Here is a little Christmasstory. It's written for the White Collar H/C Advent 2016. This originated from a promt from nywcgirl and azertynin, but took a life of it's own. The promt was: As usual, Neal helps Peter to find the perfect Christmas gift for Elizabeth. But he makes insane suggestions until Peter realizes that he is delirious from fever. Enjoy:
You do belong
Christmas was only a few days away now. Their case was finally over. They had been working on it for weeks and it had been long days and a lot of undercover for Neal. Peter actually felt kind of bad for the kid. Neal had been staying on the case more than anyone else at the bureau. Sometimes until early mornings since that was when their suspect did most of his work. So while the rest of the team was home asleep, Neal entertained their suspect until early mornings. Not that Neal complained. He called the man interesting. Peter failed to see that, but didn't say anything.
He knew that he probably should have forced Neal to go home once in a while, but Neal seemed to be able to work through it without any problems. And now they finally got the guy. He would be locked up for a long time and wasn't even aware as to how he had gotten caught. Neal's cover had been that good.
It was only Neal and Peter at the office at this time. Peter had allowed the rest of the team to head home. Neal had stayed with him and had declined Jones offer to drive him home.
"June is away. The house is empty and cold. I might as well stay here with Peter." He had slapped Peter's back at those words and Jones had laughed and wished them both a good night.
Peter had some paperwork to take care of before he could leave for the night. Neal was sitting opposite of him, playing some game on his phone. He was making small noises which he thought suited the game and didn't take notice of Peter's glares.
"Oh come on Neal!" Peter exclaimed about twenty minutes later. He had really tried with all he had not to get annoyed, but wasn't successful and he roared at Neal now making him jerk in surprise in his chair.
"What?"
"Stop making those noises it's driving me insane."
Neal just frowned his brow and sank down in a relaxing position again and looked at Peter like he actually had gone insane. But he did stopped with the noises. At least for a while.
Peter couldn't help but notice how Neal had started squirming in his chair and then he got up and started to pace around the room. At first Peter ignored him and continued reading, but then he couldn't help but notice that Neal was taking the same path, walking back and forth over and over again.
"What are you doing?" He asked after watching Neal making the same lap at least five times.
Neal looked at him and stopped. He looked a bit surprised as if he also wondered what he was doing.
"Sit down Neal." Peter told him and was surprised when Neal shrugged his shoulders and did what he was told.
"Fine…" He mumbled, sounding offended. "I was just thinking."
Peter rolled his eyes. Neal was expecting him to ask. So he did.
"Of what?"
"What you asked me before." Neal said as if Peter knew exactly what it was. Peter couldn't help but sigh. He was too tired for this.
"I have asked you a million things Neal. You have to be more specific."
"What you are going to get Elizabeth for Christmas, of course. You know it's only three days left right? It's awfully late to not have a gift thought out yet, Peter."
"Damn it. You are right." Peter tore his eyes away from his screen. "Is it really just three days?"
"Last time I checked."
"So you got all your gifts ready then?"
"Two weeks ago."
Peter sighed again. "I had completely forgot. I have just been too wrapped up in the case."
"You just keep forgetting the important stuff Peter." Neal declared. Peter did not appreciate to hear that, because maybe Neal had a point. He wanted to give Elizabeth something nice and meaningful to show her just how much she meant to him. Like the vacation they did a while back. Neal had helped him come to that idea about going away. Maybe he should give the kid a chance to do it again.
"So, what do you got?" He asked.
Neal looked at him, confused.
"What?"
"Suggestion on presents for El of course. What's with you?" Neal was acting weirder and weirder and he didn't like it.
"Oh…yes. I have some ideas." Neal said. "She likes art right. You should give her a painting."
"That's all you got. I'm not giving her a painting."
"What's wrong with a painting? That's an excellent gift!"
"Are you giving her a painting Neal?"
"Maybe..." Neal didn't look at him, instead he glanced up at the ceiling as if he saw something really interesting up there.
"Did you forge it?" Peter smirked.
"Replicate, that's a better word."
Peter just shook his head. "No, I need something else."
"Yeah, I don't think she would appreciate a painting from you." Neal nodded to himself. "No one would. Or maybe your mother. Mother's always like their kids paintings. Most mothers at least." He added.
"What are you talking about? Can we get back to Elizabeth here? And I'm not going to give my mother a painting either."
"Okay. Sure."
Peter closed his laptop and focused more of his attention on Neal. This was important after all. Elizabeth always gave him great and thoughtful gifts. Even though sometimes it was something that was useful to have in the household.
"You know what Peter, you should absolutely get her one of those pillows that is formed like an arm. You know, she can use it in bed when you are working late."
"What? No, that's a terrible gift. Here hon, I won't be home until late, but use this arm-pillow. I don't think she would like that Neal."
"Oh…" If Peter didn't know better Neal looked truly disappointed.
"What else do you got? Maybe some activity…" Peter mused. The pillow idea was truly terrible. He looked at his watch. Maybe Neal had a point. Yet again it was after dinner time. Was Elizabeth lonely? Before he got any further on those thoughts Neal spoke again.
