A/N: ...what are they putting in Theraflu these days...?

Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis.

Warnings: BL, crack

Pairings: ShiraKin (ShiraishixKintarou), (background) OT6, Golden Pair, Naniwa Baka Pair, AkuDan, SakakiOsamu

Little Red

Once upon a time, there was a land known simply as Shitenhouji. It was a prosperous and peaceful country, bustling cities separated by thick forests of legend. In one particular village there lived a boy named Kintarou, known also as Little Red Riding Hood for his mop of vivid red hair and the red hood he never wore. (The damned article of clothing had been a gift from his errant Uncle Zaizen, but his parents felt like it was painting a giant bull's-eye on their young charge and had burned it.)

You see, Kintarou's guardians were the overprotective sort. They didn't want their poor baby boy defiled by one of their perverted neighbors. Little Ryoma's parents had not been so careful and now the boy was involved in some strange sixsome. Not to mention innocent Dan Taichi, who followed around the village's resident ruffian, Akutsu Jin. Shitenhouji was practically teeming with an assortment of violent and/or lecherous men, and Kintarou was so cute and obviously molestable that his parents knew they had to be vigilant. Unfortunately (or not, depending on viewpoint), this vigilance resulted in blissful naiveté for Kintarou about, say, anything involving "adult activities." An example?

"Koshimae!" Kintarou cried, looking stricken as Ryoma, son of Oishi and Eiji, came hobbling up the street to his pair of friends. "You're limping! Are you hurt?"

Ryoma eyed his ignorant friend balefully. How nice it must be, not having five sex-crazed lovers. He turned his glare to Dan, who had previously been sporting a devious, knowing smirk before morphing it into an innocently concerned expression when the golden-eyed boy turned his attention to him. "Yes, Ryoma-kun, are you okay (desu)?"

Ryoma glowered at Dan's false concern for a moment before turning back to Kintarou. "I'm...fine," he said, though the expression on his face suggested he was anything but. "Those bastards just don't know how to hold back during sex." Not that Ryoma was complaining during the actual sex, but he believed he had every right to whine afterwards. He always suffered the worst damage after all was said and done.

Kintarou blinked in confusion. "Sex?" he echoed. "You mean you got hurt baking cookies?"

Ryoma stared at him. "...What?"

"Sex," Kintarou asserted, now looking at Ryoma dubiously. "Means you're baking cookies, Koshimae."

Now Ryoma just looked offended at Kintarou's patronizing tone. Dan had dropped his innocent expression, looking completely amused and remorselessly deviant, a smirk stretched out on his lips. "Oh, something's cooking alright-"

"Shut up, Dan," Ryoma snapped, almost on reflex.

"-between the sheets," Dan finished smugly.

Kintarou looked to the other boy. "Sheets? You mean the cookie sheets?"

Dan burst out laughing. Ryoma, apparently giving up, just snorted. "Yes, Kintarou; the cookie sheets," was his deadpanned reply.

"I never was any good at explaining things to others," Hitouji Yuuji muttered, Kintarou's confusion of 'sex-means-baking-cookies' being a direct result of his attempt at explaining sex using bad analogies. Konjiki Koharu's acts of comfort did little to mollify his lover.

"What's wrong with 'Tousan?" Kintarou asked, looking at Yuuji with a curious expression. The older man lay curled up in the corner, a dark gloom enshrouding him.

Konjiki patted his head. "Never mind that, Kin-chan. I need to send you out on an errand!"

Kin's attention was grabbed immediately. "Really? By myself? What do you need, 'Kaasan?"

"Well, you see," Konjiki started, rather disgruntled about the fact that this narrative exposition would be his last lines in this story. "Your dear old Osamu-jiichan has fallen ill. I've prepared a basket of goodies for him, but I can't take it myself because your father is depressed about the previous flashback." Here, Konjiki handed the redhead said basket of goodies. "So I need you to take this to him. You remember how to get there, don't you?"

Kintarou stared up at his guardian. "...Sure."

It wasn't bad memory that stopped the boy from recalling where his Osamu-jiichan lived, but the fact that neither of his parents had taken him to his grandfather's home in the first place. Ever. He didn't even know he had an Osamu-jiichan, actually. Kintarou didn't want to admit to this out loud, however, in fear his mother wouldn't let him go. Besides, he could just ask random passers-by for directions on the way!

"Make sure not to talk to strangers!" Konjiki warned.

...Dammit.

After pulling on his black shorts and leopard-print tanktop, positive he'd blend in perfectly, Kintarou skipped out of the house with the basket. There were only two paths out of the village, so Kintarou decided to take the one closest to his house based entirely on whim.

Now the forests of Shitenhouji were not dangerous, per se, but rather they were similar to the villages - in that there were full of perverts just waiting for naive or otherwise misguided bishounen to trot through. The one that filled the space between Kintarou's village and his (apparently) hermit of a grandfather's house had a single resident: the wolf named Shiraishi. He was an eccentric but cunning wolf who had a strange fetish for leopard-print. And redheads. (Mmm...redheads in leopard-print...)

