A/N: School sucks. (lol) I keep having these great moments of inspiration during the week, but I never have time to write. Then, by the time I do have time on my hands to write, the inspiration is gone. *sigh* It is very depressing. So, at least for tonight, I'm attempting a different route. I am going to multi-task by writing my paper and writing this oneshot at the same time. Wish me luck! XD
This fic is post 4x03. The idea just popped into my head. Hopefully, it won't be too unrealistic. ;)
*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.
….
"How was it seeing Chuck with Eva?" Serena had asked.
Horrible? Awful? The most despicable thing she'd ever had to witness in her entire life? Maybe not the latter, but it had still been pretty bad. Despite being away from him all summer and hoping she could just heal and move on, she hadn't. Every attempt had been thrown in her face with a mocking laugh.
"What if I never get over Chuck?"
It was becoming painfully obvious that that was exactly the case, and it scared her to a degree she was not willing to think about at any extended length of time. It was normal that it would take awhile for her to get through this mourning period, since she'd been involved with Chuck for so long, but it seemed as if it would never end, as if she'd always have that gaping pit with its bleeding cracks in the center of her heart still beating for her one and only.
Yes, she still loved him. There was no way she could tell him. He didn't deserve that. But she had to face the truth that no matter how horribly he had hurt her, the reality was that it only cut off any possibility of her taking him back, it didn't stop the steady, rapid, lingering beating of her heart – for him, and him alone.
Every time she tried to move on during the summer, even for a lousy lay, she found herself disgusted. She wanted to be appreciated by someone who would treat her right, the way she deserved to be treated. All she found herself longing for however was that time could be erased to before Jack had come back into their lives and destroyed their tightly held bonds.
Perhaps their love wasn't enough to save them from all trials and tribulations.
She didn't want to believe it, but there didn't seem to be a defense to counter the accusation.
Serena was sleeping now. The lights were off in her room and Blair desperately wished she could squash the sight of Chuck apparently reuniting with Eva in a very similar manner to which she had reunited with him before everything had gone wrong – again. It was like dejavu, only it depressed her more than the experience ever had before. Dejavu was meant to be amusing, intriguing, or just plain weird. But this was depressing. Then, she'd wanted to know badly if she approached him, would he deny her? Had he really moved on so quickly? It hadn't seemed so on that bridge in Paris where she'd stopped him from running away. But she hadn't seen him with Eva then. Perhaps if Eva had been there on the scene, things would have gone differently.
She was getting restless. Tossing the covers back, she climbed out of bed, and now quite agitated began to pace. It took her awhile to realize she was biting her nails, and even longer to discover that she'd twisted her hair around her finger so tightly that she was beginning to lose circulation. She didn't think that was possible.
She couldn't go to Chuck's. She couldn't. Eva would be staying there, and that would make things even more awkward. Besides, she'd been the one to call things off, regardless if it was obvious that was the only thing she could do. Still, the gnawing sensation would not leave her alone. She opened the door into the bathroom and then into Serena's new bedroom to see if she was asleep, and as she suspected she was. She sighed, resigned, and turned back to her own room.
She would get over this. All she had to do was find some way to fall asleep – sleeping pills maybe? In the morning, she would be feeling much better. Or at least she'd have the bubbly blonde to keep her distracted from what would surely be constant blurbs about Chuck and his new girl. It depressed her already. After how far she'd gone to get him, it was unfair that a single meeting in Prague had granted this supposedly innocent nobody access to the biggest womanizer New York had ever known. He wasn't the same either. Was it her imagination or had he practically become an annoyingly nice person to everyone but her? As if she was unworthy to be in his vicinity at all, like she was beneath him.
Yes. This was the perfect excuse not to go to Chuck's and accuse him of being heartless to her, despite the fact that she'd been the one to insist he come back to New York. He'd surely throw that in her face, since she seemed to be the only one he was willing to be a little edgy to. Why was it always her now? Her fault she was being treated this way because she'd broken up with him, she'd insisted he come back, she – she – she!
It was exhausting to think about, but unfortunately not so much that her eyes grew weary. Her eyes just burned in anticipation of the tears to come. She told herself that her crying in front of him would surely guilt trip him enough that he would back off on the PDA so much in front of her, but of course that wouldn't stop her from thinking about what he did with Eva when no one was around.
She covered her mouth with a pillow and screamed.
…
Much to her dismay, she realized only after she'd climbed into the limo that she had not changed out of her pajamas. She'd been too preoccupied with the rash action she was taking. There had been plenty of reasons for her not to follow through with the demand her fiery passion was ensuing in her. The time she'd had to think had been endless too. She was going to blame it on restlessness, though she could very easily have forced Serena awake and made her go to sleep somehow.