"Yeah! I know where you should take her." Neal started enthusiastically. "There is this museum in SOHO, I have never been. It's not really a museum though, more like one single piece of art. Basically it's a room and it's filled with dirt. That's all there is. Isn't that amazing?"
Peter stared at Neal at this suggestion. What had gotten into him? Elizabeth would never want to do that. Look at dirt.
"Neal… I think I have to do better than just dirt. Besides that's ridiculous who would want to see that?"
"Oh, okay… Well, you could always take her to the Morbid Anatomy museum, that's better than dirt. I have been there, it's within my radius. People get buried in dirt, and this is before that happens."
Peter grimaced. "Why on earth did you go there?"
"I have been to all of the museums within my radius."
Peter believed him.
"Well, I'm not taking Elizabeth t something with a bit more life to it."
Neal nodded thoughtfully. "More life, more life." He mumbled to himself and wiped his brow. Peter couldn't understand what had gotten into him. He was just about to say something when Neal shot up, startling Peter in his seat.
"I know what you should do Peter, you should go with El to the museum of sex, it's hard to find more life than that."
"Wow… slow down a second Neal." Peter watched how he swayed where he was standing. "Sit down Neal." He looked at him sternly until Neal did just that.
"I'm not taking my wife to a sex museum. What's wrong with you? You keep throwing out these insane suggestions. Arm-pillows, dirt…"
"It's not insane. They are good. You said you wanted something special."
"Nice special, not crazy."
Neal looked sad. "I thought you would like it." He mumbled, more to himself than to Peter. Then suddenly he dejectedly put his arms down in front of him on the table and rested his head against them.
Peter stared at him. What was he doing? Neal was acting so irrational and unlike himself. When he thought about it, Neal had been acting weird all night. Suddenly a thought hit him and leaned forward and reached out a hand to touch Neal's forehead. His forehead was really warm. He was burning up!
"Neal! You are sick!" He exclaimed. "So that's what's going on with you. You are delirious."
"What, no. I'm not sick." Neal swatted his hand away and sat up again. "I'm not sick. I don't get sick Peter. You know that."
"Don't be stupid Neal, everyone get sick."
"No, no. I can't be sick."
"Too bad, because you are. Come on, we are done here. I'm taking you home."
Peter stood up and gathered his things, but when he turned back to Neal again he hadn't moved an inch. He just sat there, looking straight forward out the window.
"Neal?" He didn't react so Peter tried again, but it was like he was lost in his own world. Peter carefully put a hand on his shoulder as to not startle him too much. Neal slowly turned his head and looked up at him. He shook his head a little and looked away.
"I think I will just stay here Peter, if that's okay."
"No, it's not. Come on Neal, it's almost Christmas. The both of us should be home and enjoy some well-deserved free time."
Neal shook his head again. He didn't speak for a while though, but Peter waited.
"You should go." Neal said then. "Elizabeth is probably waiting for you."
"Yes, she is. And you are making me even more late. Let's go."
"Just go to her then Peter. I'll just take a cab."
"Neal, stop arguing. I'm not letting you take a cab while you are sick." He stepped forward and manhandled Neal out of the chair. However he was surprised when Neal fought him, and slipped away.
"I want to stay here. I don't want to go home." He said, his eyes darting around the room looking everywhere but at Peter. And Peter couldn't believe that he hadn't noticed that Neal was sick earlier. Apparently his fever was high enough to make him act this much out of character. It was a bit worrying. Why didn't Neal want to go home?
"Why not Neal?" He asked.
"It's dark and lonely. It isn't that here." Neal answered truthfully and wiped his forehead yet again.
"Yeah, June is away?"
Neal nodded.
"What about Mozzie?"
"He said that he was going to stay away for a while. He didn't want to catch what I have."
Peter couldn't believe Neal let himself slip up like that. "And what do you have?" He asked and watched as Neal realized what he had said. Immediately he claimed it was nothing.
"How about you come with me? I guess you could stay on the couch for the night."
Neal stared at him with wide eyes. "Really?" He said.
"Yeah, why not."
"Thank you Peter." Neal smiled again and in a second he was back to his normal self. Not this honest, sad looking person Peter didn't know existed inside of Neal. Neal started to walk towards the door only to tumble into the door way. "Oops." He stepped to the right and made it out of the office on his second try.
Peter decided to keep a closer eye on him.
They made it down to the car without other further incidents. The trip seemed to have drained Neal of energy because he fell asleep before they even made it out of the garage.
Peter looked over at him as he drove. Neal didn't look so good at all now. He was pale and sweaty, and twisted a bit in his sleep now and again.
Traffic was good and they made it to Peter's house in a decent time. Peter parked the car as close to the house as he could and turned to wake Neal. Just staying his name hadn't helped.
Neal jerked awake when Peter shook his shoulder and he looked around with a frantic expression.
"Hey, it's okay Neal. We are here."
"What? Where?" Neal was panting and his eyes widely darted from Peter and out of the window. He shook his head. "No…"
"What do you mean no? Let's just go inside, have some dinner and then you can sleep again."
