A/N: Hello all! To be completely honest, I never expected it to take me nearly two months to write and publish my second fic. I've dropped a few ideas along the way due to timing and story issues, but I'm finally back with this story and I'm very excited about it!
A quick note: There are instances of harsh language being directed towards a much-loved character present in this fic. The views expressed are those of the character who speaks them and not my own.
Much thanks to my beta, Emma (emisfritish), for her extremely helpful edits and suggestions.
And thank you for checking out this fic!
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Downfall
"Jude?" Connor said, shoving him gently to get his attention. "Earth to Jude, anyone home?"
Jude blinked himself out of his daze, looking over towards Connor in the driver's seat. "Huh?"
"I've been talking to you for the past two minutes," Connor said, glancing over at Jude, a worried expression clouding his features. "You okay?"
"What?" Jude said, his face coloring slightly. "Yeah, I'm fine." He looked out the window, watching as they passed a few cars. "You know I have to distract myself from your driving," Jude joked lightly, hoping to distract Connor with their recurring joke.
Sure enough, Connor shoved his shoulder again, this time with a little more force. "Shut up," he said, and Jude could hear the smile in his voice. "At least I can drive."
"I only have three weeks," Jude said, glaring over at his best friend. "Quit acting like you're so much older than me."
"Oh, is wittle Jude-y getting upset?" Connor teased, his mocking baby voice proudly on display. "Did wittle Jude-y not get enough sweep last night?"
"I hate you," Jude said, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting like the child that Connor was accusing him of being. "Never forget that."
"You love me," Connor said, laughing. "Don't even try to deny it."
Jude's face warmed at the claim and he quickly looked away, trying to ignore the heat building in his face. Connor definitely wasn't wrong. They had been best friends since seventh grade and there was no one that Jude felt closer to, except maybe Callie. Connor had been the first person outside of his family to accept him for who he really was and he honestly meant the world to Jude. The only problem was, Jude was certain that Connor meant a lot more to him than he could ever mean to Connor.
When Jude had first moved into the Adams Foster house, he had been pretty young. He knew that he was different, had actually been not-so-kindly told so by his previous foster dad, but he didn't really know who he was yet. Questions about his sexuality had been non-existent up until that point. Then, almost out of nowhere, he met Connor Stevens.
At first, Connor was a complete enigma to Jude. His classmates at all of his previous schools usually wanted nothing to do with him; Jude was just the weird "foster kid," always treated like the dirty, broken toy that everyone avoided like a disease. It hurt at first, but Jude grew to accept it. He decided that he was better off not having friends anyway, since he never stayed at any one school for too long. But then, Anchor Beach happened and Connor happened, and everything that Jude thought he knew changed in a heartbeat.
In his very first class at the charter school, Jude could tell that the details of his sudden appearance had already spread throughout the grade; it was no secret that the vice-principal had taken in foster kids before. He fully expected Anchor Beach to be like every other school, but then, suddenly, it wasn't. A blonde-haired boy had dropped down into the seat next to him and started talking to him as if it was something that the two of them did every day, as if they were destined to know one another.
Jude looked over at that same blonde-haired boy, now sitting in a driver's seat instead of a seventh-grade classroom. He didn't believe in grand ideas of destiny and fate; Jude was very much focused on his reality. With Connor, however, he dared to imagine that larger forces were at work; most of the time, it was the only explanation he had for why they worked so well together. It was as if they were made to.
As Jude watched, a popular song came on the radio, one of their favorites from the summer, and a smile appeared on Connor's face. He began to mouth the words, tapping the beat out on the steering wheel and moving his head in his own awkward, seated dance. Jude stared at him, a small smile appearing on his own face. This moment expressed everything that Connor was and had always been: carefree, kind, and constantly happy.
And even though he knew he shouldn't be, that it was bound to end in tears and heartbreak, Jude was completely in love with him.
Days like this made Jude completely resent the fact that he was in love with his best friend. Connor's obliviousness about what was really going on in Jude's head, while a godsend most of the time, could lead to some painful and awkward moments for Jude. Like, right now, for example.
He and Connor always ate lunch together. They didn't share any classes this semester, so it was their only time to see one another during the school day. Sometimes they would be joined by other people, but for the most part it was just the two of them; Jude had always liked that constant. He knew that to the rest of the school, he and Connor were, for the most part, a package deal; Jude often wondered what Connor thought about that particular reputation, but he never asked and Connor never said anything, so he let it go. Jude didn't want to bring it up if there was any chance that it could alter their relationship.
