AN/ No-beta, YAOI, Strong content, M rate. TRIGGER ALERT. Don't expect much, like really, I have had a difficult writer's block, anyways, this story is not to be read in one day, please keep close eye to certain circumstances, do not try to read this quickly, if you do, you will get bored and lose the actual connection you should create with each character. Ugh, read it till the end… at least.
This is slightly different from anything I have done so far, I HOPE you get the point across, ugh c'mon read it till the end, is slowly built but has good parts lol
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH INUYASHA, personal fic.
Summary: We are not who you think we are.
PS: Listen to (I) love from GUMI
OOOOO
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Humans
Youki's POV
I spent three months in a mental hospital and what I discovered there changed my perspective on what judgment and prejudices can do to perception. I thought perspective gave your clear-cut perception but truth is most of the time viewpoint can slacken the speediness in which you discover true reality. What I found was less edgy than everyone could have told me this place would be.
When one thinks about a place like that, creepiness comes into the picture, but judging a place in fearsome of their residents would be either degrading a person for their mental health and/or the people who assist them. We can blame Hollywood for it, always using the place as some ultra-scary place where lunatics roam without strings, where inhuman experimentation, violence and murder can happen and take place as often as the sun arises.
I found many stereotypes are due to speculations and some expectative of sheer dehumanization for people who suffer their illness externally. I found many people regard a mental illness as death sentence. Truth is, news and locals buzz over bulletins of scandalous reports of a –note the emphasis- schizophrenic murdering a mass of innocent people. And to the freak-thirsty world, mentally ill people equal insanity, lunacy, dehumanization, animalistic behavior, and every other madness synonym.
Another thing I noticed throughout the process is the overwhelming fact that murderers in series and violent assassins are often regarded as "probably/ surely is, naturally is mentally ill" While some of these claims maybe right, the way media guides it is unfairly distorted, I can only say some are an utter derange between miscarriage and misconception of terms.
I can't blame Hollywood spectators and media consumers –everyone- to be scandalized when they get to learn a mentally ill person is sitting right next to them.
Time and media has only served the wrong way, the fallacy of claiming people hosted in a mental health hospital are upright dangerous have led people to be genuinely apprehensive around them, especially if they learn they are in fact around one. Like I said, I can't blame them. Sad is, many of those news, many of those reports are yes, upbeat sensationalism in tries to call morbid attention, unfortunately they impact negatively the way mentally ill people are perceived. And in between this perception, comes the curious and saturnine mention of getting to generalize mentally ill people.
People like me.
…but
We are not who you think we are.
OOOO
The first day, I was introduced to Hayama Kazuo, at first sight, I could describe him as a lousy boy with a somewhat exasperating eat-shitty grin of a know-it-all, positively he seemed the type of guy you could never tell a gossip to because he would be outright bored, but the type of guy who could make you shake off a problem with a superficial yarn.
And they tell you to never judge someone by their external view, but at that time, I did right. Kazuo was correctly, the type of guy I imagined him to be. Confidently, He happened to be a well-mannered guy with a hint of malice.
I learned in a few hours of being introduced to him that he was there due to a long-term syndrome, the Tourette syndrome. This meant he did involuntary noises, he also had motor tics which traduced in randomly outstretched physical movements, for the people that lacked information about this syndrome, watching Kazuo struggle against his illness equaled amusement.
Sure the loud noises he suddenly made were odd if you were unfamiliar around him, but very apart from the suffering everyone dismissed to witness, I learned that Kazuo was stupidly and downright hilarious.
Easily I found about Ayame Deko, a red-haired with a fine gesture of enticement and in a very appealing way, it only served to enhance to an enjoyable level her vulgar manners, Ayame was in all the peculiarity of her posture a very charming person, not that she wasn't rubbish and somewhat rude, because she was, Ayame was at some point annoying, exasperating and to my opinion she could make a joke a very insulting matter, but once again, it was all due to her loutish flippancy.
It was not that Ayame didn't have friends, fortunately and to match her offbeat ways of flipping around, she had a rather large number of people around her, yet they could all roll their eyes if she were to extend some rubbish vulgarity.
Ayame was that of a much lightened interstellar sprinkle of I-do-what-I-please with the witty remark of I-do-what-I-want, counting the paraphrasing, Ayame ruled her world in a strange ignominy of psychedelic fantasy of bemuse. Still the reason she was here never remained a secret for me, she was known for her constant mania of raking her nails up and down her skin, an obsessive compulsive disorder lead her to some strange dreary self-detriment without even wanting.
One day I committed to find what did she do in her free times, when people claimed she was quiet and very far from her usual bosh self. After therapy and when I noticed her absence from her usual group, I decided to sneak into the dorms and that's when I met a whole different person, Ayame was so inclined into the artistry of aquarelles and oils, it amazed me how a compulsive person like her own could repair into something as beautiful as her sketches and paints were.
Ayame was a true artist. And it never ceased to amaze me.
In the travel that meant going to the gardening section I found about Imiya Maki, a self-centered person that you imagine with a dark tank top and a lousy jacket, the type of girl you assume is boring without even getting to know her, Maki had this peaceful vibe of someone who is long ago trialed and when I observed her about this, she showed me a grin and told me people said she had the soul of a wise man.
With time I found myself agreeing to that.
Maki became an immediate source of relief and she became one of my closest friends, her grey eyes were always steady on the horizon and she preferred to be lamely distanced from physical contact, option which I as well shared. Still in more than one occasion her straightforward yet comforting words were lyrical content in my dappled mind, and many times it was her voice that shook me off the despondent trace, Maki was in short a wise person.
Even if her life decisions defied the fact that she was sagacious, I always defended the idea; no matter how low did she feel like landing. Maki's former drug abuse led her to a debatable "non-returning state" in which her consciousness confounded reality with the constant reminder of a non-existing hallucination. The sole fact made her a hard person to grasp onto.
Still Maki was there for anyone who needed an astute decision, some precise words of true understanding and as a matter of fact she was always there for me.
I soon found about Kohaku, a long story short, he was supposed to be in a whole different area, his mental health was perhaps dissimilar than that of ours but still, Kohaku the gigantic freckled was a schizophrenia patient that liked to roam among us. He was kind and though shy in a very bizarre way, Kohaku soon became a nice pal for me to hang out with.
