The Crimson Scarf
Eren woke from darkness. No dreams to disturb him, no memories to recall the cruelty of the world. All he saw was Mikasa, her black eyes watching him. Awaiting him. As she always had.
Her black, chin-length hair brushed against her cheeks as she leaned forward. "Eren," she whispered.
"Mikasa?" He blinked, scanned his surroundings, began to rise. "Where…?"
"Don't move!" she commanded softly, hands lowering him to the hard, gray floor padded by a thin, white sheet. He tried to move his hands behind his head as a pillow, but the shackles prevented extensive movement. The cell held a permanent stench, light but unavoidable, embedded into the cold stone around him. Eren pretended the smell came from rats, or cockroaches. At least they cleaned the cells enough to make any signs of human waste invisible.
"Where are we?" Eren said, still eyeing the walls for blood or whatever was causing the smell.
"You know where."
He finally looked at her, ignoring the shackles and the stench to focus only on Mikasa's eyes, somehow visible despite the room's poor lighting. "The trial…"
She nodded, her face expressionless as usual, but her eyes…he saw concern seeping through her eyes into him. "They're continuing from where they left off yesterday. They didn't think you'd be necessary today, especially after your…outburst."
Eren noticed the two guards beyond the cell. Sleeping within wooden chairs, heads resting against the bars. They wouldn't have allowed Mikasa in here, would they? "They don't need you as a witness?" he said.
She expressed a small but powerful smile. "They do. But I'm tired of their politics, throwing lies around like truths and discarding our truths as lies. Aren't you?"
Truths… "Mikasa, you should go."
"Hmm?"
He clenched his hands, skin sweating from the return of the unwelcome, unchangeable past. "I attacked you. As a Titan. I…"
Her hands flashed forward, latching onto his. They were warm, far warmer than the lifeless cell. She brushed his fingers with her own, delicately handling his hands like feathers about to snap. "It's not your fault. You weren't in control."
"I should have been!"
Fingers tightened around his hand. Her gaze pierced his eyes, staring through the strands of hair which fell across her face. "You overestimate yourself, Eren. Nobody's ever held this power before. You can't expect yourself to master it on the second try."
"But I…"
"Besides, you came around, didn't you? You sealed the gate, just as planned."
The boulder. Yes, but… "All the deaths. All those soldiers that died because of my mistake…" He gripped her hand, his fingers turning pale, as if even then he could shelter her with his bones as he had protected Mikasa and Armin from the cannon. "And you…you suffered because of me."
She looked down, no longer able to meet his gaze. Instead, she watched their hands, caressing his fully healed knuckles. "You know what Armin says. 'To endure becoming a monster, you have to discard your humanity.'"
"What if…what if I don't want to be a monster anymore?"
Her eyes returned to his. "It's a little late for that, don't you think?"
Footsteps echoed down the hall. The guards stood: they had perfected the art of lazing on the job without being caught. Both saluted Commander Erwin as he approached the cell. Armin stood behind the commander as he spoke with the guards.
"Armin?" Eren murmured.
Mikasa looked at Eren with a flat stare. "You really should thank him, you know. Without Armin, you may never have come back to us."
"I…"
"Wouldn't want to hurt more people, would you?" She watched him, refusing to break eye contact. He stared back, unable to look away despite the opening cell door. "Then you should listen to Armin."
Armin stood in the doorway. "Eren?" When their eyes met, he swallowed and continued, "How are you feeling?"
Eren grimaced and looked away. The shame of being helped, of needing help, of putting others in danger…he couldn't speak with such shame consuming his flesh.
"You're free now, Eren," Armin said with forced optimism. "They've decided to put you in the Scout Regiment, under Levi's strict surveillance. But, before you go…they're honoring the dead in a few minutes."
Eren glanced at Mikasa. She stared only at Armin, giving their blonde friend a proud but sad smile. He grunted and looked down. "Ok. I'll go."
Mikasa smiled at Eren as the guards released him. "Joining the Scouts. Like you always dreamed."
He walked between Erwin and Armin as they ascended the stairs of the castle. Mikasa trailed behind. Although she was out of his vision, he could sense her near, following him, protecting him as she always had. What would he do without her by his side? He had always dreamt of gaining independence, of joining the Scouts alone, of gaining his way through the ranks without the assistance of family or friends, but now…
Reaching the main floor, the group continued forward down a single hall. Light drifted through a door at the end, where Eren saw men and women stacking firewood. A bonfire to honor the deceased—particularly those who lacked bodies for burial.
