Episode ?: Wagers and Banthas and Racing, Oh My!
[TR is sitting at the Tatooine base.]
TR: Stupid rest of the team… just because I blew up one lousy planet from the gunner seat they wouldn't let me come on this mission…
[Looks out window at landscape. Bird smacks into window.]
TR: [Sigh.] This is soooooooooo boring!
[Giant flaming rocket fuselage crashes into desert.]
TR: Nothing interesting even happens around here!
[A hoard of flaming refugee orphans come out of the rocket.]
TR: This is it… my life force is draining from boredom… Need to resort to my last resort!
[Gets on ship and flies to place called My Last Resort Resort.]
[10 minutes later.]
TR: AWWW MAN! Overbooked? Oh well, this place sucks anyway.
[Goes to leave.]
Salesman: 'Scuse me, sir. May I interest you in some genuine entertainment?
TR: No, sorry, I'm too busy being bored.
Salesman: It involves Banthas.
TR: What is it and where do I sign up?
Salesman: The 2 phrases every member of the salesmanus promoterius species loves to hear.
TR: You classify yourself as an animal?
Salesman: Fungus. Now, follow me…
[Later…]
[TR is at a betting office near a Bantha stable.]
TR: So, how do I bet on these things?
Salesman: Pick the one you think will win, then put as much money as you'd like doubled if the one you chose wins on the line.
TR: Ok.
[TR puts all of his college money into the wager booth. Then he drops in a peanut. Then Bart's stuffed bunny, Mr. Snugglebuns. The race starts.]
TR: GOOOOOO, BANTHA!
Salesman: TR, you're rooting for a cardboard cutout. The track is this way.
TR: Oh.
[They get there right when the Bantha TR bet on collapses while everyone's finished. Then it blows up.]
TR: Oh, well. Better luck next time. I'll be taking my money and friend's possessions back and being on my way now.
[Starts to walk off. Salesman puts his hand on his shoulder hard.]
Salesman: Whoa there, cowboy! If you don't win, you don't get them back!
TR: You mean you're playing for "KEEPSIES"? Why didn't you tell me!
Salesman: There's a huge sign right there!
TR: But what if I was illiterate?
Salesman: I told you out loud! Several times!
TR: What if I was deaf?
Salesman: I ran your hand over a Braille thingie of a contract and had you sign it!
TR: What if I'm just plain STUPID?
Salesman: [Sigh.] Look, I can make you a deal: If you can help me "fix" some of these races, I'll give you back your stuff.
TR: Hmmm… sweeten that deal!
Salesman: You also get this "Race Fixer of the Month" keychain.
TR: A keychain? I'M IN!
Salesman: Good. Let me show you how it's done.
[Later, at the stables.]
Salesman: OK, here's a pager. I'll page you the name of the Bantha with the least bets on it. Give that one these steroids.
[Gives him a syringe. TR backs off.]
TR: But I was told never to do drugs!
Salesman: Don't worry, it's just steroids.
TR: Ooooh, then that's fine!
Salesman: You'll also get the name of the Bantha who everyone's betting on. [Pulls out knife.] Cut off its leg.
[Leaves.]
TR: Cut off a Bantha leg? I COULD NEVER DO THAT! What should I do?
[30 seconds later, Banthas are seen running at top speed away from the stables.]
TR: GO FREEEEEE, LITTLE BANTHAS! USE THOSE STERIODS TO ESCAPE TO THE WILDERNESS AND GORE OVEREAGER TOURISTS!
[That evening.]
TR: How did I do, boss?
Salesman: You sucked! I could legally strangle you, but I'll say this once: I WANT YOU GONE! LEAVE MY OFFICE AND NEVER EVER EVER COME BACK EVER AGAIN! EVER!
TR: Do I at least get the keychain?
Salesman: You know what? YEAH! I GOT YOUR !#$ KEYCHAIN RIGHT HERE!
[The Salesman gets a cinderblock and throws it at him.]
TR: Oof! That is one heavy key chain.
Salesman: NOW GET OUTTA HERE!
TR: Over there?
Salesman: NO, OVER THERE!
[Here, there, everywhere,
With a heart filled with despair,
TR left the Bantha stables
Salesman had turned the tables
Lost his money, Bart's bunny too
No wonder he is feeling blue
Will the rest of the BHF5 diss?
You'll find out right after this:]
[Commercial]
[A building is shown.]
Narrator: Are you hungry as a Bantha? Come on down to the Tusken eat-till-you-explode buffet! [Logo blows up onscreen. Camera pans inside restaurant.] You, good sirs! [Arm points from behind camera.] What did you get?
Tusken Raider #1: [Holding up plate.] I got sweet and sour placenta burgers and Mexi-Thai fusion tostada-peanut satay soup!
Tusken Raider #2: I got borsht and hot dog chop suey with goat cheese and extra horse-pineapple dippin' sauce!
Narrator: Yes, here at the Tusken eat-till-you-explode, enjoy over 30 culinary disasters, and wash em' down with our fabulous drink bar! We have all kinds of food for the whole family! And for those sweet finishes, try one of our fattening deserts, like the new tofu-fudge hot ice-cream sundae cocoa!
[View of bathroom door.]
Tusken Raider #3: [From inside.] For your convenience, it's specially formulated so it leaves before you do!
Narrator: Yes, what fun! So come on down to the Tusken eat-till-you-explode! Located next to that big sand dune… you know the one… the one you can see from that cave… you know! Come on down!
[We now return to our regularly scheduled program. TR is in the BHF5 base.]
TR: I can't believe that crummy slick salesman took my college savings! I was gonna blow it on booze!
[The rest of the BHF5 come in.]
Jango Fett: Guys, did you see the look on that bird's face?