I learned schizophrenic people were not the epitome of a broken mind; they were like the rest of society and like the rest of us… Kohaku was a different level though…
Still tormented and still scared, Kohaku's deteriorating mental state led some hospital specialists to decide whether it was safe for him to roam among us, prospect which I was against since the first mention, "Kohaku is not dangerous you doctors should know it more than I do, you should not see him as a freak as everyone out there can".
"It's not because we fear for you, we are concerned for him."
Less I knew Kohaku had the illness very advanced against him. Soon I understood with a whipped heart it would be best if I accepted he needed to go to his respective building. And it would be easier for him and for me if I feigned I was proud and happy for him.
With a felt hug, I bid my farewell to the big pal Kohaku.
Higurashi Kagome was hard not to notice, she had this gentle smile and bright auburn eyes that saluted everyone around her; she was admittedly the type of persons you feel comfortable since they first say hello. Kagome was loud and corrective in her natural motherly manners. Kagome was protective and very urging to come off well.
A pretty girl with at least three suicide attempts was not easy to swallow nor believe, especially after witnessing how she lulled the younger to sleep, she said she had this magnificent and prodigy of a voice to admire, for some she may have sounded petulant, Kagome was genuinely adorable for me, with a grin I would agree with light heartened charm, Kagome was a beautiful presence to enjoy company with.
Those who suffered from insomnia would often search for her; Kagome was a tale-teller or an angel with a lullaby in her voice. An otherworldly beautiful act to behold.
I soon met Senshiro Hano, a young man with blonde long hair and a peevish smile, Senshiro was admittedly not my best friend of them all but undeniably a nice pal to crack a joke or two. Entirely, my discussions with Senshiro were caused by a stupid argument over a lost plush I carried with me since day one.
Accusing Senshiro of stealing it may have not being the best decision I have made. I wasn't even able to remember why I even blamed it on him and irrefutably I felt guilty for having an argument over material possessions. Not that I was wrong, I saw a plush in his bed the next day, not surprisingly, it was identical to mine and I found oddly ridiculous how could he stole it, eventually and as the day worn out, I learned more about him than I should have. The reason he was interned there was due to a developed kleptomaniac disorder.
I learned that if someone accused him of stealing their items, he would fall paranoiac and resentful towards those who pointed their fingers, as a matter of fact he would tend to deny it, squarely and out rightly; just like he did with me. Probably I didn't have to think I lost my item and maybe I should have just waited the next day to make him realize he actually stole it.
However, I later spoke with him and with a discomfited grin; he returned my whale plush to me. Sure his eyes were filled with sorrow because honestly, he didn't mean it and he felt ashamed. But after finding out Senshiro was more than the discussions we had, we surely were able to share a couple of jokes around the other.
Not to forget the amazing skills he presented over the kitchen. If there was somewhere he belonged, that place had to be the kitchen, though we were not allowed to linger there, we were allowed to wander more than the stipulated time on the kitchen therapy room. There he would progress and fairly, he was great.
Fortunately, he had our entire backup to develop.
As part of my recovery therapy, I was pushed to exercise more frequently, the issues that held me hostage in that hospital could kick if I remained static for too long. So a couple of days after starting my exercise routine I heard an amicable voice behind me.
"You have a very beautiful body."
The lack of boldness between my daily interactions made me jump in genuine surprise at that feminine voice admiring my never once complimented body. I had to turn around to find a sky-blue haired girl with a chubby structure and a very friendly smile. The hospital's gym was never too crowded anyways. It was easy to spot her.
I found she was named Nobu, I found she struggled her entire life against bulimia and though she was still fighting, she explained to me with a saddened smile that doctors gave up on her after brain damage became clear. Sad I found her self-harm grew onto her until she became insecure enough not to hold any sincere relationship in her life. What amazed me very apart from people not finding her trust-worthy, is that she never missed to say everyone around her they looked incredibly fine in their own skin.
I thought to myself it was plainly natural and very disheartening that she couldn't be genuine if someone was to approach, but while she was afar and alien to all of us, she meant that spark of self-confidence you were missing in a shaded day.
And I recalled the shady days; I have had many of those. Watching the white walls became stressing at one point, I always snickered to those stereotypes being too unrealistic and foremost injudicious to what reality could mean, what reality inside of a clinic could be.
The white walls, the white uniforms in the nurses' bodies, the white beds, the white floor, the vanilla scented shampoo and that sickening therapeutic alcohol smell meaning sterilization in a very early morning became wrenching at one point. Slowly and as seconds ticket, the anxiety that took place in a very dark corner of my existence soon broke down into an uncontrollable fading of grounds, suddenly I stopped existing, I fell on a frenzied state of mind and hysteria broke throughout my entire body, I felt zanier, I felt like a misfit, without knowing how and why did it happen, I felt broken.
And I remember nurses running to me because they couldn't explain my outburst, I remember I didn't fight back and I remember repeating "I'm fading… lord I'm nothing…" their forces were not used as my limbs became soft to manipulation and I remember the taste of my tears, but most of all I recall confusion.
I remember I felt like a muddle of uselessness and blurrily I can evoke them leading me to my own room, I remember my roommate Maki showing something further than concern across her face, but about that exact moment, I can't recall anything further than an overwhelming darkness. I remember they asked Maki to leave, I remember my feet being clumsy and all I wanted was to hide forever, I remember I disappeared inside myself and I can lucidly recall I stopped existing "go away…" my lips moved sorely.
They agreed I was going through an anxiety attack and because I didn't have any harmful object at my reach, my state wasn't dangerous. They so presumed.
With a pat on my head I remember them leaving, I saw them murmuring to Maki not to enter and they advised her leaving me to steady down by my own and now I get to shake my head, I didn't want to be alone, for I couldn't feel more isolated than in that exact moment, I recall them suggesting each other to bring medication, I knew they would drug me to feel better, I would be less hungry and more sleepy but in that moment nothing would have mattered if I got to feel better.
They shut the door without having me injected anything, they left the medication as a suggestion and now I think they should have given me some anxiolytics, for the trembles that shook my entire body still trouble me in between nightmares of ever falling in that cobweb again.