Apparently, however, today was not one of their package-deal days.
Her name was Marissa. Jude knew that she was in their grade and that she played on the school's volleyball team. She had long, straight brown hair that fell in curtains around her face. Her eyes were almond-shaped and bright, her skin softly freckled and tanned. She was pretty and she was nice, and she just happened to be sitting a little too close to Connor for Jude's liking.
Jude knew that he couldn't get jealous; he didn't have that right. Connor was straight and, even if there was a slight chance that he wasn't, he was definitely not Jude's property. When he had first started developing feelings for Connor about two years ago, Jude had known that it wasn't going to be easy to live with. Jude had never really spent enough time with someone his own age to develop a crush and he didn't know what to do with all of his new feelings; add in the simple fact that Connor was a boy and it was just a huge, scary mess.
Once he had worked through what was going on inside his head, he had panicked. Jude honestly didn't know what he would have done without his moms; Stef and Lena helped him understand that it wasn't in any way wrong to feel the way he did, he just had to make sure that he respected Connor's boundaries. From that point on, mostly for his own sanity, Jude let Connor initiate physical contact.
He knew that Connor wasn't in any way homophobic; Connor loved Stef and Lena, even treated them as if they were his own moms. Also, the two of them had stumbled across television shows and movies with gay characters, and Connor had never even batted an eyelash; in fact, he would oftentimes be more outspoken about the characters' situations than Jude was. For a seemingly-stereotypical high school baseball player, Connor was extremely open-minded and supportive towards those who were deemed "different;" it was one of the things that Jude loved most about him.
"What do you think, Jude?" Marissa suddenly asked, pulling Jude out of his internal monologue.
"About what?" Jude asked, a slight edge in his voice. He saw, out of the corner of his eye, Connor look up at him, a confused look on his face, his eyebrows raised in question. Jude ignored him; he didn't need Connor to be adorably baffled right now, not while he was determined to be upset.
"The new Amy Poehler movie that's coming out this week, do you think it looks good?" Marissa asked, tentatively. Normally, Jude would feel bad, but it's not like he invited her to sit with them today. He wished she would just leave them alone.
"I don't know," Jude said shortly, looking back down at his food. He didn't want to feel this way, but he couldn't help it. It hurt to be sitting across from the two of them, wondering if they were holding hands under the table or texting secret messages to one another.
"Okay," Marissa said, "well Connor and I were thinking of seeing it this weekend. You should come with us, if you want."
Jude nearly missed the invitation because of the sudden roaring in his ears, causing his heart to pound irregularly. So, they were dating, and Connor hadn't told him. Connor, his best friend, the person he felt closest to now that Callie was away at college, had completely neglected to tell him that he was in a relationship. While knowing the news before now would not have made Jude any happier, it would have hurt a lot less to hear it from Connor directly.
"Um, yeah, I don't know. I'll think about it," Jude said, knowing that there was no way in hell that he would subject himself to that kind of torture. "Actually, I just remembered that I was supposed to meet my mom," he said suddenly, grabbing his uneaten meal and rising from the table without a glance towards Connor or Marissa. Jude threw his food away and was just turning towards his mom's office when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Dude, are you okay?" Connor said, gently turning Jude so that he could look him in the eye. "What was your problem back there?"
Jude could feel his face begin to heat, the shame of his behavior refusing to disappear now that Connor was calling him out on it.
"Nothing," he mumbled, trying to avoid eye contact. He looked past Connor to see Marissa looking over at the two of them and felt his frustration build once more. "I just didn't realize that someone was joining us for lunch today," he said shortly.
"What's the big deal?" Connor said, his voice rising slightly. "People sit with us sometimes."
"She wasn't sitting there for me, Connor," Jude bit back, glaring at his friend. "Maybe I wasn't in the mood to talk to people, you could've asked first."
"God, Jude, what is with you today?" Connor asked. "You were spacey this morning and now you're being a jerk."
Jude opened his mouth, an angry retort ready to surface, before he caught himself. He slammed his mouth shut, gulping down words that he knew he should keep to himself. He couldn't be around Connor right now; Jude could recognize when he had reached the end of his rope and it wouldn't take much for him to say something that he would regret. "I really do need to go see my mom," Jude said, rolling his eyes as he turned away, leaving Connor standing alone and confused.
