AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was going to make this Chapter Two of my last Choni fic, "Whatever it Takes" but I thought this would be better as a sequel. This is based off the song "Ghostin" by Ariana Grande. Shoutout and credit to Brooke and Bridget for most of this fic coming from conversations we've had about Choni. Anyway, trigger warning for mentions of suicide, rape, miscarriages and (drug/alcohol) abuse.
"Jason's a ghost. I'm right here. You love me," Toni says to Cheryl in the most vulnerable tone of voice that the taller girl has ever heard her use.
"I'm sorry, Toni. I do love you..." Cheryl replies emotionally, tears streaming down her face "... but I've loved Jason my whole life," she adds as she turns to walk away before she can hurt Toni any further.
Too late...
Cheryl chose Jason over Toni... but what did that mean for her and the pink-haired girl? Were they broken up? Was Toni moving out (even though she had nowhere else to go)? She wasn't sure. All she was sure of was that she shouldn't have walked away from Toni in the locker room and that she really needed to talk to her.
Suddenly remembering that Toni was suicidal after their break up, the Blossom girl fears the worst when she returns to Thistlehouse later that day. After almost stumbling out of her car, the redhead makes a beeline into the house and towards her (and Toni's) room... only to discover that the shorter girl isn't there. She does, however, find a note... written in Toni's handwriting... that was left on their made up bed. Hesistantly picking up the piece of paper, Cheryl begins to read:
Dear Cheryl,
I love you SO much but I just can't do this anymore. You promised me that you were going to come and talk to someone with me... meaning a therapist... but instead, you went and got yourself involved with a cult. I just want to know... why? Did I not love you enough? Is that why you joined? I know I've only known you for a year or so... and you've known Jason your whole life... but I was absolutely devastated when you picked him over me. Then I almost did exactly what I promised NOT to do... I was going to push my feelings (about your decision) down to comfort you by saying that there had to be another way and that we could figure it out... but then you walked away before I even got the chance. When you told me you had to pick between me or your brother... I already knew who you picked. He's your brother... your TWIN brother... of course you were going to pick him over me. I tried putting myself in your shoes and thought that maybe I would choose someone else over you, too... and then I stopped and remembered that I have no one else that I could choose over you, Cheryl... even if I wanted to. I'm so utterly devoted to you and know how much it would hurt you if I chose another person. But put yourself in my shoes Cheryl... imagine having the love of your life look you in the eyes and tell you that she loves and cares more about and chooses a dead person over you. I don't know... I guess I just stupidly (and selfishly) hoped that my love was stronger than Jason's. I mean, he left you behind to be with Polly; KNOWING how you were treated at home and used you to do so. Jason chose Polly over you but you chose Jason over me... I wanted a little distance because I felt overwhelmed and now you're just going to make me a second and third choice? And The Farm, Cheryl... their only intention of having you is manipulation and weird cult shit. I'm your girlfriend... the girl you love... who has done nothing but save you from yourself and other people and has given you endless support and love... and you chose a hallucination of a dead person and a cult over me. I know you were brainwashed (which was NOT your fault) and I know how hard it must've been for you to make that choice and to be put in such a difficult position but it just hurts that you were willing to give me up. I know part of you is fully aware that Jason isn't alive. When I tried to convince you he was dead and asked you if you hugged him recently, your smile faltered and you paused before (obviously) lying and saying yes. You know deep down he's gone but you'd still rather hold on to the hallucination of your brother and leave your girlfriend who has done so much for you. I love you more than anything, Cheryl but I feel like your love for me has boundaries... and that you don't put me first but I don't care about anything but you, at this point. I just feel like I love you more than you love me. I wasn't good enough for my parents (they used and abused me and preferred drugs and alcohol over me), my uncle HATED me for who I was (and tried to "turn me straight" on numerous occasions)... he wasn't any better than my parents, I'm not even sure if my grandpa even knows I exist (after what happened with my parents, he kind of distanced himself from me and didn't seem to care at all about how my uncle... his son... was treating me), the Serpents could care less (they didn't even notice... never mind cared... when I got kidnapped by the Ghoulies and not a single one of them spoke up for me when Jughead kicked me out) and you don't want me either (that was made clear today). I really have no one other than you, Cheryl... you're all I have left. I just felt so alone after you walked away. I had just lost everyone in my entire life because they didn't deem me good enough to keep around. If you care to know where I am, I'm at the bridge between the northside and the southside. Last time I was here, I contemplated jumping but then I thought of how I couldn't just leave you here alone after what happened with Jason. But you have "Jason" now... so you're not alone. I need you Cheryl, but you don't need me anymore. I just want you to know, that I didn't give up on you, Cheryl... I could never give up on you; I gave up on myself. I'm sorry I wasn't what you (or anyone else) needed me to be.
Love, Toni
After reading Toni's suicide note, Cheryl's heart is pounding so loudly in her ears, but nothing else seems to matter to her except getting to Toni... she just hopes that she's not too late. Cheryl races out of Thistlehouse and into her car, making it to the the bridge between the northside and the southside in record time. She was amazed that she made it without crashing, considering her clouded vision for the whole drive. Luckily there was hardly anyone else on the road at the time. And now here she was, brain foggy and eyes flooded as she spots a small figure standing on the side of the bridge... past the barrier.
