Dani

by samcam

I was in a bad place after my last breakup. I figured my best way out was to face the emotions, both good and bad, so I wrote them in a book that I could then close and put away until I was ready to look again. This is a reordering of those thoughts.

Relationships are a series of experiences to store away and recall later.

We naturally seek positive experiences - something to create enjoyable memories. But for each experience it seems there are less positive emotions which are always stored along with it ... a penance we must pay for time spent in another's company.

=O=

I remember catching my breath in surprise the first time I spied Dani - that instant rush of amazing imaginary times we could spend together if only we were a couple.

And I remember the doubt and derision that my brain inflicted upon me at night when I couldn't remove that unrealised relationship out of my head so that I could sleep.

-o-

I remember the elation at impressing her when kayaking on a camp, the look of frustration on her face as she struggled to control her own craft.

And I remember the burning humiliation when I later showed off too much when I thought she was looking my way, and capsized.

-o-

I remember the self-confidence I felt the next day after asking her if we could spend more time together in activities, and she surprised me by agreeing.

And I remember the paralysing fear which almost prevented me from asking her in the first place in front of her friends.

-o-

I remember the sound of the frogs and the smell of the lake and the golden wattle as we lay in the grass under the stars the next night, whispering quietly long after everyone else had gone off to their tents.

And I remember my inability to keep still in bed that night after being bitten by countless mosquitoes during our talk.

-o-

I remember the pride I felt as I continued to see her once we were back in our home environment, and the envy of my mates who did not have a girlfriend to share things with.

And I remember my confusion and disappointment that she seemed less enthused about our relationship when interacting with her own friends.

-o-

I remember the pleasure of having somebody to share time with, through the months when things were still good.

And I remember the apprehension from wondering how long the happiness might last, the anxiety of which events might bring an end to it and how to avoid them.

-o-

I remember my awe and excitement at the speed at which our relationship was progressing, particularly the physical intimacy she initiated.

And I remember the dismay I felt after realising that our future plans for the relationship were quite different, and the disgust with myself that I could not reconcile my view to match hers.

-o-

I remember the curve of her hip and the feel of her soft skin and the wetness of our tongues and the sounds she made when we bonded.

And I remember the shame of being untruthful to my family afterwards about where she and I had been and what we'd been doing.

-o-

I remember the movies we went to see because she wanted to, and the satisfaction I felt assuring her that I enjoyed them even though I didn't just so she wouldn't feel bad about going.

And I remember the feeling of savage vindication when I revealed my duplicity later during one of our many rows prior to breaking up.

-o-

I remember the unmistakable relief that engulfed me after we'd had our most volatile argument yet and each shouted we would better off without the other before storming off.

And I remember the unwanted, smothering sympathy from those around me who seemed to think I should feel more upset about the relationship's demise than I actually was.

-o-

I remember the emotional maturity and resilience that my relationship with Dani ultimately gave me.

And ... actually, there wasn't a downside to that. Every painful and joyous minute was of value.