Jude had a hard time focusing in his next class, and not just because it was math. After leaving the courtyard, he had found an empty classroom to sit in for the rest of the lunch period. He easily could have gone to the vice-principal's office like he said he was going to, but he would have had to explain to his mom what was going on, and he didn't feel like hearing a lecture from her. He knew that he was in the wrong, but he wasn't in the mood to be told that.
Jude hated this part of himself; he had always felt things very deeply, allowing them to direct his actions. He didn't want to be jealous of Connor and Marissa, but no amount of logic could guide his heart towards more reasonable behavior. Instead, he lashed out and closed off, preferring to deal with his anger and hurt alone. It was the only way he knew how to keep from destroying his relationships with everyone around him.
Jude glanced up at Ms. Brooks, who was currently facing away from the class and copying an equation onto the board. He had no idea what they were learning today, but he didn't care. Even on a day when he was really focused, he struggled with math; today, it was completely pointless to try and understand it. Jude would just have to stay after school another day this week to get some extra help.
A rustle off to his right caused Jude to turn and find Danny Tanbrow trying to get the attention of Cara Young, his girlfriend seated in front of him. As Jude watched, Danny leaned forward and whispered something in Cara's ear, causing her to laugh quietly and turn towards him. He quickly leapt forward and pressed a short kiss to her lips. Jude whipped back towards the front of the classroom, his face burning. He couldn't help but to imagine Connor and Marissa doing the same thing during one of their shared classes (if they even had a class together). The thought did nothing to improve his mood.
As Ms. Brooks turned to address the class on how to solve the new equation, Jude's hand shot into the air, his need to be out of this classroom reaching its breaking point. Ms. Brooks gave him permission to use the restroom and Jude was out of the room before she could finish her next sentence.
Jude quickly walked down the hall and turned into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and leaning against it for a moment. He listened closely, not hearing anyone in the stalls. He took a deep breath, trying to clear his head of the sudden and unwanted images of Connor and Marissa at the movies together, holding hands and kissing over a tub of popcorn.
Jude moved towards the sink, turning the knob and splashing cold water onto his face. He couldn't keep doing this. His crush on Connor had been there for some time, but for the most part it lay quiet and dormant. Connor had never shown any interest in anyone until now and Jude was in no way prepared for his own reaction to the news. It was clear now that anything more than friendship between the two of them was completely impossible and Jude needed to just let it go.
Before he could decide how to make such an impossible thing happen, Jude felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Pulling it out, Jude saw that he had a text from his mom. Confused as to why she would be texting him in the middle of the day, Jude opened the message, his misunderstanding growing as he read what she had sent.
Stay in your classroom. Stay calm, everything is fine. Love you.
Jude stared at the words on the screen, having no idea how to interpret the text. It was extremely vague, a word that he never used to describe Lena. He sent her a reply.
I'm not in class, I had to go to the bathroom. What's going on?
Jude grabbed a paper towel and dried his face while he waited for her to text back. He should probably get back to class before Ms. Brooks sent someone to look for him. He moved towards the door, stopping when he felt his phone buzz with a new message.
Don't leave the bathroom. Lock the door and stay until I come and get you.
Now Jude was really confused. Lena had never texted him like this before. He quickly flipped the lock on the door, pressing his face to the wood to see if he could hear anything on the other side. It was completely silent.
He felt his phone buzz in his hand and he looked down at it, expecting to find another text from Lena, but he was wrong. It was Connor.
R u ok?
So apparently Connor knew what was going on, and he was just as worried as Lena. Jude quickly responded.
Yeah, I'm in the bathroom. What's going on?
Ur not in ur classroom?!
No, I went to the bathroom. What's wrong?
Idk mr. Cormack just told us to get under our desks nd stay quiet
He locked the door
He seems a little freaked
Jude stared down at the texts, his brain trying to process what could be happening. The school seemed to be on some kind of lockdown. In the three years that Jude had been a student at Anchor Beach, he had never known the school to go on lockdown. However, he had seen things on the news about other schools in similar situations and they were never associated with anything good.
Jude looked around the bathroom, wondering if he should hide in one of the stalls. The bathroom had high windows, too high for anyone to look through. He assumed he was safe enough with just locking the door, if he was even in any danger.
All of the windows were open, allowing a breeze from the ocean to enter and keep the bathroom relatively cool. Jude listened closely, but he couldn't hear anything from the outside. The school was unprecedentedly quiet.