I recall the reminiscent of sanity I could grasp onto assisted me in realizing that I heard the door clicking, I saw a feminine silhouette approaching and though my tears blurred my vision I became self-aware a girl was nearby enough to be uncomfortable, especially in my state. Much to my distress, I felt her arms hugging me close; I forced my eyes shut, with a shaky sigh of sheer prickliness, I allowed myself to curse. I didn't know her, I didn't want a stranger to comfort me and at the same time, I thanked it from the bottom of my heart.
"Its fine, you are here...
I can feel you, you exist…
I am sure I am seeing a beautiful boy so don't fret,
You exist…"
Her name was Haruna, for some reason she didn't want to give her last name and though many took the peculiarity as a discourtesy, we all welcomed her in the friendliest of ways; after all she comforted me in one of my first anxiety attacks over the unit.
Her bipolarity disorder became clearer as the days passed, we would see Haruna laughing and sharing some loud notations of upbeat enthusiasm and an hour later she was alone, with a preference of silently crying and a sturdy cycle of a never ending switch. When I asked about it, she claimed it was tiring, she said she didn't notice her changes and she said she just felt… just felt and wished she stopped feeling at all… She said she wanted to stop switching… She said she was aware as she tried to keep her settled illness at bait, as many of us tried.
She didn't sit with me but she won my affection by far, I would never finish thanking her enough for what she did for me.
Soon enough I met the toughest of girls in the hospital, her name was Tendo Akane, to say she could be rude was an understatement, it didn't mean she was a bully, out of the contrary, she could be mean if necessary, and thankfully I understood in due time that she meant support for those who felt vulnerable. Akane stood for every person that requested her help, if they felt neglected, if they felt bullied, then she would do what she could, she would take the hand of the person in question and would lead them to the perpetrator, she would ask why and courageous as it sounded, she would use her strong words to simply stop it.
To think she almost drank herself to death became impossible for me to understand, Akane was funny but her short temper would make me cringe in apprehension.
.
There is a say that says lifesavers comes in every person that is willing to make your aching stop, it doesn't have to mean this person will be able to, but the intention keeps you smiling and that is what happened when I started getting along with Shippo. He had a sympathetic grin and one of the most sincere eyes I was able to meet so far.
Unfortunately for him, the illness that held him jailbird spoke contraries of the honest vibes he transmitted. Being Shippo one of the closest people in my heart, I witnessed with a heavy heart how his illness spilled onto his daily interfaces. Firstly, when I started talking to him, I admit the words that spilled out of his mouth were amusing for their incredibility level of fantasy.
In short, when I asked anything about him, maybe about his life before the clinic, it was like he speaking about a movie, or a dream rather than his life, he would say something incredibly hallucinatory and with a snort I would ask "no, seriously" and he would remain hectic in his version. My gut kicked in the wrong way. I started to ask more casual things, the reason why he was there was a good option, firstly he said he was "seemingly bipolar." I raised my eyebrows in detrimental, I was genuinely sorry for him.
Soon Shippo became my best friend, it was like the protective brother I never had, I noticed the similarities between us and with light heartened nature, he not only became my confident but my most reliable source of relief, and a source of hope, for the first time, I felt genuinely loved by someone. However, I noticed the more we got closer, the less he spoke about his life. It was not like the beginning when he spoke fantasies about himself.
Not only did we always eat and went to most therapies together, but people started to romantically link us, and the display couldn't have been funnier for both.
I recollect a rainy day at the unit, we were sitting by the cafeteria and we both welcomed Kagome to sit with us, jokingly she chimed in a perfect note and we both felt amused, she claimed she wanted us to be her jury if she were to improve her songs, after a while of chatting with her, she popped up some questions claiming she wanted to know us better, she started by saying she was depressive.
I munched over my jam sandwich and with the bread still in my mouth, I nodded, with my finger I pointed at her showing I was there for the same reason, Shippo followed, "I guess I just have some kind of Hyperactivity Disorder" I almost gagged, I was sure he didn't say that to me. Kagome nodded and after eating her respective lunch, she left.
"I thought you had bipolarity."
"I never said that." I raised my eyebrows and swallowed what food I had left in my mouth, I sipped on my glass of water and with my eyes furrowed I moved my head in a yes motion, "Yes you did"
He denied it and then he laughed it off. I convinced myself that maybe my mind played ploys and he never actually did, it wasn't that big of a deal anyways.
A couple of days passed by and whilst everyone wanted to speak or at least know everyone, in the butterfly field, Haruna unavoidably asked him, he casually responded "Apparently it's some shit like Hypomania"
That's when I knew it wasn't normal and then I shook my head, which of us were here by the standards of being normal anyways? I also know that the fact that some of the people I came to know here were in terms of accepting their conditions as freely as saying their named illness, didn't mean it was the usual for everyone who suffered any kind of mental health.
At least for me, it took me more than a year to recognize I was seriously and with all honesty in needs of real assistance. I wondered if out department progressed quiet rapidly, judging by how easily people introduced their classified illness to the other, or if it was just part of the casualty, perhaps the comforting thought we were evacuees among exiles. We were refugees of society and perhaps sometimes it felt like home.
Still, I understood we were not in the same syntonic, at least not everyone, especially when I realized that I didn't know much about Shippo's mental health, I had many questions and puzzle pieces started making sense. His overall fantastic stories and his dismissiveness through reality led me to conclude another disorder that could be holding him convict of the illusory. I wasn't angry, not by any chance, if there is something I learned is that one can't blame the person, but at that specific time nor I had the heart to even blame his illness.
.
"No he is not here." Senshiro responded, I pursed my lips in doubt and thanked him for his help, not before advising me to search for him in his room, "he has been acting odd… said nobody would trust him if they were to… know? Some shit like that." I looked up at him, after a minute I nodded and left.
Entering Shippo's dorms never felt as odd as that day, the lights were off and the nightstand had a nimble light on. He remained quiet as I sat by his side, "They are going to bring us pizza at six, they say we are going to do some vessels with clay, later they are going to make an exception and let us watch a movie before sleep, isn't that cool?"