"I...I can't." Neal said.
"Sure you can. It's just one foot after the other. It's easy." Peter unbuckled himself and grabbed his briefcase from the backseat. Neal didn't made any attempt of getting out. He was holding on the seat with both hands and was staring out the window.
"Come on Neal." Peter encouraged. What was going on in Neal's mind? He thought it best to just play it nice. "It's okay."
Neal shook his head.
"I bet Elizabeth is waiting for us. I texted her that we were on our way. We thought we would decorate the Christmas tree tonight."
"Really?" Neal asked and looked into Peter's eyes. He looked sad. "I have never done that." He whispered.
Peter looked at him and felt something tug inside him. Neal had never decorated a Christmas tree?
"Not even when you were a kid?"
"Especially not then." Neal looked down on his lap. He was shivering a bit. The car was turned off and it was quite cold outside.
"Well, you get to tonight, if you want."
Neal looked up at him then, and something resembling hope shone in his eyes. He then looked back towards the house and the light in his eyes disappeared. What he said next tore even more at Peter's insides.
"No, I can't go in there Peter. I don't belong." He sounded so sad and lost. Peter had never heard him like that before. Neal never showed himself this vulnerable to anyone. He always had a wall up around himself and rarely let it fall. Now however, exhausted and with a high fever it was like he wasn't even aware that it had completely shattered.
Peter got out of the car and came around to Neal's side. Neal flinched as he opened the door. He looked up at Peter with something that looked like fear in his eyes, and Peter had no idea what he might be fearing.
"You do belong." He said. "We want you here. I want you here." He held out a hand towards Neal, and after a moment of hesitation the younger man grabbed it. Peter made to pull him out, but Neal got nowhere.
"The seatbelt Neal. The seatbelt."
"Oh."
-NEAL-
He didn't know how he could be so stupid as to forget to open his seatbelt. He looked like a fool in front of Peter now. That wasn't nice.
He felt weird. He knew it was the fever. He had felt it for a few days now. It wouldn't stop. The fever wouldn't go away, it just got worse. Of course it probably didn't help that he had been working practically all the time. Mozzie pointed that out to him before he left for places unknown.
"You have to give your body a break Neal. Otherwise you will never get healthy."
"I can't do that right now Mozzie, we are in the middle of a case. Peter needs me on this."
It hadn't been the right thing to say. Mozzie probably got offended by it because he wished Neal a merry Christmas and a happy new year and said that they would see each other again next year. He planned a long vacation. Besides Mozzie didn't like the hectic atmosphere of the city during Christmas. His words, not Neal's.
He had been so relieved when the case was over. By then he really felt bad. His head was all fuzzy and he was so tired that it felt like he could drop down and sleep right on the floor. He didn't do that though. Instead he followed Peter back to the bureau. He didn't want to go home. June wasn't at home either. It meant that he was looking a very lonely Christmas. They didn't have to work for several days, and he would be spending all of them alone. He didn't look forward to that.
The house was cold as well, as the staff had turned off the heating to save some money. The radiators in his apartment didn't really do the trick.
But here he was, walking behind Peter towards his and Elizabeth's house. He was going to get to stay at Peter's tonight. He didn't know why but he felt close to tears as he thought about it. He was so grateful. Peter had said that he did belong. It was almost overwhelming. He had to bit his lips to force down the tears that stupidly wanted to rise in his eyes. Peter would think he was crazy if he started crying just because Peter had said that he belonged, and that he got to stay.
Now he just had to play his cards right and not screw up. He couldn't screw up because then Peter would take him away again. He wouldn't belong anymore. He was afraid. He was good at screwing up. The thought of that made him want to cry even more. What if he did something wrong and Peter didn't want him there anymore.
Christmas was a hard time a year. It made him see all the things in his life that he didn't have. He didn't have a family for one. That was one of his deepest regrets. But his life choices had lead him to this and he only had himself to blame.
He had Peter though, and Elizabeth. It was just that sometimes it felt like they didn't really want him around. Not truly. He was just someone that was a part of Peter's job. He came along as a bonus or something. And mostly when he came over to Peter and Elizabeth's house it was because he invited himself in, not from them asking him to come.
Elizabeth were smiling when she meet them in the hallway. "Hey honey, hi Neal." She said and took Peter's coat. Neal smiled back and struggled with his own coat. His arms were stuck and for some unexplainable reason he felt panic surge up inside him.
"Here. I'll pull." Peter said, and the next moment his coat was out of sight. He stumbled a little and stood in the living room, unsure of what to do. There was a Christmas tree standing in a corner of the room with a couple of boxes beside it which probably contained whatever that was going up in the tree.
"Neal is sick, hon. Do you think we could have some soup or something for dinner? Or did you already eat?"
"Oh no… Are you sick?" Elizabeth came up to him, and he fought the urge of backing away as she felt his forehead.
"Sure I have some soap I can heat up. And no, I didn't eat yet. I was waiting for you."
She turned back to Neal again after talking to Peter. They didn't involve him at all in the dinner plans.
"Why don't you go and sit down, and Peter would give you some pills and a glass of water to start with."
