trigger
there's a hole in his heart, a pistol to his head. and there's no trigger for him to pull. cloud centric
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Cloud sees twenty-six birthday candles in front of his face on top of an enormous chocolate cake - his favorite color, watches the flames dance before his eyes, and begins to realize that the dimness of his vision can then be attributed to the tear at the corner of his eyes.
...At twenty three, Cloud's a hero.
At twenty-six, Cloud's lost everything that's made him so far.
Now, as he blows the candles one by one (it takes about three minutes, but then the friends that surround him tells him they don't mind the time taken at all), Cloud's heart is heavy, and his shoulders weigh a tonne as he leans forward to do so.
And he's scared.
Scared like hell.
Because when he looks up again, lifts his Mako-colored eyes to survey the scene around him, he sees the companions who've been there with him since forever. There's Barret, with Marlene on his shoulder. Red XIII, with Cait Sith on his back. Then there's Yuffie, who's still arguing with Cid on the issue of feminism. Vincent, who always looks perpetually asleep with his closed eyes. And lastly, there's Tifa, who's always eyeing him out of the corner of his eyes like she's waiting, and still waiting for something.
Cloud notices they're all wearing red ribbons on their forearms.
So is he.
And Cloud's scared, because there's this funny feeling in his heart - something he hasn't felt for years. It's associated to something akin to...warmth, especially when each one of them goes up to him and gives their share of birthday presents. Cid and Barret each pats (smacks) him in the back. Yuffie hands him some of her precious materias (including her favorite Meteor). Vincent says 'hn' and opens his eyes - an improvement from anything else honestly. Cait Sith foretells Cloud's fortune will be a good one. (Cloud thinks he's lying.) Red XIII pushes Marlene to his side, who touches the edge of Cloud's sword and smiles up to him.
Tifa lifts a hand to touch his face.
Cloud flinches, and moves a step back.
And realizes it's no longer just a trend. It's become a habit.
Because each time they take a step forth and grant him the happiness he seeks, offers to mend the hole in his heart that's been there since he's lost her, Cloud moves a step back. Each time they cheer him on, make him remember what warmth feels like, persist in telling jokes and collaborating until he finally breaks into a smile, well, Cloud shuts his eyes and tells them to "leave me alone."
Because there's a hole in his heart, a pistol to his head. And they've been there ever since he's lost her because of his stupid, utter foolish mistake. And there's no place to go home to, and he's been lost, lost forever. Each time they offer to fill up the gaps in his heart again, Cloud finds it harder and harder to resist making use of the warmth they offer to erode the emptiness in his heart (so lonely), but in the end, at the end of the day, Cloud ends up crying in bed, because...
...because he's getting more afraid of them filling up the hole in his heart in replacement of her warmth, that in so doing, his heart will eventually be whole again as it once was - in one perfect piece. Unbroken, warmed, happy, beating, alive. And he'll be finally, at long last, be breathing.
It scares the hell out of him.
Because when they look at him with hopeful eyes and expectant smiles, Cloud wishes to tell them they're only leading him to his self-destruction...
...because this hole in his heart, however it hurts like hell, is the only bittersweet reminder of her presence by his side left behind.
And if this hole is displaced by their kindness, their compassion, their love for their leader (ex), there's nothing left to remember her by anymore.
However tragically painful it is, however much it causes him more and more difficulty to breathe each day (sometimes he thinks he isn't alive anymore, because they say, just because you're breathing doesn't mean you're alive), it's much better than forgetting his most important memory, feeling, person.
In the end, this hole in his heart hurts, and completes him.
owari