He nodded and smiled, not overly excited over some the promised chivalry movie; Shippo was globally unobtrusive to everything around him. Strangely, I didn't even know what triggered that level of consciousness within him but after a minute of silence, his words surprised me to lengths I didn't know I could reach, "You think I'm a liar… You won't trust me any longer… I know…"
Previously, whenever he exaggerated his stories my eyes rolled in disbelief but in reality, I never meant for him to interpret it the way he did, all in all, when I did, I didn't know he was a compulsive liar, much less I knew his illness was so developed he even hallucinated.
"No, no, what'd you say? I do… I do trust you…." I shook my head and proceeded to enclose our bodies in a comforting hug, I was not used to see him wobbler, if anything; I was more used in seeing him standing me up. I could have panicked.
He shook his head and when he appeared more disheartened to me than I thought he could look, he sighed and the awareness ahead amazed me. "It's not that I want okay? It's not it, I don't know how it happens, words just blurt and I think they are real and later I'm unable to difference it and I hate to be people's clown… because for me it's real… and they laugh… because yeah, I know what I speak its unbelievable less credible, lesser necessary… I just then feel ashamed when realization hits…."
I swallowed my own saliva and thankfully to be in his room, I allowed myself to get closer until my head rested against his chest, my eyes wandered down the groove of the door, just to make sure if any nurse was anywhere near, I knew about the prohibition of touching any other patient, "It doesn't matter, it won't matter… you will get better, I know that… and honestly, for me you are not less trust-worthy, it does not walk on the same line for me... you are still you and it's okay… not once have you betrayed me and nor will you…and that's because one thing does not take the other…"
"Lying the way you do, unwillingly lying, does not make you untrustworthy…."
He nodded, "Plus… You haven't once judged me for being the fucked up mess I am… nor will I, if you get to say some crazy shit…" I finished with a blithe sigh; he whispered a thank you and my arms intended to squeeze his torso until he laughed. I never knew being a compulsive liar could be so challenging, especially in a level like his.
"…Youki?"
"Hm?"
"Can I tell you something that for once is true?"
I nodded, and his hug bounded me with cherished affection, "I would feel cured if you were to get better."
In that exact moment my heart shattered and rebuilt again, I looked into his eyes and I believed him, because I knew, he was telling the truth.
.
If there was something I hated, that would be Tuesdays, Tuesdays meant Shippo would go to his color therapy at my lunch's time, it meant Maki would be at the puppy treatment at my meal's hour, Kagome would be in her scheduled cognitive intervention, Haruna in behavioral intercession and that traduced in me eating and sitting alone.
I hated being alone.
But a certain sunny day, a certain Tuesday I remember getting my stray from the cafeteria and I recall sticking out my tongue at the served noodles, I loathed noodles, but I knew part of my card-report checked me in eating everything on my plate, or so I cared. Sitting alone could be challenging because though I was pals with half the edifice, I also remembered I could get restless easily when I felt foreigner to my environs. Sitting with the nurses was not an option, is not that I would be welcome anyways, so I decided a spot-off table by the far right end.
A couple of minutes into my meal I became aware of someone sitting in front of me, stray on table, he started to eat, he didn't say a word nor he made any comment as to why was he there, I briefly made eye-contact with what I decided were the most intense cobalt eyes I ever saw and I couldn't help but salute him. "Hello…" I smiled nervously.
He just nodded without leaving his eyes off his dish and not a second did he stop eating, I swallowed fretfully and decided to eat as well, I wanted to ask his name but my tied tongue refrained me from doing so, I lifted my gaze and the fork fell on my lips, my eyes traced his strangely attractive face, outlined with accuracy, he seemed to noticed and he stopped eating.
"Am I bothering you?" His low serious voice made me flinch and I immediately panicked, I swallowed nervously.
"No! Of course no! I was- I just-"
"Then why are you staring me like that?" I was permitted to face him with boldness and I flinched, I just didn't want problems and he seemed like the type of guy who could get you one.
He stared at me for the longest of times and my throat constricted. I recall him rolling his eyes in what appeared to be rudeness and when he saw my fingers recoiling to fidget with my collarbone his features relaxed and he snorted loudly, I immediately gasped in relief, his smile broadened and he extended his arm, "I'm Saotome Ranma, jokes on you, sorry bud…"
"I-I'm Onoko Youki…"
Not friendly enough to push a long-time smile but not as serious as I thought he was, his eyes remained stoic in a peaceful vibe that just downed by my accelerated heart-rate, "I'm not much into explaining but you seem curious…?"
I nodded and he raised an eyebrow, "Like dude, you are sitting alone; I just don't want anyone to sit alone in meals…" He lifted his fork and poked at the corner of the pink lips that hypnotized me to the core, "It's sad… I mean…. to sit alone in lunch time." He then sighed whilst noting my fixation on his features and with a frenzied blush, he started eating again. "So… whatever dude…"
I grinned and nodded, his raven hair fell in a way that made me feel strangely allured to venerate it, quite the contrary of mine, his sable-colored locks were straight and darkened to the root, contrasted his pale skin with gracious splendor, and enhanced his enthralling sapphire eyes, the thought of being newly attracted induced havoc in me and with a shaky sigh I made a mental note to comment my therapist about my odd attraction for that man. For something never experienced, I breathed deeply and allowed myself to ease out.
After an hour of chatting, Ranma's pose appeared unperturbed and he seemed comfortable, though quiet, I found myself enjoying his company more than I should, and it was not that I was never once near an attractive man because I was, Shippo counted as boy many woman would die for, I could tell he was good examples, but there was something peculiar about my sudden realization that Ranma was more than just an attractive guy.
I was uncomfortable by the sheer thought of my sexuality being questioned so suddenly and absurdly by myself, not to say I didn't know the guy and I found him reverberatingly attractive and that's when I jumped in surprise, I smiled widely as I noticed Haruna, Kagome and Shippo nearing together the lunch section, I waved in their direction, I wanted them to meet Ranma and I wanted to ask about their therapies, they noticed me and smiled. When they approached, I saw Ranma's shoulders tacitly tense. With a noiseless grimace, he adversely flinched as their steps became louder, they were closer and it only made me stop, my concern grew as I saw his fingers tapped nervously on the table's top.
There was something I didn't ask him.
Why was he there anyways?
.