"Toni!" she shouts, panic and worry gripping her for the pink haired girl that's dangerously close to her death.
At the sound of Cheryl's voice, Toni turns to face her with a look that can only be described as "defeated". Cheryl lets out a muffled cry at the sight.
The smaller girl doesn't say anything... she's too busy thinking about how all the abuse, trauma and heartbreak she had endured will all be swept away in a few minutes.
"Don't do it, TT! I love you!" Cheryl screams hysterically as she runs hard towards her girlfriend.
But her words come a little too late... Toni jumps as a profound ache lands inside Cheryl's chest and a howling wail of anguish rocks through her. She did this to her... to her TT... the only thing that made her feel whole, worthy and sane.
The bridge isn't that high... Cheryl prays that the jump (or the impact) doesn't kill Toni. Only one way to find out... Cheryl doesn't even hesitate as she runs into Sweetwater River... the same place where she came to end her life... to save Toni's life. Toni saved her in every way that a person can be saved; it was time for Cheryl to return the favor.
Cheryl feels like the water breaks whatever spell The Farm had on her; of course Jason wasn't alive... she saw his dead body. She doesn't want a repeat of that to happen with Toni so she dives under the freezing cold water to pull up her tiny girlfriend as she struggles to bring them back to shore.
She gently places Toni on the ground as she looks for any injuries and checks her vitals. The side of Toni's head is bleeding, so the redhead assumes that she must've hit it on a rock. Cheryl also notices a trail of blood coming from in between Toni's legs. Cheryl just went down on her last night and Toni's period wasn't supposed to come for another two weeks... so she doesn't have a possible explanation for that.
The former Serpent still has a pulse... it's very weak... but it's there. Cheryl administers CPR and after what feels like an eternity, Toni coughs up water but she remains unconscious. Cheryl grabs her phone out of her pocket... hoping that it still works after being submerged in Sweetwater River. Thankfully, it does and Cheryl calls 911 as she cradles Toni's almost lifeless body in her lap. Her head is bent over Toni's, her whole body shaking from the force of her anguish. The redhead clings to Toni as her sobs grow hard. She holds onto her as tight as she dares without hurting her further. Not even when Jason died had she lost herself like this. And so she sits, near the place where she came to take her own life, and holds the one bright light in her entire world as she waits for the ambulance to come. When the ambulance arrives, she pulls away, her breath still shuddering, tears unceasing, and presses one last kiss on Toni's head.
Seeing Toni so small and helpless is hard for Cheryl to witness... her girlfriend is laid up in bed wearing a hospital gown that looks way too big on her tiny frame. She's got a cast on her arm and her leg, her head is covered in a bandage and she has tubes and needles everywhere. Toni is terrified of needles so Cheryl's sort of glad that she's unconscious.
The redhead is trying to get comfortable in the chair she's sitting in next to Toni's bed as the door opens loudly.
"Hello, My name is Dr. Hadley. I'll be taking care of Miss Topaz," says a woman who looks to be in her thirties.
"Is she going to be okay?" Cheryl croaks out.
"It depends, of course, on how she heals. Miss Topaz-" she starts.
"Toni," Cheryl finishes.
"I'm sorry, Toni... cracked her head open and she has a mild concussion. Her right wrist is fractured and her left ankle is broken. It also appears that she had a miscarriage... she was three weeks pregnant," the doctor finishes slowly.
After hearing the words "miscarriage" and "pregnant"... in regards to her Toni... Cheryl suddenly sits up straight and her grip on Toni's hand tightens.
"Miscarriage? No... that's impossible. I'm her girlfriend..." Cheryl says vehemently as her voice trails off. Cheryl knows the doctor isn't lying because she saw proof of it earlier when blood was coming from in between Toni's legs.
As much as Cheryl wished it was possible, she knew her strap didn't knock her girlfriend up. But Toni was three weeks pregnant? That's how long ago her and Cheryl broke up. Even though they weren't together at the time and although the redhead practically accused Toni of cheating with Veronica ... she knows Toni wasn't with anyone else when they were apart. There's no way that Toni knew she was pregnant either; if she consensually got pregnant, then she wouldn't have jumped off that bridge. No... Toni was sexually assaulted. Based on what Toni said that night when Cheryl found her crying in the bathtub and from what she said in her suicide note, Cheryl knows for a FACT that it had to have been her uncle. Her throat tightened at the thought. Toni would've never been raped or have gotten pregnant if Cheryl hadn't had kicked her out and left Toni no choice but to go back to living with him.
This isn't how it was supposed to be; her and Toni were going to go to Highsmith College together; then once they graduated, they would get married and Cheryl would become Mrs. Topaz. Then when they decided that they were ready to have kids, Toni would be the pregnant one... whether they used her egg or Cheryl's... and Cheryl was going to be the anxious mom/wife, making Toni take her vitamins, getting her all the food she wants, making her sit everywhere, asking about any pain, going to every single doctor's appointment while Toni rolls her eyes and has to reassure her. But now... those plans might not come to fruition. She has no idea what Toni's mental state is going to be like once she wakes up; she might not be the same girl that Cheryl fell in love with... and that scares her.