She knew that would have been useless though. When Serena fell asleep there was no waking her, and on the off chance that you were successful in that ploy, she would fall back asleep the moment you looked away for even a second.
The elevator door chimed. When nobody came out to see who'd come, her first thought was that she'd come at the most inopportune time – when Chuck and Eva were being…intimate. She nearly threw up in her mouth. Then, she wondered where Nate was, if he was sleeping here tonight, if he was asleep period. As the seconds passed and a full two minutes went by, she started to panic. She certainly wasn't going to storm into Chuck's room, demanding to talk. And it was very likely that Chuck and Eva were having sex. After all, they'd just reunited.
She sighed and turned around, pressing the elevator button again as she waited for the doors to open. Her mind was filled with embarrassment and shame, but also with the question of what she could possibly do in order to sleep tonight. Would it be another sleepless night like so many of the others over the summer? It would probably be worse because the nightmares – when she finally did sleep – wouldn't involve nameless whores, but a real girlfriend, one Chuck seemed to be quite enraptured with.
She cringed and swallowed, feeling as if she'd just purged and then swallowed again the remains of her meal. As if her nasty habit had gone in reverse. Her eyes watered just thinking about it. She didn't even hear the murmuring in the hall behind her.
"Blair?"
There it was. The voice she'd been dreading and longing to hear all night long in her restless sleep. The doors opened, but she'd already turned toward him and she wasn't fast enough to escape the deadly stare resting in his beautiful brown eyes.
She blinked away the tears and composed herself.
"You're still awake," she said, forcing a small smile. He gestured to the hall behind them.
"Eva and I were just going to bed." He started walking towards her. "What are you doing here?"
She cringed with every word that he said. Eva. Going to bed. What are you doing here? All those insecurities and dread came rushing back, and she hated that she'd forgotten to make an excuse in case she became too timid to follow through with what she'd planned. This time around, it seemed, she was going to have to go with the truth. She'd come all this way after hours of tossing and turning in her bed. If she failed now, at least she could say it hadn't been for nothing, that she'd tried.
She edged closer to him. "You and I need to talk, Chuck."
He tensed slightly, but nodded.
"Chuck?" came the call from the hallway and it was all Blair needed to jump up and run away, hoping the doors would open immediately and Chuck wouldn't try to run after her. She was sure he wouldn't.
"I…have to get something real quick," he called back to her, not turning away from Blair's hesitant, wavering eyes now floating to the floor. "You can go to bed without me. I'll be in soon."
"Alright," the faint, sweet voice said. The sound of the bedroom door closing followed shortly after. Then it was just them, alone in the living room. Only a few lights were on, and the moonlight streamed through the window.
Chuck gestured to the couch and though Blair followed him to the area surrounding, her wobbly legs wouldn't let her sit down. If she was going to run, she had to be ready. Sitting would only slow her down. The voice in her side that pounded her denial to the death told her she wouldn't be running away from here though. Still, she refused to sit.
Several long moments passed, unbeknownst to her.
"I know it's ridiculous that I even thought this might be the reason, but have you possibly come to apologize for how you treated Eva this afternoon?"
She looked up at him, shocked at the bitterness in his tone and also the demand that was threatened beneath the surface. Instinctively, she scoffed.
"No. Why should I? She stole—"
Everything froze. Chuck was tensed. Her mouth hung open for an eternity before she managed to shut it. Idiot, she scolded herself mercilessly, wishing her legs would suddenly move and rush toward the elevator. Better to leave him in shock than stand here and remain speechless, waiting for him to say something that would offer her an escape.
Finally, he cleared his throat.
"What did you want to talk about Blair?" he asked carefully. "If it wasn't…that."
Daintily, she allowed herself to sit on the couch. He still stood across from her, watching her every move.
"I was going to offer some advice," she said calmly, not looking at him.
"Advice," he said doubtfully.
"Mhmm. On your relationship."
He should've been amused, but instead the wariness in him was only heightened. He sat slowly in the chair opposite her.
"With Eva," she clarified, finally looking at him again.
"So I gathered."
"Yes, well, I would appreciate it if you weren't so…" her hands moved around in half-subtle circles. "obvious with her."
He raised his eyebrows.
"You know," she continued, "if you were a little more…modest in how you act around her in front of other people."
"In front of you, you mean."
"I didn't say that," she snapped.
"But it's what you meant."
She sighed. "Chuck, it's embarrassing. Don't you want people's respect?"
