The THAW—Part 2
The bedside clock said 2:46 a.m. Moonlight stretched across the blanket with patterns of light. Natasha felt the warmth of Steve next to her. She snuggled closer to him. The past three days had seemed like something of a fantasy. She had taught him the joy of sex and he had taught her the tenderness of lovemaking. Until three days ago she had no idea there was a difference. She had never had the gentleness and tender care of a man in her life before. The way he looked at her was a foreign feeling. To be honest, it made her a bit uncomfortable. Steve was an open book. Each touch was honest. There was no manipulation.
She looked up at his handsome, sleeping face. His eyelashes lay closed against his chiseled face. She smiled at the rumpled blond hair. His face was peaceful in sleep. They had spent many hours in bed learning about each other and exploring the pleasure of being together. He may have been inexperienced but what he lacked in skill he made up for in eagerness and tenderness.
During the day they had ridden his motorcycle, exploring the outlying areas of D.C. He had taught her how to skip rocks in a lake. She had introduced him to sushi. They had laughed a great deal. Steve was funny and sarcastic when he let his hair down. He had a way of getting her to open up about herself, more than she had anyone else, save maybe Clint. It was both comforting and unnerving.
She felt peaceful and comfortable. Two very alien emotions. Maybe that was what kept her awake. It was too outlandish for her. Sex to her had been either to accomplish a mission or for pure entertainment and self-satisfaction. Having emotion involved was disconcerting. Expressing tenderness was so natural for Steve. It was an innate characteristic. During their days together he would reach for her hand as they walked or when they were looking at the lake, he had turned and brushed a piece of hair out of her eye and let his fingers linger on her cheek before he kissed her with such tenderness that it made her feel weak. Maybe that was her problem. She felt weak. She wasn't entirely sure she enjoyed this feeling. She looked back at his handsome face. How could she want to walk away from him? She should. She knew she should, but how? This was a fairytale. Real people didn't live in fairytales. They were childish stories for naïve fools. She shifted slightly away only to have him turn in his sleep and drape an arm around her. She loved his warmth. Her mind was at war with who she was and who Steve was. They were two entirely different people. Everything about their personalities was contradictory. Everything. He was honest and forthright. She was conniving and lies came easily. He was tender and kind. She was impetuous and jaded. Their entire relationship was incongruent. She slid out from underneath his arm and pulled his shirt off the floor, and put it on. It smelled wonderfully of him.
Natasha walked out into the living room and stared out the window at the lights of D.C. She grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and went back to the window. Her mind was going 100 miles an hour, warring within her. Part of her wanted to go back to the warmth of his bed and his tenderness and the other part of her wanted to run and never look back.
Her mind was so filled with thoughts she had not heard him walk softly into the room and come behind her. She flinched slightly has he wrapped his arms around her from behind. He nuzzled into her neck. "You okay?" His voice was soft and filled with concern. She closed her eyes, both loving it and hating it.
She only nodded and kept her eyes on the view outside.
He kept her close. "Want to talk about it?"
"No." She melted into him loving the feel of his strong arms around her. His hard chest behind her was bare and warm.
"Come back to bed?" He slouched slightly and put his warm, bristled cheek next to hers.
Natasha nodded and he took her hand leading her back to the bedroom. He pulled her close, spooning her to him. His fingers entwined with hers, "It was cold without you."
She knew he hated to be cold. It reminded him of nearly seventy years encased in ice. He was always so strong and in control. Strike teams never questioned any of his decisions because his record was flawless. Yet, in the past couple of days he had shared bits of his life with her. Enough that she was beginning to really see him. He trusted her. She wasn't sure why. Usually she had used men's weakness against them but she never wanted to hurt him. That is why she could not leave. She knew if she did he would be hurt, but could she put his feelings above her inherent need to run?
Finally exhaustion and his warmth won out and she drifted back to sleep.
Steve always awoke early. Some habits from his army days were hard to break. He had laid beside her his fingers feather light as they played with the curls of her hair. He loved watching her sleep. She seemed so young, so innocent. After she had stretched herself awake, he had tenderly kissed her and their kisses became a burning need. Afterwards they lay spent in each other's arms. He lay on his back as she kept her hand firmly on his chest over his heart.
"I don't want to get up." She murmured as she pulled the covers up over them again.
He kissed the top of her head and then slid out of bed. "I will shower and then make you a good breakfast."
Natasha groaned.
Steve knelt down close to her ear, "Most important meal of they day." He kissed her cheek and headed to the shower.
Long after she smelled fresh coffee brewing she let the hot water of the shower finally wake her up.