My relationship with Ranma became a different stage altogether, it became a divergent liaison to every string I ever held or felt attached to anyone before. After noticing Ranma was by preference a lonely person, I started to persist in getting closer but still I noticed he recoiled. It wasn't that Ranma sat alone in meals. I noted he always found a person who was alone, and without saying a word he would sit beside them.
Tuesdays Ranma would sit with me, slowly it became a company I missed and Tuesdays became my favorite day of them all. Still I missed Shippo and Kagome by my side; that didn't take that fact but also, I was able to spend a lunch with my new friend and by slow talks I mean, at least getting to observe him without feeling embarrassed.
Ranma spoke little, it didn't make it itchy, he actually was very serene and though little by little he explained he failed to control his anger, it didn't make me any less interested in him. If he didn't mind I had psychotic episodes why would I mind he could rip a wall off when he felt livid?
I became aware if he were to get a second person to his side, he would start sweating and his breathing would accelerate until the extent of excusing himself and parting ways, exactly what happened the day I met him. Of course I also became aware Ranma was not only there for an extreme social anxiety and introverted behavior but for also the reason people felt apprehensive towards him, especially if they were sensitive.
Like he fumbled to explain, Ranma failed in the majority of cases to control his intense anger. Anger issues, which I understood, were not easy to control. Nothing in this whole place appeared to be what I imagined it to be, in a positive light the edginess I prepared for remained unnecessary but still, everything became realer, illnesses became crude to my eyes and suddenly the world had many more faces than I thought it initially had.
Ranma didn't have a roommate, his introvert condition excluded him from interacting like the rest of us and his recovery was less steady than that of us, I would never dare to say one illness is less impacting than other, what I understood about a place like the one I was interned in, is that it didn't matter if you had schizophrenia or were insomniac, every mental health condition is enough to drag your mentality to crumbling levels.
.
When I asked Shippo to meet my new friend Ranma, Shippo responded with eagerness and he agreed in not being intrusive, I explained him that Ranma was socially anxious and shippo understood it. I remember we spotted Ranma eating with Akane, she appeared to have been lonely and Ranma for some reason attached to the thought of not liking to see anyone eating alone.
I waved at him and he swallowed what food he was eating, with a slight nod I tried to call for his attendance, unfortunately he slowly moved his head in a negative motion, my lips pursed and I sighed, maybe he didn't want to speak with two people at a time.
I would try to coax him to meet Shippo later.
.
"You were on your goals list check, Kagome had a frenetic episode of fright, Haruna was being scolded because she threw a bunny across the room, it survived though…" I leered and jokingly I questioned myself if I should believe that, Shippo continued, "However, I sat alone and guess who sat with me?"
My eyes lit up, "Ranma?"
"Yeah the guy is cool, I mean he is kind of quiet but I guess he is nice, though I have heard he is somewhat aggressive-"
"Anger management issues."
"Oh…" Shippo muffled with the straw from his apple juice, "Thought he had some anxiety issues."
"Social not existential…but that as well."
Shippo smirked and kindly elbowed me, "Y'know too much about the kid, perhaps you like him?"
I snorted, "Shut up," my hand dragged itself to the bags of my white uniform, "I just enjoy his company, that's all…"
He nodded, "mhm…"
.
Monday, 12:30 pm and I spotted Ranma eating alone, "what the hell Youki go sit with him." I looked at Shippo and smiled guiltily, "you don't mind?"
"What the hell dude, no" Shippo smirked, "you are there with your mind anyways, make it physical and go sit with him."
I sighed and gladly stood up, "thank you, thank you, thank you guys"
Kagome cheered, "don't mind us, I was about to sing for Shippo."
Shippo shook his head and side-looked me, between gritted teeth he mumbled, "Go away or I'll change my mind" his eyes pointed at Kagome who started singing.
I grinned as I left, another day to get to know Ranma, another day to get to speak with him.
.
"Would you go with me to the puppies' station?"
Ranma looked up to me, Haruna told me Ranma was scolded earlier for yelling to the cafeteria lady and he apparently threw the lunch at her, if she didn't have reflects then her head would have fallen off. Haruna said she listened when the techs told him he would paint his emotions rather than out bursting them to others. Haruna said he was indicated to go to his room and then while she was on the aisle, she saw how they took him inside and gave him paint and paper.
Ranma's hands were filled with red pain and I couldn't help but be reminded of a child, he still looked angry though. "Uh… I'm not sure if I can" He lifted his hands to show the colorful paint.
"I asked Dr. Akashi before, he said seeing puppies would make you happier, and I woke up feeling sad so let's go together…"
He nodded and stood up, wordlessly walked to the bathroom to wash his hands.
Once in the puppies' room where I saw at least 25 puppies of the same Labrador breed, I signalized Ranma to sit among them, he sat near them and at least ten puppies surrounded him, the chubby dogs moved their tales as they neared him, another 10 surrounded me and for a second, I forgot about the world, all that mattered is that they smelled like baby and there were too furry and soft to be true.
After watching how his features relaxed, for the first time I saw Ranma genuinely laugh in mirth, a certain puppy that managed to climb up to his chest, showed his affection why licking Ranma's mouth all the way up to his nose, in between laughs, Ranma made a "Bleh" sound, with a grin plastered on his face, he pushed the pup gently away, another neared him and jumped affectively on him, he smiled and took the fattest between his hands, he let it lick his cheek and after lifting it up like a Lion's King spin off, he hugged it close to him, enthralled in the view, I didn't notice when the only black puppy started chewing up my hair.
.
"R-Ranma…"
When he opened the door, he seemed surprised, after all, I did knock too loudly, maybe too desperately on his door, He seemed to have been asleep; of course, it was about 3:15 am.
"Hey… what are you doing here?"
My body was freezing; my hands didn't stop trembling… all I knew is that darkness tried to consume me while I slept…
"Please…"
I tasted salt and everything became blurry, my head ached, my body felt exhausted, I just wanted a decent night of sleep. I felt terrified… I wanted everything to just stop; I needed it to stop…
"Oh…." He seemed to perceive my distress, "Youki.." he whispered, pushing aside his introverted impulses, his arms became my refugee, tightly, securely he urged me inside and closed the door with us inside.