"You didn't mind the much more aggressive PDA you and I had when we were dating," he mused. She hated that he'd gone from concerned to amused in what seemed a space of two seconds.
"That's because I was the one involved in the relationship. I'm sure Eva doesn't mind you kissing her in public," she hissed.
He analyzed her carefully. "If you're referring to the kiss we shared at the party, I believe I had every right to indulge in that moment. I'd just told her every horrible, distasteful thing I did and she'd been unable to stand it. Then, she'd come back and forgiven me." He paused. "I was overjoyed, and simply couldn't control myself."
"Chuck, stop!" She swatted his wandering hand away. He pushed her up against the wall, feeling around for the knob on the closet door and then pushing her inside, whispering hotly into her ear.
"Sorry, Blair, I just can't control myself around you." He pressed himself against her so she could feel his rock hard erection throbbing inside his pants, eager to get out and inside of her. "You're so damn hot."
She moaned and clutched at him. "Chuck."
He kissed her neck, biting into the skin. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she pulled his closer, her nails digging into his scalp as her heel traveled up the back of his leg.
She blinked. "I thought you were trying to change." She smiled coolly.
"Believe it or not, Blair, there are some things that come naturally to all human beings. Impulsive actions in relieving, exciting moments amongst them."
She fought the feeling to start screaming at him. This had been a horrible idea, just as she'd known it would. What had convinced her to come – really? Did she want to give in to him, just because she was jealous and her wounds were cut even deeper whenever she saw them together? No. He didn't deserve another chance and he wasn't going to get one. She knew that much for sure.
She moved her hand to smooth down what should have been her skirt, only to find silk pajamas. She paused the movement, flushing.
"Nice pajamas," he commented.
Now she was thoroughly embarrassed and planned to cry herself to sleep. The exhaustion from that alone would surely get her sleeping deeply.
"Well, I think I should go." She stood to her feet, and started to turn away from him. "Nice seeing you again, Chuck." Very hesitatingly, and what appeared to be a very confused manner, Chuck stood to his feet. "Have fun screwing your girlfriend."
Shivers erupted through her even as she said the words and his hand was on her arm before she reached the elevators. She hadn't heard him calling out to her. Her mind was spinning to fast.
"Blair, stop. Tell me why you really came."
Her eyes glittered, somehow holding the tears at bay. "I told you why I came."
"What else?"
It was becoming harder to breathe. Her shoulders slumped and her head hung in sorrow, one tear dribbling down her cheek. When she looked up at him, he released his hold on her, stunned.
"It's just hard for me to see you with her," she said softly, losing control on her emotions. She saw the guilt and concern that filled his eyes again and squashed the screaming 'Take him back! You love him! Ask him – just one kiss!' that resounded in her mind. "I don't want you back. That's not it. I just…" Her breaths were shaky. "It hurts in my whole body." She shook unknowingly, shivers rippling down her arms, as the memory of when she'd made the same confession to Serena took over her.
He said nothing.
She scoffed in an insult to herself, disbelief that she'd come this far to have nothing. "I fought so hard for you, Chuck. I did anything and everything you asked, and I loved you…so much. And when you finally break me beyond what can be fixed, you run away to some foreign country just like you always do and you come back with a real girlfriend – after three months!" Her voice was starting to rise but she couldn't control it. "And she's the center of your world, Chuck, I see it. It's like what we had doesn't even matter to you, like you're trying to erase it." She sighed shakily, more tears running down her cheeks. She shook her head mournfully. "Maybe you're doing it to block out the pain…I don't know, but it's still hurting me, Chuck. I don't deserve that."
"You were the one who told me to come back," he said, after the tense, heated silence that enveloped around them again. "I said it would be easier if I didn't. You wouldn't be hurting if you'd just let me—"
"You were running away from what you'd done, not just moving to another place or taking a really long vacation. I couldn't let you do that."
"Why?"
"Because I care about you, Chuck. You're no good to anyone else if you're running from your past, too ashamed to face it."
"So, if my coming back is making me a better person for other people to be around, like Eva, who I'm guessing is a person in my life, then shouldn't you be glad?"
She sighed and reluctantly nodded, only wanting to crawl into the corner and cry until there was no light left in the universe that could get her to open her eyes.
"Yes, you're right. I should be. But you're not growing the way coming back should have made you. You're just pretending to be someone else."
"That's not for you to determine."
"Depends on the point of you, the perspective, you're saying?"
"Yes."
