Disclaimer: They aren't mine. Do you really think Bosco would be on his death bed if they were?
She doesn't know how to live anymore.
Darkness has filled her for so long, she doesn't know how to turn back. Everything she's ever loved in life has managed to leave her - her kids, her husband, her partner...
Bosco. He didn't leave willingly, but he did leave protecting her. The sounds of gunfire still cause her to wince, bringing back more memories than she can handle. Gunfire took away a year of her life that she spent in a wheelchair. Gunfire took away her partner.
He's still alive. Sort of. He's breathing on his own - he was taken off life support a long time prior. Everyone assumed that he would stop breathing, and that he would find his own place. But Bosco being Bosco... that wasn't what happened.
A feeding tube keeps him alive. No one would even think about removing that from him - if his body wanted to try to fight to survive, none of them were going to prevent that from happening. But the fact was, Bosco wasn't awake. He might never be awake again.
She goes there every day.
Sometimes it's before shift. Sometimes it's after a long one when she needs to just relax and unwind. It's no longer stressful to her - it's just part of her routine. The nurses, doctors, and aides all know her by name, greeting her as she walks into the cold building. The framework is brick and steel. There is nothing welcoming about the outside.
She sits in his room, lacing her fingers with his. She pretends. Pretends that he can hear her. Pretends that he's just sleeping and that all of it is a bad dream. She clings onto a hope that is so frail, it's almost to the point of being shattered. Bosco -will- wake up one day. Bosco will be back to teasing her mercelessly. They would be back to arguing in no time.
She would give anything to argue with him one more time.
Tonight is no different. She hadn't had time before her shift to come to see him, so she came in after. After the usual greetings to the night staff, she slid into his room, sitting in a chair next to his bed. The room is warm and inviting. There are always fresh flowers in here. There's a certain warmth that permiates despite the fact that from the outside, things are so uninviting.
She reaches for his hand, massanging the skin under her fingertips. He's clean shaven. Bandages still cover part of his face, though it's been some time since the shooting. They say that if he continues to thrive, they will operate, plastic surgeons bringing back to life the face that they all knew and loved.
"I saw your Ma yesterday," Faith begins, her voice hoarse. She spends time with Rose - both of them sharing a common bond. She tries to see Rose at least once a week, sometimes more depending on how busy her schedule is. "She's doin' good. She's gonna come an' see you tomorrow..." her voice trailed. Biting her lip, she forces herself to look at him -- really look at him. And it's like it's all fresh in her head again.
Shutting her eyes, she tries to block out the vision of blood. Squeezing Bosco's hand, she tries to make the sounds of gunfire stop. And unwillingly, a tear escapes from her eyes. She hasn't cried since that day. She doesn't know what's bringing it to the surface now.
Her emotions are raw. And the energy in the room is different tonight, making her more in touch with her feelings.
"Bosco," she states, her voice breaking slightly. "Bos, I miss you so much, an' I don't know what to do 'bout it anymore... everythin' I do... "
She shakes her head. "I'm partnered with Jelly now - can you believe it? I mean.. it's all different now. I don't put on the uniform every day no more... but the work.. an' the things I see... every time I get into a situation, I think, what would Bosco say 'bout this...."
She laughs then, her emotions so close to the edge that anyone walking into the room might have the ability to touch them.
"It's funny. When you were bein' a smart ass, I wished you'd shut up. Now I wish you'd start talkin' again and never stop..."
She wishes she could have seen the future. Though in a lot of ways, her future had been layed out for her years prior. She always knew that if Bosco was going to go down, it was going to be in a blaze of glory. Somehow, she always thought if it was going to happen, it would be out on the streets - not in what is supposed to be a safe haven like a hospital.
She's in a fog as she walks into the precinct. She wears plain clothes now - and she's had to update her entire wardrobe to accomidate for the fact that she has gone from wearing an NYPD uniform to just having a badge in her wallet. She's quiet as she walks the halls. It's a little early for the rank and file police officers to pour in, so she hopes she has time to freshen up before meeting her partner for the day.