It's easy to see where this is going, is it not?

Kintarou, heeding his guardian's advice, talked to no strangers and instead took directions from a strangely-helpful sign. "Strange" because it not only read "To Kintarou's Osamu-jiichan's House" in wet paint, but it was also being held by a vaguely-confused trio of boys Kintarou remembered seeing around his village.

"I have two years of wilderness experience!" Horio, the unibrowed boy in the middle, declared.

Katsuo grimaced. "Quiet, Horio. I don't want to be here longer than necessary."

"Why are we even here in the first place?" Kachirou asked, looking honestly perplexed.

"So it's this way to Osamu-jiichan's house?" Kintarou asked rhetorically, before grinning broadly and taking off. "Thank you, talking sign!"

The three boys stared after him.

"...He's screwed, isn't he?" Horio posed.

Kachirou blinked, paused, then nodded with a smile, "Definitely."

Shiraishi had been busy fantasizing about cute redheaded boys in leopard-print when Kintarou skipped by, basket swinging merrily at his side. It took a moment for the wolf to realize that his daydream had not just turned fantastically life-like but was in all its delicious glory reality, so Shiraishi was quick to intercept the boy from his...skipping.

"Hello, wet-dream-come-to-life!" Shiraishi greeted brightly.

Kintarou stopped and blinked up at the other male. "Hi?"

"What's your name?" Shiraishi asked pleasantly.

Kintarou glanced around worriedly. "I...I can't talk to strangers."

Awww. "Oh! Well, then, I'm Shiraishi. And your name?"

"Kintarou!" the redhead answered cheerfully. (He wasn't very bright, really...)

Shiraishi grinned at him. "And now we're not strangers! So where are you off to, Kin-chan?"

"To my 'jiichan's house, to give him this basket of goodies!" Kintarou stated proudly, showing Shiraishi the basket.

The wolf nodded. "What's in it?"

Kintarou paused, "I...don't know."

After only a moment's consideration, the boy flipped open the top of the basket, pulling out the first thing his eye caught. Blue eyes shined in confusion at the ceramic jar labeled simply as "lubricant". Shiraishi had practically frozen, grin on his face wide and wolfish.

"What's this for?" Kintarou mused.

Shiraishi took a step towards him, "I can show you." Please please please please please...

Kintarou shook his head in determination. "This is for Osamu-jiichan! We can't use it!"

"Osamu?" Shiraishi echoed. "But Sakaki-san always brings the lube for them-oi! Kin-chan!" He called after the redhead, who had continued skipping along.

Kintarou stopped and looked at the wolf. "What is it, Shiraishi-inu?"

Shiraishi panicked. I must get to Osamu first! "U-Um...Don't you think your Osamu-jiichan would like some...flowers?" He motioned vaguely to the patches of wildflowers sprayed about the edges of the path.

Kintarou cocked his head. "Why would Osamu-jiichan want flowers? Wouldn't he rather have his...lubricant?" Though to the redhead, the goo didn't smell very tasty. Maybe it was an acquired taste? Like Fuji-senpai and his love of wasabi?

"No, he'd definitely like flowers!" Shiraishi asserted, more confident. "Yes, Osamu-san really likes his...flowers..."

"But-"

"Just get him some flowers, Kin-chan!"

"O-Okay!" Kintarou cried, dashing to the side to grab the nearest piece of flora.

Yes, Shiraishi the wolf was a cunning sort.

It didn't take long to reach Osamu Watanabe's hovel. As a resident of the woods, Shiraishi was quite familiar with all of the shortcuts, and even Kintarou's boundless energy could not catch him up when the redhead had been so distracted by his flower-picking. The Osamu cottage was a homely little thing, looking almost idyllic in its picturesque setting. Knocking ever-so-politely on the door, Shiraishi waited.

There was a creak, a loud bang, what sounded suspiciously like a moan, and then silence for several minutes.

Shiraishi glanced back at the path. Maybe he could convince Kintarou that his den was Osamu's house instead...?

The door swung open, cutting off Shiraishi's Plan B while in its early stages. Said wolf looked up, facial expression carefully set at a neutral sort of respect. "Good afternoon, Sakaki-san," he greeted cordially.

Sakaki Tarou merely raised an eyebrow at the wolf in the doorway. As a frequent visitor to Osamu's place (and thus, Shiraishi's forest), he had gotten to know the wolf quite well. Shiraishi would often drop by Osamu's place to have tea with the two older men, mostly to complain to a more mature audience about the lack of action he was getting.

"Is Osamu-san around?" Shiraishi asked, though he felt he already knew the answer.

Sakaki nodded, "He is indisposed, however."

Inwardly, Shiraishi snorted. I bet.

"Well, actually, I was wondering if I could borrow his house for a bit..." the wolf trailed off, looking towards Sakaki with bright eyes.

