my love is building a building
around you,a frail slippery
house,a strong fragile house
(beginning at the singular beginning
of your smile)
ee cummings
singular beginning
Kate tips forward off of the swing seat, landing hard on her knees against the gravel.
And then she's crawling around to face him and shoving the damn swing out of the way and it's messy and uncoordinated and so much them that she wants to laugh.
She clutches at his lapel, takes a heaving breath that she knows can't possibly be enough to fuel all her questions. And he's trembling now, his whole body channelling towards the ring so it's just that one gorgeous, gorgeous object that she keeps focusing on with the hazy mass of his frame behind it.
"Are you doing this for the right reasons?" She grits out, swaying so hard her body lists into him and he hooks his free hand at her waist to keep her close.
"I love you. I want you to marry me. What more reasons are there?"
Kate shakes her head at that, words pouring from her in a rush so she can get to the one she has to say. "You're not doing this as a way to keep me here? Or because you feel like it's just the right thing for us to do? Or because you're scared you'll lose me otherwise?"
"No, Kate. No. I love you. I want you to be my wife. I just want you."
He chokes, and Kate sees the rush of full and expectant hope in his eyes start to recede, faster and faster like a sucking tide. But she can't.
This is what they do.
Cover over the broken open places, the festering sores, with declarations she's not sure they even mean half the time.
"But Rick, we can't even communicate. You remember, at the start of this how we were upfront with each other? But we don't have that anymore. We just gloss over it. What kind of foundation for a marriage is that?"
"Is this. . .are you saying no?" He stares at her, starting to sit back on his heels, and she presses a fierce and bruising kiss to his mouth to keep him with her.
"This is me saying not yet. We're not ready for this yet, Castle. We have to work out our issues, not just paper over them." Kate clutches at the rise of his shoulders, bowing her head to settle at his chin.
She does want to marry him. She does. Just. . .not like this.
"Kate. Kate please." He's crumbling around her, his body a cove that the wave of her crashes into over and over.
She cradles his ears, imagines the rush of the ocean there. "Castle. I'm not saying no. I do want to marry you. But I want to give us a fighting chance."
He growls at her, coming in to catch her lip in his teeth, and she gives it right back to him. Here, in the middle of the damn park, and they're building a fortress around one another.
"We have a chance. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't think we do."
Kate grits her teeth, knowing it's not fair of her but somehow entirely unable to help it. "You've done this before, Castle. Proposed because you thought it was the right thing to do. Not because you really wanted it."
"Do you hear what I'm saying, Kate? Whatever happens, whatever you choose. If you choose to be a homicide detective until you retire or if you choose to take the job in DC, I want to be with you. I want to be your husband."
That gets her. She sinks down and he follows, still clutching at her. "Castle. Oh God. Castle."
"Do you hear me? I want you. Marry me. Not today, not tomorrow. But someday. Marry me."
And that's better than before. It felt almost clinical before, Castle unable to even meet her eyes past the iron grip of nerves and despair. Steeling himself against it. And she doesn't want that. She wants this. The hot wash of his fierce love at her cheek, his fingers branding at her ribcage.
"Castle." Kate cradles his cheeks against her palms, kissing him wet and messy and desperate. "Let's take the summer. Build ourselves something strong. And then in the fall-"
"I'll ask you again." He grits out, nodding. She manages a tremulous smile for him and it breaks open the shell of their love so everything else rushes in, the press of the gravel against her knees and the swing seat nudging at her spine over and over.
Kate gets to her feet, slowly, her frame aching with the receding wave of adrenaline. She'd thought for one apocalyptic moment that he wanted more than her. And instead, he'd shown her forever.
She extends a hand for him and he takes it, letting her help him up. He's got the ring clutched in his other fist still and she strokes her fingers over the back of his hand until he blossoms like spring, handing it to her.
Her engagement ring.
"It's beautiful, Rick." She slides her fingers inside his jacket, her knuckles making clattering half-music over the xylophone of his ribs as she slips the ring back into his pocket. "Keep it safe for me. You're going to need it soon."
"Yeah. Okay. Kate, you still haven't told me what you're going to do about the job."
She laces their fingers together and tugs him away from the swing set, the grass soaking the bottom of her pants. He's close, their hips bracketing the clasp of their hands and knocking together with each step.
"My dad said something that cleared things up a little."
He half-turns to look at her, the last vestiges of despair still haunting like shadows under his cheekbones. "You spoke to your dad?"
"Yeah. He's. . .my dad, Rick."
Castle stops her, hauling her against his chest for a bruising hug. "Hey, not a criticism. That's good. It's not just you, and it's not me either. It's all the people that love you, Kate."
"I know." She wriggles free of his grip, needing to move. The burn of activity in her lungs always helps her find clarity, sharp focus breaking through the mist of fatigue.
She would run, if that didn't mean letting go of his hand.
"He said that I always do this. Hide in my work when I get scared. And he's right. The job is great, it really is, but I don't want my whole life to be about my work anymore. I had thirteen years of that, Castle."
He grits his teeth, jaw pulsing with the effort of holding back what she hopes is a smile. "It's a great opportunity, Kate. I understand why you're interested."
"It is, you're right. But you know what, Castle? I don't want to go jetting off around the world solving cases and barely having time for myself, let alone us. The twelfth, you, the boys and Lanie. That's home. That's a home I haven't had since my mom died."
He grips her hand tighter but he doesn't stop, lets her lead him all the way to her cruiser. "So you're saying. . .you don't want the job?"
"I do want the job. But I want you more."
Kate tips her face up to him, dusting a kiss to the underside of his jaw and smiling wide when he dips his chin to kiss her properly. Oh, Castle.
Mm. He wants her to be his wife. Beautiful man.
"So you're staying? Because you know I'll come to DC with you if that's what you want, we can look for apartments online and I'll-"
She cuts him off with her mouth against his again, grinning into it. "I'm staying. I have everything I need right here."
Author Note: I'm not done with this yet, not by a long shot. This is my entry for the Castle Hiatus Ficathon, so by that merit we still have another 49,000 words to go. I hope you guys come along for the ride.
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Twitter: seilleanmor