Steve was making an omelet when a knock came to the door. He was wiping his hands on a towel as he opened it. Phil Coulson stood on the other side smiling.
"Captain Rogers. I hope I am not disturbing you." Phil smiled. He was the most pleasant of men and had the highest regard for Steve. Captain Rogers was a hero in every sense of the word in his eyes.
"Agent Coulson." Steve opened the door wider.
"Captain, after all this time, I insist you call me Phil." He smiled and handed a file to Steve.
"New mission sir?" Steve accepted the file and motioned for Phil to step inside.
"New intel. Commander Fury would like you to look it over. We have a meeting set up at 1400 hours back at SHIELD with the team. He wanted you to look at it and come with some ideas in mind."
Steve hoped desperately that Natasha heard Coulson's voice. Keeping their new relationship quiet was important to both of them as well as the security of the team.
"Thanks sir. I will look it over."
Just then Natasha burst into the living room in only a towel. "The shower would have been a lot better with you in….." She was laughing until she saw Coulson and his very surprised look on his face. She halted immediately and looked from Coulson to Steve. Steve's face colored in embarrassment, as did Coulson's. "Hey Phil." She tried to retain her cool demeanor she was known for.
"Agent Romanoff." He still looked shocked and very uncomfortable.
"Well, I will be going. Thanks captain. See you at 1400." With that he smiled and ducked his head as he left.
"Well…..I guess that isn't a secret anymore." Natasha smiled and helped herself to a cup of coffee.
Steve was still a bit red in the face and continued making breakfast.
"Phil won't talk, will he?" Natasha snagged a piece of toast and sat at the table.
Steve smiled at her and winked. "I think he was as embarrassed as I was. I doubt he will want to relive that one." He placed a kiss on her cheek as he sat the plate of steaming eggs and bacon on the table.
The meeting had been going on for 45 min. Strategies had been determined and assignments made. The plan was ironclad. Steve stood to leave when Fury cleared his throat, "Captain, can I have you stay for a few more minutes, Romanoff you as well." They shared a brief questioning look, Steve sat back down. Dr. Bruce Banner and Tony Stark entered and sat at the conference table as well. Steve liked Bruce. He was a good man. Honest and straight forward. He fought his personal demons but he was always striving to be a better man. Tony Stark was like his father, but a more enhanced version, smarter, much more of a playboy, sarcastic and at times ruthless. Steve had always admired Howard, his son, not so much. They worked well together in the New York crisis but their relationship was a tentative one.
Fury looked at each of them intently but his eyes settled on Steve. "We intercepted some intel this past week that has me on edge." He looked down at a paper he was holding. He then looked back to Steve. "If our decoders are accurate and they are, there is a terrorist cell that is determined to recreate the super serum that Dr. Erksine gave to you."
Steve shifted in his seat. "There was nothing left of the serum. The last vial was broken on the docks of New York in 1942." He looked directly at Fury.
"That is why we are meeting. The only hope they have of making the serum would be to use your blood and find the components in it." He sounded grave.
"Its already been tested. Nothing could be determined." Steve answered.
"That was in the 1940's. Technology has advanced rapidly. With vials of your blood and tissue samples, they believe they can replicate the serum."
Steve sat motionless. He felt Natasha stiffen next to him. He looked at Dr. Banner and he nodded to Steve.
"I have read the reports that we intercepted. I think they are very certain they can duplicate what they did to you. Their motives are not as noble however."
"So what are we suppose to do?" Natasha clicked her pen open and closed several times with concern.
Tony placed his palms on the table. "Months ago, I was worried about something like this. Hence the invitation you so rudely ignored." He glared at Steve. "Now, I think that request is a demand." Tony had his way of never sugar coating anything or making it softer.
Steve didn't say anything. His face was cold and emotionless. Natasha noticed a nerve twitching in his cheek, the only betrayal of his emotions.
Dr. Banner turned towards Steve and spoke softly. "I think it is a good idea. The security at the tower is extensive. Steve, I know this is not what you want to do, but I agree with Fury this is the best option. Until we can get the cell shut down and ensure your safety, I think this is the best option."
Steve shifted in his chair once again. "I assume you will shut me down on missions as well?" He addressed Fury.
"It's temporary Cap. As soon as we can shut this down, things will be back to status quo." Fury tried to look optimistic. He failed.
"So I am held captive in the tower until then?" He looked perfectly miserable.
"Our very own Rapunzel." The sarcasm from Tony made the team cringe.
Steve shot him a death look. Bruce intervened. "You will be in charge on operations from there. Everything will be fed through you. The only difference is you will be in the control office."
