/With this story I have officialy ascended to the Writers' Pantheon, among J. R. R. Tolkien, H. P. Lovecraft and many others. Mom, are you proud of me now?/
Sarajevo, 9:11 PM. Ruby entered the tomb of an ancient celtic queen. Within it, a great relic from the past is said to wait for its owner's successor.
Deep inside the tomb, Ruby had to avoid several dangerous traps and fight countless giant bats, but she managed to get through it. Then she saw it.
"Finally…" Ruby gasped. "The Ancient Necklace!"
Ruby grabbed the necklace and examined it closer. It was far more beautiful that she ever imagined.
Then, the worst happened. Behind Ruby, her nemesis appeared, together with a few henchmen.
"Hey Ruby…" he said.
"Naruto Uzumaki?!" Ruby screamed. "I thought you died back then in Argentina!"
Naruto chuckled. "Well… you might say I didn't necessarily come out of there in one piece…"
Ruby spotted that Naruto has lost his left ear.
"You had me good back there, I'll give you that." Naruto waved his hand at his henchmen.
Ruby backed out to the corner of the chamber, holding the necklace behind her, as Naruto's henchmen got closer, pointing their guns at her.
"I see you found the Necklace… brilliant!"
Naruto laughed. "You were always one step ahead of me, Ruby…"
Ruby gulped. "Thanks, I learned from the best."
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Ah, I remember. Heh, how could I forget. Your mother…"
"Don't you dare talk about my mother, you piece of shit!"
One of the henchmen hit Ruby with a rifle, and she rolled on the floor. The Necklace rolled on the floor away from Ruby.
"Aren't you a mouthy one!" Naruto giggled sinisterly. "Your mother was supposedly the best archeologist in the world… bunch of bullshit. She took everything away from me."
Smile vanished from Naruto's face as he began his monologue.
"I was supposed to find the crown of the first king of Nigeria… heh, I spent ten years analyzing ancient manuscripts, research notes, I travelled all around the world…"
Ruby was still lying on the floor, as Naruto's henchmen were still aiming at her. However, they didn't see her right hand. She tried to reach her right pocket very slowly.
"Can you believe it? Two weeks. Hahahaha… Two weeks was enough for her to collect her own data. TWO. FUCKING. WEEKS!"
Naruto was going apeshit with his monologue, which gave Ruby the opportunity to save herself somehow. She just needed him to approach her. Knowing Naruto, he was sure to do that.
"She boasted about it in the papers… saying that it was 'easy' to put all the pieces together. Fucking bullshit! While I was almost at the finish line of my research, she had already found the crown."
Naruto screamed in rage. His scream echoed throughout the entire tomb.
"She made me look like an amateur! My entire career, my lifetime's biggest achievement, years of planning! She took everything from me…"
Naruto took a deep breath and looked at Ruby. He calmed down and started approaching her slowly.
"… so I took everything from her as well. And now I'm here, and she's not."
Naruto crouched by Ruby's head and looked her in the eyes.
"In the end, little girl, I'm on top. And you're at the bottom. Just like your mother. You're gonna die here the same way she did. But before that, tell me… did you really think you could outsmart the greatest archeologist in the world, Naruto Uzumaki?"
Ruby looked Naruto in the eyes and smiled.
"You're a retard, lmao."
Before Naruto could react, Ruby quickly grabbed a knife from her pocked and pointed it at Naruto's throat, swiftly grabbing him from behind. Naruto's henchmen were too slow to react, and now their boss was held hostage by Ruby.
"Drop your guns, now!" she shouted.
They didn't listen.
Naruto gulped. "Do as she says."
The henchmen unwillingly dropped their weapons on the ground.
Ruby took out a gun from Naruto's holster and shoved him into his henchmen. They grabbed him, and now Ruby was pointing Naruto's gun at him.
"Now I'm the one in charge." She said.
"Don't hurt yourself, girl…" Naruto said slowly. "Let's not get carried away here."
"Shut the fuck up!" Ruby shouted and unlocked the gun, pointing at Naruto's face.
Ruby glanced quickly around the floor of the chamber and spotted the necklace she dropped earlier.
"I'm going to pick up the necklace now, stay where you are!" Ruby ordered.
"Chill… you can pick it up if you want…" Naruto replied.
Ruby reached her hand towards the necklace, but in the very brief moment when Ruby's eyes weren't focused on the enemy, Naruto took out a second gun from his side pocket. Ruby realized it right away and aimed at Naruto, but his aim was quicker. He shot at the gun Ruby was holding, knocking it out of her hand.
"You're not the only one who has a trick up their sleeve, little girl." Naruto chuckled.
Ruby was shocked to see how quickly Naruto was able to grab another weapon and shoot it with perfect accuracy. She realized that if he wanted, he could have avoided her knife attack before. He was just playing with her.
"Go ahead." Naruto said, smirking. "Pick up that necklace. You wanted to pick it up, right?"
Him and his henchmen laughed like that was the best joke they've heard in their entire life.
"You can even wear it if you want! I'm sure it will look great on you… when I pierce your skull with a bullet."
It seemed like the end for Ruby. But… this was her plan all along.
"Hey, 'greatest archeologist in the world'. Are you even aware of this necklace's true origins?"
Naruto got intrigued. "What even is that question? Of course I am. It's the necklace of an ancient celtic queen. A true jewelry masterpiece."
Ruby shook her head slowly. "That ain't it, man."