"What's that wolf saying...?" came Osamu's tired-yet-satiated voice somewhere from inside.

"He wants to use your house," Sakaki answered, eyes shining in gratification at the evidence of his ability to satisfy. "Though I'm sure we'd both like to know why."

"Osamu-san's grandson is visiting," Shiraishi explained. "And he's a cute redhead who wears leopard-print." Which honestly should have explained everything to the two older men. But just in case: "So I'm going to sex him up."

"You're going to fornicate with Osamu's grandson in Osamu's home?" Sakaki asked for better clarification, Osamu's "I have a grandson?" going ignored.

Shiraishi nodded. "Yes."

"...Fine," Sakaki allowed.

Inwardly, Shiraishi crooned in delight. Oh, I'm so clever!

"Hey! What if I don't want him to sex my grandson up in my house?" Osamu whined, scowling as Sakaki said nothing, just picked him up bridal-style and strode out. "Dammit, Tarou! Shiraishi, if you make a mess in my house, I swear I'll neuter you!"

"Ha! Big words from someone who can't even walk properly!"

"Why you insolent little-Tarou! Why'd you-mmmph! Mmph...mmm..."

Shiraishi frowned. "Sakaki-san! At least get behind the bushes! How can I get Kintarou inside if he's too busy ogling two men in the middle of the road?"

No reply, but there was a rustle as leaves and shrubbery were moved.

Kintarou was never very good at flower-picking. He had went once, with some village girls named Sakuno and Tomoka, but while the two were stringing together a crown of daisies, Kintarou had been playing 'Kin-chan the Flower-Eating Monster RAWR'. Needless to say, the girls never invited him out again. (Also, daisies tasted horrible.) The redhead was currently dragging behind him a small sakura tree, having uprooted it with his unnatural strength. He figured his Osamu-jiichan would be much happier with a sturdy tree than some silly bouquet of dying wildflowers.

Kintarou paused in the middle of his trek, glancing over at a rustling bush where strange sounds were emanating from. Passing it off as a (nonexistent) breeze, he left the uprooted tree outside as he strolled into the cottage. It had to be Osamu-jiichan's home, since the wet paint on the door clearly labeled it as such. It was a good thing there were so many helpful signs around!

"Osamu-jiichan!" Kintarou called out, finding the kitchenette and living room empty. "It's me, Kintarou! Your grandson!"

Shiraishi, hidden within Osamu's bedroom, glanced around for a clever disguise. With a triumphant grin, he snatched up and pulled on the older male's hat, inwardly chuckling at his quick-thinking.

Kintarou finally opened the bedroom door, having been distracted by a distant call from outside that sounded strangely like "I have a grandson?"

Peeking into the bedroom, Kintarou found a male figure in bed, looking at him with intense eyes, head topped by a plain cream-colored hat. "Hello, Kin-chan," the figure - which obviously had to be his Osamu-jiichan! - greeted lowly. "Come in, my boy. Would you like a lemon drop?"

Kintarou froze by the door. "Wait, what?"

"Er, I mean, come in. Come sit next to your Osamu-jiichan..."

Kintarou brightened instantly. "Oh, okay!"

Trotting over obediently, he set the basket down on the bedside table and turned to his Osamu-jiichan expectantly. "How are you feeling, Osamu-jiichan? 'Kaasan said you were terribly ill!"

"Really?" Shiraishi mused, edging closer.

Kintarou nodded, eager to divulge information. "Yep! And you sound strange, Osamu-jiichan!" His eyes widened as he peered closer. "But Osamu-jiichan! What wide eyes you have!"

"All the better to see you with, my dear Kin-chan," Shiraishi answered, moving closer while simultaneously tugging Kintarou forward onto the bed.

Kintarou easily complied, taking a seat on the bedspread and moving closer to the other figure in a clear invasion of personal space. (Not that Shiraishi was complaining.) "And Osamu-jiichan, what large hands you have!"

"All the better to hold you with, my dear Kin-chan," Shiraishi replied, pulling the redhead even closer and trailing his hand in a way that was completely un-filial.

"But Osamu-jiichan!" Kintarou continued, looking mildly confused when Shiraishi suddenly flipped them over, pinning the younger boy to the bed with a wide grin. "What big-"

The hat fell off.

"Wha-! You're Shiraishi-inu!"

"Shut up, Kin-chan."

Shiraishi descended without remorse.

Dan pouted, pouring himself another mug of hard liquor and eyeing the submissive, twitching trio that stood before him. Horio was cringing over the sign he still held as both Kachirou and Katsuo found something completely enthralling in the wooden flooring.

"Wasn't there supposed to be a huntsman?" Dan pointed out plaintively.

Ryoma shrugged, "Chitose-san was busy doing something else, supposedly."

Kintarou burst into the tavern Dan's family owned with wide, teary eyes. "Koshimae! Cookies aren't involved at all!"

And they lived happily ever after...

The End

A/N: Originally, it would have ended up as ShiraChiKin, but Chitose refused to play along. XD

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