Jude refused to panic. Lena was going to come and find him, and everything was going to be fine. He moved over to the sinks, jumping up onto the counter to peer out of one of the windows. He had a view of one of the hallways, completely deserted. Jude looked down at his phone, staring at Connor's last message.
Even when Jude was being an asshole, Connor was there for him, checking on him and worried about him. To be honest, Jude had never expected anything less, that was just the kind of person that Connor was, but he still couldn't understand it sometimes. He couldn't believe that a person like Connor actually existed and that he was best friends with him. Taking a deep breath, Jude sent a text that he should have sent over an hour ago.
I'm sorry about being an asshole at lunch.
Connor texted back almost immediately, clearly having nothing better to do while he was crouched under his desk.
Why were u acting like that? Marissa never did anything 2 u
I know, it had nothing to do with her. I was just in a bad mood.
He knew he was technically lying to Connor; it actually had a lot to do with Marissa. But saying that meant that he would have to explain himself, and Jude wasn't ready for that conversation.
U should apologize 2 her. She was really upset
Logically, Jude knew that if he wanted to remain friends with Connor, he was going to have to learn to be okay with Marissa, but that didn't mean that he had to like it. Connor was right, though; Marissa deserved an apology.
I will. I promise.
Suddenly, Jude heard a noise in the hallway. Looking back out the window, Jude saw that it was still empty, but there were barely audible sounds off to the right; they were coming closer, growing in volume as they did so.
Jude held his breath, trying to listen over his pounding heartbeat. He could hear what sounded like heels clicking on the tiled hallway. They seemed to be heading towards him, and as they turned onto the isolated hall outside the bathroom, Jude finally identified the voice.
Lena.
She had found him! Jude quickly jumped down from the counter and moved towards the door, unlocking it and exiting the bathroom. The hallway that Lena was walking down was around the corner on the right; Jude moved towards it, but before he turned the corner, he finally heard what Lena was saying.
"…sir, I really don't think the gun is necessary," she said, her voice slightly high and tense.
Gun. That was the reason for the lockdown; there was a shooter in the school.
Jude glued himself to the wall, his heart hammering in his ears. There was a gunman in the school and he had Lena. Jude's head was spinning so fast that he barely heard the stranger's response.
"I really don't think you have a say in what is necessary, bitch," a man said, his voice rough and angry. "Now, shut the fuck up and take me to my daughter."
Jude inched closer to the corner, peering around to look at the scene at the far end of the hallway. The sight made him sink all the way down to the ground, he feeling in his legs disappearing completely.
Lena was leading a man down the hall, a gun not unlike the one that Stef kept locked up in the bedroom held tightly in his right hand. He wasn't pointing it at Lena, but he also wasn't holding it casually either. Jude felt himself start to shake as Lena stopped and turned towards the man, her posture tense.
"Mr. Grant, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from using that language towards me," Lena said, her voice slightly sharp even in the face of a gun.
"Listen here, you fucking dyke," Grant said, invading her space and raising the gun slightly, "I'll call you whatever the fuck I want. Now, where's Hannah?"
"Sir, I'm sorry, but I can't take you to your daughter until we have completely evacuated the school. We can't risk any of the other students getting hurt," Lena said, clearly in her vice-principal mindset.
Jude felt his phone buzz in his hand and he quickly tore his eyes away from the scene to look down at it. He had a new text from Connor.
Shooter in the school. They evacuated us. R u out?
Jude quickly texted back that he was still in the building, but before he could explain that the shooter had Lena, the gunman spoke again.
"Look, I don't want to use this, okay?" Grant said, waving the gun for effect. "I came here to pick up my daughter. I just want to take her and go, so why don't you just let me do that and we can forget this ever happened."
"Mr. Grant, there is a restraining order against you. You aren't supposed to be anywhere near Hannah," Lena said softly.
"Fuck the damn restraining order!" Grant yelled, and Jude could see his eyes grow wide and wild even at a distance. "I want to see my fucking daughter and you aren't going to stop me!"
"Okay, okay," Lena said, shrinking back, "you're right. You are completely right. I will take you to Hannah, okay? But, please, can we evacuate all of the students first? I know exactly where Hannah is and I will take you to her, but I need to make sure all of the other students are safe first, okay?"