She pushes the locker room door open. It's quiet, and she begins to make her way over towards the mirror - the same mirror that she's looked at for almost half her life.
If she shuts her eyes she can pretend. She can hear the sounds of the locker room coming to life, and the voice of her reckless partner as she gets ready to start her shift. He's complaining about being late. He's complaining about how there was terrible traffic, and how he would never ride the subways.
"Faith?"
Her eyes open, and quickly she straightens. In the mirror she sees Sully, concern lacing his eyes as he watches her form. Faith bites her lip, and then slowly turns. "Sul. Good to see you." She casts her eyes downward. She doesn't want him to know what kind of pain she's been in.
"It's been a while.." Sully's voice trails as he takes a step closer to her. "How are you holdin' up?"
"Oh, you know..." Her hands wave in front of her. "Doin' alright. One day at a time, right?"
He nods, crossing his arms over his chest. "That's sometimes all ya can do... I mean..." Sully shakes his head. "How's Bosco? You been to see him lately...?"
Her hands clench, and she nods. "He's the same..."
There was silence for a moment. And just as Sully is about to give up and go to change into his uniform, Faith found her voice once more. "It's just.. I mean... it's so hard. He's always been so strong, but now... seein' him like this... it's so hard, Sully..."
Sully regards her. He's trying to form the right words, but he doesn't quite know what to say. Somehow, saying that he's been there and knows what she's going through doesn't seem to be enough. "Are you still goin' there every day?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure that's such a good idea...?"
She's defeated. She knows that he's likely correct, but that doesn't mean she is going to heed any of the warnings that have been swirling around her head. "Of course it is," she quickly replies, defensively crossing her arms over her chest. "I have to go there, becuase he has to know that I still care. He has to know that I haven't given up on him... because if he ever thinks that...."
Her thoughts can't go there. Her thoughts can't go to what'll happen if Bosco actually died. It doesn't matter to her that he's likely already dead, and likely never going to be the same man again. Each day that he's asleep it is less and less likely that he will ever wake up.
"He wouldn't want you to be doin' this," Sully states, exhaling slowly. "You know that, Faith. He wouldn't want you doin' some kind of bedside vigil. If he were even aware of what was going on, he'd probably want to die. This isn't him... you know that that isn't him anymore in that bed..."
She walks towards the door, her head held high. She doesn't want to hear this, so she is not going to. "Good to see you too, Sul. Have a good shift."
She leaves the locker room without another word. To her credit, she makes it to an empty interragation room before breaking down into tears.
With night comes relief.
Relief from the oppressive heat that coexists with the dog days of summer. She walks down the street, her hands in her pockets. She barely glances at the scenery.
She's moving soon -- but not yet. Her divorce from Fred is far from final - but there is no way she can afford the large apartment she's lived in all of her adult life on her own. Even with the increase in salary from her promotion, it's just not enough to pay her bills. And since the kids are living with Fred, there is no reason for her to keep such a large place.
For the time being, the same old place is what she calls home. And as she enters the apartment, a certain feeling of nostalgia washs over her, like it does every time she walks in.
It's part of why she needs to get away.
She can't face these demons anymore.
She shuts the door behind her, throwing her bag down on the couch before sorting through her mail. Bill. Bill. Bill. She places the pile down on the kitchen counter. She could eat, but instead opts for a long, hot shower. As she's walking down the hall to the bathroom, she stops in her tracks.
She hasn't gone to see Bosco today.
It's the first time.
She feels guilty. And she looks back across the vast emptiness of her space before deciding to go with her original game plan.
Even the most devoted are allowed a day of rest.
The phone call came sometime after 3am, waking her out of a sound sleep. And now she is enroute to the hospital, stopping long enough to pull on some clothing before hopping into a cab. As the taxi screeches to a halt in front of the doors, she throws money towards the driver, knowing she's probably given him too much, but not really caring.