He did what she asked without a word. He hadn't said a word since he stepped inside. He felt wrong and out of place. It was unexpected but he felt like he shouldn't be here, like he was tainting the place with his mere presence. But all he wished for was to belong here. To feel like he truly did belong. He didn't know why he didn't, because nothing Peter and El had done had suggested otherwise.
"Why are you still standing there?" Peter suddenly asked from behind him. "Sit down Neal." He sounded kind. Neal did what he asked.
"How are you feeling?" Peter asked after Neal put down the glass of water Peter had given him.
"Okay." He said.
"Yeah…" Peter said and sounded like he didn't believe him at all. But Neal was used to that. To not be believed.
"You don't look so good Neal."
"I'm fine Peter."
"You don't have to pretend anymore." Peter said. What was he talking about? Didn't he know that if Neal didn't pretend, if he stopped pretending Peter wouldn't like him anymore? Peter probably wouldn't want anything else to do with him. No one would. He just had to pretend, he didn't know anything else.
He chose to not answer Peter.
"There will be a while before dinner is ready, but El said that we could just relax in here."
´Neal nodded and they sat in silence for a while until Neal couldn't take it any longer.
"Nice tree." He said.
"Yep." Peter said. "We picked it out last weekend, but haven't had the time to decorate it yet." Peter leaned forward from his place next to Neal on the couch. "I see El has already put a few presents there."
Neal nodded.
"You know, one year El got me a vacuum cleaner. She had insisted on wrapping it. The box was so big that it didn't fit underneath the tree. She kept it in a closet. I almost fell and broke my leg on it when I went in there to get my boots."
Neal was only listing with one ear. His mind kept getting away from him. Christmas presents. Peter was talking about Christmas presents. Neal had bought presents for Peter, El, Mozzie and June this year, as well as a couple of June's grandkids. They were all waiting in his apartment though. He didn't know when he would have the change to give them to their owners.
He looked over at Peter.
"Are you getting me something?" he asked.
"No, I'm not. Elizabeth is enough."
Peter answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world. And Neal guessed that he was right. Why would he get Neal a present? He hadn't done anything to deserve one, but still, he felt more disappointed than he should.
Neal didn't say anything as a response but sensed Peter looking at him. Neal was staring down at the floor. Peter said his name. He didn't react. "Neal?" Peter said again. But Neal still didn't react. He couldn't make himself to do so.
Peter leaned forward and shook his shoulder a bit. "Hey, Neal. What is it?"
Neal looked up at him then and Peter looked a bit surprised. Probably because he had some trouble concealing his feelings. What was going on with him? "I won't get any presents." He mumbled before being able to stop himself and had to look away from Peter again. "It's just sometimes I wish…"
He didn't finish his sentence, so Peter did it for him. "That you had chosen another path in life. Yes, Neal, sometimes I wish that too for you."
Neal nodded once. "Yeah…" Peter was right. He wasn't a good person. He hadn't been a nice boy. It was only them who got presents. Normally he was able to brush this stuff off, but for some reason he couldn't do that today.
Not so much else was said after that until El came and announced that dinner was ready. Peter and Neal joined El at the kitchen table. Neal's world was spinning when he sat down after the short walk over to the table. It felt like he was leaning towards the right, even though he knew that he was sitting straight up.
He wasn't hungry at all and just stirred his soup around in the bowl.
"You are not feeling so great, are you?" El asked him. "You don't look so good, honey." She said calmly.
"Oh, he is just fine." Peter said before he had the change to do so himself. He chose to look down in the soup instead of adding anything.
"Peter." El said. She sounded annoyed. "Don't mind him. How are you doing Neal?" She asked and he had to look at her. She was always so nice to him. He didn't know why. He had to tell her the truth.
"I don't feel so good. I'm a bit dizzy."
"Oh, so when she asks." Peter muttered. Elizabeth ignored him.
"Oh no, do you want to go and lay down? I can make you some tea."
He did so, and Elizabeth came with the tea when she and Peter had finished their meal.
"Thank you. Thank you El. For letting me stay as well. I know that you didn't want to…"
"What are you talking about? Not want to? You are always welcome here Neal."
He wanted to believe her so badly it hurt. She patted his arm and walked away.
Neal couldn't understand what was going on with him. He felt so different, like he wasn't in control of himself. He wanted Elizabeth to come back. He wanted her to tell him that everything would be okay, because right now he felt like it wasn't, even though he was on Peter's and Elizabeth's couch and just been given tea. He sipped at it. It was too hot to drink yet. He closed his eyes for a minute, but woke up disoriented from moment close to him. He opened his eyes and saw that Peter was sitting in front of him.
"Hey." Peter said.
"Hey." Neal answered.
"Did I wake you?"
Neal just shrugged.
"El sent me to look after you. She is doing laundry."
Neal didn't know what he was going to do with that information so he just nodded. It turned out to be a bad idea, because it caused his head to throb. His tea was cold. He felt worse than before. He was sweating and his body felt uncomfortable. He twisted on the couch, wishing he had other clothes than his suit. Peter were just sitting there looking at him. He closed his eyes again and actually felt comforted of the thought that Peter was there.