"That's a hell of a huge difference." Steve stood and paced the room.
Fury stood as well, "Captain, we will find them and get it shut down as soon as we possibly can. We have every available agent on this. We just can't risk you."
Bruce then stood. "We are all at the tower Steve." He glanced at Tony. "There is a lot of support there."
Tony and Natasha also stood. Natasha tried to not let her concern for Steve betray her. She kept her head down and collected the papers around her.
Tony clapped Steve on the back. "Welcome to the tower Capcicle. It's the place to be! I guarantee we will put some color into your black and white life and heck you may even find a girl and pop that cherry." He laughed and walked out the room.
Bruce gave him a smile. "It will be nice to have you at the tower Steve." He left as well.
Steve's anger and disgust was not lost on Fury. "It's temporary Captain. Just remind yourself of that. We need you more than ever to help formulate strategies. I just can't let you in the game until we stop them. Is everything clear?"
Steve looked down right miserable. "Yes sir."
Fury left which left Steve and Natasha. She came up to him and slipped her arm around him. "On the bright side, you will only be a floor away from me. Imagine the possibilities." She smiled a seductive smile but it wasn't enough to lift his mood.
"The last two things I ever wanted. To be stuck at a desk and to live with Stark." He shoved his hands into his pockets and stared at the table.
"Come on soldier. I will help you pack." She pulled on his arm and smiled at him.
Steve didn't want to get used to the large wing of living space that Tony had given him. It was luxurious and expansive. Pepper, (Tony's very kind and not deserving to be stuck with a guy like that,) girl friend had very kindly welcomed Steve and had the room decorated in shades of blue. Learning before hand it was his favorite color. He had been here only three days and already he felt like a prisoner. His bike was parked in the garage but it might as well have been in Africa. He was not to leave the tower. He spent a good amount of time in the gardens on the roof. He needed fresh air and to escape from Starks' talking house. Everything it in seemed to know what he was doing, what he wanted and reminders of where he should be. He took a book to the roof and sat down on the grass to read. Who put grass on a roof? Stark's gregariousness was hard for Steve to understand. Food was elaborate. Toys and electronics of every kind were littering the many floors of the tower. Even the weight room and training room were crammed with, not yet released to public, machines and contraptions.
He put his head back and let the sun warm his face and arms. He itched to get back to work. Looking at computer screens and reading reports were exhausting. He wanted to be in the midst of it all. He felt useless and caged.
He didn't hear Natasha come up behind him. "There are at least twelve different chaise lounges and you chose the grass?" She sat down beside him.
"I can't breath in there." He had been in a grumpy mood the whole time he had been here. Natasha had been busy with Fury for most of that time and only once had she snuck into his room at night and told him he would sleep better once she had properly worn him out. It had worked.
She leaned over and kissed his bicep. "I know. It won't be long. Fury and I went through the decodes today. We are narrowing in on where they are."
He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "Sorry."
"For being the grumpiest, sullen and depressive man on earth?" She laughed.
"Yeah, something like that." He half smiled back. "I don't like being in debt to Stark."
"It actually makes sense for us to be here and have the base of operations here. It really isn't that bad is it?" She sidled up close to him and ran her hand over his thigh sensually.
He smiled down at her. "Careful, Jarvis is watching." He went back to looking irritated.
"I'm friends with him, he will keep my secret." She nuzzled his neck and kissed his ear.
"If you keep that up, I won't have the self control to even take you down to my room." His eyes glazed over as she ran her hands over his chest and then under his shirt to feel the hard lines of his chest.
"Is that a threat or a promise?" She moved until she was straddling him and kissed him deeply her hands roaming over his hard body.
Behind them they heard a small clearing of a throat and they both quickly turned to see Pepper. She was looking embarrassed and quite shocked but appeared her usual cool self. "Natasha, there is a phone call for you. It came in on the secure line. So sorry to interrupt." She smiled knowingly at both of them and grinned when she saw the deep crimsoned blush on Steve's cheeks.
"Thanks Pepper." Natasha jumped up and then bent down for a quick kiss, "I plan on continuing this later, " She whispered to him.
Pepper and Natasha ended up in the work out room at the same time the next morning. Natasha was kickboxing with great gusto and Pepper was using the elaborate weight machine that Tony had specifically made just for her. She had barely broken a sweat. "Sorry I interrupted yesterday. I wasn't aware of you and Steve." She smiled at Natasha.
Natasha knew she was fishing. "It's a relatively new thing." She didn't like girl talk of any kind.