Jude watched as Grant raised his gun hand to rub at his forehead in frustration, impatient noises escaping from his mouth. He started to pace in a circle, trying to decide what he wanted to do. Jude noticed that he was having a hard time keeping his balance while he moved, as if he was heavily drunk, a realization that did nothing to ease the rising panic inside of him.
Before Jude could really sink into an inconsolable state, however, he heard soft, hurried footsteps coming down the hallway behind him. He heart stopped beating completely as he quickly turned to find Connor hurrying towards him. Jude stared in absolute shock as his best friend sank down next to him. Connor reached for him, holding Jude's face in his hands, forcing Jude to make eye contact as he searched Jude's face for anything out of the ordinary; he looked like he was seconds away from breaking down. Unable to take it any longer, Jude pulled Connor towards him, burying his face in Connor's neck. He felt the other boy let out a harsh, raspy breath.
"I had to find you," Connor said, in a voice so soft that Jude knew that there was no danger of the pair down the hallway hearing him. "I just had to find you."
Jude just nodded, having no idea how to respond. He felt Connor pull him in tighter, his strong arms wrapping completely around Jude's lean torso as if he could protect him from anything just by holding onto him tightly. Jude's heart skipped, his head spinning. He buried his face even deeper into Connor's neck, subtly pressed his lips to Connor's skin, knowing that he might never have another chance to be this close to him again. Jude felt Connor's fingers dig into his sides, but before he could work out whether that was a good or bad response, he heard Grant speak again.
"Fine, fine," he said, agitation clear in his voice. Jude pulled himself away from Connor's embrace to look around the corner again. He saw Grant lower the gun back down to his side. "You can evacuate all of the students, but then I want to take Hannah and leave."
"Of course," Lena said, turning to continue walking down the hall towards Jude and Connor. At the sound of her voice, Jude felt Connor wrap his arms around his waist and pull him towards his chest. Jude gripped the hand placed around his stomach, reassuring Connor that he wasn't about to do anything irrational.
Grant and Lena moved silently down the hallway. Jude realized that they would reach the spot where he and Connor were currently hidden in next-to-no time, but he didn't know where to go or what to do. However, as the pair reached the middle of the hallway, sirens suddenly rang out, breaking the heavy silence.
Grant immediately panicked, pointing the gun at Lena for the first time, his crazy eyes darting everywhere.
"NO!" Jude shouted, his voice working without his brain's permission. Connor clutched Jude tighter as Grant whipped around towards their hiding place, grabbing Lena by the arm and pointing the gun wildly.
"Who's there?" Grant shouted, clearly unhinged. "Come out right now or I'll fucking shoot her in the head."
All thought stopped, all feeling froze. Faced with an irreversible situation, Jude's body reacted on instinct. He rose, his inherent need to protect fiercer than anything else at that moment. He felt Connor's hand grab his arm in protest, but he shook him off, moving around the corner and into the line of sight.
The last time that Jude had been this close to a gun, he had been on the other side of it. Stef had taken him and Connor to the shooting range in the 7th grade, after Connor's accident at Taylor's house. Even that shooting incident had been completely different; they had been running away, their backs to the shooter and the gun. This time, Jude was staring the gun right in the face, and it was a sight that he would prefer never to see again for the rest of his life.
"Jude," Lena said softly, her eyes wide as she took him in.
"I heard your voice," Jude said, his voice weak as tears started to sting his eyes. "I thought you were coming to get me. I'm so sorry."
"Oh, buddy," Lena said, tears falling softly down her face as well. "It's okay. Everything is going to be okay."
"Who is this?" Grant said, eyes wide as he looked between mother and son. "What are you doing here?"
"This is my son," Lena said. "He's not supposed to be here. Just let him go."
Understanding seemed to dawn on Grant's face at Lena's explanation. "A son for a daughter," he said slowly, a strange, manic light growing in his eyes.
"What?" Lena choked out, her expression one of horror as she look towards her captor.
"Your son can go as soon as I have my daughter," Grant said, a twisted smile growing on his face. "He tries to run or you try to protect him, I shoot."
"Please," Lena begged, turning to face Grant. "Please, you can take Hannah. You can, I won't stop you. I'll even be your hostage, so the police will let you go. I'll do it, I swear. Just, please, let my son go."
Jude didn't hear Grant's response. He was distracted by a sudden movement behind the gunman, towards the end of the hall. Looking closer, Jude saw a shock of blonde hair that he recognized instantly. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw additional movement as four policemen approached the spot where he had left Connor sitting. With a breath of relief, Jude looked down at his best friend now; Connor's eyes were red and his face stained with tears as he look up at Jude helplessly.
