Wow, I haven't written anything in a long ass time. At least stuff that I've posted here. As its obvious to see KGB is getting a serious rewrite and an M. Night Shamalan style twist at the end. hint: technically no longer a self-insert.

xD I swear to ass I'm gonna kick your god.

Now, KGB, new and improved…with less suck-age :D

Disclaimer: I don't own it, wish I did. Jay and Silent Bob are Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith/ View Askew productions.

Zen

. : : …oi vey : : .

--

She woke up with a start, taking a few seconds…well minutes to get her eyes back into focus and to grope around for her glasses. Wondering why the rug felt so weird, granted it was old and in extreme need of cleaning. But now strangely it felt like it was covered in dirt.

" Eureka." she muttered when her hands finally touched the frame of her glasses. She shook her 'ginger' hair out of her face before putting said spectacles on, " That is the last time I gorge on three day old Chinese." Then it all really hit her like a sock filled with nickels. She paused, blinking a few times, hoping she was still dreaming. " Whuthehell? What happened to my apartment?" she asked, to no one in-particular. A rhetorical question if you will.

As of right then, her apartment didn't exist. At least of what she remembered of it. However it all can't be explained now. All in due time will things fall into place.

Now, Melony, all five feet, two inches of her, stood up from the what she now realized was a ditch. A rather deep one at that, or it could possibly have something to do with her…small stature. It took a few tries but she did manage to climb out of the trench that was in the middle of the city. Actually there were a few of these ditches dug. Not impeding traffic however, for all of the vehicles were 'zoomers'. which oddly enough didn't bother her. Just as the dilapidated state of the houses all around her didn't seem to phase her either.

She finally got to walking, indolently scratching at the back of her neck, contemplating on what to do next. Among other things the crazy ass dream she had last night. so it either was a concussion, drunken pass out-time, or I really shouldn't eat three say old Chinese she thought, sitting near a loud speaker. Barley paying attention to the pre-recorded 'Baron Babble' that was spewing out of it twenty four seven…even on holidays what kind of man does that.. And god forbid there's any type of subliminal messaging in those bad boys. Most likely a there's nothing wrong, join the guard, and a few other things, Love your baron, Obey the KG. she shuddered a bit, someone really should play these things backwards to see. Or thank the 'neighborhood watch committee'.

Well ever apparently there were subliminal messages in those things. Or at least that was Mel's excuse later on as to why she made the decision. Or possibly a retort of 'shut the fuck up.' whichever would be easier at the time. She nervously waited for the industrial doors to open, having a feeling that her height may impede things.

On the other hand she figured they would care if you were short, gay or growing feathers out your ass. They wouldn't care as long as you weren't flat footed. Which she was sure she wasn't. she shrugged and figured, to hell with it., and continued onward.

-

" This is by far the worst decision I've ever made." she muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose. One thing she didn't thing about was the guards blatant disregard for segregation of the sexes. So it was all co-ed. She sighed again, swinging the key ring on the single chain around her finger walking down the hallway. This is going to end horribly I just know it she thought absentmindedly, the foods probably going to suck, roommates are going to hate me. Oh not to mention the fact I'm one of the few women here. " it's just gonna be fan-fucking-tastic." she mumbled shoving the key into the lock, turning then trying the door. Realizing she just locked it, Cursing at the door she unlocked it, shoving the door open, letting it give a resonating smack as it nailed the wall.

When she looked up she noticed two people in the room, both in the same bunk bed. Looking exactly alike…eerie. She blinked, taking her glasses off for a second, then putting them back on. They were still there, still looking exactly alike. She merely raised an eyebrow before setting her stuff down on the bottom bunk.

One just laughed before speaking, " don't worry, we get it all the time."

" We do not fathead." the other one said, shoving on the side of his brothers head.

" Dude, don't call me fathead. My head is very proportionate thank you."

" Did your mother tell you that?" she said, smiling, they knew she was saying it lightly.

"…yeah." he said.

Mel started laughing, meeting these two would definitely be a high point in her day...and life. " Do you have names or should I refer to you as Thing one and Thing two?"

The pointed to each other," Seth/Chase." they said in unison. Which to say the least confused her further. They laughed, " I'm chase." he was the one on the left, " and I'm Seth." he was the one on the right.

" Thank you. Melony." she said, " Mel, Mellers, Mellow, there's about a million different variations I'll answer to." she laughed, putting her hands into her pockets. " But your still gonna be Thing one and Thing two."

" Duly noted." Seth answered.

" So…who's the elusive fourth member of this quartet? Anybody know?" she asked, the twins just shrugged. She leaned on the dresser, getting all the stuff off of the lenses on her glasses when everyone heard the knob turn. Three heads simultaneously turned to look at the wooden door to see who would walk through. He was tall, well compared to Mel everyone is. brunette and blue eyes. And his first impression was priceless;

" What the hell?"

" Nice to meet you too." she deadpanned, pushing the sleeves of her shirt up, giving a hop to sit on top of the dresser. He just kind of stared for a minute. " are you gonna say something or are we having a staring contest I wasn't aware of." she smirked, chin in her palm.

" You're a riot." he said, lo and behold, sounds like he's been gargling nails since age five.

" I like to think so." she answered matter-of-factly. " Do you have a name or can I just call you Iron lung?" She was given the death glare to end all death glares. She winced, " I'll take that as a no."

he just narrowed his eyes and mumbled something unintelligible for his response, pinching the bridge of his nose," My names Torn." he managed to growl out, " you have a gift for pissing people off don't you?"

" Maybe, Silent Bob, maybe." she answered, smirking, he just rolled his eyes, throwing his stuff onto the last bunk.

-

She finally sat down in the mess hall, pushing her plate forward, letting herself slump onto the tabletop. " I cant feel my legs." she whined, pulling the bandana she had on off. She pushed herself into a severely slouched sitting position, absently shoving the fork into her mouth.

This is bad.

Her yes widened, forcing herself to swallow before suppressing her own gag reflex. She let the fork drop loudly onto the plate.

" That. Is not. Food." she said, glaring at the plate, swearing on her life that it just moved.

The twins just smiled and laughed, " we could've told you that." Seth looked at his brothers plate a little perturbed. " Dude, where did your fork go?"

Chase raised an eyebrow at him before looking down at his now missing cutlery. "…I think my plate ate it." he said.

Mel blinked, instead of eating, downed her glass of water…or protein shake or whatever the hell they decided to serve here. Too afraid to even bother eating another bite, thinking it would either start singing Broadway or just say 'snoochie boochies' and return to being its normal slop.

" This is worse than getting punched in the face." she sighed, pushing her tray away again.

" I told you not to say that Juturna looked like the monopoly guy." Torn said, managing to force his food down. She had to give it to him, the twig was a trooper.

" Yeah, I've got a shiner and a bloody nose to show for it. Thanks Silent Bob."

" How many times have I asked you not to call me that?"

" I usually don't bother counting." she admitted, chewing on purple painted nails. Smiling innocently, which everyone she roomed with knew by now mean that it was sarcasm.

" I'm sure its in the upper thousands." he muttered.

-

Next chapter will come when it comes. Please Read and Review. Wanna know if its better than the last version.