"Remind me why I'm out here again?" I muttered swatting at yet another mosquito.
My tour guide was already ten paces ahead of me and not showing any signs of slowing down. Couldn't say that I minded too much. The view from back here was pretty spectacular considering his backside was a chiseled piece of human perfection that probably deserved a place in the Louvre. I took a moment to admire it. And promptly tripped on a sneaky tree root.
I lost my footing and fell forward. And my ninety ton backpack came crashing down on top of me. I think I made one of those "umph" noises like a quarterback getting tackled by a squad of ginormous linebackers. In an effort to save face, I tried pushing myself up quickly, but the pack was too heavy. Let's just say there was a lot of grunting, clawing, and creative swearing by the time I managed to make myself vertical again. No thanks to Mr. Wilderness. His backside wasn't even in view anymore. The jerk had gone on without me!
From where I stood I had two choices. I could suck up my annoyance and humiliation and just continue on with the stupid hike. OR I could punish my travelling companion by staying put and making him panic when he suddenly realized I was missing. My lips curled into a dark grin. That is until something rustled in the bushes and I took off down the trail like a bat out of hell. The punishment wouldn't be nearly as effective anyway if I was dinner for a bear and couldn't be around to enjoy any of the aftermath.
Five minutes later I saw a familiar dark form off in the distance. Hopefully it wasn't familiar because I'd seen a similar silhouette on one of those unsolved mystery shows. It paused a moment before turning around.
"Find your hiking legs again, babe?" he called.
I narrowed my eyes. Even in the dim light of the shadowy trails, I knew there was a smug look on his face. He was enjoying himself. At my expense. Once again I was his entertainment.
Most of the time, I was ok with this. He led a pretty serious life and dealt with things that would probably give most people nightmares. His smiles were few and far between, and I had a feeling the ones that snuck onto his face on the rare occasion were mostly attributed to me. Probably because I'd done something stupid. But hey, at least someone could benefit from my mishaps, right?
We pressed onward, me panting like a dog, him breezing along like this was just a fun walk in the park. Finally we came to a spot with a circular-shaped rock formation that I assumed was a fire pit.
"Wow," I said sarcastically. "You didn't spare any expenses with the amenities, did you?"
Ranger removed his pack from his shoulders. Then he came over and helped me with mine.
He kissed me on the head. "Nope. This place even has pit toilets and drinkable water."
Before I had a chance to ask what exactly a "pit toilet" was, Ranger started shoving some of the pack contents into my arms. Like tent poles and other wildernessy objects. I looked them over and remembered why I didn't do the whole rugged outdoorsy scene. I had trouble just putting together a 24-piece puzzle. There was no way I was going to manage constructing an entire tent.
Ranger glanced up and frowned slightly. "It's getting dark. Think you can manage some of this stuff while I go rustle up some firewood?"
Um, I'm gonna have to go with a "hell no" on that one.
"Or I guess you could go find the firewood," he added with a twitch of a smile.
I glanced past him into the darkening woods. Yogi was still probably lurking around out there waiting to make me into a Steph kabob. Of course that was if the bogeyman didn't happen to find me first. I decided it was probably better to take my chances with the tent. How hard could it be, right?
Ranger grabbed a hatchet then disappeared into the brush barely making a sound. And I set to work taking inventory of my camping junk. Pole thingies: check. Longer pole thingies: check check. Water repellent fabric: check. Large rubber hammer: check. Stringy rope business: check. Looks like I was all set.
I squinted my eyes shut for a moment and wished the tent into being. It refused to cooperate, so I started assembling the pole thingies. Five minutes later, I had something that resembled tent poles. Well that was easy enough. If I kept up with this shocking string of events, I'd have the best tent ever in like five more minutes. Wrong!
The poles got all crazy when I got the fabric and rope involved. My "best tent ever" was starting to look more like one of those brain teaser puzzles. I kept at it though. Stephanie Plum was not a quitter.
My heart froze when I heard some rustling nearby. "Hello?" I asked with a slight tremor in my voice. Nothing responded. It was probably just the wind. Except then there was more rustling. It sounded kind of angry. Like maybe an "I'm very hungry" kind of angry. Like maybe my Yogi friend was back.
I raced to Ranger's pack and dug around for one of the weapons I knew would be buried somewhere inside. Except it was dark enough that I couldn't really see anything anymore. The rustling grew louder, and I grabbed the first thing that I could get my hands on before whipping around.
Ranger was suddenly standing behind me with a huge grin on his face. "Planning on combing my hair, babe?" he smirked. Rats. I'd hoped it was a knife.