Eren faltered, stumbling to his hands and knees. Armin knelt, placing his hands on Eren's shoulders. "Eren, are you…?"
"I'm fine!" When Armin flinched away, Eren took a deep breath. "I'm fine. I just…need a minute. I'll be there soon."
"Eren…"
"Go!" Armin hesitated before standing, heading toward the end of the hall alongside Erwin. Mikasa followed, but Eren said her name loud enough for only her to hear. When she turned, he whispered, "Please. Stay."
She glanced at the stack of wood outside. Then she returned, kneeling beside Eren.
He continued to face the floor, palms absorbing the cold of the tile. The stench was even stronger here, filling his nostrils, choking out all other forms of life. He tried to breathe only through his mouth, but the smell nonetheless penetrated his body. "Why did you always stay, Mikasa?" Although she did not respond, he knew she was watching him. He imagined her wavering eyes, betraying the thought and emotion which she tried to protect with a still face. "I told you to leave, to live your own life, to stop treating me like a child, but you always stayed. Why?"
"Isn't it obvious, now? After what happened?" When he lifted his hands from the ground, sat on his heels, and looked at her, she continued, "I got hurt. By a Titan. By you, but by a Titan nonetheless. They aren't something we can understand, Eren, no matter how much we train. I didn't protect you because I thought you were incapable. I protected you because we are all incapable. You thought I didn't trust your fighting skills, but I trusted you more than anyone. That's why we needed to stick together. Just like when we first met. You save me, I save you. Keeping each other alive. As a team."
The world blurred, his muscles weakened, his body shook. Tears crept out of his cheeks, dripping like warm blood from his eyes. "I'm sorry," he cried. "I shouldn't have rejected you. I should have stayed with you, until the end."
Mikasa didn't reply. Her smooth hands extended, slipping into his palms. "Your hands are cold." She removed the crimson scarf from around her neck and wrapped it around his pale fingers. "There. See? You're going to be alright." She stood, tossing her growing hair behind her as she did.
"Mikasa…"
She grabbed his arms, lifting him to his feet. "Now, come on. You've got many challenges ahead of you. Let's see if you can handle this one without me."
She released him. He trembled, but he did not fall. Step by step, he moved toward the end of the hall. When he finally reached the doorway, he stopped, standing between the outside and the inside, the sunlight and the darkness, life and death. Without shaking or leaning against the walls, he turned, standing firmly on his own two feet.
Mikasa was nowhere to be seen.
The fire illuminated the courtyard, dispelling the shadows produced by the light of the setting sun. Orange and pink clouds lit the sky. Sparks connected the flames before Eren to the fire above, drifting like fallen soldiers into the heavens.
He stepped closer to the flames. Felt the smoke enter his nostrils, spreading across his mouth and into his lungs. Yet the rotting smell persisted, pushing past smoke and flame and denial into his heart.
"Eren." He turned, meeting Armin's eyes. Armin glanced at Eren's hands. "She deserves it, don't you think?"
Eren lifted his hands. The scarf remained around his hands, encasing him in warm memories. One end was tattered, torn in countless places, small pieces of tile embedded in the mahogany cloth. The rest was covered with dry blood, blanketed by a layer of crimson residue. It was all they had recovered after Mikasa had jumped atop Eren's Titan face, staring into his eyes, trying to bring him back, trusting him even as his fist crushed her against him.
Tears fell from his cheeks as he held the scarf toward the fire.
"Eren." Mikasa stood beside him, body lit in orange firelight. Her hair had grown several inches past her shoulders, black strands shining in the evening glare. "What are you doing?"
"I don't need this anymore," he murmured through the tears. "I want you to have it, Mikasa. It's all I can give you now." He took another step forward, reaching for the flames.
A hand fell onto his wrist, halting him. As Eren looked at her, Mikasa took the scarf and pressed it against his heart. "You're cold, Eren. You always were. I tried with all my heart to stay beside you, and you strove with all your strength to leave me." She looked at him, her dark eyes only inches from his. "But you are a good person, Eren. You never thought—not for your family, not for your country, not even for yourself—but you acted. You fought to save Armin from a Titan's mouth, to avenge your mother's death, to protect Armin and me from the cannon. You motivate others, not because they ask for it, but because they need it. You lead by example, whether you mean to or not. You've made mistakes: you're human. That's why I've always believed in you. That's how I know you're going to be just fine."
He grabbed her hands. They were hot as fire, but he didn't let go. "Mikasa, stay. I need you. I didn't know it before, but now I understand. Please, don't go."
With a beautiful smile lighting her face, she pressed a hand against his cheek. "You had me, didn't you? Now it's time to let me go."
