A/N: Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Its still September Eleventh over here so...yeah. Kinda depressed at the time of writing this. I almost didn't accept this request, but here it is. I believe it was from a miss Shirosaki or somesuch. I don't rightly remember her author name, but
And none of that angsty bullshit! He's tossing it right out the window!
Oh, and a bit of verbatim from Hellsing and TFS here...
And you can expect an update for I Hate Portals and my Bioshock fic, soon. As in sometime in the next few days! =D
By the way, MANY of you wanted to know if Naruto, deity that he is, ever started a family. As in, did he have kids?
...THIS Story OUGHT TO ANSWER THAT.
Guess who the mothers are...
...I DARE YE.
"ALL YOUR BASE BELONG TO US."
...what does that even mean?"
~?
Big Fucking Robots
Evangelion.
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
Do I really need to say anything more than that?
What, I do?
Fine!
Sooo, at first glance it looks like your typical giant robot fighting monsters genre but ohhhhhh boy! I may be a fuck-mothering god-and I've killed a lot of people to be called such!-but the sheer emotional trauma of this series made me avoid it like the plague for the longest time! I wouldn't even touch it with a hundred foot pole! Seriously! What kind of...why would you even THINK of doing half the shit they did! And don't even get me started about all that bogus crap on making every living thing "one" and all that crap. It sounds too much like the damn Moon's Eye Plan!
Human Instrumentality?
Bullshit!
So, no, I really wasn't going to bother trolling Evangelion. Let them fix their own mess, ya know?
Then Esdeath and the gang forced me to sit down and made me watch it. And by "sit down" I mean all manner of chains, ropes, seals, ICE, and other entrapment devices were used to hold me in place. SO against my better judgement, I watched the series.
Followed by all the movies.
And reading some stuff.
Then I got an IDEA.
I've been looking for a world to wage war on for awhile now, but I always felt guilty ya know? I didn't want to a raze any one planet to the ground just for one bad guy, ya know? But this one? IT IS GARBAGE. It needs a bloody reset at the very least, a full out purge at the most. So, nah. Not much guilt in regards to the hell I'm about to unleash.
I'd say most of it deserves a good curb-stomping.
The kids seemed like they were all for it.
And I maaaaay have kidnapped one of the Avengers for this little road trip. What?! Don't give me that look! Tony's not marrying Pepper for another month! Its not like he's DOING anything after the crap with Civil War and all. And the whole Infinity Crisis isn't going to be for awhile. Of course, I could always jumpstart that, but that's too much work. Last time I tried something of that magnitude, I had to deal with two godlike entities at once, not to mention Galactus. So in lieu of losing my head, I think I'll stick to what I know.
Besides, these idiots want to play GOD.
That's worse than being Madara.
I don't take kindly to that.
Do I need another reason?
Well, I suppose it would be...
...BIG FUCKING ROBOTS.
(...NERV Headquarters...)
Gendo Ikari was not a man who startled easily.
It wasn't that he lacked the capacity for it mind you; as Commander of NERV, he'd simply seen and done too much to be surprised these days. His entire life was built on it. Some might call him apathetic. Nothing could be further from the truth. Gendo was a very passionate man, quite driven in fact, if insane. He simply chose not to show it to the outside world. But if there was one thing he cared for in this rotted husk of a world it was his wife, Yui, that sole unmitigated desire to be reunited with her. To that end he'd cast all else aside-everything, in pursuit of that goal. If it did not have a use then it would be discarded like all the rest. So had he done with his son, his family, all else that held meaning in life.
Shinji meant nothing to him without Yui.
His failure of a son only served as a constant reminder of his own inadequacy and what he'd lost. On some level of course Gendo was terrified of being a parent, but beyond that he found it incredibly difficult to even see the boy as his spawn. That... His beloved precious Yui, taken from him by that horrid Eva Unit 01, and then that thing that was made when he tried to retrieve her. He refused to acknowledge Rei as anything more than a placeholder, a broken doll to be used and discarded. None of it made any sense and it hurt even now.
Life was empty without Yui here.
Food possessed no taste.
Sleep escaped him.
So he'd resolved to be united with her, no matter the costs. If it meant uniting humanity as one, then so be it. If someone would not aid him in this noble-to him-quest, if they became an obstacle, if they could not otherwise be used or manipulated by means fair or foul to this goal, then they would be eliminated. Such was their lot in life. Indeed, he prided himself on always being in control, always knowing what his enemies would do next. He knew, for instance, that no one would dare to strike at him in his home. Why, you'd have to be mad to do such a thing!
Mad indeed.
Thus, it came as quite the surprise when someone yanked him out of bed in the middle of the night and hurled him to the floor like a recalcitrant child.
'What?!'