"I'm glad. Steve needed someone. He has been so alone. Does Clint know?" Pepper asked it delicately.
At the mention of Clint's name Natasha she frowned. Clint. He was her best friend. The man who had pulled her from the dark abyss of her own mind. He had trusted her. Believed in her. She was completely at home with Clint. He lived his life in shades of gray as well. In so many ways they were perfectly suited to one another. They had slept together often. Out of need. Out of desperation. Out of comfort. She loved Clint. He was a comfort to her. She wasn't in love with Clint. Their relationship didn't have room for those emotions. Neither of them expected anything more than what they had. It was a definite open relationship. No strings attached. No commitment made or needed. Steve would not understand a bond like that, she knew that for certain.
"Far as I know, Clint is still in Bolivia." She did not want to have this conversation.
"Steve is a good man Natasha." Pepper sounded very sincere but there was an edge to her voice that made it almost sound like a warning.
Natasha stood in the shower for a long time letting the hot water turn colder. Pepper was right. Steve is a good man. Too good. Too good for her. And then there was Clint. Steve would never understand her relationship with Clint. She had never had a monogamous relationship before. Never. Steve would want that. He deserved that. He deserved someone that would give him the kind of love he gave so freely to her. She had a hard time accepting that kind of affection. But she loved being with him. She loved the way he made her feel. She loved how he saw the best in her and made her believe she was special and important but at the end of the day, she knew who she was. She knew that she was damaged and broken in so many ways.
She dressed quickly in a pair of jeans and a hoodie and headed out the door of her room. Steve met her in the hallway on his way to see her.
"Hey, could you sneak me out and we could take a ride on my bike, skip some rocks, eat some sushi, anything. Please get me out of here." He smiled at her and she had to smile back. He sounded like a little boy.
"What did Tony do now?"
"He is so obnoxious." He leaned down and kissed her gently on the cheek and then looked around to make sure no one was watching. "I feel like I am living in a fish bowl."
"I would love to sneak you out but I have a meeting at SHIELD." She nudged him playfully and started to walk down the hall.
"Dinner just the two of us tonight?" He grinned at her and he looked young and carefree and something about it made her heart ache.
Her smile faded, "I don't know how long I will be. I will see you when I get back."
She left him standing there and guilt consumed her. Her mind was so muddled. Part of her wanted to run back and fling herself in his arms, but the other side of her wanted to walk out the door and keep walking.
It was 11:30 pm before Natasha got back to the tower. She was tired and grumpy and hungry. She opened up the fridge in the large common kitchen. The only light was from the fridge. She looked at several take out boxes, none of them looked appetizing. She picked up a beer and opened it. She nearly dropped it when Bruce made his presence known by loudly sliding off the couch. "Hey Nat." He came and stood in the kitchen.
"Sorry Doc. I thought I was alone." She took a long drink from the can.
"I couldn't sleep so I was out here trying to make myself tired enough to go back to my bed." He grabbed a beer as well and sat on the stool. "You okay?"
Natasha looked at him with questions in her eyes. "Yeah. Why do you ask?"
"I umm, well, I …" He looked down at his beer and put it on the counter.
"What, spit it out." Natasha didn't like games.
"You and Steve?" He smiled shyly at her.
"Oh my hell! Is this what junior high would have been like? I have heard nightmare stories of junior high." She grabbed some cold pizza and sat down next to Bruce. Her face sobered. She liked Bruce a lot. He had been very much like she assumed a big brother would be like. "I can't do it Bruce. He deserves better." She suddenly felt very depressed and saying it out loud to someone made it seem even harder.
"I don't think we get what we deserve in life. I am grateful for that." He smiled at her. "Steve is one of the best men I have ever known. Ever. But Natasha, I have seen a difference in him these past few weeks. How do you think I knew you were together? He is happy. He looks like he has a purpose, even being locked in Stark's beautifully decorated prison."
She looked down at her half eaten pizza and tears filled her eyes. "I can't be that lady."
"What lady?"
"The lady he deserves. I don't want that life. I don't want that relationship. I'm not the type. I am free. I like that life. I don't like having someone care or watch over me. It scares the hell out of me. He is so good Bruce. He is so damn good. It scares me to death."
Bruce put at arm around her shoulders. "Nat. You deserve the best. Don't shut the door on your own happiness. Steve needs you. He has been alone for so long. You both need each other. Don't run from the best thing in your life."
"How do I stay?" She leaned her head on his shoulder and felt weaker than she had ever felt. She hated it. "I have never needed anyone. I don't want to need him. I don't want him to need me. Needing someone makes you weak. I refuse to be weak."
