To the people following my other stories, yes, I know that I should focus on the other stories that I'm neglecting before I start a new one... Sorry... I just have issues with ignoring inspiration as it comes and benching things that haven't inspired me lately. So anyways, enjoy this!
I don't own Teen Titans or any of the characters.
Love. A simple four letter word. But yet, so much more. In the dictionary, a noun; a profoundly passionate affection for another person, a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. And though it's meaning is so deep, so widely powerful, it seems to be misused most times it is used. Many youth use it lavishly to describe a favorite food, a person who does them a favor, and for a significant other that they will probably break up with in days.
But, though I know the facts about this "love", I still cannot fathom it. And I cannot even begin to explain how much that irritates me.
I pride myself in understanding the habits of those around me and their emotions. As an empath, I can tell what they're feeling and can connect their mannerisms with their vibrant emotions. This way, I can read my teammates without the expended energy of my powers.
But, love. One of the most volatile and unstable emotions there is besides anger. To me, it also happens to be the most infuriating.
When my teammates feel love without any kind of discretion, such as their friendly love of each other, it comes at me in waves. I can feel Nightwing and Starfire's still oblivious affection clearly, though neither of them dare act upon it. I feel Beast Boy and Cyborg's obvious friendship whenever I'm passed by the two. And every once in a while, I feel my teammates directing their affection towards me as well, though never romantically. However, I fail to detect the subtle nuances of this thing called love.
Even worse, I can't understand when I feel love within me. That is almost too much to bear. One would think they had some understanding of the feeling when all they had to do was look into a mirror. A magic mirror, granted, not something most people have. But, my emoticlones are no help. They speak in riddles, never being straightforward with me. They say they want me to figure it out myself, but sometimes I'm scared that they don't know themselves. I don't like not knowing things about myself.
Ever since my sixteenth birthday, I've been in uncharted territory. I thought I knew exactly how my life was going to map out. I was put on the Earth to be a portal for my father to come and destroy the world. When I joined the Titans, I decided that I would fight evil and give the people of this world as good of a life as they could get before I eventually destroyed them with merely my identity. And so, the world and my existence would end on my sixteenth birthday. But, that didn't happen. And now I have no plan.
I didn't plan to love this world, this team, but I do understand that love cannot be controlled. I didn't want to love any of it. And I certainly didn't plan to fall in love with a certain green teammate of mine.
The worst part is that my newness with this emotion makes it extremely difficult to tell whether or not he returns my feelings. Starfire somehow managed to extract a confirmation of my feelings from me and she is certain that he reciprocates my "crush" as I have been told it is called. She says he treats me better than the other Titans, but I don't see it. Maybe thats why she's making me write in this journal. She said something about how writing about my experiences with him and looking back at them will help me realize it. I don't think I'll ever understand human logic; every time I feel like I'm getting it, these people throw me a curveball.
Raven closed the black spiral bound notebook. She looked over the cover and ran her hand over the silver raven imprinted in the cloth covered cardboard. Starfire had given it to her as a gift for her eighteenth birthday and told her that she should record her thoughts in it. Apparently there was a market for Teen Titans merchandise and some designers had created this design based on her style. Or rather, just Titans merchandise. She kept forgetting that Nightwing had changed the name as many of the members across the globe were moving out of their teenage years. Cyborg, Starfire and Nightwing were already past their teenage years at the ages of twenty-one and twenty. She and Beast Boy were the only ones still teenagers on the Titans West team. She had just turned eighteen and Beast Boy's eighteenth was approaching soon as well. It was hard to believe that it had already been four years since she joined the team, two years more than she had expected the world to last. And it was unbelievable how much they had all changed.
Cyborg was still mainly the same since he had already been mostly grown when he joined the Teen Titans, but he had toned down his loud "Booyah"s to a lower volume and began edging away from the increasingly outdated video games he had always played with Beast Boy and sometimes Robin. Starfire had become proficient in Earth expressions and was no longer confused when they said things that didn't translate directly to what the individual words meant. And though she was no longer as naive as she had been when she joined, she remained the bubbly, sweet girl she had always been. Robin had exchanged his traffic light suit and side-kick name for a darker color scheme and the name Nightwing. This happened almost directly after Starfire returned from the future and described how handsome Nightwing had been. He still hadn't grown out his hair, preferring his spiked locks to a long mane; better for fighting in his opinion and made him look less like Aqualad.
And Beast Boy. Where to start. As far as Raven knew, he had changed the most on the team, though she couldn't account for any of her own changes because she hadn't felt that she had changed at all. But for Beast Boy, the team had witnessed his transition through puberty since he joined at the age of thirteen going on fourteen. And they all agreed that it was a drastic change. His scrawny form had filled out and he had grown to be as tall as Starfire. With this growth spurt, he had also grown out of his old Doom Patrol uniforms. Though he felt bittersweet about the exchange because it seemed symbolic of leaving his childhood behind, overall he was happier with his new red and white suits that he found showed off his increasingly muscular shoulders and arms. And indeed, they were becoming more powerful. Raven couldn't help but notice that. She had also begun to notice that his jawline was much more defined than it had been and his shoulders… Oh Azar, what was happening to her?
