Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.
If you don't want to read something dark, then I'd recommend that you don't read this. :) Just a warning!
I want you to look at yourself. To really look at yourself. I want you to step in front of that dusty and smudged mirror and see yourself for what you are. I want you to see every truth and every scratch and every mark that you're made of. Stand in front of that mirror and see the person standing in it. Flick your hair, redo your lipstick, pout your already pouty lips. But know, truly know, that what you're doing won't matter. Because you'll still be who you are. You'll just be yourself with better hair and lipstick. You'll still be that dirty scum on the bottom of everyone's shoes. You'll still be that ghost that no one notices.
You'll be you.
And that's the scariest thing to realize.
But what's scarier, is that when I look at myself, I don't see myself. Instead, I see the wall and bookshelf behind me. I can see the frames and photographs. I can see everything, but myself. I know I'm real. But I don't know how real I am. But I'm slowly losing myself in something that I don't know. It's a mist of darkness and black and pain. I can hear it. I can smell it. It's by my ear and it's whispering things to me. Oh, it's whispering to me and it knows my secrets.
The darkness knows that I can't see myself. It knows that I've never been able to see myself. It knows that I'm nothing. It knows everything and I know nothing. I bow down to this darkness and give it my hand. The darkness smirks and pulls me closer to the edge of the bitter wind, it's claws pulling at every strength that I've managed to possess. But I'm fighting and trying to stay in the light of the world. I want to be light. I want to be airy. But then, the darkness reminds me of the girl.
The girl.
The wonderful girl.
Her name is Clare Edwards. She's the girl that can see herself in the mirror. And if she were to look at the dirty and smudged mirror, nothing would happen. She'd see perfection. Because that's what she is; perfection.
The darkness chuckles at my pain. But the chuckle is deep and it growls with spite. It knows everything. It knows what I feel for the girl.
I feel everything for her.
She's that perfect Autumn day when you were little, when everything seemed perfect. Especially when your parents would rake up leaves and you'd jump in, and the cracks and crunches would cause giggles to erupt in your throat. Because nothing was better than that feeling. With the warm leaves surrounding you and that light air that surrounded everything you touched.
That's Clare Edwards.
But my darkness always cancelled her out.
She's now with Jake Martin. They had sex. Her purity ring sits on his necklace. It glows brightly in the sun. The ring clinks and clanks on his neck and it's almost as if it is mocking me. Mocking the darkness that has a hold of me, mocking the darkness that has its dirty little fingers wrapped around my gut; showing no mercy. But then, when I look at her, a smile is planted casually on her lovely lips. Her grin is wide and it could compare to the sun. She's happy with him. She gave him everything that I wanted.
Everything I want.
Her name is Clare Edwards and she's perfection.
I'm Elijah Goldsworthy. I'm nothing.
And the more I stare at myself in the dirty and smudged mirror, the more the darkness comes closer to me. It's creaking and coming. It's going to swallow me whole and I can feel it spread in my lungs and wrap its strong body around my throat. But I continue to stare. I want to see something. I need to see something. I need to see the boy I used to be. I want to be the little kid that would be buried deep into the pile of leaves. I want to be the kid who doesn't know the definition of pain. But that kid is nowhere to be found. He's probably dead; just like everything I touch. Or he's probably just like me; nothing.
Or he's like Clare Edwards. Perfect.
So fucking perfect.
The darkness has me. It's pulling and I'm letting it take me. I give it the key into me and it takes it and uses it to open every door inside of me that I've kept hidden. It's flaunting the girl that I killed. It's flaunting the parents that have fought for me. It's flaunting Clare Edwards. It's flashing her scent everywhere and showing the clearest of blue. It has me. And the darkness knows it.
The darkness knows that the only thing that I'd say to the blue-eyed girl would be the three words that have always brought me hell. The darkness knows everything. And I don't mind. Because I'm becoming nothing.
And I can feel the darkness of the pills grab me completely and pull me, and suddenly, I'm gone.
I'm nothing.
Dark. ...Very dark. I'm sorry for the angst! I've been writing a lot of fluff lately, and I just wanted to add this in and give you guys a little bit of darkness. I hope that you enjoyed! And if not, I'm very sorry!
Review, please? ;)