Turning back to the scene in front of him, Jude saw that Lena had managed to shift slightly in front of him, still facing Grant. Now, Jude was sure, the only person unaware of the presence of the police was the gunman himself.
Jude looked over Grant's shoulder to make eye contact with his mom. Stef pressed her finger to her lips, her eyes focused as she sent Jude a reassuring smile. He sent her a slight nod, showing that he understood, glad that Grant's attention was not focused on him.
Looking out of the corner of his eye again, Jude saw a policeman bend down to grab Connor by the arm. He watched as Connor looked up at the man and then back towards Jude, shaking his head in protest. Jude stared at him, silently pleading with him to go. They stared at one another for a moment, Jude trying to tell Connor everything that he needed to with just one look. Before Jude could be sure that Connor understood, however, Stef finally made her presence known, managing to rip the world apart in just one word.
"DOWN," she yelled.
Jude dived to the ground as a gunshot rang out, but he wasn't quick enough. Suddenly, there was fire and heat consuming his entire right shoulder. He shouted in pain and agony, as more shouts and gunshots rang through the air.
He seemed to fall in slow motion. He could see, through his blurred vision, as Lena, crouched low to the ground, shouted his name, the body of Grant laying prostrate next to her. As he hit the ground, his head banging painfully on the tiled floor, Jude saw Connor rushing towards him, screaming his name, before a policeman grabbed him and attempted to pull him away. He heard, through his hazy fog, as someone shouted for an ambulance. Then, suddenly a team of people were hovering over him. He saw Stef first, but he couldn't understand what she was saying. Lena stood next to her, out of the way but still close, her hand pressed over her mouth as tears poured down her face.
Jude could feel himself starting to lose consciousness, so he turned, searching for the one person that he wanted, needed, to see. There he was, sitting on the floor next to Jude, his face frozen in shock and horror as he looked down at Jude's bloody shirt. He had never seen Connor's eyes so dark and haunted before.
He was just about to say his name, reassure him that everything was going to be okay, when the world around him began to disappear completely.
There was the boy that he loved completely, and then there was nothing.
When he came to, Jude was in the hospital. His right shoulder was heavily bandaged and there were tubes in his arms. Machines were beeping in the background, proving that he was still alive.
His moms were there, too. Stef, still in uniform, stood by the window, her arms crossed over her chest as she looked outside. Lena sat by his bed, a book open in front of her; Jude could tell that she wasn't really reading, though.
"Hey," he said quietly, his voice weak and raspy.
There was a flurry of movement as they both descended on top of him. Lena grabbed a cup of water off of the table in front of him and helped him drink, while Stef combed her fingers through his hair.
"How much trouble am I in?" he asked once he had finished his water, staring down at his hands. When there was no immediate answer, he looked up to find them staring at him, tears filling both of their eyes. Stef was the first to break, shaking her head and wiping at her eyes.
"No trouble, love," she said.
"Absolutely not," Lena added, her voice shaky. "We're just glad that you're here and, for the most part, okay."
"We can talk about other things later, okay?" Stef said, with a kind smile.
They both looked extremely tired. "How long have I been out?" Jude asked.
"About six hours, bud. They took you into surgery immediately," Lena said, sitting down next to him and holding one of his hands.
"The bullet missed all of the vital stuff, so they just had to remove it and do some repair work," Stef said, also sitting down on the bed.
"You're on some heavy medication, so you'll be in and out of it for the next day or two," Lena added.
Jude nodded, showing that he understood, as his brain struggled to process everything that had happened. He felt foggy, like his head had been stuffed with cotton balls.
"There's actually one other person who has been waiting to see you," Stef said with a slight smile, "so we should probably let him come in before you fall asleep again."
Jude smiled, the thought of Connor refusing to leave the hospital slightly comical, especially under the influence of all of his pain medication.
"We'll be back soon, okay love?" Stef said, rising from the bed and pressing a kiss to his forehead.
"We love you," Lena added, also kissing him.
"I love you, too," Jude said, smiling up at them. They gave him one last smile before they left the room, hand-in-hand.
Jude took a deep breath, staring down at his bandaged shoulder. He couldn't move it, or feel it, but it was weird, knowing that a bullet had been lodged in there at some point earlier today.