Raven shook her head and looked at her clock. Had she really been daydreaming about Beast Boy for a whole five minutes? She sighed and locked the clasp on the notebook. The designer had conveniently added a lock to capture her air of mystery and secrecy and made the notebook perfect for her purposes. She lifted the key with a glow of dark magic and it disappeared with a twitch of her finger, sent off to Nevermore where over-curious green gremlins couldn't get it. Adorable green gremlins with pointy ears and an infectious grin… Gah!
Raven groaned as she realized that it had happened again. She roughly shoved the notebook into the drawer of her bedside table and brought her cloak to her with her magic. She fastened the clasp and pulled her hood over her head. She then opened the door and composed herself so that her face would keep the passive facade that it usually held. Raven's journey to the main ops room led her passed Beast Boy's room which only added to her frustration. He hadn't woken up yet, she could feel his presence from behind the steel door. She also picked up on distress, fear and panic. He was having another nightmare it seemed.
Raven sighed. One day, she would fight off his nightmares, comfort him. But right now, that was a boundary she wasn't willing to cross. Robin had already allowed her to enter his dreams and fight off his nightmares of Slade and other even more personal fears, but she felt uneasy about doing the same for the changeling for whatever reason. So she merely floated on knowing that in an hour or so the green Titan would shuffle into the main ops room with a sleepy grin on his face even though he was crying on the inside.
That fact alone was almost too much for her to bear, but she was too afraid to help him and she didn't know why. The corners of her mouth twitched downwards for a moment as she opened the door and floated over to the kitchen. She began heating water while she picked out the tea she would drink and took her gray mug from the drying rack where she had left it. Then she took her book off the counter top where it had been the previous night and waited for the day to play out as it would if there were no crime alerts to interrupt it.
Right on schedule, Nightwing walked in at exactly 6:45, fifteen minutes after his alarm clock went off. Fifteen minutes of the morning that he would use with maximum efficiency to get ready for the day ahead. He nodded to Raven and murmured a greeting before making himself a protein shake to take to the workout room. Once he left, Cyborg would get up come into the kitchen at some time from 7 to 7:20. He was always completely awake when he came out of his room, presumably because of the clock built into the side of his head. He would always greet Raven with a loud "G'morning, Rae Rae!" and would get to making a breakfast of eggs, bacon, and waffles while she glared daggers into the back of his head for the use of her nickname, though it had secretly grown on her since Beast Boy used it so frequently along with "mama" which she was still getting used to. Soon after Cyborg had dropped a plate of waffles in front of her, Starfire would float in lazily, a bit drowsy, but smiling none-the-less. The Tamaranian would give Cyborg a big hug but respected Raven's space and gave her a mere cheerful "hello". Next, Starfire would eat a sickening amount of waffles, grab a water bottle and fly off to the workout room to "lift weights" with Nightwing, though Raven had her own theories.
Cyborg sat down with his own plate of waffles with extra bacon piled up on the side, leaving a smaller plate for Robin when he returned. He made no attempt to make conversation between bites of waffle and bacon, knowing that Raven wouldn't be ready for chatting until a she had read for a bit longer. This was only partially true.
Raven was not ready to talk yet, but not because she wished to read more. No, she was much more occupied with her emotions and only held the book up to her face as a plausible excuse for staring straight in front of her for hours on end. She had already finished her waffles a bit ago and left the syrupy plate in front of her while she concentrated on Nevermore.
"I don't know why you don't just bust into his nightmare and start smacking things around; he'll at least be grateful to you for that if nothing else," Brave said, restlessly punching at an invisible foe in front of her. "It'll be a piece of cake."
"B-but… thats scary! What if he gets mad at us for intruding? I don't think that's a good idea, we should just leave things like they are…" Timid countered.
"Yes, that probably wouldn't be the most intelligent course of action," Wisdom said. "We need to make sure we don't scare him."
"Who cares about what he thinks?" Rude interrupted, slouching against one of the trees.
"She does. We all do. As far as I know, his is the only opinion that matters," Love stated simply.
"Azar, help me, will you all be quiet?!" Raven commanded, causing all her emoticlones to fall silent as Raven in her normal blue cloak touched down on the ground. "I can't function with you all talking at the same time!"
Wisdom stepped forward from her place leaning against the tree. "We're sorry, this is just an issue that we all feel needs to be resolved soon."
"A really attractive issue!" Love chimed in.
"A… uh… yes. That. And we all know what we want to come of this, but we are just in your head giving advice. We can't actually act on any of our own ideas, so this is the best we have," Wisdom finished.
