saying you haven't loved me for the five years we've been officially together? And what about the years before that?"
"Sora, I can't deny that I love you. But I can't just live off your love. Please, I just need you to be here in this relationship."
"What do you mean? Why can't we be together just because we love each other?" Sora's questions were like those of a child asking why he couldn't be allowed thirty extra minutes on the gaming console.
"Sora, this is the real world. True love can only get two people so far. There are so many other factors..."
"But—I don't understand," Sora complained. "I thought...love was all we needed..."
"No!" A sudden bought of anger took over the usually calm redhead as she leaped up from her seated position. "No, Sora, love isn't it! I can love someone with all my heart, but what's the point of being with him if he doesn't reciprocate?"
"I do reciprocate!" Sora exclaimed, jumping up as well. His neck craned down to look at the petite red-haired girl. "I love you, Kairi, why can't you see?"
"When was the last time you've ever done something to show you love me, huh? You're never here!"
"What do you think I was trying to do in the kitchen just now? And what about all those flowers?"
"I was gonna ask about that! What were those flowers about?"
"It's flowers from one of the worlds, the Deep Jungle! They change colors according to what magic spell you cast on them! I just wanted to show you something exotic!"
"And yet you somehow made me faint in the process!"
"That wasn't on purpose! I used a stronger spell for the fire since I wanted the red to be...more vibrant. Cause that's the color of us, Kairi. Your hair. Our tighter than blood relationship. Our...love."
Silence. Pause. She could hear the ticks in the analog clock hanging above the mantle.
"I love you Kairi, I really do," Sora said earnestly. "And I'm sorry the flowers thing screwed up."
Kairi smiled. "Sora, I know you love me. And it's alright, about the flower thing." She paused for a moment and drew a deep breath. "But this isn't working. Us. I can't—it's hard to stay in a relationship with someone whose days of absence rival those of his presence."
Sora blinked. "Umm...what?" he asked slowly. The familiar dimwittedness made Kairi choke a laugh, relieving some of the tension in the air.
"You're away more than you're here," Kairi clarified. Sora nodded slowly, comprehending the redhead's words. Though significantly less tense, Kairi still trudged through with her words. "Sora, it really is hard for me. I'd give anything to be with you, and I know you'd do the same, but sometimes that just isn't enough. I need you. I know I sound like a brat, but I feel like those other worlds are taking you away from me. Sora, I'm losing you to them."
"Kairi, you know my heart—"
"Belongs to me and only me, I know." Kairi sighed helplessly. "But...it's too hard. It really is. Can you try to understand?"
"I am," Sora said seriously. A moment's pause later, he sighed.
"Kairi, I know it's hard for you, but I'll try, and I'll keep trying until—"
"No, no Sora," Kairi said, shaking her head. She took a moment to collect her thoughts together. "Sora, it's not about you. It's me. I'm—
"I'm a selfish person," she said evenly. "And don't bother covering up for me, because I know it myself. I'm a horribly selfish being. Remember those superhero comics we already read about as children? They go out saving the world during the day and return home in time for dinner. Then, when the next crime-busting mission comes, they tell their wives who are just so understanding about their husband's duties and leave her. Yet though she's been left alone, she's always smiling and supportive, only needing to know that he loves her to live.
"But I'm not that type of girl. I need your presence, Sora. I need to know you're there and that you'll be there for me if I'm suddenly in danger. I can't stand this...this hole that's in my heart every time you're away. It kills me, Sora. I love you with all my heart but...I guess I'm just a selfish person. I can't...I don't want to be forever waiting."
"Kairi..." Sora began hesitantly, but stopped himself, unsure of what to say.
"Please, Sora. Be here a little more often. Tell the King you're busy or something. He can't control your life, and I'm sure he'll understand. Ask Riku to do your missions, or let the King do them himself, I don't care. I don't want you away so often. Please, for me? Can you be with me a little more often?" Though she wanted more, Kairi knew it wouldn't be fair to give Sora a complete ultimatum between the fate of a few million lives and the love of his life. She couldn't be so cruel. She just wanted him to be by her side...more. Just a little more.
That was it. She wasn't being too greedy now, was she?
Sora then spoke up.
"Kairi, I'm sorry. I know...I'm not good enough for you, but I guess I thought trying would always be enough." Kairi's eyes widened—when did he think he wasn't good enough for her? She wasn't good enough for him! She didn't have the patience, the dedication, the trust for the love of her life...
"Don't cut me off, and using your words, don't bother covering up for me because we both know it. I'm not good enough. Your desires are normal, Kairi. Any girl would want a guy they could actually see everyday. I just...I guess I'm not normal." He chuckled nervously. "I thought that if I made up my absences with all these little acts of love—" he gestured towards the flowers now put together in a vase, and the cooking mess in the kitchen, "—I think that it would be alright, and my absences could be forgiven. But reality doesn't work that way, does it?" Sora smiled sadly at Kairi, who didn't have the courage nor the heart to say otherwise.
"Maybe this is it. Maybe this is as far as we go," Sora said, sorrow glossing over his crystal clear eyes. "Maybe...I never matched up. You deserve so much more than a guy who's away more than he's here, Kairi. I don't...I don't want to hold you down. Maybe...maybe we should..."
Her eyes widened. "Sora, no, wait, I—" She could tell where this was going. But no, this wasn't what she wanted! She just wanted him to be here more often. To be by her side some more. She didn't-didn't want...she didn't want to break up. She didn't want to be separated from him. She couldn't imagine life without Sora. She'd been living with him for all twenty-three years of her life. They'd taken the leap when they agreed to start a relationship. This was what she'd been afraid of back then: losing her best friend, her anchor in life.