"Loving someone is not weakness Natasha. It gives you a strength that is immeasurable." He gave her shoulder a squeeze and stood "Love is not weakness." He looked her in the eye and then walked out of the room.
Tears came to her eyes and that made her even angrier. She sat numb for quite some time. Bruce's words worked at her. Finally in exhaustion she made her way down the hall and opened up Steve's door. He was sound asleep. She undressed, leaving on only her panties and camisole and slipped into bed next to him. He smelled so good. She loved his natural scent. Like an addict that had to have her next fix she snuggled close to him. He stirred in his sleep and pulled her close. "How did it go?" His voice was sleepy and she smiled.
"Fine. We think we have a good lead. We can talk about it tomorrow." She kissed him gently. He kissed her back and the flame between them ignited again. She found herself lost once again in the warmth and tenderness of a man that made her feel adored. For the moment, she let herself fully savor the love he offered.
Steve had been in operation control for over 18 hours. He had managed to get the team safe and accomplish the mission. He hated not being on the ground with them. His patience was running short. He ran his hand over his hair and the stubble on his chin. Two members of the strike team had been wounded. He took those hits personally. Fury stepped beside him. "Good work Cap.
"I should have been with them." He pushed his chair back into place with force and stood to leave.
"It won't be much longer Cap." Fury knew the soldier in him couldn't tolerate this much longer. Steve was feeling caged and that could not last with good results.
The evening was a rare quiet one in the tower. Pepper made the most of having everyone around and ordered in a nice dinner. The huge plasma screen was blaring a football game after dinner. During half time there was an advertisement for a new movie that had just been released on Wilhelmshaven, the German coastal town that had been overtaken by the British and Americans in May of 1943. Steve watched the advertisement intently. Natasha watched the emotions that crossed his face. She had sat near him but per their shared agreement had not wanted their relationship known to everyone. So far Tony was the only one out of the loop of those currently living in the tower and Natasha gave Pepper great credit for not telling him. Tony knowing would open a new barrage of barbs and innuendos. Tony didn't miss the intensity on Steve's face. "Were you there, Grandpa?" His words were flippant but his tone held a measure of respect. "Yeah." That's all Steve said before walking into the kitchen to get some water. Tony tuned the volume down a bit and looked at Bruce, Phil and Natasha. "I forget he is 95 sometimes." He bit his lip and downed another shot of bourbon. Steve didn't come back and in a while Natasha went looking for him. She found him on the balcony of his room. He had his hands on the railing and was looking out over the city. "Want to see the rest of the game?" She came up beside him and put her hand over one of his. "I'll be in a in a minute." He sounded distant and removed. "You okay?" She reached for his face and turned him so he looked at her. Moisture was evident in his eyes. He looked down, embarrassed. "Yeah. Thanks." He gently kissed her forehead and looked back over the city. "You were part of that battle, what was it? Wilhelm…something." She struggled to remember the name. "Wilhelmshaven." He said it quietly. "We lost a lot of men that night." He took a deep breath. She put her arms around him and pulled him close. "I'm sorry." He encircled her in his arms and she laid her head on his chest. "To me it was just a few months ago. I forget sometimes that it is just a history fact to everyone else." He sighed. "Good thing I have always been drawn to older men." She looked up at him and smiled. He cupped her face in his hands. "Natasha." He looked into her eyes. He ran his thumbs over her cheeks. Natasha felt her chest tighten. She didn't want to hear him say he loved her. She wasn't ready for that. Love scared her. Love was a children's story. It wasn't reality. Before he could say anything else she reached on her tiptoes and kissed him. "Let's catch the end of the game before Tony comes looking for us." She tugged on his arm and he followed her back into the tower.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fury had come by the next day, he pulled Steve into the control room quickly. "We have a mess starting in Kiev. I need you there. I have a strike team waiting for you. I know it's a risk to remove you from the tower but I need you there. I am keeping this quiet from everyone. NO one can know you have gone. The team is clean. I have had them checked and rechecked. There is still a threat on you however. Do you want to risk it?"
Steve couldn't help the smile on his face. "Hell yes."
"Don't tell anyone here where we are. I trust them but we have to keep this covert.
How long to get you ready?"
"I will be down in five minutes sir." He left the room and ran to his quarters. He retrieved a duffle bag under the bed and stuffed in some essentials and grabbed his shield and side arm. He took a piece of paper and scribbled a note to Natasha, leaving it on his bed.