Raven put her hands on both sides of her head and shook it with an irritated look on her face. "He is not an issue. If I ignore it, this little "crush" will go away."
"But do you want it to?"
"To what?"
"Go away?"
Raven paused and opened her eyes with more pain than irritation on her face. "Yes…and no… Its just… it hurts."
Happy put her hand on Raven's shoulder and smiled. "Its okay, we understand. Don't worry Raven, it'll turn out alright."
Raven smiled at Happy's sudden maturity. It occurred to her that she hadn't felt as much happiness as she usually would with the problem of the changeling always on her mind and that was affecting the pink emoticlone.
"Thanks guys. Sometimes I wonder why I ever get out of my own head," Raven said, smiling a little.
"Its because theres no Beast Boy in here!" Love replied.
Raven smirked and began meditating to leave Nevermore. As she did so, she faintly heard a hazy voice coming through as she returned to the real world.
…ven…Rae…Raven… RAVEN!
"RAVEN!?" Beast Boy shouted, waving his hands in his teammates' face. Raven closed her eyes tight as she adjusted to the light and when she opened them, she was greeted by gray gloves moving across her vision rapidly.
"What?" she said a little too harshly. For a brief second she realized that it must have seemed like she was ignoring him on purpose and she mentally growled at herself for being so stupid.
Beast Boy jumped back with surprise at the sudden response. "I, uh, sorry! I was just going to ask if I could have some of the hot water from your teapot, I was going to make some tofu and I needed water… yeah…" He said, nervously scratching the back of his head.
Raven looked at Beastboy, feeling a bit embarrassed. He didn't realized, but by scratching the back of his head he was unintentionally flexing his bicep and she couldn't focus quite right.
"Um, sure. Go ahead."
He grinned. "Sweet, thanks!" He ran around the island of the kitchen and crouched down to stuff his head into the cabinet that held his dehydrated tofu to find the packet that had been tossed into the back of the shelf. As his back was turned, Raven nervously looked over his back. Azar, he had gotten so much more muscular since they were kids. His back muscles rippled and shifted as he moved things around on the shelf and it wasn't long until her eyes began to travel down further…
CRASH
Beast Boy slammed his head into the roof of the cabinet with his shock at the crashing noise. He groaned for a moment before pulling his head out of the shelf and started rubbing a growing lump on his head.
"Owwww… what was that Rae?
Raven looked over at him, blushing slightly. Then she looked back down at her mug that she had dropped in her distraction.
"I, uh… just dropped my mug…"
Beast Boy got up from his position on the ground where he had been sitting after bumping his head. He picked up the broken pieces of the ceramic mug and turned them over in his hands.
"Dropping things? That doesn't sound like the cool, collected Raven I know," Beast Boy's laugh rang out clearly in the empty main ops room. Raven blushed with embarrassment and was thankful for her raised hood. Together they began picking up the pieces of the mug which had actually been shattered by her sudden spike in emotion rather than a her nonexistent butterfingers. After collecting all the pieces into Beast Boy's gloved hands, the two looked at what they had.
"This was your favorite mug, wasn't it?"
She gave a single nod. He looked down at the pieces with his brow furrowed.
"I don't think that even super glue can fix this…"
She nodded again. He looked her in the face with a wide grin.
"Well then we've got to go to the mall and find you a new one then! Come on, I'll drive!" Beast Boy said simply, grabbing her wrist and lightly tugging her towards the door. If she had meditated for any shorter than she had, Raven's face would have been cherry red from the blush that threatened to make her destroy all the other mugs in the tower. But thankfully, she had meditated, so her cheeks were only tinted pink and her face was that of a girl who was shocked to having been whisked off somewhere in a hurry.
"Its… Its really okay Beast Boy, theres other mugs in the cabinet…" She stammered.
He turned to face her and gave her a lopsided smile with his fang sticking out.
"Come on, it'll be fun! I know you probably would rather not go to the mall, with me especially, but I promise I won't do anything annoying! I mean, how could this face possibly annoy anyone?" He said, waggling his eyebrows back and forth as he struck a pose.
Raven almost giggled. Almost. What came out was more of an incredulous snort.
"Yeah. Okay, I'll give you that. You're the smoothest green bean I've ever met. Now if we're going to the mall, lets leave while theres still no crime alerts," Raven said in her trademark monotone as she pushed passed him to get to the garage, leaving him jogging to catch up to her fast pace.
"Haha, good one Rae."
Sooooooo, how is it so far? I'm planning on continuing, but you know how that goes... it may or may not get pushed off til later a few... a lot of times. I don't really know yet. A lot of this is just stuff that I imagine would happen in the Titan's tower on a regular basis, so don't take any of it as cannon even if I believe it could be. Read, review, and have a nice day! Week! Month! Whatever works best for you! (I'd go for the nice month if I were you)