He was shaken awake. It was Peter and Neal felt panicked. His first thought was that Peter was mad at him for falling asleep, and now he wanted him to leave. He looked up at Peter and tried to calm his breathing.
"Woah, hey Neal. It's okay. It's just me." Peter said.
"I know."
"Okay, good. You still feel really warm. Can you sit up for me for a second?"
When Neal did he saw that El was standing behind Peter. She looked worried.
"I have a change of clothes here for you, and El will make up a bed for you. Can you make it to the bathroom?" Peter said.
"Yeah. I can. Thanks."
It wasn't a nice experience to walk up the stairs, and he almost wished that he had said no. Peter was lurking behind him though, probably making sure he didn't went somewhere else than in the bathroom.
When made it downstairs again the couch with fresh sheets was waiting for him. Soft Christmas music was playing from the speakers and he could hear El singing along from the kitchen.
Neal wished for a second that time would stop. He wanted to have it like this for ever. It felt like home. He swallowed thickly, suddenly a lump in his throat. He wanted to be a part of this life so badly. He had nothing like this waiting for him. Only an anklet and an empty house. He was close to tears again. It must be the fever that messed with his head. This wasn't him. He grinded his teeth together and sat down.
Peter came after him and went to turn off the music.
"No, leave it on." Neal stopped him.
"Are you sure? It's obnoxious. I could never sleep to this."
"It's nice."
"Fine."
Peter had a newspaper with him and made himself comfortable in one of the chairs.
"You should go to sleep Neal. You will feel better in the morning."
"No, I don't want to sleep. I'm not that tired Peter."
Neal couldn't help but glance over towards the Christmas tree. The lump made itself known again. He didn't know why he wanted to decorate the tree that badly.
"You are going to sleep Neal. It wasn't a suggestion. You are running a high fever."
"But no, you said that I could help you decorate the Christmas tree. I want to do that with you guys. You said I could." He felt tears involuntary rise in his eyes. He was just so disappointed because he knew that he had lost already. It wasn't going to happen.
"Neal, I know I said you could do that, but that was before you got this sick. You can barely stand up."
"Yes I can." Neal said in a small voice. He could manage. Sick or not.
"Well, it's not happening."
Neal didn't look up. He had known that already. Of course it wasn't happening. He wanted to argue with Peter, he wanted to yell at him. He wanted to scream that it wasn't fair and that Peter didn't know how he was feeling. But he didn't do those things. Instead he just sat there on the couch looking down and trying not to let the tears fall. He felt like he wanted to just let go. But he couldn't. So instead he laid down on the couch and pulled the blanket El had put there over him. He turned his back towards Peter and buried his face down into the pillow.
He stayed like that. Quiet and unmoving until he heard Peter sigh and stand up and walk away. He let the tears fall then. He tried not stay as silent and still as he could. He couldn't let them know how upset he was. He barely knew why he felt like this anyway. Maybe he was just too tired. The fever was messing him up.
He heard Peter and Elizabeth talk in the kitchen. Then he heard them coming out into the living room again. He forced himself to breath in and out in an attempt to feign sleep. They walked up the stairs without saying anything to him.
He let go a little then. Allowed his body to shake like it wanted to. His chest was heaving as he silently cried. He wanted them to come back. Why would they leave him like this? Why couldn't they have stayed a little longer? He cried himself to sleep.
-PETER-
Peter wasn't really comfortable with leaving Neal alone down there, but hopefully he would stay asleep during the night. Neal really needed sleep. The case had been exhausting and Neal had apparently been ill at least a few days of it. Without Peter noticing. He would have a hard time forgiving himself for that. Neal was his responsibility. He was the one that had to keep Neal safe and sound. He didn't want to be the person that forced Neal to work even though he wasn't feeling well. He wished Neal had said something, but understood why he hadn't. Neal had managed to do an excellent job, even though he was sick, so why would he mention it? Neal knew that he was good and he also knew that Peter had counted on him with this case. Neal knew that if he had told Peter that he was sick, Peter would have taken him off the case, and they would have lost it. So Neal kept quiet.
Apparently he was pretty ill. He had just picked in his food, had barely spoken, walked so unsteadily that Peter felt forced to follow behind him up the stairs just to make sure he didn't fall.
Then Neal hadn't want to go to sleep even though he looked like he was about to pass out at any minute. Peter was actually worried and wondered if he maybe would be forced to take Neal to a hospital if it got any worse than this.
Neal had been going on about decorating the Christmas tree as if that was the only thing that mattered to him. He had looked devastated when Peter told him no, it was like he couldn't conceal any of his emotions. The normal, or the healthy Neal, would have just smiled and taken it. He wouldn't have shown disappointment. But this Neal did, and it made Peter feel sorry for him.
"He is pretty sick, isn't he?" El was saying from the closet were she was changing.
"Yeah. He is. I was thinking about having to take him to a doctor."
"Maybe we should if he is the same by tomorrow. As for now I think he is fine, hon."
Peter nodded thoughtfully, and El crawled down in bed beside him.
