Not Quite a Villainous Parrot

"Who comes up with all the good ideas? Me! Who does all the work? Me!"

-Iago, The Return of Jafar

…

Were it not for Britt, Santana would never have gotten involved.

Seriously, she thought Porcelain was a homo BAMF ninja and she loved him as much as the next lesbitch, but this thing between him and Prince Charming was firmly not her problem. Hell, she didn't even know the specifics of the fight, just that -for the first time in basically forever- Trouty Mouth wasn't rolling over like a bitch and agreeing with whatever Rainbow said. And thanks to that utter moron Bland, Santana's favorite gay had been trying to repress all sorts of fear and self-doubt and an inferiority complex the size of Ohio.

Which was why he had closed himself off behind the old Ice Queen mask, proactively trying to protect himself from getting hurt again. And that left Evans miserable, resolutely sticking to his guns, and floundering like a beached whale while making those pitiful puppy dog eyes at Tink whenever they crossed paths.

And Santana still probably would have let them both dangle in the wind until the idiots figured this shit out on their own, except Brittany was over-invested in the Hevans relationship. (Santana preferred the portmanteau "Kum" but, despite her best efforts, it never really caught on.) The sweet blonde had rambled on to Santana about melancholy dolphins and broken rainbows and how the world wasn't sparkly anymore. And Santana hated seeing her girlfriend look so damn depressed. Britters was meant to be sunshine and smiles and laughter and dance, not gloomy frowns and unshed tears.

So Santana groaned and whined and waited for an idea to strike. It didn't take as long as she expected.

The second Wednesday of the month meant Disney night, and Brittany wanted to have a mini-marathon of all the Aladdin movies again. Santana rolled her eyes but couldn't deny watching the blonde fondly as she bounced and sang along with every song. Then the second movie began, and Jasmine and Aladdin started fighting, and Iago -that devious, smarts parrot- worked on manipulating the pair back together.

And Santana knew exactly how to pull this off.

Thank god Trouty and Rainbow had spent enough time with Brittany to know pretty much every Disney song by heart.

…

It was time for Glee Club, and if anyone so much as hinted at where she'd gotten the idea for her plan, she'd eviscerate them.

When Schue asked if anyone wanted to perform, Santana squeezed Brittany's hand, then stood and glared, growling at an already-on-her-feet Rachel to "Sit your Hebrew ass back down, Berry."

The tiny brunette almost argued, then thought better of it, flinching when Santana snarled and hurrying back to her spot.

Sauntering to the front, Santana spun to survey her audience.

Hummel was in a seat on the far right, front row, arms crossed, muscles tight and scowling, very obviously not looking toward the back row, where Prince Charming was located. And Trouty was blatantly staring towards Tink, eyes big and so pathetic that Santana almost felt something. Probably hunger, it was almost lunch, but still.

She straightened and nodded toward the piano dude (Did any of them even remember the guy's name? Santana sure as shit didn't. Only that he was always angry and seemed to know every song in existence.), then smirked, slinking straight at Rainbow.

"Forget about that guy. Forget about the way you fell into his eyes."

Yup, going by the glare, Hummel definitely remembered the song. "Forget about his charms. Forget about the way you fell into his arms."

She tapped a nail against his clenched jaw and he yanked his head back, trying fruitlessly to get away from the sneering, knowing Cheerio.

"Walking on air's obnoxious! The thrills, the chills, will make you nauseous. And you'll never get enough. Just forget about love."

Dropping down into the countertenor's lap without ceremony, Santana messed up his hair and, while he was busy furiously trying to fix the damage, she grabbed his chin and forced him to look toward Trouty, who was biting those huge lips, rueful and hopeful at the same time. And the depth of feeling brimming in those green eyes was pretty overwhelming. Enough that Porcelain quit fighting to turn away.

"Forget about romance, forget about the way your heart begins to dance. Then you feel the blush-" And Right on cue, Rainbow got a little pink around the edges. "-when he's spouting out some sentimental mush.

"Love really is revolting. It's even worse than when you're molting. Enough of this fluff! Just forget about love."

And Hummel really couldn't help chiming in, gaze reluctantly apologetic and fixed on Trouty Mouth. "I had almost forgotten the way it felt when he held out his hand for mine. My heart all a-flutter."

Santana broke in, the sarcastic response delivered deadpan. "Oh, how I shudder."

"The first time we kissed." The smile on Tink's face was growing.

"It won't be missed! Forget about his touch."

Hummel slowly came out of his chair and walked hesitantly toward Charming, who seemed anxious and excited enough to give himself a panic attack. "I can't forget about his touch."

"In the scheme of things it doesn't matter much."

The protesting line was a dichotomy of soft and powerful, aimed entirely at Evans. "It matters so much!"

Watching the gay boys do that thing where they acted like magnets, moving closer and closer until they snapped together, Santana grinned but continued singing. "You're better on your own. A meal becomes a banquet when you eat alone."

Kurt skipped the humming, sighing out the next line, voice in tandem with Santana's. "Love's filled with compromises."

The Cheerio snorted, winking at Brittany. "And don't you hate those big surprises?"

Tink was now safely tucked in Trouty's arms, and the tender way they held each other made Santana uncomfortable. In her opinion, PDA should be sexual, not lovey dovey.

"A cozy rendezvous."

"Oh, please."

"Candlelight for two."

"Oh, geez!"

Momentarily turning away from Prince Charming and towards Santana, Rainbow shrugged. "Look, you're calling my bluff. I can't forget about love."

Santana dropped back into her chair and let Britt hold her hand as the "dolphins" segued into the duet.

"I can't forget about my heart," Rainbow admitted and Evans echoed him.

"I can't forget about my heart."

"And how it felt to fall for you right from the start."

Charming pulled Tink right over and into his lap. "I'm still falling."

Hummel let out a breathless huff of laughter. "Whatever we may do-"

"Whatever we may do."

"You are here for me, and I'll be there for you."

Their voices wove together. "To wish, to want, to wander. To find the sun through rain and thunder." And Santana heard Brittany sigh happily.

This time, Trouty offered, "A cozy rendezvous."

"Yes, please."

"Candlelight for two!"

Santana had to break in after Evans' cheesy eyebrow wiggles. "Oh geez! Enough is enough!"

They didn't so much as glance her way, eyes locked on one another. "We can't forget about love." And in classic Disney fashion, they ended it with a kiss.

Before anyone else could speak, Santana snapped her fingers. "Hey, Gay and Gayer!"

They pulled apart and Trouty Mouth kept on grinning like Hummel had sucked out a few of his brain cells with his tongue, while Tink raised an eyebrow imperiously at the Cheerio. "Yes, Satan dear?"

She sneered. "You two are disgustingly happy, and it gets Britt-Britt down when you're fighting. So don't, or I'll yank out your pretty, pretty hair-" She pointed at Porcelain, who merely scoffed. "-and destroy every copy of Avatar from here to Columbus." Charming's reaction, on the other hand, of blanching white with primal fear, was far more satisfying.

Then she leaned back, threats made and message received. And the kiss she had apparently earned from her favorite blonde for the touchy-feely crap made it all worth it.

… …

a/n I've actually got plans for a few more one-shots to go with this. They could be part of a mini-'verse called Not Quite a Disney Movie and would involve Kurt's break up with Blaine, and eventual relationship with Sam. Those ones wouldn't be from Santana's POV, but we will definitely get to hear her opinions loud and clear because she is absurdly fun to write. Anyway, if you enjoyed, keep an eye out for said fics.