Guilt consumes her. She should have come here before going home. She shouldn't have been sleeping. She shouldn't have been thinking of herself, and instead be by his side like she had been for the last few weeks.
The doctors hadn't said what was going on - only that it was important that Faith get down to the hospital quickly. So no one is surprised to see her as she scurry's down the hallway to the room that has been her second home.
She arrives at the door, and a doctor steps out. She recognizes him - he's been there all along during Bosco's convelescence. "We thought we should call you first," he explains, motioning towards the room. "He started to scream your name... you must be someone very important to him... "
Faith's eyes widen. "He.. he spoke...?"
"We think he's coming around. And we're hoping that by you being there, it might bring him back fully. This is so rare - we thought for sure that he... well... that's not important. Would you follow me inside please...?"
She couldn't describe how she was feeling - a mixture of excitement, apprehension, fear. What if she wasn't the ingredient needed? What if he was screaming her name because he wanted to kill her? It would be worth it, she supposed, if it meant that Bosco would come back from wherever his mind had retreated to.
As they entered the room, Faith walked immediately towards the chair that she had claimed as hers. Sitting, she assumed her usual position, hand over his. He was definitely different this evening, his head moving around, and he was mumbling softly under his breath.
"Bosco." She bites her lip. "Bos.. it's me.. It's Faith. I need you to come back, Bos. So many people need you. Your Ma.... and me. I need you, Bosco..." Unwilling tears sprung to her eyes, and she didn't bother wiping them away. Her voice breaks as she continues to speak. "Please, Bos... please come back.. I miss you so much.... I'm so sorry for everything - everything I ever did... everything I blamed you for... pushing you away..."
She could see his eyelip flutter. And she gasps as his eye opens, darting around the room. He turns towards her, and his entire demeaner relaxes, as if he knows it's going to be okay because Faith is there.
"Faith..." His voice is very dry, scratchy, and hoarse from unuse. Faith is crying openly, but the tears are ones of relief as she smiles through them.
"You're gonna be okay, Bos. You're gonna be okay..."
She brings his hand her to lips and kisses it gently as the doctors move in to take his vitals.
Fini
She doesn't know how to live anymore.
Darkness has filled her for so long, she doesn't know how to turn back. Everything she's ever loved in life has managed to leave her - her kids, her husband, her partner...
Bosco. He didn't leave willingly, but he did leave protecting her. The sounds of gunfire still cause her to wince, bringing back more memories than she can handle. Gunfire took away a year of her life that she spent in a wheelchair. Gunfire took away her partner.
He's still alive. Sort of. He's breathing on his own - he was taken off life support a long time prior. Everyone assumed that he would stop breathing, and that he would find his own place. But Bosco being Bosco... that wasn't what happened.
A feeding tube keeps him alive. No one would even think about removing that from him - if his body wanted to try to fight to survive, none of them were going to prevent that from happening. But the fact was, Bosco wasn't awake. He might never be awake again.
She goes there every day.
Sometimes it's before shift. Sometimes it's after a long one when she needs to just relax and unwind. It's no longer stressful to her - it's just part of her routine. The nurses, doctors, and aides all know her by name, greeting her as she walks into the cold building. The framework is brick and steel. There is nothing welcoming about the outside.
She sits in his room, lacing her fingers with his. She pretends. Pretends that he can hear her. Pretends that he's just sleeping and that all of it is a bad dream. She clings onto a hope that is so frail, it's almost to the point of being shattered. Bosco -will- wake up one day. Bosco will be back to teasing her mercelessly. They would be back to arguing in no time.
She would give anything to argue with him one more time.
Tonight is no different. She hadn't had time before her shift to come to see him, so she came in after. After the usual greetings to the night staff, she slid into his room, sitting in a chair next to his bed. The room is warm and inviting. There are always fresh flowers in here. There's a certain warmth that permiates despite the fact that from the outside, things are so uninviting.
She reaches for his hand, massanging the skin under her fingertips. He's clean shaven. Bandages still cover part of his face, though it's been some time since the shooting. They say that if he continues to thrive, they will operate, plastic surgeons bringing back to life the face that they all knew and loved.