Strong fingers closed around his hair and pulled; jarring the supreme commander of NERV from his dreams and back to wakefulness with a painful jolt. The sheer force behind the attack ripped a portion of his hair clean off from his head, scalping him. Gendo barely had time to comprehend that before his attacker tossed him to the carpeted floor. Someone planted a boot on his chest when he struggled to rise, forcing him onto his back with a startled wheeze of breath. Then came the voices, swarming in the dark. They slammed into him all at once, a susurrus of unintelligible whispers writhing in his ear.
Oddly enough, it doesn't unnerve him.
The eyes do.
Five pairs of eerie, mismatching orbs peer down at him; one blue as an icy sky, another the color of fresh blood. He sees the third and something in him quails as he peers into those golden orbs. The fourth and fifth are perhaps the eeriest of all in that they're completely unlike the others. One gazes down at him with circle of the purest silver, another a strange slitted, golden orange. Unlike their companions, they are smiling. The smile of a predator about to maul its prey. Then the chatter in his ears becomes sensible.
Gendo soon found himself wishing it hadn't.
"Heeeee~eeeeey."
"So this is the guy, daddy?"
"Ooooh! Can we kill him?"
"W-We SHOULD kill him."
"Blood for the blood god?"
"Girls!" A deeper tone resounded, cutting into the sea of voices with a short laugh. "That's enough. Let the poor man breathe. And no killing him until I say so! Go bring me Shinji-kun, will you? Oh, and Kei! No mauling! The boy's fucked up enough without you screwing with his head.
At this darkness receded with a collective "Aw" and mercifully, the lights chose that moment to flicker on. Even then Gendo didn't move. He dare not for fear of attracting those...things again. It didn't even occur to him that he ought to be worried for his son. And why should he be? Every instinct he possessed was currently shrieking at him to roll over, play dead and hope to sweet baby Jesus above that everything would just go away. Sense rioted in his head, a mad dog scrambling for its bearings. It didn't help that the boot-was it a boot?-was still firmly planted on his chest, preventing him from rising.
This-none of it!-didn't make any sense!
Not a lick of it!
"Sorry about that," The dry chuckle answered. "Girls will be girls, you know? They take after their mothers. Tony, let him up."
Pressure abated itself from his chest a moment later and wheezing, Gendo Ikari, battered and thoroughly shaken, struggled to rise. He didn't get very far. The harsh whine of a repulsor grated against his ears when he propped himself up on his elbows, a faint blue radiance falling across his bruised visage a heartbeat later.
"Go ahead." a cheery, if slightly muffled, voice hummed. "Give me a reason."
He found himself face to face with something out of a nightmare.
It wasn't just the man in the gunmetal red-and-yellow armor that terrified him, it was the towering figure standing behind him. Blue eyes framed by pale blond hair and whiskered cheeks stared back at him, twin horns jutting out of his head. All told, his appearance seemed something fresh out of a fever dream from his Dungeons and Dragons days, a menacing fusion of black, scarlet armor that seemed to blur whenver Gendo looked directly at it. It might have something to do with staring at an aspect of divinity. Well. He didn't know where that thought had come from, but it
"So. Gendo Ikari." the blond began flatly, folding tattooed arms before his chest, "Let's talk."
...what?"
"Just go with it." the armored man sighed, palming his golden visage. "There's no stopping him when he gets like this."
"So nice of you to remember, Stark." White teeth flashed out at him in a wide grin. "Right?"
It was not a pleasant smile, Gendo thought.
"This is me putting you on notice." the horned deity informed him primly, thrusting a finger into his face. "You've fucked up. This whole WORLD has fucked up. I'm giving you one week-that's seven days for the record in case you've forgotten-to get your shit in order. Then I'm coming for you and your precious little organization-then, everything you hold dear. Also. I'm taking your boy. You obviously don't care about him and somebody needs to teach that wet noodle how to be a man."
Gendo Ikari blinked.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
"You can't just-
"Can, will, am." An armored pauldron rose, silencing him. "Here's the deal. I don't like you. I mean, really. I could write an entire BOOK on just how screwed up this place is. And that's without the angels! Who should be attacking again any day now, by the way."
Brown eyes widened.
"How do you know that?"
Blue eyes narrowed coldly.
"I am a fuck-mothering god. I've killed a lot of people to get this title and I deserve to be called such. But hey," broad shoulders rolled in an easy shrug, "Let's not get off on the wrong foot here before we start our little game. Tell you what. You win, I'll give you your wife back. No strings attached.
Hope dared burn in Ikari's chest.
"You're lying.
"Am I?"
"..."
"Don't worry, I'm going to pay a visit to those fifteen old fuckers after you." Naruto replied, flicking a finger dismissively. "SEELE, isn't it? Its high time someone replaced them, don'tcha think? Oh, wait, that's right. You don't. All you care about is being united with your beloved wife, to the point where you're willing to traumatize your own son, and render everyone else an emotional eunuch. Did I miss anything?"