I made a face. "Who brings a comb camping anyway?"
He shrugged. Then he glanced at the mess that was supposed to be the tent. "What the hell happened to that?" he asked, eyebrow raised. I could tell he was really fighting a smile.
I marched over to it and crawled inside. "It may not be the Ritz, but I think I did a great job." Or course this was said right before the damn thing collapsed on me. I just continued laying there in the pile of tent pieces.
I heard barely audible footsteps approach. Part of me hoped it was Yogi. Being eaten by a bear sounded like a lot more fun than camping right now anyway.
"You comin' out?" Ranger asked.
"Nope."
"You sure? It's going to get cold here soon now that the sun's gone down."
Great. Now I had hypothermia to look forward to.
"I'm fine, thanks," I grumbled. The footsteps retreated and I heard the crackle of burning wood not long after. Figures. Ranger was Captain Boy Scout.
A shiver ran up my spine, but I was still feeling too stubborn to crawl out of my sulk nest to go over and get warm by the fire. Ranger could be warm and comfortable all by himself. At least that was my thought process until something savory wafted through the air. Damn. Ranger was playing dirty.
I tried crawling out of the tent mess without making a sound, but my feet were all caught up in the strings. I tumbled out of it with about as much grace as a baby elephant. Ranger's back was to me, but I was pretty sure I saw his shoulders shaking.
"Hungry?" he asked over his shoulder.
"Depends what's on the menu."
I tried to look beyond him to see what was cooking over the fire, but his figure blocked my view.
"Prepare your palette for ground squirrel, babe. I seasoned it pretty well. Should taste like chicken."
That was it! I'd had it with camping! The bugs were bad enough, but throw in a pit toilet, some creepy stalking animals, a backpack that had probably crippled me, an impossible tent, and having to eat ground squirrel and you had all the components of my own personal hell. So I did what any other person would do in my painful hiking boots. I sat down on the ground and started bawling.
Ranger walked over and took a seat next to me. "Sorry about the ground squirrel bit. It's just stew, babe. I promise."
"I hate camping!" I wailed. "I want my apartment with heat and running water and a freaking flushing toilet! And I want a greasy cheeseburger with a coke and fries and a monster milkshake! And I can't even leave because I'll probably get lost and die!"
"You're probably just hungry," Ranger offered seemingly unfazed by my overly emotional tirade. He pulled me to my feet and walked me over to the fire. He placed a warm bowl of stew in my hands and wrapped a comforting arm around my waist pulling me even closer to him. I took a few bites after the sobbing sniffles subsided. The stew wasn't half bad.
"Feeling better?" he asked after my bowl was empty.
"Maybe a little," I admitted. "But I still hate camping."
"I bet I can change your mind about that," he said seductively.
I felt a little flutter in my stomach. "Oh?"
His lips brushed mine, and suddenly the night air didn't feel quite so cold anymore. He pulled back and it took me several minutes to notice he'd placed something in my lap. I glanced down and almost started crying again. There was a package of graham crackers, some marshmallows, and five bars of chocolate. Batman remembered to pack the stuff for s'mores!
While I sat and burned my marshmallows, Ranger went and worked on the tent mess. Ten seconds later, he'd constructed the perfect tent. Literally. The thing didn't even look wrinkled. He moved all our gear into the tent and then came and sat down next to me.
"Want one?" I asked, my mouth still half full of sugary goo.
He slid a thumb across my lower lip and licked it. "Looks like you probably ate enough for the both of us."
"Ha. Ha."
"Besides, the fire's almost out anyway."
I shivered. "Yeah. It's freezing out here. I can't stop fantasizing about my nice, warm bed back home. How can you enjoy all this outdoorsy stuff?"
"It's peaceful out here," he replied. "Simple. Puts things in perspective."
"Yeah, like the value of modern conveniences," I muttered.
He suddenly grabbed me by my jacket and slammed his mouth against mine. He pulled me onto his lap and my toes curled in response to his passionate kisses. When he finally let me pull away, I was gasping for air.
"Whoa," I panted. "What was that?"
"Still missing those modern conveniences?" he asked with a smirk.
"Umm…"
He stood and pulled me to my feet before backing me toward the tent.
"Don't you think it's a little cold for…you know?" I asked, eyeing the sleeping bags that had been strategically zipped together.
Ranger crawled into the tent before tugging me in behind him. "By the time I'm done with you," he said with a wolfish grin, "you'll be all sweaty and begging for the cold."
Oh boy. Maybe all this crazy camping stuff had some perks after all.