"I saw your Ma yesterday," Faith begins, her voice hoarse. She spends time with Rose - both of them sharing a common bond. She tries to see Rose at least once a week, sometimes more depending on how busy her schedule is. "She's doin' good. She's gonna come an' see you tomorrow..." her voice trailed. Biting her lip, she forces herself to look at him -- really look at him. And it's like it's all fresh in her head again.
Shutting her eyes, she tries to block out the vision of blood. Squeezing Bosco's hand, she tries to make the sounds of gunfire stop. And unwillingly, a tear escapes from her eyes. She hasn't cried since that day. She doesn't know what's bringing it to the surface now.
Her emotions are raw. And the energy in the room is different tonight, making her more in touch with her feelings.
"Bosco," she states, her voice breaking slightly. "Bos, I miss you so much, an' I don't know what to do 'bout it anymore... everythin' I do... "
She shakes her head. "I'm partnered with Jelly now - can you believe it? I mean.. it's all different now. I don't put on the uniform every day no more... but the work.. an' the things I see... every time I get into a situation, I think, what would Bosco say 'bout this...."
She laughs then, her emotions so close to the edge that anyone walking into the room might have the ability to touch them.
"It's funny. When you were bein' a smart ass, I wished you'd shut up. Now I wish you'd start talkin' again and never stop..."
She wishes she could have seen the future. Though in a lot of ways, her future had been layed out for her years prior. She always knew that if Bosco was going to go down, it was going to be in a blaze of glory. Somehow, she always thought if it was going to happen, it would be out on the streets - not in what is supposed to be a safe haven like a hospital.
She's in a fog as she walks into the precinct. She wears plain clothes now - and she's had to update her entire wardrobe to accomidate for the fact that she has gone from wearing an NYPD uniform to just having a badge in her wallet. She's quiet as she walks the halls. It's a little early for the rank and file police officers to pour in, so she hopes she has time to freshen up before meeting her partner for the day.
She pushes the locker room door open. It's quiet, and she begins to make her way over towards the mirror - the same mirror that she's looked at for almost half her life.
If she shuts her eyes she can pretend. She can hear the sounds of the locker room coming to life, and the voice of her reckless partner as she gets ready to start her shift. He's complaining about being late. He's complaining about how there was terrible traffic, and how he would never ride the subways.
"Faith?"
Her eyes open, and quickly she straightens. In the mirror she sees Sully, concern lacing his eyes as he watches her form. Faith bites her lip, and then slowly turns. "Sul. Good to see you." She casts her eyes downward. She doesn't want him to know what kind of pain she's been in.
"It's been a while.." Sully's voice trails as he takes a step closer to her. "How are you holdin' up?"
"Oh, you know..." Her hands wave in front of her. "Doin' alright. One day at a time, right?"
He nods, crossing his arms over his chest. "That's sometimes all ya can do... I mean..." Sully shakes his head. "How's Bosco? You been to see him lately...?"
Her hands clench, and she nods. "He's the same..."
There was silence for a moment. And just as Sully is about to give up and go to change into his uniform, Faith found her voice once more. "It's just.. I mean... it's so hard. He's always been so strong, but now... seein' him like this... it's so hard, Sully..."
Sully regards her. He's trying to form the right words, but he doesn't quite know what to say. Somehow, saying that he's been there and knows what she's going through doesn't seem to be enough. "Are you still goin' there every day?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure that's such a good idea...?"
She's defeated. She knows that he's likely correct, but that doesn't mean she is going to heed any of the warnings that have been swirling around her head. "Of course it is," she quickly replies, defensively crossing her arms over her chest. "I have to go there, becuase he has to know that I still care. He has to know that I haven't given up on him... because if he ever thinks that...."
Her thoughts can't go there. Her thoughts can't go to what'll happen if Bosco actually died. It doesn't matter to her that he's likely already dead, and likely never going to be the same man again. Each day that he's asleep it is less and less likely that he will ever wake up.
