HORATIO
The minute I realised exactly why she wouldn't be free beyond Friday, I felt as though I'd been kicked in the stomach. It was a struggle to catch my breath, to hold on to my dignity, for just a moment longer. She never noticed. I doubt she has ever noticed the way I am in her presence. My uncertainty, my doubt. My longing. And if she ever did notice, and reciprocate, then it has all gone now, with a lie I am happy to perpetuate to preserve my dead brother's honour in her eyes. I will not say that there has never been moments when I have not wanted to tell her, to wipe the stain from my character, but I will never blacken Raymond's memory.
So I lose her. I lose that moment just before I see her when I stop, and take a deep breath to face her. I lose the way I feel around her, like a schoolboy around the most beautiful teacher in school. I lose the turbulence she engenders in me, and that is good, because the last thing a CSI needs is lack of control.
Sometimes, when I am with her, I miss the peace I find with...with others I know.
I really have to get over this crush.