"Hey," a voice said from the door, and Jude looked up to see Connor standing there.
Except, he didn't look anything like the Connor that Jude knew so well. This Connor was a mess, almost a nightmare of who he usually was. His soft hazel eyes were bloodshot, his cheeks stained with tears. His hair was a mess and his t-shirt was wrinkled where he had clearly been clenching it in his hands for the past six hours. He moved towards Jude slowly, cautiously, almost like he was scared of startling him. When he finally reached Jude's side, his eyes darted all over his body, as if to check that nothing was missing or in the wrong place.
"Connor?" Jude said softly, reaching out to touch his arm. As soon as he did, Connor's face crumpled.
Jude pulled him towards him and Connor came willingly, collapsing next to Jude and burying his face into his neck. Jude's breath caught in his throat, not for the first time today, but he ignored it, wrapping his good arm around Connor's shoulders and pulling him in tighter.
"I'm fine," he said softly, over and over again as Connor's body shook with sobs. "I'm okay."
"You can't ever do that again," Connor said, his voice muffled as he spoke into Jude's neck. "Never, do you understand me? You're not allowed to even think about dying until I'm ready for you to die. And that's not for another eighty years. At least."
"Really?" Jude said jokingly, trying to lighten the mood. "You're going to make me live until I'm ninety-five?"
"At least," Connor said indignantly.
They fell silent for a few minutes, each one lost in their own thoughts. Jude didn't know what to do with this Connor; he was acting like he was heartbroken, which didn't make a whole lot of sense to Jude. He felt like he had missed something important, like there was some explanation that he needed.
Connor raised a finger and began to trace the movement of Jude's neck and throat, running his finger over Jude's Adam's apple. Jude held his breath, waiting for Connor to speak.
"You kissed my neck today," Connor said softly, continuing to run his finger along Jude's chin.
"No, I didn't," Jude protested weakly, his throat struggling to tell the lie convincingly.
"Yes, you did," Connor said calmly.
"Are you-," Jude said, searching for the right words. "I mean, were you… were you mad, that I did that?"
"Yeah," Connor said simply, and Jude froze. He had been afraid that this was going to happen, that his feelings would ruin their relationship. "You kissed me and I didn't get to kiss you back."
Jude choked; he literally choked. Connor darted up, grabbing a cup of water and helping Jude to drink it down, mumbling apologies the entire time. When Jude had finished the water, he held up his hand, effectively silencing Connor.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Jude asked, his voice high and strained.
"Well, it's only fair that if you get to kiss me I should get to kiss you back, right?" Connor said, staring openly at Jude.
"Why would you want to kiss me?" Jude asked, feeling like he was a part of some elaborate April Fool's Day prank (he was pretty sure today wasn't the first of April, though the medications made it hard to determine).
"Um," Connor said, rubbing the back of his neck as color rose on his cheeks, "because I love you?"
Jude couldn't do anything but stare at Connor like he had grown another head, possibly two. None of this made any sense. Jude looked around the room, hoping that logic and reason was hiding in one of the corners.
"Is this like, one of those near-death experience things?" Jude asked, a slightly unintended bite making its way into his voice as he realized what was happening. "Like, I kissed you and then almost died, so you feel like you owe me something?"
"What?" Connor asked, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. Then, his eyes grew wide with understanding. "Wait, you think this is something that I just realized today?"
"Well, yeah, isn't it?" Jude asked uncertainly.
"Jude, I've been in love with you for almost two years," Connor said, eyes fixed on Jude's. "If anything, today just showed me that I wasn't doing either of us any favors by keeping it to myself."
Jude's head was spinning. This day had been so much, almost too much. He didn't know if this was all just a major hallucination brought on by his pain meds or what, but it was not helping his physical (or mental) health one bit.
"What about Marissa?" Jude said, remembering the tension at lunch today. "Aren't you two dating?"
"What?" Connor asked, his voice rising in surprise. "No, absolutely not. I'm gay, and Marissa knows that. She has a crush on Kyle and wanted to make him jealous, so we started hanging out more." Connor paused, understanding dawning on his face. He looked up at Jude, a smirk taking over his features. "Wait, were you jealous of her?"
Jude could feel the heat rising in his cheeks as he stuttered out a weak denial. Connor laughed, climbing back up on the bed and burying his face in Jude's neck.
"Why didn't you tell me that you were gay?" Jude asked quietly, once Connor's laughter had subsided.