"It's alright…" His voice cooed and my tears were dried by gentle warm hands, that night he let me sleep inside his embrace and though I can tell the fact that our bodies that were too close probably terrified him, little by little I also witnessed how he fell asleep.
All in all, that was the first night, I had the guts to step out of my bedroom after an overwhelming nightmare, my roommate Maki dismissed to notice I slept almost nothing and while Shippo did notice the dark circles under my eyes, my dismissiveness over the topic led him to just sigh in sheer concern.
Still, that night meant peace after a tumultuous hurricane. Being acknowledged that a nightmare remained as such never assisted me in concealing the sleep I craved for afterwards. But after Ranma opened that little door, that until then remained closed, he would find me outside his door with an ashamed grimace of inflicted sorrow, he would always reassure me it was okay. That next time Please just enter… lay beside me, hug me if you need to… I'm here for you…
Just a couple of weeks later I started to notice the dark circles under my eyes started to disappear.
.
"Sketch what you like about this place," The specialist told us.
I was imagining perhaps the dogs, they were so puffy and made therapies less tiring, once I finished the specialist told me to leave it on the dog's mail, right outside their door, I happily hopped all the way down their door and when I returned, I sat once again in my seat. As I waited for the therapy to finish, I noted Shippo was absent, probably leaving his sketch to the butterflies' mail and I made a mental note to comment that Ayame was not the only artist present, I felt a light brush to my arm, when I turned Ranma handed me a paper.
My eyes asked by themselves and when he nervously fidgeted with his own hands, I smiled and expanded the folded bond paper. My heart melted when the sketch was something akin to myself.
I felt happy.
.
Every day at 9:00 pm, we went to get our respective night meds, a very popular time of the evening for obvious reasons. Everyone raced to be at the front of the line. You would think they were giving out hundred dollar bills and not psychiatric medication. I dutifully took my Seroquel and Gabitril for sleep and my Abilify for my depression and anxiety issues. I noticed everyone got theirs except for Ranma.
I later learned Ranma had a hard time believing he needed meds, nurses told me it was one hard task to accomplish, Ranma became aggressive and denied even requiring them, evening lines meant for him staying in his own dorms and when I spotted the nurse going to his room, I asked her if I could offer them to him.
An outright no was her first answer but after promising I would definitely call her if he were to refuse, she gave me a side look and handed me three little bottles of pills. "Just because you have been very aware since day one" the dark skinned lady winked at me and the accomplishment made me grin, "Don't get me in troubles pretty boy."
I beamed and she decided to stay outside, she watched me knock the door and after no response, she made me a hand sign to enter anyways, when I was about to disappear into the inside of the room, she gently grabbed my wrist and whispered, "Don't touch him, you know the rules…" I nodded, "Is not that he would let you anyways."
I smiled to myself and left her behind, once in, I spotted him reading a book on the very far side of his bed, "hey…" I slurred in. His blue eyes left the letters from what I called dead wood and after a minute, he smiled.
"Youki… how did you get in here?"
"Passing by," I bit my bottom lip and I then approached him, "They asked me to do some errands…" I boasted a laugh after his eyebrow upraised with implausible question, "So how are you?"
"Youki…" The incandescent ambience disappeared to be replaced one of outspoken unease.
"Actually… I need you to take these…"
I watched him pause when I handed the bottles, he seemed to tense and his lips became a tight line of refusal "I don't need those…" he mumbled, he seemed discomfited and I could imagine how forceful those pills were induced before, I sat across from him and brushed lightly his leg, he flinched at my intrusive touch but seemed to not give it major importance as I crawled closer. "No…"
"Please…"
"No…"
"….Ranma…" I reached forwards, the affectionate caress I endowed to his jawline made him waver but still he moved his head in negative yet again, the words were unnecessary at that point,"Ranma…" my fingers traced his soft lips and after his eyes became despondent and he whispered a no, I soothingly lifted his chin until his eyes locked up with mine, "Please… Ranma… it's okay… I need them too, am I any different? Am I less for that?"
He paused for a second, seemed to think about it and then shook his head no; I smiled at him while my thumb caressed his bottom lip again, "Then would you take them?"
He moved his head in negative again.
"If you take them, you will get better alongside me… and we can get out of here together, I promise…"
Ranma seemed doubtful and genuinely troubled, "will you take them?" I pushed him again, the refusal was engraved in his eyes but still he nodded faintly and took the bottles from my hand.
I handed him a bottle of water and when he was done, I pulled him into a tight hug, "Thank you…" I mumbled against his ear. I wished him goodnight, I allowed my arms to encircle on his torso once again and with a little wave, I left the room, not before kissing him tenderly on the cheek.
At least the nurse let me do that every day from then on.
.
It was 4:00 pm, visitation hour was depressing for me, I didn't have anyone that cared enough to come and see me, the first days I recall crying but after a month or two of being there, no more tears could be shed for my solitary cause. The ones that didn't have visits could go to butterfly field, the puppies' room, the bunnies-room or could go with supervision to the color-room, I was also allowed to stay in my room. Maki was absent, thankfully for her, her mother was always in time, she always brought her cupcakes and I would always taste those. At least I would eat half of them.
"You ever go to the color room?"
"Ranma?" I looked up at him, I was sitting on the floor with a bunny on my lap, "No, I always come here, or go play with the pups…"
"I see, maybe that's why I never saw you at this hour before… I always go to the color room, but I decided to see the bunnies this time around, I heard some girl threw one across the room one time…"
Oh Shippo didn't lie.
"Yes, I heard tha-"
Realization hit and this was his form of telling me 'You are the only one who nobody ever visits…' My heart sored, "You heard?"
"Ah yeah, I mean, I heard that too… the bunny survive though…"
Ranma sat by my side and I grabbed the bunny and handed it to him, he seemed to inspect the fur, "lucky bunny, I think it's this one."
"How do you know?"
"Has a scar on left foot."
"Oh…"
I smiled and caressed said scar, "It's only a scar now bun, the bad part is over…"
He nodded as we could make the bunny understand us, at least 4:00 pm didn't mean loneliness anymore.
.
I was walking down the aisle until I heard a loud crash in the adjacent room from the butterfly field. I heard a loud cursing, and I saw a nurse running past me, I turned to see four male nurses holding Ranma down, my throat constricted, he was kicking and he was cursing loudly, his argument seemed nonsense and he was probably infuriated by something that we couldn't understand. I saw my favorite nurse injecting him a clear liquid down his shoulder. I gasped in horror.