"It's okay to be worried, Peter. I am too. We should probably cheek on him during the night. To be on the safe side."
"I was thinking the same." Peter agreed.
They said good night after that and Peter put his alarm clock to ring in three hours. He fell asleep quickly after that.
He woke up before the alarm rang. At first he didn't know from what, but then he realized that it was from Neal's screams. He was up and rushing down the stairs in seconds. What was happening? Was Neal being attacked? He didn't have his gun! But he didn't need to worry about that, because when he came down and into the living room Neal was sitting up straight, panting and looking around him widely. His eyes widened as he saw Peter.
"Peter." He said in a small voice and Peter made his way over to him, removing Satchmo in the process before he started barking.
Neal wasn't making much sense when Peter asked him what happened. He looked lost in thought. Peter knew that something was not right with Neal. He had never seen him like this before. He was shaking like a leaf and had tears in his eyes. He didn't seem to know that though, but it got Peter very worried. When Peter turned on a light next to the couch he noticed that Neal's face was flushed and he was drenched in sweat.
Neal wasn't able to give any reasonable answers on any of his questions, just whispered that he was sorry. Peter didn't know for what.
He tried to reassure Neal that everything was fine, but it was like the kid didn't listen. He looked so sad, so upset. Like nothing would ever make him happy again. And Peter couldn't understand where that was coming from. Was this how Neal really felt? It got him worried, more worried than he had already been.
He tried to reassure him, he really did, but he wasn't good at it. He felt useless at in fact. But as soon as he said that Neal didn't have to go back to sleep if he didn't want to Neal relaxed a bit. He kept looking up at him with big watery eyes though. Then Neal asked if he was going to go.
"Na… I think I will just stay up a bit. I'm not really that tired anymore." He sat down in front of Neal. He had no plans on leaving any time soon. They had left a few pills on the coffee table and Neal had a glass of water there as well. He told Neal to take the pills and surprisingly he did exactly what he said.
The longer time that passed the more agitated Neal seemed to get. He twisted on the couch and kept looking over at Peter. All Peter wanted to do was to take away that pained look he wore on his face. What happened after wasn't much better. Neal was rambling and Peter had a hard time follow with all the twists and turns that only made sense in Neal's mind. If even there? Peter just hoped he got through to Neal. He was exhausted by the time he got back to El in his own bed, hours later.
-NEAL-
Neal thought that he had been screaming. That was what woke him up. He had been dreaming. As soon as he opened his eyes the horrors of the dream faded, but the feeling stayed with him. He shot upright and looked around him. Where was he? What was going on? Why was everything moving?
He was on a couch. Peter's couch. He remembered when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Oh no, he had woken up Peter. Satchmo was also there, but Peter pushed him away as he got closer.
"Neal? Neal, what's going on? What happened?" Peter looked disheveled and worried. Neal just looked at him. Peter sat down on the edge of the couch next to Neal.
"Hey…" He whispered. "What is it? You're shaking." He put a hand on Neal's arm when he said that, and left it there. Neal looked at it and then up at Peter. But he didn't know what to say. He felt stupid. He had to say something.
"I…I…I was..." He didn't know what. "I don't know." He whispered. "Sorry."
He was stupid. He had woken Peter up for nothing. He was probably pissed at him now, and he would leave and go back to Elizabeth. He needed to say something to make Peter stay. But he didn't know what. He searched his mind for something, anything that would make sense to Peter. But he came up empty.
"Okay." Peter was saying. "You want to try and go back to sleep?"
Neal's heart sank. He didn't want that at all. He shook his head. "No, Peter."
"Okay Neal. You don't have to."
"Are you going to go?" Neal asked. He needed to know. If Peter said yes he would have to come up with something, anything that made him stay. Because he didn't want to be alone. Lying wasn't out of the question. Luckily he didn't have too because Peter said he would stay a bit. He wasn't that tired, he said. Then he asked Neal to take some pills, so he did. He couldn't piss Peter off by refusing. He would leave then.
Peter was still sitting there next to him though, but he could leave at any minute. Maybe if Neal just asked him he wouldn't go.
"Can you stay Peter?"
Peter looked at him and smiled. He said he would, but Neal needed to make sure. "Really you will? I would really appreciate it you know, Peter. I…I'll, I'll do whatever you want. I'll be quiet if you want. I know that you don't always like it when I talk. I won't say a word."
"Neal…"
"You can watch TV maybe, I won't bother you." He continued.
"Neal, I already told you that I would stay."
"Yeah, but for how long? I don't want you to leave. I don't."
"Neal, I'm not, okay."
"But how can I be sure? I know you don't like me, but I just thought that maybe if you could stay here for a little while. Just until I…I am whole again."
"What do you mean whole? And I do like you Neal."
"It's Christmas Peter, you are supposed to be nice on Christmas. I know that, and I'm really trying you know. I'm trying a lot. I bought you a gift Peter."
"That's nice Neal."
"I bought it, I didn't steal it, I promise."
"Yeah, I believe you. And I can always do a check of your credit card." Peter laughed a little.
