Stuck Between the Two
Disclaimer: Not mine...never will be, but I wish I could own DJE.
Note: I know we have yet to see a body and a funeral, but for the sake of me and this story...just pretend.
Thank you for all of the reviews! You guys make writing a pleasant, yet educative hobby.
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown
This has got to be a dream. Actually more like a nightmare. Sitting in that darkened room and seeing Clay's body made me feel numb. I was expecting to wake up from my sleeping state soon, but I couldn't have been more awake if I wanted. I just sat there, with Harm next to me, and completely oblivious to everything that was going on around me. Thinking.
I had spent the better half of the service just thinking. Thinking back to the past year that has been one giant roller coaster. All of my feelings directly after Paraguay become jumbled and incoherent. Clay asking me for help. Clay telling me he needs me. Harm resigning for me. Harm joining the CIA. Me stuck in between the two men whom sacrificed so much to be with me. It's all just so conflicting and it eats at me that I can't seem to get passed this.
I sat there thinking about the man who was lying dead in his coffin. The one who I was in a "relationship" with. How did it get to this point? As far as I can remember Clayton Webb had always been just another spook. Of course, he was just another spook who more times than none asked us for help. Sure, he was a friend, but never as close as Bud, Harriet, or even the Admiral. He was just someone we did favors for. And suddenly in what appeared to be a blink of an eye, he became my "boyfriend" and a threat to Harm. How did it happen so quickly? Why did it happen in the first place?
I thought back to the night I went to see Harm right before I went with Clay on that fateful mission. If I would have listened to him when he asked me not to go, when he told me he didn't want me to go. If only I would have stayed with him and worked out our frequent dilemma of an "us". Maybe this would never have happened. I don't know why I let this happen.
However, I do know for sure that during my nostalgic journey, I seemed to miss the way things used to be before then. I favored the times when I was just me and Harm was just him. Harm...why do I keep thinking about him when I should be thinking about Clay? Simple...because I love him. Or do I?
This is exactly what I mean. It's always so hard when it comes to me and Harm...and someone else. There's always someone else. First it was Dalton and then Mic and now it's...was...Clay. Why does it have to be so difficult between us? Why can't we just work it out? We've never been able to, but why? I guess I won't know for sure.
And now if it isn't difficult enough to deal with my feelings for two men, one of them dies. Maybe it was meant to be, but why did he have to die?
Damn Clay. I might not have loved him the way I love Harm, but I loved him nonetheless. And he decided to go on one of his stupid CIA missions and get himself killed. And now he makes it so hard for me. He has left me in a position where I am stuck between the two of them. Because now I can neither move forward nor live on with my life because I feel guilty somehow. I feel that maybe he knew that I didn't love him enough. And with this feeling of guilt I cannot move on.
Damn it Clay, I didn't want you to die. I just wanted to be happy. Happy? Even if it wasn't with Harm? No. My gosh, Clay. I dragged him into this so called relationship to feel loved, but I wasn't even thinking about him getting hurt. I am so sorry. I only hope that it isn't too late for you to forgive me. I am sorry.
I'm not even quite sure why I even considered a relationship with Clay. Was it because I was caught in a moment of weakness and loneliness? Or was it because I felt I owed it to him because of what he did for me? It might have been a little of both.
Even now, I just ache to be with Harm. I wish I could be in his arms feeling his heart beat against mine. What am I doing? I can't think about that right now. It isn't right. Look at me, I'm thinking about another man when my boyfriend has just died. What kind of woman does that make me? If only I hadn't taken it this far with him this wouldn't have happened. I would be in another place. Maybe even in Harm's arms.
I hope that Harm can still be my friend and help me through this. I know he will. He always does. I just hope we can move ahead and put all of this behind us. I know that our relationship has a long way to go to be anywhere near an "us", but if he is willing to work with me, then I know for sure we will figure this out. Someday in the future.
I just hope that he doesn't think he is the rebound guy. He never was and never will be. I love him and I hope he still feels the same way. I know it won't be easy, but when two people love each other, anything is possible.
I just don't want to be stuck between a man and a ghost when I know I love Harm with my heart and soul.
THE END