She took a step toward him. "If that's so, from your perspective, do I still love you?" She meant to dare him, to push him out of his ridiculous belief, but by doing so she'd let the subject come up that she'd sworn she wouldn't even think about while she was there. Now she was in a corner she couldn't back out of.
"Do you?" he countered.
"Would you leave Eva right now if I told you I did?"
What was she doing? She screamed at herself. She was letting her need for him take control when what she really needed to do was slap him in the face and hold her foot down steady and stiff in the ground. Problem was the ground in which she stood on was becoming increasingly slippery.
His breath caught in his throat. His mind was spinning. His heart beat so fast he could hear it in his own ears. What she was saying, whether hypothetically or not, was the very dare he'd hoped to take advantage of somehow, or the sort he would have set her up for during any other time when she decided he'd done something not worth forgiving.
"Yes," he breathed, surprised that he was still standing.
"So, it is just a façade." She took a step back.
He frowned, desperation crawling through him. Had he been on the verge of getting her back? How could he lose her so quickly if that had been true?
"Blair—" he reached for her.
She shook her head at him. "You're not really trying at all. This is just some replacement scotch."
"I'm trying to become a better person," he ground out.
"For who? Yourself, I hope."
"You."
Her eyes widened and she nearly lost her balance, stumbling backwards.
"You should be doing this for you, Chuck. You know I'll never forgive you."
"I am doing this for me," he insisted.
"You're not."
"I want to be worthy of you." He reached for her arm again and held her wrists in his hands. "Please, Blair."
She shook her head in disbelief. "Are you seriously doing this? Fighting for me now when you have a girlfriend in your bedroom who you probably had make-up sex with just before I came?" Her eyebrows narrowed.
"I didn't think I had a shot with you!"
"You don't!"
He released her wrists roughly and backed away, frustrated. "Damn it, Blair, stop giving me mixed signals. I know you still love me."
"That's ridiculous. I told you I don't back in Paris, and you know I was telling the truth. You saw how hard it was for me."
He pursed his lips tightly. "I remember."
Time passed between them again and she wished it didn't happen so frequently. She folded her arms across her chest and huffed.
"I'm jealous," she confessed. "There's no way I'll ever take you back, but it hurts so badly to see you with her. It makes everything you did so much worse."
"I still love you," he said. "Our story…what happened between us, it didn't mean nothing." He sighed. "I just hurt so badly because I know I can never fix what happened and it kills me. Eva helps me forget."
She nodded. "But in forgetting, you're pushing me away. I see it. You act like I'm beneath you, but I'm not doing anything differently. You're just pretending to be someone you're not, some self-righteous freak like Humphrey or Vanessa."
He stared at her hopelessly, not even on the defense.
"I'm sorry," he said, the quiet tone of his voice chilling her to the bone. And as daring as she shouldn't have been, she looked up at him.
"I'm afraid to let you touch me."
He held his breath.
"But I need you to."
Her eyes pleaded for his warmth. Very hesitantly, he closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around her. The tension seeped out of her as she collapsed against his chest.
"I miss you, Chuck," she sniffled. His heart was aching – tense with the knowledge that this would all be gone the moment she left. "I miss you so much," she sobbed, burying her face in his shirt to keep her voice from rising. He kissed the top of her head and she felt soothing shivers spread throughout her body. She felt safe and warm, snuggled against him. Here she could pretend that none of the bad had happened and that it was just them now, that he'd just been away for a very long time and that he was comforting her on his return because she'd cried every night in his absence.
The heat of her body left him as she stepped away, but he felt her hand on the side of her face and could not turn away from the deep brown of her eyes.
"I wish it could go back to before," she said sadly. Her hand dropped to her side. She looked up at him. "I wish you hadn't hurt me."
One last look and she turned to leave. He didn't stop her, but she wanted him to. Part of her desperately wanted to believe the heart grew fonder after time apart and that that healed all wounds.
But it didn't.
So, she went back home and soundly slept, dreaming of being in his arms, and Chuck went to bed and held Eva to him, wishing he'd found a way to keep Blair from leaving.
….
A/N: Is it bad that I was seriously contemplating an official reunion here? *sigh* Cause I was. I just knew though that I'd get a million reviews telling me it wasn't realistic. *sigh* Ah well. Hope you enjoyed the angst. Please review. ;)
*If you're impatient for MMB, you will have to hold on awhile longer. I'm working out the final kinks as the story is coming close to its end, and in doing so, I'll probably finish the story before I start posting again. So, on the downside, you'll have to wait awhile before more updates come, but on the bright side, once the updates start coming again, they will be coming very fast. ;) Thanks to those of you who are still holding on! I love you much!