"Yeah, you can." Neal tried to assure him. "But can you wait though?"
"I'm not going to check your card Neal."
"Oh…okay."
"You will have to wait until after Christmas though, I don't have it here. It will be a bit late. I hope that's okay?"
"Yeah, that's fine Neal."
Neal breathed out in relief. That was really good. Peter wouldn't be mad at him. He really didn't want Peter to get mad at him, or disappointed. What if he threw Neal out? He needed to tell him not to.
"Peter, I know you get mad at me all the time, but please don't throw me out, okay?"
"What? What are you talking about Neal? I'm not throwing you out. And I don't get mad at you all the time."
"I keep screwing up, but just this once, can I stay here a bit longer?"
"Yes, of course Neal, you can stay…"
"Because I don't feel well Peter. I feel really bad."
"Yeah, you have a pretty high fever, buddy. I'd never threw you out when you are this sick."
"Yeah, I want to stay here." Neal whispered. "It's always so nice here. I really like to be here. I wished you liked me more, so that you would want me here."
"Neal…" Peter whispered.
"I want to belong here too." Neal said. He knew that Peter was looking at him, but he couldn't look back.
"You do Neal." Peter was saying. "You do. And of course I like you."
Neal looked him now and tried to understand it, and to believe it. He felt so lost. He was so warm and his head hurt. A lot. Everything hurt. He didn't know if Peter was really here and saying these things. A thought hit him. What if he was dreaming? What if it all was just a dream? Would Peter really say that he belonged in his house? He had never expressed something like that before. It wasn't like Peter. It made him sad to realize that this probably wasn't real. That lump from before made itself known. He didn't know what to do anymore. He couldn't understand why. He always knew what to do. Why didn't he now?
He turned away from Peter. He couldn't face his disappointment. He just wanted Peter to be nice to him. He wished that he could get to spend Christmas with Peter and Elizabeth. He wanted to decorate the Christmas tree with them, he wanted to open presents even though he wouldn't get any. That was okay. No one ever got him a gift anyway. Not for Christmases and not for his birthdays either. He was used to that. But maybe Elizabeth would like the painting he had made her. He even had a gift for Satchmo.
Nothing of that was going to happen though, because he didn't belong here. He didn't deserve any of that, he knew that. But it still hurt. He only had himself to blame. It was his own fault that he would be alone this Christmas as well. Even in prison it had been better, because there he hadn't been alone.
He was alone now. He wished with all he had that he wasn't. He wished that Kate was still alive. He wished he hadn't… done a lot of things wrong. He didn't know when he had started to cry. But now sobs were rising within him and he let them. It felt better. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. Oh god, he had forgotten that Peter was there. He immediately tried to stop, because what was he doing?
But it didn't work. "No, no, no." He whispered to himself.
"Neal, hey Neal…it's okay. Don't be sad. It's okay." Peter quietly said as he stroke Neal's arm. "Don't worry buddy. No one is throwing you out. Everything is okay."
"No…" Neal whispered again. He didn't seem to be able to stop. He couldn't do anything right. And Peter stopped. He removed his arm and Neal broke. At least for a second.
He sat up and turned to towards Peter. "No, Peter no. Please." He said.
Peter looked shocked and was holding both his hands up as if he was trying to calm Neal down. "Don't go Peter. I'm sorry." He babbled out. And then he was crying again. Just sitting there.
Peter sighed then and Neal told him that he was sorry again. Peter got up then and knew that he had lost. It just was what it was. Of course Peter didn't want to stay here when he was behaving like this.
But Peter came towards him instead of walking away. He sat down next to Neal, and then he put his arms around Neal and pulled him towards him in a hug. After a few seconds Neal allowed himself to relax. Peter wasn't letting him go. He held his arms around Neal, almost a bit tighter. Neal brought up his own arms and clung to Peter with all he had. He didn't want Peter to let go. He couldn't remember the last time someone had actually hugged him to make him feel better. It made him cry more.
He didn't know how long they sat like this. Peter were whispering things to him sometimes. He said that things were okay, and that he was safe, and that Neal was just a little sick. Peter said it would be better in the morning.
Eventually Neal believed him. He fell asleep sometime after that.
-PETER-
Elizabeth woke Peter up the next morning.
"You have been sleeping a long time." She told him. "I thought maybe it was time to get up, have some breakfast?"
"Eh…sure." Peter rubbed his eyes. "Did you check on Neal?"
"Yes I did. He is still sleeping. I think his fever has gone down a bit. He looks better."
"Oh, thank god for that." Peter sighed.
"How was he last night?" Elizabeth asked.
"He was pretty delirious. He wanted me to stay with him. He was afraid that I would make him leave. He told me that he wanted to stay. He wanted to belong." Peter sighed. "He broke down…"
"Oh."
"Yeah, I know. I have never seen him like that. I never thought he would say something like that."
"Not me either."
"I think he feels lonely, he's becoming aware of the things he doesn't have or haven't done."
"Like what?"
"He said he had never decorated a Christmas tree, he seemed really excited about doing it with us, so I thought we could wait until he is better…"
"Of course we can."