Be back soon. Fury needed help. Love, Steve
The sun was on the horizon before Natasha made it back to the tower. Steve had been gone five days already. She asked Phil and Maria where Steve was but they said they honestly had no idea. It was a black ops mission and no one had any info.
She grabbed a water bottle on the way to her room. She had just kicked off her shoes when someone from behind grabbed her and clapped a hand over her mouth to keep her from making any noise. In one swift move the assailant was on his back doubled over, gasping for air.
"Holy hell Natasha!" Clint grabbed his side and rolled onto his back.
"Don't sneak up on me!" She as both irritated and happy to see him.
"Trust me, I won't." He sat up and grabbed her hand. "I missed you."
"Eight months in Bolivia? Really? Who was she?" She rolled her eyes and sat on the sofa.
He joined her, rolling his head and shoulders to work the kinks out. "I wish. It was another fine SHIELD mess. It's done and here I am." He smirked at her and leaned over to kiss her. Natasha pulled away quickly.
"Hey. What's up? Not happy to see me? Do I have bad breath? I know I need a shower. Want to join me?" He stood and pulled on her hand and with the other hand quickly removed his t-shirt over his head.
Natasha laughed. "No. I don't want to join you but you could use a shower." She went to her small fridge and pulled out two beers. "How long are you in town this time?" She handed one to Clint and sat on the chair next to the sofa. Motioning for him to sit.
"I don't know. Do we ever know? Fury told me he wants the team here at Stark Tower. Everyone is here I understand. Even Rogers." He took a long drink.
"Thor has been gone for a few months. Home I guess, but yeah we are here. Its okay, not perfect but security is good. One big happy family." She said with an eye roll.
"Fury said Tony has a place for me. Top floor." He laughed. "Might be fun to be living together again." He smirked at her.
"We never lived together." She needed to clarify that for some reason.
"Technically no, but practically, hell ya." He jumped to his feet and leaned down to kiss her again. "I've missed you."
"Clint…" She stood and took a few steps back.
"What? What's wrong with you?" He came closer to her.
"I am umm… with someone." She shifted her feet and looked at the floor.
"With? Oh." Realization dawned on him. "Geez. Like a relationship?" He looked stunned and a bit hurt. She bit her lip.
"Yeah, I guess." She played with the beer bottle, tugging at the label and fingering the ridges.
"Who?" Clint sounded annoyed.
"Does it matter?" Natasha walked to the window.
"Yeah, it does. What about us?" He followed her.
"What us? We "get together,"' she made quotation marks with her fingers, "when its convenient but there isn't an us Clint." She didn't like where this was going and her stomach tied in knots.
He came close to her and wrapped an arm around her waist looking down at her.
"There has always been an "us". Just not in conventional terms." He pulled her closer and she put her hands on his chest to keep him at a distance.
"Clint." She ducked her head and pulled away. "This is new. I don't know if its anything I want. I think sometimes I do and other times I am ready to run. I just need time to work it out."
"Who is he?" Clint remained firm and took hold her of her arm, making her face him.
"Steve." Saying his name made her feel like she had already betrayed him. He would not understand her past with Clint.
"Rogers? Captain Rogers?" His voice was incredulous. "Seriously? 'Mr. I am truth and justice and the American way' Rogers?" He let go of her and walked a few steps away shaking his head.
"Clint….." She stepped closer to him.
"You love him?" He turned to face her, challenging her.
"I didn't say that." She felt the knot in her stomach tighten.
"This guy is all American Nat. He will want 2.5 children and a mortgage and a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence. He will want stability and BBQ's with the neighbors, bridge on Thursday nights. Hell, Nat is that what you want?" He got close to her, a sharp edge in his voice.
She turned away and picked up her shoes and coat and started to put them in the closet. His words had hit a nerve and she knew it.
"WOW. Even his tidiness has rubbed off on you." He shook his head and sat down on the chair.
"Clint." She turned back to him. Her face was hot. She felt confused and sick.
"Did you get taken over by aliens while I was gone? What the hell happened to you? Of all the men in the world you could have hooked up with, Rogers? Really?" He shook his head and downed his beer.
"I thought you liked him." She challenged back at him.
"As a commander, as a leader, hell he's a great guy." He looked up at her with defiance. "But Nat, he's not for you. You and I, we aren't like that. We don't live that life. You and I live in a world of shadows and lies. This guy couldn't lie if someone put a gun to his head or tortured him for days. He won't forgive any lies either." His last words were pointed and they hit the mark.
"I know." She sat down in defeat and felt her heart sink. "I know he is too good for me. I know I am not that girl." She fought the tears that threatened. "I wanted to be. I wanted to be that girl." She looked at Clint with pleading eyes.