Ruby looked at the necklace, then glanced at confused Naruto.
"You said I'd look great in this necklace."
"I'm sure anyone would look great in it. But especially such a young beauty like you. Shame I will have to end you. Did you decide you want to wear it? I can grant you that wish."
"Thank you."
Ruby slowly put the necklace on. Meanwhile, Naruto was still thinking what Ruby meant when she asked the question about the necklace's origins.
When the necklace settled on Ruby's neck, she was infused with power. Naruto was stunned
"What's happening?!" he shoutued, and then a shockwave from Ruby's new power threw him back.
Ruby slowly walked towards her enemy. Naruto's henchmen ran away, and their boss tried to run too, but Ruby kicked him in the leg when he tried to get up.
"What the fuck?!" Naruto panicked. "My research was perfect! There was not a single sign that the necklace contained a power like that!"
Ruby laughed. "Because it doesn't!"
"?"
"That shockwave was just a normal shockwave jutsu I learned in the Hidden Mist Village back in the day. I just used up all of my chakra to empower its magnitude."
"But… why use all of your chakra?"
"I used the empowered jutsu the moment I put the necklace on, to make it seem like the necklace contains an immense power. I wanted to make you think that you can't beat me when I'm wearing the necklace… and it worked, your henchmen ran away."
Naruto was shocked to hear that he was tricked like that, but then he smiled.
"So you're telling me that you've used up all of your chakra? How do you expect to beat me now that you've done it?!"
Naruto then got up quikly, but right away he fell down on the floor, rolling in pain.
"I'm not gonna need any more chakra to deal with you." Ruby said.
Naruto's ankle was twisted. When Ruby kicked him after the shockwave.
He couldn't get up and Ruby could just finish him off.
"Naruto Uzumaki." Ruby said. "Imma let you in on a secret… the necklace does contain great power within… but not the kind of power you'd think."
"Huh?!" Naruto growled, still in pain.
"This necklace is in fact the ancient Necklace of Facesitting. It provides the wearer with the power to facesit."
"Dafuq?!"
"The first Celtic queen was a BDSM enthusiast, and before she died, she infused her favorite necklace with her power, hoping that someone in the future will use it to do some great facesitting."
"That doesn't make any sense!" Naruto frowned. "What kind of power is that?! And how do you even know that? My notes…"
"Your notes are shit." Ruby interrupted him. "You made a critical mistake by assuming that research and notes are absolute."
"?!"
"Sometimes you find crucial information in unexpected places… like the gate that led to this tomb. Before I entered, I read the ancient runes engraved on the gate, and it said that the queen really liked BDSM, which made everything clear."
Naruto stared at Ruby with pain.
"So I…"
"When you followed me to this place, you saw the gate was open, so you rushed down here in excitement, skipping an important piece of information. In the end, you're a big fucking faggot, and I'm the real deal here."
Naruto started crying.
"I was blinded by the vision of a great future as the best archeologist in the world… I just wanted fame and money… I should've been more cautious."
Ruby looked at him with sympathy "You know, 'The goal is not what's most important, it's…"
"… the journey that counts." Naruto finished. "Your mother kept saying that during interviews… I never understood what she meant. Now it makes sense."
He took a deep breath and lied comfortably on the floor of the chamber.
"In the end, I was an idiot all this time, and she was right all along."
Ruby stared at him, a guy who was robbed of everything, who realized he's been a fool for all of his life. She wanted to show compassion. However…
"You killed my mother, Naruto." Ruby said slowly. "I will never forgive you."
Naruto sighed. "So… this is the end for me, huh? The worst archeologist the world has ever known is going to meet his end in a dark, dank tomb."
"Far from it."
"?"
"I'm going to give you a lesson you will never forget."
"Huh?"
"You think I would just kill you? No." Ruby sighed. "I'm not like you."
Naruto stared at Ruby, stupefied. "But… I killed your mother!"
"I know. So I'm going to punish you, and you will keep this lesson in your mind for the rest of your life."
Ruby then activated the necklace's power.
"Heh… I can't wait." Naruto sighed.
Next day…
Naruto Uzumaki was found unconscious on a park bench by a police officer. He confessed to all of his crimes, including the murder of Ruby Rose's mother.
Ruby travelled back home, to put the necklace on a special pedestal in a collection room.
"One more for you, mom." She said while putting the necklace on the pedestal. She glanced around the room and all the relics she found so far.
Her boyfriend, Biggie Smalls entered the room.
"How you feel, honey?" he asked.
"I'm contemplating." Ruby replied.
"I see. I always liked this room. Even though I never travel with you, it's still incredible."
Ruby blushed. "Thank you."
"My favorite's gotta be the Diamond Ass!" Biggie chuckled grabbing the relic. "You said it was difficult to obtain it, right?"
"Heh… yeah, it was. Not as difficult as the Scroll of Ass over here…"
Ruby approached the scroll, smiling.
Biggie noticed there was an empty pedestal next to the scroll.
"Hey, the note here says "Temple of Anal". You were there, right?"
"Yes… ugh."
"There weren't any treasures inside?"
"Yup. Big fat zero. Worst adventure I ever had."
Biggie clapped his hands and smiled.
"So? What's next? You've got any ideas?" he asked enthusiastically.
Ruby looked at him and cackled.
"I think I do have one idea." She said.
For the rest of the day, Ruby was using the Necklace of Facesitting to perform… facesitting, on Biggie Smalls OwO.
The End
/On the second thought, don't read this mom./