I saw how their steady grip on his arms loosened as he lost force, and while he started to slacken off, his voice was still loud and once I was able to recognize through his yells, I was able to hear a very hoarse implore "please don't touch me…" his eyes were tearing and he still kicked, I understood the anxiety their hands must have caused. Ranma not appearing to be angry anymore, forced his eyes to close as I imagined fear overwhelmed his body.
My heart panicked, My own eyes teared-up at the seeming abuse, even if I knew what the nurses did was for his well-being; still I imagined the hostility their actions portrayed for him. I saw how Ranma's body became limp and once they dragged him to his room and closed the door, I took the presumptive decision of waiting for them to leave, once alone, I dragged my feet to open his door and quietly welcomed myself in.
Ranma's body was lying motionless on his bed, while I approached, his eyes were still open and his fingers twitched. I ran to his side and I kneeled to face him. My lungs confined, I forced myself to smile at him, my fingers caressed his hair and I knew Ranma was overpowered by the strong sedative. Consolation became unrequited at that point; solace would be given if I showed I knew what he felt like.
My body closed distance and my face hid at the crook of his neck, my nose touched his ear and I allowed my arms to go around the limp body on the bed, I let at least ten minutes of silence to linger between us as I found the words to speak "….More than once they sedated me because I have had panic attacks too…"
My fingers reached to outline the side of his face as he blinked absently. "I hate the sensation though… it's like you are not you and you grow numb and can't do anything…"
I kept on talking, Ranma's mouth was mainly asleep and I knew if he tried to speak he would start to salivate, "I guess they gave you a strong bout… but fret not, at least they want to help us…"
The back of my fingers touched his neck and he blinked, the unshed tears were still bordering his blue eyes, "I know… I know…" I whispered as my fingers caressed the tears away, he didn't need to speak, I saw he swallowed hard as he closed his eyes. "I hated how they took me to my own room and closed the door in the dark," I laughed bitterly at the memory, "You see… I hate darkness, and I wasn't able to get up to turn on the light, like… I was sedated duh…"
Ranma's eyes opened again and he slowly moved his head to face me, his fingers twitched again, "I hated them back then but then I learned they did it to let me now feelings were mere rejoinders inside of us and whatever hell we overcome happens only in our mind, and though we feel the end is coming, if we don't think about it, we can be fine, and a sedative oblige you not to think about it… like it numbs the sickness for a second…"
"I know your anxiety attack was induced by their hands… and they did it unintentionally, they tried to control your anger… I know it doesn't seem like it. But they try to grab a hold of us."
I sighed, "Sometimes… not even specialists…. people don't understand it feels like dying… like a very scary death…"
"If you get what I mean… like…. Anxiety feels like the end is near… right?"
Ranma weakly nodded and his fingers twitched yet again, this time I understood what he wanted, I slowly slipped my fingers to the palm of his hand and with a slight heat on my cheeks, my fingers intertwined with his own debilitated hand.
.
At 8: 00 pm, every day we had a sort of closure group reunion, we reviewed the daily goals we set for the day together. Some people met them, others didn't. At least that time around I met both mines, happily I finished my mandala drawing and helped the laundry lady with the washing, Haruna broke down and sobbed for 20 minutes about not achieving her goals. I felt sorry for her and my pat on the back only served to increase her tears. After the specialist encouraging words didn't stop her, she proceeded to take the spare line and dial out.
We were asked to leave the room and the specialist said we could go to the movie salon, she said we would have popcorn and we could choose between Shrek or Toy Story, I happily complied and it all seemed better when Kagome mounted Shippo's back and laughed about Shippo being faster than me even with her weight on him. I retorted it.
When they started leaving I noticed Ranma patiently waiting for everyone to leave, of course in consideration of his disorder, he was allowed to have a lonely spot from the rest, not outside the room but certainly not in the circle, still I was happy he was progressing, at the beginning, I was told he resisted in entering such a crowded room.
I waited as well for everyone to leave and turned down Shippo's race challenge, once Haruna's cries were the only sound in the room, I approached him and with a head motion, I signaled him to leave together, he seemed to hesitate but followed. As we left, we saw at least three more nurses entering to Haruna's aid. "Tomorrow will be another day young lady."
I sighed, and wondered for Haruna's wellbeing.
Side by side, I discerned I never walked alongside someone's side so far away from them, "Ranma?" He grunted in response, "Did you finish your goals?"
He nodded and I smiled, his deceiving manners weren't perceived as rude but as an effort to speak with me, the sole thought send butterflies all over me, I decided to risk it.
"Are you sitting with me?"
He seemed to think hard about it but lastly he nodded timidly.
Once in the dark room, I found Ranma's eyes traveling from right to left, there wasn't any frontal space without a small crowd on it, I decided to take his wrist and though he flinched slightly, my grasp became steady as I dragged him to a lonely spot, far from the screen but enough to be comfortable for him.
The movie was at least viewable to both and half through it, I noticed he started to relax, his eyes started to close, and I realized that everything felt warm; my hand brushed lightly against his and my heart skipped a beat. I turned to face him and lifted my hand to his shoulder, after I caught his attention; my fingers slipped to the back of his neck, and softly approached his face to mine. My breath met his and when I felt him faltering against me, I smiled. His hand stopped our bodies to come any closer, his reflex forced distance but I persisted. "Easy… " I whispered as my lips enclosed against his trembling mouth.
Our eyes were closed when our lips melded warmly, his hand enclosed around my wrist and though my hand at the back of his neck felt him relax, my lips unglued his silky ones. My eyes opened slightly and our distance remained short, "Are you my boyfriend then?" he asked in a whisper, I smiled widely at him, Ranma beamed in return and after he closed his eyes, our lips met again.
My first kiss, his first kiss, our first kiss could not have been better, nonetheless the slowly built passion didn't avoid us troubles, after the movie finished we were both scolded by the techs, because after the first and second kiss, we were not able to stop kissing, tasting, exploring each other's virgin mouths and unfortunately the show became impossible to hide. All I knew is that someone in the room accused us of making out and truth is, I think the scold was worth it. Yeah we deserved it, after all we indeed broke the most important policy of no-touching whatsoever, still those kisses were nothing to regret for.