"He also said that he wouldn't get any presents."
"You told him that we have a few for him right?"
"Eh…That might have slipped my mind."
"Peter." El hit him lightly on the arm, smiling, but Peter still felt guilty. Why hadn't he? It was an easy thing to say, and it would have made Neal happy. Peter didn't know now why he would deny Neal that feeling. The feeling of that he actually had someone who care enough to think of him during the holidays.
They talked a while longer agreeing on what to do next. They would let Neal be for a while. They went down stairs together after that. El was right, Neal did look better. He wasn't as flushed as before and looked to be sleeping comfortably. Peter and El started with breakfast and debated a bit whether they should wake Neal or not, deciding on letting him sleep. He didn't wake up until two hours later. They greeted him a good morning, and offered him some breakfast.
Neal was still too quiet for Peter's liking and didn't really look at him. Maybe he was embarrassed about last night. Peter wasn't so he brought it up.
"So how are you feeling?"
"Better, thanks."
"That's good. About yesterday, Neal…"
"Oh please Peter, let's not talk about that ever." Neal did blush a bit.
"It's okay buddy. I don't want you to be ashamed about that. Your fever was pretty high."
"Yeah, I know. Sorry."
"No need for apologies. You were sick."
"Okay, but can I thank you then?"
"Thank me?"
"Yeah. You were there." Neal said quietly.
"I was Neal."
"And thank you for that. I know you didn't need to, but it meant a lot to me. I mean, you even hugged me." Neal gave him a weak smile.
"Yeah, you looked like you needed a hug." Peter said, and squirmed a bit. It felt a bit weird to talk like this with Neal. "I was kind of hoping you wouldn't remember."
"I wish I wasn't." Neal groaned. "Sorry."
"It's okay."
"Yeah but still…" Neal didn't finish the sentence and Peter didn't want to push this conversation any further. Instead he reach forward and felt Neal's forehead.
"Still a bit too warm." He announced. Elizabeth was soon there with more water and pills and after eating something Neal fell asleep again. When Neal woke again, Peter and El decided now was a good time to have a talk with Neal.
-NEAL-
He still felt embarrassed when he woke up for the second time. He had been having trouble with meeting Peter's eyes earlier, even though Peter assured him that it things were fine they didn't feel like they were. He was doing better now. Sure it was nice to not be delirious and feel like he didn't have any control what so ever, but it also meant that he no longer had a reason for staying over at Peter's house. He almost felt inclined to fake illness, but knew he couldn't.
Neal watched as Peter and Elizabeth came walking towards him and he struggled to sit up. He knew that they wanted to have some sort of serious conversation with him now, but he wasn't sure that he wanted to have that. His brain was still a bit fuzzy. He wasn't sure he would be able to handle it the way he wanted.
"Neal. Peter and I want's to ask you something." El said.
Neal nodded. "Okay."
"Would you like to stay here during all of Christmas? We could decorate the tree tonight. Peter mentioned that you wanted to do that." El said. Neal stared at her for a moment trying to grasp what she just had asked him. They wanted him to stay?
Neal once more felt tears rise in his eyes. Because he did remember the feeling he had had last night, the feeling of despair and loneliness. This time he didn't bother to try and stop them from falling. Was she serious? She looked serious. Peter did too, also a bit uncomfortable and worried.
"Do you really mean that?" He got out.
"Of course honey. So what do you say?"
"I could stay here?" He just had to get it confirmed. He wouldn't have to leave?
"Of course. You are family Neal. You do belong here." Peter said.
Neal smiled as a few tears made it down his cheek. He wiped them away.
"I'd love that. Thank you guys." He said, and Elizabeth wiped her eyes as well.
"Oh Neal." She leaned forward and pulled him into a hug. He hesitantly hugged her back, and when she didn't let go he allowed himself to relax against her. Her shoulder were getting a bit wet, and he held on to her harder. As they hugged he felt the lump he had had inside him resolve slowly and when they let go, it was gone.
Peter reached forward and squeezed his shoulder a bit. They looked at each other and Peter nodded and smiled at him. Neal smiled back. How could he have doubted Peter and Elizabeth? It was going to be okay now. He belonged.
-PETER-
Neal had gone to sleep after their little talk. He had seemed genuinely happy. Happy about getting to spend Christmas with them. Peter couldn't help but smile when he looked over towards his friend. He and El were sitting at the table, drinking coffee. El had a book in front of her. She looked up.
"What are you smiling about?"
"Did I tell you how I figured out that he was sick?"
"No."
"We were talking about your Christmas present. He kept coming with these insane suggestions."
"That's how you knew?" They both laughed a little.
"You know, he suggested that I should take you to SOHO to look at dirt."
"Oh," El smiled. "I have heard of that. Actually, I wouldn't mind going. It sounds interesting."
"You want to go and look at dirt?" Peter stared at her in disbelief.
Elizabeth gave him a smile before she looked over towards Neal on the couch. He was still out like a light.
"Maybe Neal wants to come as well." She suggested.
Peter smiled back at her and followed her gaze.
"Yeah, he's never been."
THE END