AN: This isn't exactly my first Hobbit story -( that's in the process of being edited/beta-ed etc) but it seems every time I write in new a fandom, I have a story in mind and before I'm ready to publish a comedy comes out. Looks like the Hobbit is no different.

I was being mean to Kili and well... I was joking with a friend about what sort of things Azog could do to him... this is what came up from that discussion.

Standard disclaimers apply - I own nothing here. The Hobbit and the characters belong to JRR Tolkien with movie rights to NewLine/WB etc.

Hope you enjoy it...

Azog vs. the FanGirls

Twelve dwarves paced the confines of their cell with the precision of a drill team, each one lost in their own thoughts. They continued to pace, each passing the other with practiced ease, never faltering, never stumbling. Never faltering that was until the anguished cries of the thirteenth member of their party echoed from what had to be the goblins' torture chamber.

The guards had dragged Kili from the cell what seemed like hours ago, but this was the first time his cries had reached their ears. The sound was so hopeless and full of despair that each of them stopped and stared fearfully in the direction of the sound.

Fili remained frozen place as the echo died down. He hung his head, knowing there was nothing he could do for his brother, not now, and if the Goblin King were to be believed, he would have his turn soon enough.

Hesitantly Thorin began pacing again and one by one the others followed suit. They had almost started to relax when another cry, even louder than the first filled the corridor outside their cell. They turned as one, and gasped as they saw two guards dragging Kili back towards the cell. As the guards drew closer, they could hear Kili's mewling sobs.

Before Fili could reach his brother, they grabbed him. He had only enough time to register the shocked look of abject horror in his brother's face before they dragged him away.

He tried to steel himself, but if they could destroy his brother so utterly, what chance did he stand?

Fili struggled, but there were simply too many of them.

With practiced efficiency the guards strapped him into a chair then bowed as their master stepped forward.

Looking up, Fili began to struggle in earnest. There was no way he could mistake his captor- he had heard too many stories about Azog the Defiler growing up.

"Ah, good," the Orc said, pausing long enough to make sure the subtitles were in order. "You can read this can't you?"

Fili frowned then nodded slowly, trying to control his own breathing.

Azog gave a curt nod then turned. "In front of you is a collection of what is called 'FanFiction' I'm afraid your brother is featured more prevalently than you are… but well… I want you to read the stories I've favorited."

Fili paused and gave Azog a worried look.

"It's okay," the subtitles read as the orc grunted at him. "The device is gesture controlled …"

Fili's eyes began to tear over as he read what had been placed before him. He could feel his heart drop at the tortures and evils Azog had perpetrated on his brother. Rage filled him as he forced his eyes away from the screen and glared at Azog.

Hatred filled his voice as he growled at the white orc. "You… you did… this to him?"

"Me? No. That's the Fangirls. Scary lot if you ask me."

"Then… then why are you showing this to me… why did you show it to him?"

Azog sighed. "He had to be warned, and there was no easy way to do it… and I figured… you're his big brother—you should know what you have to protect him against."

Fili let out a trembling sigh. This hadn't happened to his brother—not yet at any rate.

"Now what?"

"Well… now I have to explain 'slash' to your uncle… and figure out how he's going to take 'Thorin/me."

Fili let out a blood curdling cry somewhere between agony and laughter.

"That was pretty much your brother's reaction," the subtitles read as Azog sighed before giving up. It was hard being evil when the fans were so much worse.

"Maybe I can open a taco stand somewhere."