After seeing the horrified look on Cheryl's face, Dr. Hadley asks her if there was a chance that Toni was sexually assaulted.
Cheryl nods her head 'yes' and even though she's 99% sure that it was Toni's uncle who did it; she really doesn't have any proof and Toni's still unconscious so she can't exactly confirm or deny that, either.
"As soon as Toni wakes up and she's ready to talk about it, then we can start pressing charges," Dr. Hadley says softly. She then explains to Cheryl the treatment for Toni's miscarriage; she had a dilation and curettage (D&C) procedure done and she also tells her that the common side effects include cramping, spotting or light bleeding.
Cheryl just nods numbly as she removes her hand from Toni's and places both of her hands near her temples. She has no idea what the doctor is saying... the only things that she is hearing are that her girlfriend is alive and that they're going to get Toni justice for what her uncle did to her... that's all she really cares about.
Cheryl's grateful for everything that Dr. Hadley has done for Toni but she just wants her to leave already so she can have a minute to really take in everything that has happened in the last 24 hours... but Dr. Hadley is still here and she has even more to say:
"Since Toni attempted suicide, once she's medically stable enough, she'll have to be transferred to the psychiatric ward. It's here in the hospital but just on a different floor," she says solemnly.
"H-how l-long d-does s-she h-have t-to s-stay th-there?" Cheryl stutters out. She hasn't stopped crying since she read Toni's note and she's not sure if she'll ever stop crying... even when Toni wakes up.
"We'll have to keep her for at least 72 hours," she answers.
"A-and t-then w-what?" Cheryl asks nervously. Although she wants Toni to get better, she doesn't want her girlfriend to spend the rest of her life stuck in a mental hospital... Cheryl wants Toni to spend the rest of her life by her side.
"That all depends on her," the doctor says gently with a nod of her head towards Toni. "I know you must be blaming yourself but it's not your fault, Cheryl... it's Toni's fault. You saved her life, just remember that," she says honestly while she adds: "We'll take care of her but in the meantime, you take care of yourself," she pauses. "Please ring the call button when she wakes up."
Once Dr. Hadley leaves, Cheryl finally allows the wave of tears she's been holding back, fall. She's gasping and grappling for air but as soon as she goes to grab Toni's hand again, she suddenly stops crying. Feeling Toni's small warm hand in hers is just a reminder that her girlfriend is still here and that's enough to dry Cheryl's tears.
The first time Cheryl witnessed Toni having a nightmare, she sang to her as she held her through the nightmare and ever since then... that always seemed to calm Toni down and put her at ease. So Cheryl starts to sing, in hopes that it will make Toni feel better this time around, too:
I know you hear me when I cry
I try to hold it in the night
While you're sleepin' next to me
But it's your arms that I need this time (This time)
Look at the cards that we've been dealt
If you were anybody else
Probably wouldn't last a day
Every tear's a rain parade from hell (From hell)
Baby, you do it so well
You been so understanding, you been so good
And I'm puttin' you through more than one ever should
And I'm hating myself 'cause you don't want to
Admit that it hurts you
I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again
Over him, mmh
I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again
'Stead of ghostin' him
We'll get through this, we'll get past this, I'm a girl with
A whole lot of baggage
But I love you, we'll get past this, I'm a girl with
A whole lot of baggage, yeah
Though I wish he were here instead
Don't want that living in your head
He just comes to visit me
When I'm dreaming every now and then (And then)
And after all that we been through (And after all that we been through)
There's so much to look forward to
What was done and what was said
Leave it all here in this bed with you (With you)
Baby, you do it so well
You been so understanding, you been so good
And I'm puttin' you through more than one ever should
And I'm hating myself 'cause you don't want to
Admit that it hurts you, baby
I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again
Over him, mmh
I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again
'Stead of ghostin' him
We'll get through this, we'll get past this, I'm a girl with
A whole lot of baggage
But I love you, we'll get past this, I'm a girl with
A whole lot of baggage, yeah
"I would be empty without you, Toni. You know that, don't you?" Cheryl asks quietly... even though she knows she's not going to get a response... as she rubs her thumb over the back of Toni's hand.
Cheryl can't stop thinking about that look on Toni's face right as she was about to jump and as she was actually jumping; those are images that Cheryl knows will haunt her every time she closes her eyes. She'll always love Jason but she needs to accept the fact that he's gone. Cheryl might've lost Jason but Toni's not gone yet; Cheryl is beyond grateful that she has... not a second.. but a third chance at making things right with Toni. The redhead really needs to step up her girlfriend game... she may look at Toni like she loves her but she hasn't been treating Toni like she loves her lately and that really needs to change. She just found Toni but she's been so close to losing her several times since then. Cheryl can't keep making Toni feel this way... she deserves better. Her TT is worthy of life and all that it has to offer. They will get past this.