Sora grinned thinly. "Kairi, you said it yourself just awhile ago. We...can't...it isn't working. I don't want to cause you so much pain. And I know it hurts now, but it'll get better. When I'm gone, you can...actually find the right guy for you. I've just been a huge rock in way of your future, blinding you from the bright possibilities."
Her mind whirled with the possibility of what was looming over their relationship. "Sora, no that's not what I...we can still—still try to...I can try...!" No, no, this was not what I wanted. I love you, and that's all that matters. I take back everything I said. Don't leave me, Sora. Don't leave me!
"Kairi, Kairi..." he whispered soothingly. He opened his arms expectantly and the miserable red-haired girl immediately launched herself into his arms. As he muttered words of comfort in her ear, the waterworks began again. To Kairi, it felt like the tears just kept on pouring out of her eyes. Subconsciously, she didn't want them to stop. She knew that if she kept on crying, Sora would keep on holding her. She didn't want him to let go. He couldn't let go. She couldn't imagine life without him. She suddenly regretted all the words she'd said. She could live with his absences. Definitely, she'd be able to live. She just...needed him...needed...him...
Before she knew it, the redhead had fallen asleep.
Kairi stirred in bed. It had been one of the most comfortable sleeps she'd had in awhile. For one, it was a dreamless, serene slumber, not plagued by unnecessary gruesome fears of her imaginative heart. For two, it was the first time in months she'd slept with Sora by her side. His presence made everything so much warmer, stronger, safer...
Her hands idly reached out towards her side to hold onto this man of wonder. Her mind didn't know to panic until she frantically whirled her hand around and realized no one was there.
Her body shot up and her hands ripped away the covers. Empty. Desolate. No one. Just the cold chill of the dawn hanging over the room.
Her mind reeled in fear and recalled everything from the previous night. They'd...they'd ended it, hadn't they? No, they couldn't have! She didn't want to! Sora would've listened to her, wouldn't he? He was holding her while telling her everything would be alright, and that...that...
And that everything would be alright when morning came...
Her eyes darted around the room. Leaping out of her bed, she dashed towards the closet and flung the doors open.
Just her dresses. Just her shirts. Just her socks and leggings and jackets.
No, no, this can't be happening... The same thought ran through her mind as she dashed towards the bathroom.
Just her face wash. Just her towel. None of his deodorant, his shaving cream, his mint-flavored toothpaste. Just her things.
Next, the living room. Most of it was the same, except the flowers he'd put in the vase yesterday were gone. The kitchen. The mess he'd made was cleaned up and the place was left dustless.
Terror and realization began creeping up from the back of her mind, but she refused to admit it. Anything but this. This could not be happening. He couldn't...he couldn't...
He can't be gone.
But everything in reality pointed otherwise. It was almost like...he'd never existed. All his things were, without a trace, gone from their house. The only proof he'd lived here was in Kairi's memories.
Her eyes then settled down on an unfamiliar item on her cluttered dining table. Approaching it, she took the item and note in her hands.
Her heart cracked. It was her Wayfinder.
Opening the note, she read what were the last words of Sora.
Dear Kairi,
I don't want to say anything unneeded, so here's your Wayfinder back. It's helped me find you all these years, but I guess I don't need finding you anymore. And I'm sorry you had to wake up to no one again. But that doesn't need to happen anymore. Love someone as much as you loved me. Make them see how lucky they are to be loved by you. Help them find the light in their life, like what you've done for me.
Love always,
Sora
As she read the words, she realized they were slowly disappearing. W—what was happening? Her eyes watched as the words dissolved into nothing. They were his last words! And now they were disappearing! After the last 'a' in Sora's name disappeared, Kairi was left with a blank piece of paper like any paper you could grab from her desk. He really left without a trace.
Her knees then gave way and she shrunk to the ground. She couldn't help it. How could she be so stupid and blind and ignorant and—and—how could she be so cruel, to both herself and Sora? This wasn't what she'd wanted. So much more guilt and sorrow pent up in her, unable to be released because this was all given to her by Sora, all, according to Sora, what she'd wanted. But no, she didn't want this! All this...this...pain...
She grabbed onto her Wayfinder and recalled fond memories of her childhood days with Sora. Things were easier back then. They were kids, led by hearts of innocence and curiosity for exploration. None of this saving worlds, or fate, or hearts, or even love... Maybe those blissful days of ignorance were better, even though she and Sora weren't romantically involved. At least...at least she had him back then.
Now what was she left with? Looking around the room, her eyes rested on all of her belongings scattered in the loft. She chuckled bitterly in her mind. Nothing. She was left with absolutely nothing.
Besides being left forever waiting for a love forever lost, never to return.
A/N: My first KH fanfic! Hopefully it was acceptable as my debut KH piece. You could consider this future IU, I suppose.
Anyways, I've always been struck by the idea of having someone like Sora as your lover. Of course, he's sweet and charming and cute as a boy can get, but being in love with him must be hard for someone (like Kairi) since he's away more than he's here, kicking Heartless butts all around the worlds. And I couldn't stand a boyfriend who was away more than he was here, regardless of my love for him. Just my thoughts regarding Kairi's position as Sora's lover.
There will be a follow-up chapter to make this less depressing, though it could be read as a stand-alone.
Comments? Questions? Please review!
-Snowy Dreams