"No! I lost my mother without saying goodbye. I won't do the same with you."
"But you must." Although the smile remained etched across her lips, her eyes bore into him with a serious gaze. "Don't make the same mistake again. You're a slow learner, you know that?"
His knees shuddered, but Mikasa's strong hands kept him upright. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything."
"I know." She placed her hands on his temples and kissed his forehead. "You'll always be loved, Eren. Don't forget it."
He wrapped his arms around her. She returned the embrace, slowly relaxing into his grip, allowing her face to sink into his shoulder as both closed their eyes. "As are you, Mikasa. You have always been, and always will be, my family. Even if I never said it, even if I tried to push you away…"
She hugged him tightly. "I know, Eren. You never had to say it." She chuckled. "Still, it's surprisingly nice to hear it."
Her arms slipped out from under his as she stepped back. "I have to go now." Mikasa pointed to the scarf, its stiff folds illuminated by the bonfire. "You take good care of that, you hear me? As a reminder."
"Of what?"
She smiled. "Of the reason you kill. Not for vengeance. Not for fun. To protect a little girl stolen from her parents. To keep her warm in a cruel world. To show her humanity is worth fighting for."
Eren took a step forward, a storm of tears tumbling from his face due to his tremoring movements. "Mikasa…"
"Remember me, Eren. Not the way I died. Remember what I lived for. Remember the hope you gave me."
His hands tightened around the scarf, flakes of crimson blood shattering within his grip. "I will."
She gave him the biggest smile he'd ever seen, white teeth shining amidst black hair. Her eyes never left him as she stepped back into the fire, her body blurring and fading, dissipating like the smoke which drifted into the sky.
Eren allowed his tears to fall, watching the fire without movement, without sound. The stench of rotting blood rose from the scarf, overpowering his senses as the fire burned for the dead.
People lined the streets of the Karanese District, watching with smiles and hope as the Scout Regiment moved toward the outer wall. Children jumped onto boxes and stairs, pointing fingers, grinning widely, as if catching a glimpse of salvation.
Eren stared ahead at the wall, avoiding eye contact with the crowd. How little they understood about hope, about how easily your dreams and ambitions crumbled in an unanticipated moment of loss.
Two brown horses approached Eren. Armin rode the first, one hand controlling his steer, one hand holding the reins for the other. The second horse trailed behind, calm despite being forced forward, unaware of the danger ahead.
"So," Eren said as Armin appeared at his side, "you joined the Scout Regiment."
Armin nodded. "We all did."
He glanced behind. Jean, Connie, and Sasha followed on horseback, some looking at him, some facing their fears alone. All fighting a war they likely would not win, all supporting a man turned Titan who could kill them all. "Why?" he asked Armin. Not with anger or disbelief as he always had before, but with a need to know the truths and motivations of the world.
"Because we need this war to be worth something," Armin answered. "We've all lost people. Your mother, my grandfather. Marco, Thomas, Mina, Nac, Mylius. Mikasa." Armin looked up at the towering wall which isolated the city from the outside world. "Those sacrifices can't be in vain. We'd rather die defending our friends and avenging their deaths than living comfortably in the Military Police, without a legacy of our own."
Eren gripped Armin's shoulder, folds of green cloth protruding through his fingers. "I'm glad you're here."
His childhood friend blinked. Tears crept down his motionless face.
"We'll preserve their legacy," Eren said. "What happened wasn't predictable, or fair. But we'll use the time and life they gave us. We'll be better. Together, in life and death, our united strength will propel us toward victory. No matter what it takes."
Armin nodded, his cheeks already drying as he raised his chin. "Together."
Eren watched the gate of the Karanese District open before him. Opening as Trost's gate never could, forever sealed by the boulder Eren had toiled under. And, for the first time, he saw the gate for what it really was. Not a fence, or a trap, or an encasement, but a border, a door designed to keep out Titans and allow humans to travel both ways. Forsaking evil and offering opportunity, granting humans the choice between safety and danger.
His hand retracted from Armin's shoulder and stroked Mikasa's scarf. He had washed the cloth, leaving a tattered but functional scarf. Incomplete, yet capable of warmth. Though the smell of death had vanished, crimson stains remained.
"Thank you," Eren said to Armin, to his friends, to the world. To the gate he passed under. To the sunlight and grass which greeted him, the outside world he and Armin had forever dreamed of. To the world behind, the walls and buildings and corpses which had built a future for him. To the scarf in his hands, permeated with the blood of the past. To Mikasa.