"The Human Instrumentality Project-
-is bullshit." the blond finished flatly, striking him across the face, sending the director sprawling to the floor. "Believe me on this, I've lived through a plan like that and yours is worse. All of mankind becoming one? No thoughts, no flaws, just...existence? Fuck that. Right in the down under. I'm a fuck-mothering deity and trust me, immortality ain't all its cracked up to be. You need other gods, or GODDESSES in my case, just to keep you sane. Not to mention all that power in the hands of one being. Bad idea? Yes. Much.
"It is necessary for the sake of order-
"Chaos." came the reply, cutting him off. "What does it stand for?"
"Complete disorder and-
"WRONG!"
Four fingers thrust themselves into his face.
Crazy.
Homicidal.
Anarchistic.
Sycophants.
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Ah, but it does!" his tormentor disagreed! "It describes this world perfectly! Its why I'm here! I've been needing-wanting, really-a base of operations that doesn't involve hoping from one universe to the next. So I saw this and thought to myself, hey! Big Fucking Robots! You can't go wrong with that! But then YOU!" a clawed finger stabbed into forehead, drawing blood, "You and those bloody bastards had to go and ruin it! You took a good, solid system and you broke it! Ruined it! So, I don't feel any regret for what I'm about to do here. Not a bit."
"What do you want?"
Naruto grinned.
"War."
"You like war?"
The deity shook his head.
"No, I love war!"
Dancing away from him, he spread his arms wide, a merry benediction to the skies.
"I love Civil Wars." he declared proudly, spinning back to him, fists clenched. "I love Universal Wars. Hell, I even love Storage Wars. I love sieges with magic and robots, I love mop-up operations as I grapple with gods, and I love wiping out asinine idiots like yourself. Do you know what I love most of all?"
Gendo flinched, expecting an attack, but none came.
Tony groaned.
"And here we go...
Laughing, Naruto brought his arms together, causing the earth to quake.
"Wars across prairies," he cried out, clapping his hands! "In streets and mountains, in trenches, in grasslands, in frozen tundras, through deserts, on the sea, in the air, in the very stars themselves! I love every act of war that can occur upon this earth and beyond. I love calling down the wrath of a fuck-mothering god and watching my allies rend my enemies to smithereens with attacks that thunder across the lines of battle. I love wars of change, wars of destruction, wars of creation!
Cackling he obliterated the roof with a snap of his fingers, laughing as debris rained down upon them.
My heart leaps with joy whenever a hapless soldier is tossed high into the air by an enemy mech and cut to pieces by anti-personnel rounds. And there is nothing like smashing two planets together with the force of my own arms. That pure, raw feeling that comes when an enemy runs screaming into battle in a berserk rage, its such an exquisite feeling. Like when ranks of infantry charge headlong against superior numbers, only to be ripped apart by big freaking guns! It moves me deep within my heart to watch a foreign battalion realize how monumentally fucked they are when I unleash the very legions of hell upon them!"
Chest heaving from exhiliration he paused, taking the dismayed commander in. Humming, he leaning forward.
"But do you know the manner of war I love the most, Ikari-san?
Gendo tried and failed to restrain a flinch.
"Troll Wars." He purred. "In my mind its the ultimate form of war, the perfect depiction of chaos. But to start my little war, I need you to do something for me. Just this once. And since you lack the emotional capacity to follow through, I'm going to break my golden rule just this once and make you do it."
"W-What...?"
Blue eyes burned gold.
"ASSUMING CONTROL."
A/N: Yep. I went there. Naruto'll be calling a lot of people out on their bullshit in this, and do NOT expect Shinji to be the little crybaby we all know and dislike. Consider this "Not Going Home" a war of mad proportions. With lots of insanity, hilarity and of course in the blond's own words, BIG FUCKING ROBOTS. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I do writing it, while I pick apart the madness of Evangelion and stitch it back together in absolute chaos.
So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review...
...Would You Kindly? And of course, enjoy the preview! Hope it make you grin! Anyone know where Liberty Prime is? You get a request if you do~!
(Preview)
Mari Makinami Illustrious paled, eyeing the syringe with trepidation.
"This is going to hurt, isn't it."
"Immensely."
"But I still get to break shit?"
Naruto grinned.
"All the shit you like."
...then what the fuck are we waiting for?!"
Tony groaned.
"Can I just point out that this is a bad idea?" Tony muttered, palming his face. "She's nuts." A finger twirled around his helmet for emphasis. "Crazy. Bonkers. Completely off her rocker. And you want to help her? I don't think that's a good idea, but then again you're never big on good ideas so-
CLUNK.
Mari started as Naruto calmly reached across the room and levered Iron Man into the floor.
"Objection noted." he smiled. "And DENIED."
"Oi, Angel-kun! Say hello to Liberty Prime! WITH UPGRADES!"
As if spurred on by that very thought, a towering shadow fell over the the Angel.
If Sachiel had possessed eyelids, it would have blinked.
As it were, the Angel came to a singular conclusion.
...I have blundered, haven't I?'
Naruto grinned.
T'was all teeth.
"Yup."
"BOOM FOR THE BOOM GOD!"
R&R~!