Z-Man: I know! Totally worth cleaning the windshield afterwards for!
TR: Oh, heya, guys!
Bart: Shut up, I need to get to Mr. Snugglebuns. Talk after bunny.
TR: Bart, umm… aren't you a little too old for stuffed animals?
Dengar: Dude, I'm like 30 and I still have a stuffed blue bunny I shoplifted from Fortune City 10 years ago. MAN, those bloodstains were hard to get out!...
Z-Man: Speaking of bloodstains, remember that bird?
Dengar: Heh heh, yeah, that was awesome.
Bart: TR, get out of my way. Let me get to my room.
TR: [Who is blocking the doorway in a really convoluted way.] Dude, I'm just chilling. Stop being so suspicious.
Bart: TR, LET ME IN!
Jango Fett: TR, let the kid into his room or I'll tell Terk where you live!
TR: Do YOU know where HE lives?
Jango Fett: Where he LIVES? Dude, we go out for beers every Wednesday!
TR: You're sleeping with the enemy!
Dengar: TR, let him the **** in!
TR: Fine, fine. [Moves. Starts running.] If anyone needs me, I'll be in the garaaaaaaaaage!
[Goes in. There are some sounds and a ship breaks through the garage door and flies out.]
Jango Fett: What's with him?
Bart: [From in room.] AAGGGHHHH! MR. SNUGGLEBUNS IS GONE!
Dengar: I'm picking up a transmission from TR!
TR: Hi, guys! I've decided to take a short 80-year break! So, yeah! I'll be back in 80 years! And maybe if I find a bunny that is exactly like but not necessarily Mr. Snugglebuns that I may or may not have gambled away, I'll come back sooner! Bye now!
Z-Man: I think that means he's responsible for Mr. Snugglebuns.
Bart: I'M GOING TO KILL THAT GUY!
Dengar: Should we go after him?
Jango Fett: Definitely. Not only does he need to tell us where he bet it away, but that idiot never even knew how to ride a bike! He's going to crash any second now!
[Meanwhile.]
TR: OK, so I probably shouldn't have smashed that big flashing red lamp that said "Total Engine Failure". Hmmm… hey, dashboard, quit making smoke! I'm trying to think here!
[Another ships pulls up next to him.]
Jango Fett: TR! Get in! You're going to crash!
TR: But you're going to kill me!
Dengar: Well, we can at least make it painless! Get in!
[TR leaps to the other ship and they fly away. TR's ship flies into a conveniently placed explosives factory.]
Z-Man: Now, you are going to tell us exactly where you gave away the bunny.
TR: Dudes, why are you all making such a big deal out of this? It's just a bunny…
Bart: [Punches fist with brass knuckles. Z-Man and Dengar grab TR.] TELL ME RIGHT NOW, YOU STUPID TOILET PAPER MAN!
TR: Fine! It was at the Bantha racetracks!
Jango Fett: Oh, convenient, we've been circling over it for the last 10 minutes.
TR: But how did you even-?
Dengar: Go get it back!
[Toss him out the ship. He lands headfirst in the sand.]
TR: Ow.
[Burglary kit drops on him.]
TR: Ok, so how do I do this…?
Random Passerby: Maybe you should try getting your head out of the sand first, buddy!
TR: DID I ASK YOU?
Random Passerby: Hey, it's your funeral.
TR: MY FUNERAL? WHERE? [Pops out.] Oooh, that was a figure of speech. Back to breaking in!
[Opens wall with blowtorch and sneaks in.]
TR: Shoot! I didn't pack any of that powder that reveals hidden laser beams! All I got is some pepper.
[Tries shaking it onto the beams to no effect.]
TR: Well, this sucks. I guess I should just… ah… AGGHH… AAAA-CHOOO!
[Spittle reveals laser tripwires.]
TR: Gross. Oh wait, that's good!
[Levitates out ceiling and lands on the other side of them.]
TR: Now, to take this bunny and-!
[Giant rocket launcher pops out of security camera and blares alarm.]
TR: Ah, shoot.
Salesman: So, I see you have tried to break in and retrieve what is rightfully yours!
TR: Yes I am! And you know what? I was stupid betting my best friend's most valuable possessions on something as silly as a Bantha! Yes, I said it, TR IS STUPID!
Salesman: [Clapping slowly.] Wow, great for you. Unfortunately, massive personal revelations are no excuse for breaking and entering. The cops are on the way.
TR: There are no space cops.
Space Core: Space? SPACE? SPAAAAACEEE!
Salesman: What was that?
TR: The sound of randomness.
Salesman: Anyway, I just called a bounty hunting crew. They're great for tracking down deadbeats.
TR: They wouldn't happen to be-?
[Slave I crashes through the ceiling.]
Jango Fett: Freeze, scumbag! Get in the ship!
TR: [Catches on.] Oooh, I see what you did there!
Jango Fett: Get on the ship!
[TR walks on. Door closes and Jango goes to the salesman.]
Jango Fett: Hey, man, thanks for teaching my buddy a lesson.
Salesman: No problem. Though you will have to pay for the roof you smashed.
Jango Fett: Uuh…
[Shoots out lights.]
Salesman: Hey! What the? This wasn't part of the deal!
[Ship flies off. The bunny is gone.]
TR: Thanks for saving my bacon back there, pal.
Jango Fett: No problem, but you're getting a "time-out" for the next month for all the crap you've caused us.
TR: [Sigh.] Oh well, at least Bart got his bunny back.
Bart: Actually, I realized it's kinda stupid that a full grown boy still has a stuffed animal. Goodbye, Mr. Snugglebuns!
[Tosses bunny out window into engine. Bunny is flambéed.]
TR: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF-!
[Pans out to ship heading into sunrise with TR screaming.]
[The end.]