.
Ranma was the warmest body in this whole universe, whenever I needed him, though closed in the first seconds, his arms would always open up for me, he was still uncomfortable if I were to push him too far and he would still falter if our bodies were in great need of the other, still he tried, for me he did, he would always do an exception for me.
I started to feel strange around him, whenever we kissed, something ached to feel more and I had no idea how or what was it, his eyes would darken and my breath would falter, still I was clueless as to what I felt or what I wanted, that's until one day that I helped him with the meds and he stole me a kiss, the initiative gave me chills and after the kiss became lewd enough for me to gasp, I asked him to stop and when he didn't, I begged him something even more nameless "take me…" the begging just fumed out of my lips, breathless, panting, everything felt heated, warm and delicious, so prohibited and mysterious. I started to feel even stranger.
Our feet were quiet when we both stood; we both were wordless in our complicity, we entered quietly to the sterilized white bathroom. I didn't know what we were doing, he probably didn't know either, all we did was touch each other's skin, all we wanted was to taste the other's skin, and slowly, our clothes fell to the tilled floor, our passionate kisses were impossible to stop, my left hand was at the back of his neck, pulling him tighter against me, my right hand clutched his bare shoulders and all I wanted was to give him what he wanted, I wanted to take from him what felt like mine.
He pressed me tightly against the wall, in a shudder of ecstasy, my legs wrapped around his waist, kisses muffled my agitation gasps, his hands wandered lowly and with a jolt, I felt his fingers rubbing on places that remained prohibited until then. I bit my lip when the rubbing turned into an intrusive motion, I felt sore, pleasured and thrilled by the new sensations that broke down my body. He kept his fingers in a pleasurable tandem, he was relaxing me and my eyes rolled up, it felt wonderful, I wanted more; I knew he could give me more. I moaned his name silently, begging, I was readied, I could have burst at any second.
His tongue licked my ear and after kissing my lips for the longest of times, he made me his, pain shoot me blank and when his loving became persistent, I was delighted with crude penetrating pleasure.
All I knew is he was taking me; it was raw, passionate, rough, humid and tender. I gasped and my back arched at the newly found pleasure. "Quiet Youki…." He husked in between gasps, after a hard thrust aimed to my tender spot, he tried to silence my lustful moans with his hand against my open mouth, the heated spams in my body only fueled his thrusts to be harder. With another kiss, my muffled sounds were lost between us, my arms hugged him close to me and the sweat rolled in thick drops against our fevered skin, the tandem became rougher, more pleasurable until my hand tangled on his black hairs.
He used the support from the wall against my back to go faster and he went tougher until I felt the urge to scream his name, his panting mouth was against my own open mouth, it felt good, it felt ethereal until my toes curled. I touched bliss and I hit an abrupt shot of intensified pleasure, I hugged him close as we both rolled our orgasm together, I felt my insides getting even wetter and I felt a warm splatter between our bodies. We touched the skies together, and never in my life had I felt so intimate with someone before.
That was the time I realized perfection existed.
And after getting to love him the way I did, I learned that living didn't look as scary any more.
.
Getting to love each other is never as easy as when words find order in a sentence, tales can be written in tandem with time, but reality means days, reality means months and little memories, words can never grasp the actual concept of these details. Getting to break Ranma's barriers was not easy, nor was breaking mines.
To explain the true lethargy of our blackness was indeed difficult. Situations changed day by day, after meds at 9:00, you were allowed to go to the meeting room. Everyone hangs out in the common room, laughing and talking about anything and everything. Though far for Ranma's comfort, his hand remained intertwined with mine and I felt like we were a big happy family and for a moment, just a moment, I felt like a normal teenager who is not spending his summer in a mental hospital for being a depressive-borderline anxious-psychotic mess. Life was good.
.
Mental hospitals are very misunderstood places. There is a certain stigma not only attached to being a patient in a mental hospital, but to the whole field of mental health to begin with. The people I met during my stay at the clinic were not crazy. They were not nuts. They just needed a little extra help and a safe, relaxing place to recuperate from their problems.
Going to a mental hospital is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by and I encouraged everyone to take that step if they find it necessary. Life can be overwhelming and sometimes we just need to heal. Personally, it changed my life. I went in suicidal, depressed, and a terrified mess, and three months later, I came out, in the process of being healed, with new friends, a new big brother to trust in, a new lover that loves me foremost anything, and a new perspective on life. My hospitalization not only saved my life, it changed it.
Most of the people I met were perfectly normal, functioning members of society with jobs, families, friends and a positive future. Some were students, sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, lovers… best friends… some were just lonely and were fortunate enough to meet someone who cared… Like myself. Some were finally found after being lost for so long, some were finally given the opportunity they were missing, some became lovers, some became best friends… but everyone I met just wanted another chance, another opportunity to show they could love and be loved… that were trustworthy… that they were faithful and they deserved to live….
That they exist….
Like I did…
And not in the way you thought we did….
…after all…
We are not who you think we are.
.
.
.
OOOOOO
AN/ long ass story, nothing happened, mere description, I guess not even analysis, but I cross my fingers you didn't die in the first two pages lol You would find how unnecessary were other characters apart from Shippo and Ranma but no, if you put attention through what I wrote then you will see how much support others characters also meant, excluding Ayame and Kazuo lol, they meant my block's writer expulsion, still I tried not to exaggerate the fluff to balance enough the darkened situation.
I really wanted to touch the recovery point, like there was so much plot I could have taken up from this…. The possibilities were endless…. Still FOR the moment, I'm going to leave it here, if I get ideas, hopefully fluffy ones I will put my ass to work.
Also, I wanted to make consciousness about these illnesses, including those disorders from the extras, I want to shout out about anger management and lies compulsivity, they are just like us, just need more love. Not to say anxiety, please lord people die from that.
PS: I hated last paragraph but I couldn't improve it, sorry. A sappy fic for y'all! And im not gonna check grammar shit, UGH it's a long ass story, I won't! Goes like this! Sorry for that.
Hope you enjoyed my writer's block wreckage; I'll try not to write anything dark for the next months… lol