"He wouldn't want you to be doin' this," Sully states, exhaling slowly. "You know that, Faith. He wouldn't want you doin' some kind of bedside vigil. If he were even aware of what was going on, he'd probably want to die. This isn't him... you know that that isn't him anymore in that bed..."
She walks towards the door, her head held high. She doesn't want to hear this, so she is not going to. "Good to see you too, Sul. Have a good shift."
She leaves the locker room without another word. To her credit, she makes it to an empty interragation room before breaking down into tears.
With night comes relief.
Relief from the oppressive heat that coexists with the dog days of summer. She walks down the street, her hands in her pockets. She barely glances at the scenery.
She's moving soon -- but not yet. Her divorce from Fred is far from final - but there is no way she can afford the large apartment she's lived in all of her adult life on her own. Even with the increase in salary from her promotion, it's just not enough to pay her bills. And since the kids are living with Fred, there is no reason for her to keep such a large place.
For the time being, the same old place is what she calls home. And as she enters the apartment, a certain feeling of nostalgia washs over her, like it does every time she walks in.
It's part of why she needs to get away.
She can't face these demons anymore.
She shuts the door behind her, throwing her bag down on the couch before sorting through her mail. Bill. Bill. Bill. She places the pile down on the kitchen counter. She could eat, but instead opts for a long, hot shower. As she's walking down the hall to the bathroom, she stops in her tracks.
She hasn't gone to see Bosco today.
It's the first time.
She feels guilty. And she looks back across the vast emptiness of her space before deciding to go with her original game plan.
Even the most devoted are allowed a day of rest.
The phone call came sometime after 3am, waking her out of a sound sleep. And now she is enroute to the hospital, stopping long enough to pull on some clothing before hopping into a cab. As the taxi screeches to a halt in front of the doors, she throws money towards the driver, knowing she's probably given him too much, but not really caring.
Guilt consumes her. She should have come here before going home. She shouldn't have been sleeping. She shouldn't have been thinking of herself, and instead be by his side like she had been for the last few weeks.
The doctors hadn't said what was going on - only that it was important that Faith get down to the hospital quickly. So no one is surprised to see her as she scurry's down the hallway to the room that has been her second home.
She arrives at the door, and a doctor steps out. She recognizes him - he's been there all along during Bosco's convelescence. "We thought we should call you first," he explains, motioning towards the room. "He started to scream your name... you must be someone very important to him... "
Faith's eyes widen. "He.. he spoke...?"
"We think he's coming around. And we're hoping that by you being there, it might bring him back fully. This is so rare - we thought for sure that he... well... that's not important. Would you follow me inside please...?"
She couldn't describe how she was feeling - a mixture of excitement, apprehension, fear. What if she wasn't the ingredient needed? What if he was screaming her name because he wanted to kill her? It would be worth it, she supposed, if it meant that Bosco would come back from wherever his mind had retreated to.
As they entered the room, Faith walked immediately towards the chair that she had claimed as hers. Sitting, she assumed her usual position, hand over his. He was definitely different this evening, his head moving around, and he was mumbling softly under his breath.
"Bosco." She bites her lip. "Bos.. it's me.. It's Faith. I need you to come back, Bos. So many people need you. Your Ma.... and me. I need you, Bosco..." Unwilling tears sprung to her eyes, and she didn't bother wiping them away. Her voice breaks as she continues to speak. "Please, Bos... please come back.. I miss you so much.... I'm so sorry for everything - everything I ever did... everything I blamed you for... pushing you away..."
She could see his eyelip flutter. And she gasps as his eye opens, darting around the room. He turns towards her, and his entire demeaner relaxes, as if he knows it's going to be okay because Faith is there.
"Faith..." His voice is very dry, scratchy, and hoarse from unuse. Faith is crying openly, but the tears are ones of relief as she smiles through them.
"You're gonna be okay, Bos. You're gonna be okay..."
She brings his hand her to lips and kisses it gently as the doctors move in to take his vitals.
Fini