"Its not a matter of not being good enough Nat. It's the fundamentals. Its oil and water. He's not the kind of people we are. Don't take him where he can't be and don't let yourself live a life that isn't you." He knelt beside her and took her hands in his own."
"Clint….." tears filled her eyes and she blinked them back. Clint pulled her into his arms and held her tight.
"It's easy to get caught up in being Cinderella Nat. But you can't live in a fairytale."
His words had been her haunting feelings for weeks.
Natasha nodded, not daring to speak.
"Well this got heavy. Sorry. Hey, I am starving. Grab your shoes you so dutifully put away and let's go and get Thai food. I am hungry enough to eat everything on the left side of the menu." He looked at her and smiled "See ya downstairs in 10 min."
He kissed her on the forehead and headed out of the room.
Natasha put her head in her hands and let go a sob. Her heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vice grip. "Steve." She whispered his name, letting his name sit sweetly on her tongue.
The black SUV pulled into the underground garage well past midnight. Steve hopped out, grabbing his bag and shield and turned to Fury. "Thanks for breaking me out. It felt good. Lets make this permanent." He smiled and got out.
"Working on it. Thanks Cap." Not a man for many words, he soon sped off.
Steve took the stairs to the eleventh floor. He wasn't ready to face the all-knowing eye of Jarvis. He got to his room and flipped on the light. He dropped his stuff and went a floor down to Natasha's room. He knocked but no one answered. She was either asleep or on a mission. He hadn't been able to contact her for the two weeks he was gone. He slipped back to his room. Took a quick shower and slept well past daylight.
Natasha had heard Steve at her door but couldn't bring herself to answer. Clint had kept a respectable distance from her when they had spent time together the past week. Clint had always been a very good friend. She knew he wasn't being petty. He really was looking out for her. Everything he had said to her she had already struggled with herself. Natasha got up early and was silently leaving the tower when she saw Steve getting out of the elevator in his work out clothes. He looked tired but happy. He came up to her smiling. "Missed you." He kissed her on the cheek trying not to get sweat on her and smiled apologetically. Natasha pulled back, her heart was aching.
"How was the mission?" She wanted to get away. She just couldn't handle being with him and seeing him. All of the emotions she had washed over her. She wanted so badly to lead him back to his room and show him how much she had missed him.
He loved seeing her again. He realized how much he had missed her. "Great to get out….."
"Hey Cap!" Clint walked up to both of them.
"Clint! Hey how was Bolivia?" he clapped Clint on the back and smiled.
"Still there, unfortunately." He smiled and looked at Natasha. She looked miserable.
"Nat, I'll snatch a ride with you. Headed to SHIELD right?" He looked at her trying to help out.
"Yeah. Great. Let's go." She hit the button again. Trying not to look at either of them.
She snatched a quick look at Steve before the elevator closed, his expression was unreadable.
Steve waited in the living room well into the evening before Natasha returned. He had worked all day on team strategies but after being in the field, he felt more caged than ever. Natasha finally walked in and froze as she saw Steve.
"That was a long day for you." Steve moved over on the sofa making room for her.
She stayed standing in place. "I didn't know I had a curfew." She knew her tone was clipped and icy and she hated herself for it. She had to end this.
Steve stood and walked over to her, close but not touching. "Are you alright?" He reached out to her but she back away. "Natasha?"
"I can't do this. I can't keep pretending." She hardened herself. She couldn't give in. She couldn't think about how he felt or what this was doing to him. The widow didn't care about emotions and feelings. That is what made her good. Emotion had softened her and she had lost who she was in the process.
"Pretending what?" He stayed where he was and didn't try to touch her.
"Me, you, this thing we have been doing. It's not working. It's not who I am. I can't be who you need Steve. I don't want to be who you need." She looked him firmly in the eye, her face a mask of control.
Steve didn't say anything at first. He just looked at her trying to read her. "What brought this on?" His voice was controlled.
"I realized a few things, that's all. They were things I had been thinking for a long time but I finally had everything come into focus and I know now that we can't work." She bit her cheek because she saw the hurt in his eyes and the pain that was etching itself across his face.
"Natasha." He moved towards her and she moved away. His hands dropped to his sides.
"Steve. I know what I want. I am not saying this out of some raw emotion. I have thought a great deal about this. I am sorry. I don't want to hurt you." Her voice caught only for a moment but she held it in. "I think we make a good team. I hope we can continue to work together." She forced a weak smile.
"Work together?" Steve sounded incredulous with a hint of anger in his voice.
