Disclaimer: I do not own Vindictus or any of the characters or places.
Warning: This contains male pairings, if this offends you please do not read.
This is not right. He has already tried that line of reasoning and it has failed him. No, there is nothing right about this. This is about want and need and fear, and all the things Lann tells himself has hasn't felt since he joined the Blades. He feels them anyway though, they crawl 'underneath his skin and invade his mind while he sleeps. He tells himself if only he trains harder, stricter with his thoughts, they would go away. That's a lie though. He looks into similar eyes, they have the pain and weary-ness he knows is reflected in his. He knows it's a lie. There is no escape from this, just like there's no escape from the grief that threatens to overtake him every time he stops and let's himself think.
So he doesn't. He went about his duties, not bothering Fiona or Evie about the things that crawl within him. They didn't deserve that. And that only left him with one choice.
He should not have come here, Lann thinks; he should not have asked this, he had no right. The man above him bends over him then, as if sensing he isn't paying attention, and licks along his ear, down Lann's throat; he bites at the fragile skin where throat meets shoulder and Lann shudders. This mans body is older, still long and strong from surviving in these dungeons, but has dark hair across his chest, and his belly is getting soft. Lann finds he doesn't care as his shoulders and chest are still muscular. Lann traces his hands along these lines, lets his hands slide down his arms and kisses him, needy and wet without practice. He has nothing to hide here, this man is himself, he can not hide here.
Their tunics have long since been taken off, and as his older self goes for the pants Lann chokes, thoughts and emotions and this /wrongness/ becoming too much and the tears flow down his cheeks. "Lann", his older self says very gently, and Lann sobs, clutches at his older self and clenches his eyes shut. "Lann," his older self says again, and clasps his calloused hand behind the younger's neck to bring ducked face up.
Lann opens his eyes, wet with more tears he knows he should be shameful of but isn't. "Please, just let me forget for a night."
Lann only gives him a long, hard look and then he's moving, mouth mapping across his stomach and hands undoing his pants. And Lann stops thinking entirely of everything.
Later, as they roll off each other and lay side by side, Lann glances where his older self was gazing at the dirty web covered ceiling, and as if sensing him, he turns to look at the younger. Lann pauses, then hesitantly starts. "Will it..." he loses his nerve and averts his eyes.
"It will get better." The older Lann's voice is dark and soft. "The goddess hasn't forgotten you humans.", and Lann turns to look at him for a long moment. He crawls across the small space that separates them and presses his body against his older self's side, places his head on the mans chest.
"Can I stay?" he says softly, and the older Lann's lips twitch in what he recognizes is a version of his own smile.
"Of course," he says softly and kisses the top of Lann's head, and Lann closes his eyes and feels safe. It's not right, and it doesn't have to be. Because tomorrow he will start the treacherous journey back to the entrance of Resenlian's Labyrinth, and the doppelganger will forgot what happened tonight. He silently thanks the goddess of granting him this one night of each month to let him forget, and give him the strength to remain a believer.