"I would've had to tell you about my crush on you," Connor said, playing with Jude's fingers. "I didn't want to ruin our friendship if you didn't feel the same way."
Jude nodded. "That's why I didn't tell you," Jude said quietly, his mind whirling with all of this new information. He honestly couldn't believe it. He smiled, thinking about how he would have to tell Connor about this dream someday, when they were much older. He started to laugh at that idea, and once he started he couldn't stop. He was suddenly overcome with laughter. He saw Connor rise up onto his elbow and give him a worried look.
"You okay?" Connor asked, holding tightly to Jude's hand, as if he was afraid his extreme laughter would cause him to roll off the bed.
"I just don't believe that any of this is real," Jude said, his laughter dying down.
Connor stared at him for a moment before leaning in and pressing a kiss to his lips. Jude's heart stopped as Connor reached up to cup his cheek, lightly grazing his fingers down his chin to his neck. Jude felt his nerve-endings explode at the touch, and he used his good arm to pull Connor closer to him. He fell back on the bed, pulling Connor on top of him, each of them somehow remembering to avoid Jude's bad shoulder and all the tubes.
The kiss seemed to last forever, and if it was a dream, Jude never wanted to return to reality. Eventually, it had to end (Jude finally realizing how much of a nuisance breathing actually was), and Connor pressed short kisses to Jude's lips as he moved back to his side.
"I can promise you, that was very real," Connor said, a cheeky grin on his face. He raised a finger to Jude's lips, continuing to tease him. "However, if you still don't believe it, we can keep doing it until you do."
"Hmm," Jude said, smiling over at his best friend, "that could take some time."
"Well, we've got eighty years, right?" Connor said, leaning closer.
"At least," Jude said, grabbing Connor by the back of the neck and into another kiss.
"Jude?" Connor said, shoving him gently to get his attention. "Earth to Jude, anyone home?"
Jude blinked himself out of his daze, looking over towards Connor in the driver's seat. "Huh?"
"I've been talking to you for the past two minutes," Connor said, glancing over at Jude, a worried expression clouding his features. "You okay?"
"What? Yeah, I'm fine," Jude said. He looked out the window, watching as they passed a few cars. "You know I have to distract myself from your driving," Jude joked lightly, hoping to distract Connor with their recurring joke.
Sure enough, Connor shoved his shoulder again, this time with a little more force. "Shut up," he said, and Jude could hear the smile in his voice. "At least I can drive."
"I'm old enough," Jude said, pouting. "I just have to wait until this finishes healing to take my test."
He waved his right arm slightly, careful not to disturb the sling. He watched as Connor sobered, focusing back on the road.
It was still hard to talk about, even if it had been a few months. This was Jude's first day back at school and they were both a little on edge. Jude knew that Connor wanted to stay glued to his side all day, in order to keep an eye on him, but Jude refused, not wanting to be treated like a child. They had fought about it last night, with Connor hanging up in the middle of the phone call; he had called back almost immediately, saying how much he loved Jude and how he couldn't handle something else happening to him. Jude understood, but he still needed space to do this on his own. He needed to know that he could.
"Hey," Jude said, reaching out to lay a hand on his boyfriend's leg. "I'm going to be fine. And you're going to see me after every class to help me with my books. We'll be sick of each other by the end of the day, just watch."
Connor tried to smile, but it ended up looking more like a grimace. He reached down to squeeze Jude's hand, staying focused on driving.
They pulled into the school parking lot five minutes later. Connor turned off the truck, but remained seated. Jude watched him for a moment before unbuckling his seatbelt and scooting closer to him. He leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to Connor's neck, knowing how much his boyfriend loved it when he did that. Sure enough, when he pulled back, he found Connor's eyes had fallen closed, a soft smile on his face.
"Hey," Jude said, patting Connor's knee. His boyfriend's eyes opened slowly as he turned to look at Jude. "I love you."
"I love you, too," Connor said, a wide smile transforming his features as leaned in to press a kiss to Jude's lips.
Jude closed his eyes, allowing himself to sink into the kiss. When Connor tried to pull away, Jude reached out, holding him there. He wanted this, just for a little bit longer, before they had to face the unknown.
"You ready?" Connor asked when Jude finally pulled away, his eyes sparkling as he opened the door and climbed out of the truck.
Jude climbed down right after him, linking their fingers as they walked towards the school.
With Connor by his side, he was ready for anything.
THE END