"There isn't room for romance in my life. There isn't room for involvement. I never did want an attachment. I made that clear. I just let emotion rule me for a while and that was a mistake. We are a mistake." She lifted her head a bit defiantly.
"A mistake." A hard mask came over his handsome features.
"Yes. I think its best to end it now." She felt as cold as the granite countertop she was leaning against.
"Well, seems like you have this all worked out." He sounded defeated and numb.
"I have." She glanced at the clock on the stove. "It's late. Goodnight Steve."
With that she walked away and didn't look back.
Steve stayed where he was. He watched her until she was out of sight. He mind was reeling. All the air felt like it had been sucked out of his lungs.
Steve was up early. He had gone for a run, something Fury would be angry about, and when he returned Clint and Tony were having breakfast together, laughing and talking loudly.
When they spotted him Tony yelled to him, "Hey Capsicle. We have breakfast, want some?"
"No thanks, I'm good." He got some orange juice from the fridge and poured it into a glass. His head hurt from being up all night and he felt like a used tea bag. He couldn't wrap his mind around Natasha and her decision to end what he considered to be a pretty damn good relationship. Several times during the night he nearly burst into her room demanding answers and talking it out. He had wanted to tell her he loved her but had felt that she wasn't ready for it. He had no idea how NOT ready she was.
Tony and Clint continued their conversation as if Steve had weren't there. "So, did you and Nicky pick up where you left off? She is much spicier than those Bolivia dames." Tony knew Natasha hated to be called Nicky but he said it to bug her.
Steve looked up at the two men. Clint quickly looked up met Steve's eyes. Clint looked like he wanted to crawl under the table and Steve held his gaze with questions and then realization.
Steve calmly put his glass in the sink and walked out of the room.
Steve was trying very hard to slip out of the tower unnoticed. So far he had been fortunate. He was safely on the elevator with his duffle bag, and the doors began to close. The doors reopened and Pepper stepped inside. "Hey Steve."
He smiled warmly at her. She had been so kind to him since he had been at the tower. "Pepper."
She looked down at his duffle bag. "What did Tony do?" She shook her head.
"Nothing. No. Tony and you have been great. I really appreciate your hospitality. It wasn't my choice to be here but you made me very comfortable. Thank you."
"Is it safe for you to go?" She suddenly looked alarmed.
"I've done okay protecting myself in the past. I need to get back to some kind of normal." He smiled but it felt forced.
"I'm sure Natasha will miss having you here." She gave a coy smile.
"Things didn't really work out between us." He looked down at the tiles on the floor.
"You're not together?"
"Umm, no. It's fine." He shifted on his feet; he really didn't want to get into a relationship conversation.
The elevator opened and Steve exited as quickly as he could. "Thanks again Pepper. I appreciate you letting me stay here." With that he turned and left quickly.
Pepper knocked softly on Natasha's door. She waited a few minutes and knocked again. "Natasha, its Pepper, are you in there?"
A moment later the door opened. Natasha looked terrible, disheveled with red swollen eyes.
Pepper knew Natasha wasn't one for hugs or girl chat but she walked in anyway. "Did he end it or did you?" Pepper spoke softly, with kindness.
Natasha shook her head. "How did you know?"
"Steve told me."
"When? Where? What did he say?" Natasha blew her nose and pushed the hair out of her eyes.
"He said things didn't work out between you and he was leaving." Pepper sat down uninvited on the sofa.
"He can't leave? It's not safe." Natasha grabbed for shoes and was headed out.
"Nat. Stop. Leave him be. Did you end it?" Pepper stood and pulled her back from the door gently.
"Yes." She sank down on the chair and put her face in her hands. "It was like mixing oil and water." Clint's words. We could have never worked. We are too different. I set him free. I want him to have a good life. A life with a woman who doesn't carry 1000 pounds of baggage."
"Did you ever ask him what he wanted?" Peppers voice was soft but firm.
"Something's you just know. Some questions don't need to be asked." She lifted her head and squared her jaw. "It might hurt now but it's for his own good."
"What about you Natasha? What do you need?" Pepper stared at her, making Natasha look her in eye.
She shook her head, looked away and stood and walked to the kitchen counter, her back to Pepper. "I don't need or want anything. Needing makes you week? Wanting makes you worthless." He voice was hard and cold.
Pepper stood and walked to the door. "I don't believe that and neither do you. You could live 100 lifetimes and never find a man as good as Steve. Don't shortchange yourself Nat. And don't presume to know what is best for him. You better be damn sure what you are throwing away." With that she walked out ands shut the door behind her.